April 2012

April 1

Dear Journal. Here I am on board a ship, setting out for the Caribbean. I’ve told Brian and L to go to the low country, told the lep top brass where they can stuff their job and I am off to see the world!

April fool!

Ha! I bet I had you going for a minute there! I have done nothing of the kind! As if I ever would! Actually these couple of days have been relatively uneventful, but I will just catch you up quickly.

Yesterday morning I was up first, so was able to get into the kitchen and have breakfast ready before L could get in there and make a mess. Brian and L seem to be in the mood for music this weekend, so the speakers have been on for the past couple of days, playing all kinds of things. Human music is something I have only really come to know since I have been working for Brian and I have to say, I do like a lot of it. Very different to the songs we sing and the music we make at parties and on ceremonial occasions which mostly comes from the old country.

Anyway, there really was not much happening yesterday. Brian and L did not much of anything in the morning except click on computers and listen to music and I was allowed to sit on the sofa between them, pottering on Facebook. The troubles of yesterday are still rumbling on, but there is nothing new there.

In the afternoon, Brian and L went out without me, so I took the opportunity to give the place a good going over. Stars! I do not know what L pays the cleaner for, she hardly disturbs the dust, though, to be fair, I know she tries her best and she cannot see as well as we leps can.

When Brian and L came back, we just went on as before. I got to make dinner, as L’s back was hurting her and in the evening they had wine and watched films and I was allowed to stay. I found the films incomprehensible really, I learned human history at Shana-sherin, but we did not do one country in great detail, so my knowledge of the historical period and people the films dealt with was sketchy to say the least. I think I must have fallen asleep, because I awoke this morning in bed, still with my clothes on, all except my shoes! How. Embarrassing. Was that? I wonder who on earth carried me to bed like a sleeping baby?

Well, I had a shower and dressed, tidied up, packed my backpack and then went to get breakfast. Only they were already up and L was buzzing about in the kitchen, making toasted sandwiches, dropping crumbs as if she was charging tuppence a bag, like in Mary Poppins. That, dear journal, is just the thing calculated to get me in a happy mood for the day. Not!

Well I put my best face on it and L made me a sandwich too, so I could not really say much. It was rather a silent breakfast though. This has been such a pleasant time spent at the Lair and today we have to leave for Merseyside again. WE will not be there long, but I think we would both rather not have to go at all.

Once I had the dishes washed and the kitchen cleaned up, I went to my closet to have one last look on Facebook and mail check before I packed Nia Netbook away. I do wish I had not! There was an Email from Dad, one from Barty and one from Mella, suggesting, ordering me and pleading with me, in that order, to come home for this, this, this stupid, silly, awful naming ceremony! The worst thing is, Barty says if I do not come voluntarily he will write to Shana-sherin and ask them to order me to go for Mum’s sake! I do not think the brass would listen to Barty, he is not the family head after all, but he is head elect, so they might. I do not know what to do. Maybe I will have a talk to L about it, or Brian. Or both.

Well, we spent a peaceful morning, I hate to see how sad parting makes Brian and L. I kept out of the way when I needed to, but for the most part we were together on the sofa. L has packed up our food, it is a task she likes to do and I have not one grumble about it, no matter how much mess she makes. Brian is about to eat some dinner, then it is just a question of playing the waiting game till we have to head out for the boring boring train. As I am not expecting to do anything but travel for the rest of the day, I will call this an entry and write more tomorrow.

I got one wish, I wished I could take care of L for always and it sort of came true, so here is another. I so wish we could stay here at the lair for always, no more boring boring train on Sundays. If that could come really true I would be so happy and I would not be the only one! Sad face.

April 2

Good morning. I am tempted to ask what is good about it, you will see why in a little while. I am suffering from the Monday Morning blues with a vengeance, but before I fill you in on today so far, let us go back a bit.

We arrived here on Merseyside, I do not really think either of us think of it as home now anymore so I shall not call it such, at about a quarter past nine last night. The house felt so cold and empty. We were both so dispirited we hardly said a word to each other. Brian checked his mail while I made us a cup of tea and once we had things settled and the heating on, we just had an early night. It is funny, when I was in hospital I used to think so longingly of this room, my things, my bed, all the things that have been all I have known for nearly three years. How quickly they have come to seem almost hostile and alien to me now. I just want to be back at the Lair!

Well, I awoke at six this morning, went through my usual morning routine, showered, dressed, made the bed and tidied up in here. I made a note to give this whole place a good bottoming, it is not fit to be seen! I booted up Nia Netbook and started to check the mail and see what is going on with the family.

I again rather wish I had not done it. I had an Email from Gwenice, of all people! She said I was upsetting Mother and Father, she is the only one who calls them this and that as she was coming back from Norfolk and Leo and Lani from Ireland, why was I being so obstinate about coming home and did I not think I was being very selfish? She said if it was a question of work I could get the Shana-Sherin brass to write to my employer and request/order him to give me leave. That made me really wild! Brian would never keep me from taking leave if I asked him, she is completely missing the point. I do not want to take leave, I want to stay here!

