Who Am I?

Dear Mama,

I miss you so, so much. You just have no idea what I’d give just to be able to talk to you one more time, spend one more day with you. I am so confused. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. Did you feel this way when you first went to live and work with humans? Or was it all different for you? Were your humans more formal with you at first, and did it take them time to care about you, or did they just jump in all the way and confuse the zlaan out of you too? These are just a few of the things I wish I could ask you. I just wish I could listen to you talk or sing or tell stories again. I wish you’d tell me about your humans, but I’d settle for anything.

So, who am I then? I’m not the Elli I was when you left us. Time and change have altered that Elli. I can hardly even find her when I look in the big mirror over the high, round sink in the bathroom where everything is too big for me. Mostly, though, I’m not her anymore because I stopped letting people just walk over me. The only ones whom I would have to allow to treat me like a servant are my humans, and they don’t seem to want to, but part of me doesn’t know what to do without that anymore. Oh, at first it was fun. It was like a big vacation or something, getting treated like a friend, cuddling up to watch movies and eat popcorn, laughing and chatting about nothing and everything, even singing together. I loved the camaraderie when I was right alongside Nicole, helping with the babies or with household chores, how we would race to see who could finish something first or sing silly songs for the babies, taking turns making up goofier and goofier verses until we were laughing too much and they would smile or giggle too, happy because we were.

But how long could that go on? Nicole isn’t laughing much anymore. She’s worried about things I just haven’t figured out yet and that she doesn’t want to talk about, and the babies know it and are fretful. I don’t dare to be silly or funny because I can see it’s not wanted. Oh, she’s not unkind to me, not at all. I’ve found myself staying close to her, always being there to ask if she needs something or wants anything. I don’t ever, ever want to get so caught up in my own worries that I neglect her or the babies. It’s getting to the point where she gets this concerned look on her face, though, and always either comes down to my level to hug me or picks me right up to hers. If she’s sitting down and doesn’t have one of the babies in her arms, she’ll call me over and ask if I’d like to come up instead at times, but I don’t dare just go over and try to cuddle up. I can’t tell when that kind of thing will be welcome and when it might not, because leps just don’t do that sort of thing. Oh, I know you did, Mama, and you had your reasons. I know humans have their reasons too, even if I don’t completely understand them. I’m sure something is really worrying Nicole right now, but the trouble is, I don’t know when a hug will help and when it will just make things worse because sometimes I can tell she doesn’t want to have anyone hanging on her. The other trouble is, I like the cuddles. Oh, there’s nothing weird about it. She cuddles me the same way she cuddles the babies, or even Delaney, the big fluffy black dog, whom I’m getting to like in spite of her size. She just likes cuddling people and animals. But I’m not supposed to like it. I used to feel guilty about that when I loved it when you wanted me to cuddle up to you, or when Aunt Nell wrapped me up in one of her amazing hugs. Now I really feel bad because this isn’t what’s supposed to happen, and I can’t help wanting it to anyway.

I’m not the detached, formal worker Shya-Roven tried to mold me into. I don’t know how to be that. I don’t know how not to feel or care. How can anybody take care of babies and not care? But what if I get in trouble for caring too much? I try to tell myself that’s stupid, but I can’t make myself believe it. What would happen then? Would I be given a new post with humans who aren’t as affectionate and caring, or would they just make me go back to the colony again, to become the Elli who takes care of the rest of the family all the time? Oh, I know the family would welcome me back into that role even though they’re all old enough to do it themselves now. They tried when I was home on leave. Did you know that, Mama? Did you see that? If not for Bert, I probably would have kept right on letting them, too, because I couldn’t shake the guilt of not doing it for seventeen years, even though all that time I was working my fingers to the bone in a different way. I still felt guilty because it wasn’t for them, even though maybe it can help them someday. I don’t know.

I feel so mixed up, and I don’t even know why I care about this. Who in the blue typhoon has time to even think about this stuff? It doesn’t matter anyway. All that matters is that I do my duty, whatever that happens to be at the time. I just wish I knew how to help better right now. I wish you could really read these and answer.

Love,
Elli