I had an Email from Mella, catching me up with her news. She is feeling a little better these days and her five lings all seem to be doing well. Derry is working too hard, as usual, which worries her. Mella and I are as close as two people living so far away from each other can be, but there was something in this Email. Just something in her tone, she is not herself with me, sort of slightly reproachful. She keeps dropping hints.

I logged on to Facebook, browsed the feeds, nothing much new there, Mig was online, I had a quick chat to her, she is still firm about leaving for Scotland after the ceremony, but now there is trouble, because some of the older lings do not want to go and Ikey, the eldest boy, is adamant he will get a place and look after the ones who want to stay. He is just old enough and I think the council would allow it. Mig will have to think very carefully what she wants to do. Even she asked if I was sure I could not come home, they are all in it!

I went to get Brian’s breakfast ready when I heard him in the shower and I decided I really would have to talk to him about it. He has a very logical mind and he thinks things through.

So, when we were having our coffee, I told him the whole story. It took me a while, as he does not know as much about my family as L does. He listened quietly and then completely surprised me.

Bert, anyone else who has been away from their family as long as you have would jump at any excuse to see them. As you don’t, there is a reason. From what you’ve said and the way you’ve said it, I’d say the idea of going home scares you. Why is that, do you think?”

Well, I do not know what I was expecting, but it certainly was not that! I mean, of all the stupid, ridiculous things to say! I just got up from the table and collected the dishes and told him not to be so silly. Scared! I am not scared of my own family. I just do not want to go to some stupid naming ceremony when I have plenty of work to do here, it is completely pointless!

Brian did not say anymore, but he did that thing of squeezing my shoulder as he came past me again, I do not know what that is all about! I do not need his sympathy, nor his psychoanalysis either, I am perfectly all right and I am standing firm. I am not going near London, not now. Not ever.

Well, this will not get the house cleaned, I had better get on with some work. Brian better not say one word about the hoover, or I will give him a mouthful of L’s choicest swears! No, he will not hear me. I will just stick my tongue out at him. I will maybe write more later, if anything is happening. How I wish I was back sitting on L’s lap, with no one to plague me. I never want to hear the word ceremony again!

Scowls.

(Journal entry flagged as private)April 3.

Scared! Of course I’m scared! I’m zlanny terrified! But that’s something I don’t write in the bits I might show someone one day. Question is, do I tell Brian the truth? If I do they won’t make me go, but what if … no. no. I No.

April 5

Good morning, Dear Journal! Well, I have not felt like writing for a few days, I have been so out of sorts, but here we are back at the lair and I am better company. I also have some news to catch you up on and my dilemma has deepened and, oh well let us start at the beginning, shall we?

For the whole of Monday Brian was especially nice to me until I was so frustrated with him that I wanted to put his lights out. I have written here before: Brian and I like each other but when he is especially nice to me, it is because something I really do not like is in the offing.

On the Monday evening, he came into my room, sat on my bed and quietly told me that he was giving me leave from the 13th to the 20th of April. He said he could not tell me what to do with that leave, but that I would not be expected to work that week, either at Merseyside or at L’s. I can tell you, I was just totally flabbergasted! So, on Friday the 13th no less, I am going to be turfed out and I have to go somewhere for a week. I do not know where I will go, because I am not. Going to London. I. am. Not! I wonder if L knows about this. Yes, actually that is a point. She would not stand for me being turned out into the cold with nowhere to go, I might talk to her about this.

Well, on Tuesday, Lita came back from Ireland and she was in pieces and I do mean in pieces. It seems Danic has pollution sickness on his lungs, very advanced. Most leps, especially if we grow up in cities, grow immune to human pollution, we have to, or else we would all just die out. But some delicate ones do not and it attacks the lungs, producing symptoms rather like human asthma, only rather worse. If not caught early and treated, it can seriously damage lung tissue and kill.

Lita says the healers do not know yet if Danic will make it. They say he should have been sent earlier, which is what Lita has been saying, but they did not have the money to send him before. The healers told her she should have applied to her colony council, which is what we all told her, but she and Mart, especially Mart, were too proud to do that. She is devastated now, thinking they will maybe lose young Danic because of not acting soon enough. The healers are doing what they can and she will be allowed to go back in a month, unless she is needed sooner, which will mean bad news.

Just to make matters more complicated, she has another ling on the way, which has relieved Mum, it is more than time, but she is scared the new one will be delicate like Danic. I gather that Mart is not being much help to her in this crisis, he is the kind of person who does not deal with emotional situations well, he draws into himself and immerses himself in work, any kind of work he can, rather than face up to what is going on, so Lita has hardly seen him since she got back.

Brian was working away on Tuesday, so I spent a lot of the day on Skype with Lita, trying to comfort her and I hope I did some good, of course I cannot imagine how she is feeling, but just to have someone who will listen to her must have been some help. I have heard L when she helps people, I tried to remember how she is and be the same.

On Wednesday I got ready to leave for L’s. I had to meet Brian at Milton Keynes Station when he got there. I was all ready to go early, so I spent the rest of the time pottering about on Nia. Mig was on Facebook and oh stars! She told me that Tommo has been given a day’s leave to attend PattiAnne’s naming ceremony, so that all the family will be together. This has made my position even worse now. Every single member of the family, without exception, will now be at the ceremony, except for me, unless I give in and go home as everyone wants me to. The pressure on me has become intolerable now that they are even letting Tommo out of the lockholes for this horrible ceremony! I do not know what to do or which way to turn. I do not want to go. I cannot go, I just cannot. Stars on the water! Mig is in a terrible taking, she does not want to see Tommo and she is also worried someone will talk about her plans to leave and take the younger lings, about which he knows nothing. If Tommo finds out about that there is going to be the rumpus to end them all and the naming ceremony will be ruined! I wish it would be ruined. I wish it just was not happening at all!

Well, I finally got the call that Brian was at the station and that I could leave, so I locked up the Merseyside house and zapped to meet him. My word, he must have had a busy few days, because he looked tired and stressed out. We got on the boring boring train and travelled uneventfully to L’s, where she had supper waiting for us, a warm house, nice music, in fact, the lair was its usual lovely self.

This morning I was up at six, showered, dressed, made my bed and tidied the closet. I had a potter on Facebook and made sure to leave a post on Babsy’s wall, as it is her birthday today and the day when we will find out if she has been chosen for Shana-sherin or not. Poor girl, I do not envy her! I remember my thirteenth, the fact that I had been chosen was a complete surprise, I had hardly ever heard of Shana-sherin, just the rumour of it, but Babsy has known about it all her life and always wanted to go there, but wanting is not enough. I do not know her well, I only know what Nile has told me, but she is a hard worker and loves to study and knows a lot about the lep code and has read all the books she can get hold of. WE shall see. Of course, if she does not make Shana-Sherin, there are other things she can do with all that knowledge, she could be an advocate, a council member, a healer, even a watcher or a guard, if that is what she wants to do. Watchers, dear journal, are the nearest we have to the human police and guards are a step up from there, there are several kinds of guards, from quite peaceable ones, whose job is actually to guard the colony, to elite ones who are real soldiers and are crack fighters when they have to be.

Anyway, back to Babsy, I do hope she makes Shana-sherin, it would be great if she did. I wonder if she will write to me from there. If you go to Shana-sherin you do not leave, nor receive visitors, but you are allowed to write letters to two different people. One to your parents, obviously and one to someone else. The heads have to approve, but I think they would approve of me. Those were the rules when I was there, they may have changed now, of course, but I do not think Email, or any such thing would be allowed, it would be too distracting.

Well, I was about to go and see to breakfast, I had really been longer on the computer than I should have been, when I heard music. Bother! I thought. I shot out of my closet and yes, there was L, making a mess in my kitchen as usual! It was far too early for her to have been up, but apparently she was expecting a grocery delivery. Brian was still in bed and she was fussing like a Mother hen, taking his breakfast in to him. Sometimes I just do not understand people. If she had asked me to do it, I could have made whatever she wanted, taken it next door with no risk of spillage and no mess and made L breakfast while I was at it! But no, she just would have to do everything herself and poor old Bert had to clean up after her! Roar!

Well, once she had finished muddling about and I had things settled, the nice part of today started. I got some serious lap time and we played Ping Pong on L’s IPhone, she won, just peh! We had the door shut, so I could make all the noise I wanted, it was wicked.

Well, I hear Brian moving about now, so I have come back here to write this and give the turtle doves some space. I had a nice Email from young Babsy, she is having a nice birthday so far, but she is on pins, as you can imagine. I do hope green stars will appear for her before the day is over.

And that will do, I think, for the moment. I will let you know what happens, as soon as I know anything. In the meantime, things are ok here. I think I will take a quiet moment to talk to L about this whole ceremony thing. I know she will help me. See you later.

Smiles.

Facebook Post on the wall of Barbriella Nilena from Bertalius Alfardan.
Happy birthday, Babsy-boo. Here’s wishing you sun blossoms and moonflowers on your special day. OH, and green stars of course! Kisses.

Email.
From: barbriellanilena@lepnet.com
To: bert@bertsplace.co.uk
Subject: Thanks.

Dear Uncle Bert

Thanks for the post on me wall and the grains you’re too good to me. Course if it happens I won’t get to spend them but we’ll see. Stars I’m so nervous our Dad says not to think about it and go on as if it was just like any other day how silly is that I ask you. ZnaZna and ZanZan and loads of others are coming over for the tea wish you was coming too. I better go and help out I spose. If I does get chose I want you for a mentor.

Happy day.

Babsy.

April 7

Well, I really had meant to write more and then Thursday turned into a completely hectic day and Friday was impossibly busy, so here I am and it is Saturday!

The first and biggest piece of news is that Barbriella Nilena is now a student of Shana-sherin! Yes! Young Babsy made it and we are all as proud as can be, especially Nile and Netta, although they are naturally sad at the thought of not seeing their daughter for 17 years. She has chosen me as her second mentor and that has been approved, so I shall get to hear how she is doing. I wonder how much Shana-Sherin has changed since I was there?

Once we had heard the news from Nile, there was a huge family Skype conference, in fact we overloaded Skype a bit, we could hardly hear each other in the end, but everybody was so excited! Females are strange, you know! I have always thought so and now I am convinced of it! Here we were, all having this celebration because Babsy had been granted one of the highest honours an ordinary lep will ever get and Mum, Mig, Netta, oh and a whole lot more of them just would not stop crying! I wonder if Mum and Dad made this much fuss when I joined Shana-Sherin.

Anyway, what with looking after Brian and L and joining in with the family when I could, I could not get a minute to write for the rest of the day.

On Friday morning I woke up at my usual time, showered, dressed, made the bed and tidied my closet and then I thought I heard someone moving about in the den, so I peeped out to see who it was and it was L. Oh no, I thought, she will start making a mess in the kitchen, but she was not anywhere near there, she was sitting on the sofa, rocking herself to and fro. I crept out to see if she wanted anything and she did look odd, not like the usual L at all, so I asked her what was wrong. She pulled me on to her lap and told me she was a bag of nerves because of the new radio show starting today.

Will I ever understand women and L in particular? L has been working in radio for eighteen months, she has done any number of shows, she can do a two hour Bear’s Lair upside down, with her eyes shut and her hands tied behind her back and a mouthful of glass marbles! Of course, that is just my opinion! And yet here she was, shaking like a jelly, expecting everything to go wrong.

I tried to comfort her the best I could and I hope I helped a little. Pretty soon she led the conversation on to other subjects though and asked about the family. The house was very quiet, we were all alone, I thought there would not be a better opportunity and so I told her all about my naming ceremony dilemma. She did not say anything for a while, then, she put an arm around me and said:

“I can see why you’re so scared of going back. I would be. From all that you’ve told me you never really felt like you fitted in there and the longer you’ve stayed away, the more distant you’ve become from that world.”

I was just stunned, I really was. That word again. Scared! For a minute I wanted to jump off L’s lap and run away. L, Saying I was scared! But she held me fast and said:

“Bert, come on, be honest with yourself. Brian’s right. You talk to your family via the computer all the time. Everybody wants you to go home. You haven’t been back in almost twenty years when there was nothing to stop you. You’re digging in your heels so much about this ceremony, I’d say the idea scares you silly. Now try and think logically. If you don’t go there’s going to be a huge and needless family upset and from all I hear there’s enough drama going on without that.”

I sat and thought about that for a while and she was right. What with Mig going to Scotland and Ikey getting a place of his own and half Tommo’s lings staying in London and Mig having a bird about losing half her family and Lita and Mart at each other’s throats about Danic and the new ling on the way and Barty going ape about Andelaine’s wedding, yes, we have enough family drama. But when I thought of going back to that warehouse and lots of us crammed into Mum and Dad’s drafty house with no door and laurel pie and all sleeping in one room and washing at a water pump and that face and…

I buried my head in L’s shoulder. “I can’t.” was about all I could say. And I just. Cannot. All right, so they have a point. So I am scared, scared stiff, so I am a wimp, so shoot me! I am not. Going.

I am not writing about the next fifteen minutes after that, I am glad no one saw Bert the blubbering wimp except L. Pretty soon Brian got up and I made breakfast and we got on with the day.

There was a lot to do to get the Lair ready for L’s first show on the new station. By about one-thirty we were all set and L had gone back to rocking and jittering. At exactly two we went on air and at exactly four we came off air, after an excellent show. I even got to be on air for a while, L made me come over and introduce myself to the listeners, which was totally wicked! She says if I am good she will let me do a piece to mic every week. Wow! That will be wonderful. Of course, I will not be there to help next week, as I will be on leave worst luck! I wonder if I can talk Brian out of that, or maybe ask L to talk him out of it, I would so much rather stay here!

After the show I stayed in the den with Brian and L, snuggled up between them on the sofa. Brian bought us kebabs for dinner, well, L and I had kebabs, he had pizza. It was a brilliant evening. L and I played ping pong, I am getting addicted to that game! I Won! Just yay!

This morning I woke at my usual time and went through my usual morning routine. When I made the bed I found a scroll under my pillow. No such thing as Email for students or staff at Shana-Sherin, they do things in the way you’d expect leps to act. A little parchment scroll, tied with green ribbon, no less, left under the pillow. Do not ask me how it gets there, it is better not to know! Anyway, this one was from Madam Lynnara, head of all houses at Shana-Sherin. I should explain, we have ten houses at Shana-Sherin, it is a big place. Each house has a head, a tutor who looks after it, but above that is the head of all houses, a senior tutor who looks after the welfare of all the students. That is Madam Lynnara. She it is who has to approve a student’s mentors. She had to approve mine. I wonder if she remembers me!

Anyway, this scroll was from her, letting me know that Babsy had chosen me as one of her mentors and it gave me a start, not only because it was there, where no scroll ought to be, but because it used my full name, with the patronymic too, which I have not heard since I left there and if you think I am writing that down here, think again! I hate it! Giggling.

Well I put the scroll away safe and got on with things. I had a look at the mail, nothing much going on new. Tovey was online when I logged on to Facebook and we chatted about this and that. He loves to hear about my life and work here, but he says he would not change places with me! That is fair enough, I would not change places with him either! I would hate his job, he is a forager and very good at it, but I would hate going out in foraging parties, rain or shine, trying to find wild food for the colony, dodging cars and trying to keep out of sight. Just yuk! Sometimes a forager can get hurt, or even killed, so they earn good money and it is necessary work, but I would hate it! Some families do their own foraging, I know Dad used to do ours when we were little, because if you draw rations from the colony’s common store, everyone gets the same, however many there are in a family and believe me, you get slim pickings sometimes and with thirty to feed, it was better for Dad to zap out further to somewhere the others did not know about and forage for himself, risk or no.

Stars, I am digressing today! Anyway, once I had browsed the feeds, sent an Email to Mum, who is banging on about me coming home as usual and generally pottered about, it was time for breakfast. I got to make it today, hurray! Pancakes for L, bacon and sausage for Brian. I had pancakes too, just in case you are interested, giggling. Once I had everything cleared away, I came back here to give the turtle doves some space, they are working on some project today, I do not know what. And here I have been, writing this and now it is nearly lunch time! I shall have to go and get started, or L will start muddling around in the kitchen again and anyway I have gone on long enough! I do wish we did not have to go back on Wednesday, it is so so nice to be here. Maybe I will have another talk to Brian and L about canceling that zlendt leave. See you later.

Big smiles.

Jotter entry.
Undated.
Happy easter not! Not going not going not going cant can’t cant can’t! All right for L to say she doesn’t know shall I tell? If I tell theyd put a stop to it but its dangrous. Some things you can’t face. But what if shes right and nothing happens could be dead forall I know. Could get them all back. Mella. Mella. Do I dare?

April 11.

Dear Journal. Hi, remember me? Giggling here.

It seems to me that whenever I say “See you later.” I disappear for days at a time. Ah well, that is just my way. It is either deadly boring and quiet as a tomb on Merseyside, or it is good times at L’s lovely Lair and I am busy and happy and do not feel like sitting in the closet, tippy-tapping away on Nia Netbook. But I really must catch you up with the last few days, especially as I have quite a few pieces of news.

I do not think anything of note happened for the rest of Saturday, I think we all just pottered about in our usual happy way, to be honest I cannot remember that far back! I do remember Sunday morning though! I awoke at my usual time, but someone had been into my closet earlier, because my bed was covered in Easter eggs! There they all were, in a big pile at the bottom of my bed, so many beautiful, brightly-coloured boxes, I could hardly believe my eyes!

Before I tell you exactly what I had from who, I must explain that chocolate is rather a weakness of mine. I had never even tasted it until nearly three years ago. It is not unknown for foragers to pick up human food, if they can get anything fit to eat, they never ever go picking up rubbish, we are not vermin after all. But I had tasted human bread before and a few other things. I had even seen human sweets once, but anything like that was strictly kept for lings much younger than I. Anyway, when I did get to taste chocolate, it became my absolute downfall. I have to be very careful how much I have, because I cannot put on too much weight, or the risk of something going wrong when I zap dramatically increases.

I have to smile when I read about zapping, or whatever other name they give magically and instantly getting from one place to another, in books. They make it sound so funny. Ooh look my leg’s gone! Ok, wave your wand and it’s back on again! No harm done, try again, sonny! It doesn’t happen like that. A lep only gets ztrapped once. Assuming they survive it, which they usually don’t, they can never zap again.

Stars, I am digressing today! Back to my Easter eggs. I had a gorgeous one with chocolate bunnies in from Tealy, a big white chocolate buttons egg from Hinky, apparently he had sent Tealy the money to buy it for me. I was so touched! He says American chocolate isn’t a patch on ours and he thought I would prefer it that way. Then, from Brian I had a dark chocolate egg in a round box tied with ribbon, it came from a very posh website L likes, she buys all their chocolates from there. I took a peek into the box and it was a really thick chocolate egg, with lots of yummy chocolates inside. From L I had the same size box, this time with a milk chocolate egg inside, this one had truffles in it! But there was one more box and I could not work out what it could be, or who it could be from. It was an Easter egg box, or rather, a round hat box, like my other posh Easter eggs had come in, except if this was an Easter egg, it was humungus, the box was nearly as big as me! It was a lovely blue box, tied with gold ribbons and it just had a white card on it. It said “To Bert, from Brian and L”.

Well, of course, I had to see this gigantic Easter egg, so I undid the box, which was quite heavy and looked inside. When I lifted off the lid there was a lot of glossy tissue paper and underneath was … a backpack. A brand new one.

Well, you might be thinking! What a disappointment! Ah, but actually no, let me explain. My backpack had belonged originally to my Father, who had probably had it from his Father. It is made of some kind of khaki camouflage material. It is very strong and holds a lot and has seen me through twenty turbulent years, but oh goodness, if only you knew what I suffer, lugging it on and off trains! There I will be, in my trendiest trainers, my best jeans, my baby Gap windproof jacket, feeling really pleased with myself and am I carrying a nice, fashionable colourful backpack? No I am not, I am carrying a horrible great bulky olive khaki thing that looks like it is carrying coal, or a corpse!

Anyway, I grabbed this gorgeous new backpack, it is just everything I have ever dreamed of! There is loads of room for everything I need, it is in all my favourite colours and of course, comes from my favourite designer shop, which I will not mention again, as I am not getting commission! Giggling.

As I opened the backpack to explore it inside, I had more surprises. There were lots of compartments and little pockets and someone, probably L, had hidden things I like in some of them. Gummie bears, flakes, coconut ice, maltesers, jelly babies and more.

It was not till I got to the small front pocket that I saw the folded white piece of paper. I almost missed seeing it and as I unfolded it and began to read, my heart started doing back flips and I rather wished I had left it where it was. I have it right here and I will copy it down.

“Dear Bert,

“Happy Easter! Brian and I hope you like your Easter eggs and would like you to accept this present, to thank you for all the hard work you do for us. Brian told me how much you hate dragging your old backpack on and off the train, so I chose this one for you and I hope it will stand you in good stead on many journeys.

“Bert, Brian and I are both really hoping that the first journey you will take your new backpack on will be to London. We can’t force you to go and we wouldn’t dream of doing so, even if we could, but we think you should seriously consider it. After our talk on Friday morning I am beginning to see how hard this will be for you, but Bert, if you keep running away, you will be running all your life. Fears are much better faced. When you turn and look at them and face them down, they turn out not to be so bad after all.

“Your parents and family will be so happy to see you at PattiAnne’s ceremony. Brian and I will be happy, because we know you are safe and not wandering the countryside during your leave. It is only one week and then you can come back here and carry on with your life as though nothing had happened.

“I will not say anymore, I cannot make the decision for you, although I know it sounds as though I am trying. Smile. Just, please, try to get past the fear and think about it carefully.

“love,

“l.”

The first thing I did after reading this was to screw it into a ball and throw it across the room. The next was to run across the room, scrabble on the carpet, pick it up and smooth it out again! My one and only letter from L and I was treating it like that, I had crumpled it terribly, but it was still very readable. I read it again, several times. Then, I am ashamed to say, I burrowed down into my bed and just hid. I did some thinking too. But I mostly just hid.

While I was hiding, L came and knocked on the door and for the first time in my life I asked her to go away and leave me alone. I think she must have known something of what I was feeling, because L would normally have come in anyway and tried to make it better, but this time she did not argue. But when I opened the door later there was a little carton of orange juice and a covered plate of sandwiches on the floor near the door for me. That is so typical of L. There has to be some way of making it better. Talk to you, cuddle you or feed you! Smile.

Well, I finally got finished hiding and thinking and I got up, put away my Easter eggs and sweets, which I will have to ration very very carefully, in my wardrobe, made my bed and tidied the room. Then I opened the door, saw L’s little offering and brought it in and had some belated breakfast, it was about half past nine by this time. Then I showered and dressed. When I had done that, I booted up Nia and before my courage failed me, I Emailed Mum to let her know I would be at the naming ceremony. I copied Tuli in on it, so there is no going back now.

When that was done, I came out to tell Brian and L. They did not say much, no “About time!” or “I knew you would go in the end!” they were just quietly pleased about it, I know. I was in full on limpet mode for the rest of Sunday. Every time I thought of that warehouse my heart just turned to jelly and I had to grab L’s hand. To be honest I still do not know how I am going to do this. But do it I will, I have promised.
Late Sunday evening there was an unexpected bustle. I was not paying attention, but all of a sudden, Brian was on air, broadcasting! And before I knew it, he was saying on Twitter that his radio show would soon be back on air again, on the same station for which L is working. This is great news indeed! Now, I thought, as I went to bed, I will have something to look forward to when I get through this ceremony business!

On Monday I got up and went through my morning routine. When I made my bed, I found a little parchment scroll under my pillow. This one was tied with pink ribbon, denoting a girl student. It was sealed with the Shana-Sherin seal, the S surrounded by leaves. When I broke the seal and unrolled the scroll, the letter was quite brief. This is what it said.

“dear Uncle Bert,

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a fair report this week.

“It has not stopped raining once since I got here. It is wicked here. I am in Linden, that old” (the word “Mule” has been heavily crossed out but I can still see it), “Madam moraine says she knew you when you were here. I have two friends so far. Blissa sits next to me in theory and I would like her to be my besty but I only see her now and then. Sharrielle sleeps in my cube, she wants to be besties but I like Blissa best.

“May the sun shine on you always and the helping hand keep you from harm.

“Your affectionate niece

“Barbriella Nilena.”

I had to laugh at this. That very formal padding is prescribed, you put it in or else your letter is not passed for sending. The middle paragraph is what is interesting. I am looking forward to more little scrolls. The news will only come in nuggets, but nuggets are good. Fancy her going into my old house! And yes, Madam Moraine is an old mule and I care not who knows it!

Well, I finally got ready and booted up Nia Netbook to see what was going on and stars! I felt like the tiniest crawliest worm on the planet! My in-box was full of Emails, everyone saying how fantastic it was that I am coming home. Tuli thanking me so much for making the time, sounding so grateful I really wanted to sink through the floor. Mum and Dad are so excited about seeing me again, it is just heart rending. Of course, the person who is not going to be pleased to see me will not be Emailing me. I had better try not to think too much about that . Shivering.

When I went in to see about breakfast, L was there, but she was looking awfully pale. I could see at once that she was not well and Brian was worried. It was one of her bad Migraine days. I could understand why they were worried, because they were due to go out to a family party later that day, which they had both been looking forward to and L did not want to let people down.

Well, I buzzed around, helped where I could and later Brian and L did go out, but they came back quite early and L had to go to bed. While they were out I pottered some more on Facebook and caught up with the feeds, but there is not much going on, except Mum is now gearing up for the party to end all parties. She is now absolutely happy, no matter what else is going on. Every single member of the family is going to see PattiAnne officially named. Even little Danic is being allowed home for the day for it!

Nothing much else happened for the rest of Monday. We just took care of L, who was not well at all. On Tuesday I got up to another row! I honestly give up on my family sometimes! It seems Ikey had written to Tommo, in the lockholes and told him about Mig’s plans to decamp with half the lings, those who either want to leave, or are too young to be allowed to stay with Ikey, that is, those under 13. Tommo, of course, was furious and wrote, threatening what he would do to Mig when he got his hands on her. Mig was furious and also scared stiff, who would not be, of that great brute? So the lockhole guard have told us they are sending a double escort with Tommo now, to prevent trouble. Mig was also furious with Ikey. Ikey was unrepentant. Mum, of course, was just at her wits’ end! It seems everyone is dead set on ruining this ceremony for Shay and Tuli! I calmed her down as best I could. But there is real nasty trouble in the making there!

I spent a good bit of Tuesday morning in my closet as Brian and L had visitors in the shape of L’s sister and brother-in-law. I was curious to see them so I peeked through the door. L’s sister is taller than her, but you can really see a likeness, you can see they are sisters. She is very pretty. Of course, I know whose lap I would rather sit on, but then, you could say I am biased! Giggling.

When I came out later, the den looked very different. There was a new desk in there, so Brian and L now have one each for the times when he is working here. The den is a lovely room, I really like it in here!

That evening I was in my closet, looking at my two backpacks. L had said she wanted me to take the new one to London, but I needed to go back to Merseyside, I had things there I would need to collect, including my best clothes. I did not have room in the backpack to pack everything and was just wondering what was the best thing to do, when L knocked on the door. She said she had been thinking of what was best to do about getting ready for the ceremony and she had something to suggest. Why did I not pack my old pack for the last time now, take it back to Merseyside in the morning and spend the day there. Then, if I would like to, I could collect anything I needed, pack it and bring it to L’s on Thursday. She would help me to get everything ready and packed to leave. I would spend Thursday night at the Lair and leave for London early next morning. Lep leave always begins at dawn and this is another of the rules by which leps working in the human world are governed. If you are on leave, you are not allowed to be in your employer’s house. So I must leave for London at dawn on Friday. The lep day does not begin at midnight, just so you know, it begins at dawn.

I jumped at this idea of L’s. My last night before going home spent at the Lair in my lovely closet. Yes and yes! I finished packing my old backpack and left the new one here ready for the London trip.

On Wednesday morning we set off on the boring boring train very early. We only went as far as Crewe, then Brian had to go to work and I disappeared before his colleague saw me and zapped to the house.

The rest of the day has been spent just occupying my time, cleaning and tidying, there is a bit to do as we have been away for a while and trying not to think. I am just counting the hours till I can leave for L’s, which Brian says I can, as soon as she is up and about tomorrow morning, he says I have to check that she is ready before just going. What does he think I would do, honestly!

I just wish it could stay Thursday, or that I could sleep through next week. It is too quiet here. I keep seeing that face, leering out at me from the bushes. I just wish there was a door! I would feel safer! If anything happens I would not even be able to let Brian and L know! Maybe I could ask Mella. It would mean telling. A risk. I will have to risk it, I cannot just leave them not knowing!

Oh, enough of this, I am probably blowing it all out of proportion! It has been twenty years after all. AS L said, it may all be in my head.

But what if it is not?

Enough, I said. I am out of here. I am going to play a game, wash the floor. Anything. I am not going to think of it anymore!

Determined face.

April 13

Oh my stars. Oh helping hand preserve me! I am used to being in scrapes of one kind or another, but they are never serious. Now I am in trouble and if I do not get out of it, I do not like to think of what will happen to me.

I am here, in London, in the colony, I will talk more about that in a while, if I am not interrupted, which I should not be, but I really must write about yesterday.

I left for L’s yesterday, it must have been about ten in the morning. For once I was able to zap straight there and not use the boring boring train! I had a lot of things in my old backpack including my ceremonial clothes which I had been given at Shana-Sherin. These needed to be washed and pressed. I wanted to do that at L’s so that I could pack them last thing and keep them as nice as possible.

Well, L was up, of course I had checked that. She was very subdued, she was not feeling well. I made her a hot drink and then got on with what I needed to do. I had a fairly busy time, so I did not have time to think much, but all the time I was washing, drying, ironing and packing, there was a feeling like a great big stone was lodged in my chest and weighing me down so that I could hardly move my feet.

Nothing happened though, until mid-evening. I just had one load of my casual things which just needed to come out of the dryer, be folded and packed. I had time to myself, so was having a game of Ping Pong. I was doing very badly, not concentrating, when L knocked at the door and brought my clothes in for me. She tried to jolly me along a little, asked if I was not just a little excited now. I told her the truth, that I was feeling so awful at the thought of going away that I did not know how I was going to stand it! Of course, this was not the whole truth, or anything like it. I wonder, if I had told her everything, what would have happened! I rather wish I had just spilled it all now. AS I might never see L again, I do, do so wish I had told her just everything there is to tell!

Anyway. Just for a second or too, things got slightly intense. I have to say this here. L never ever forgets that she and Brian are a couple, nor does she usually forget that to show me too much affection would mean trouble. It is such a fine balance that we have to keep here! But just for one second, she hugged me tightly and told me she would miss me. That was all! It is not like she said the L word, or did anything more than hug me as a friend would hug a friend! But they must have gauged the intensity of feeling in the room. They were watching. They sent a green star. She let me go pretty fast when I told her and I had to explain what had happened. I also had to prepare her.

One green star is a warning, it lets you know you are being watched and that your behaviour is displeasing the top brass. But I had an idea that they would take this further, from the size and colour of it. It was big and bright, emerald green, it pulsed in the air for a good fifteen seconds. That was bad. I was pretty sure that the only reason that worse had not happened was that I was on the way back to the colony anyway, so there was no need to involve a human in lep disciplinary matters.

Of course, I could not explain this to L, there was not time. I had to get her out of the room before something worse happened. I had to tell her though that if they thought I had violated the code I might not be allowed to return. Then I had to watch her leave and know that it might be the last time I would ever set eyes on her. Just to make matters worse, when she had gone, another star was sent. Bigger, brighter, with silver edges. Which means there is definitely going to be a disciplinary hearing of some kind. I lost my head and shouted at it to go away, which did me no good at all.

The awful thing is, I do not know how serious this is and will not know until they decide to tell me, whenever that is. It may be that I will be disciplined by our colony council, not likely, but it could happen, it could be a matter for the Handers, a group of leps who work to teach and control use of the Helping Hand in the colony. They also work with the code, as far as it is used in the colony, so this matter might be referred to them. AS I say, not too likely, but it might. Then, it might go to the lep’s Central Council for England, there is a department there dealing with the code I know, it could go there. I hope it goes there! They might be open to reason.

If it goes to Shana-Sherin, I am in deep deep trouble. If whoever was monitoring me thinks I have committed a breech of discipline serious enough to be dealt with from the old country, then my chances of ever seeing my home again are pretty slim.

I did not sleep after L had gone. I did not even try. I just sat on the sofa, looking around my beloved closet, at all the lovely things in there. I went back in my mind to the very beginning, to the early days, working for Brian, helping with audio production and making funny promos for him. I remembered when he and L were working for a different radio station, when they first met, of the fun we had there. I thought about meeting Hinky, of our friendship, of riding home at breakneck speed on his motorbike when we first heard about Team-Fm. The hard work, Grabbing a sandwich and a beer in the closet with him while Brian and L were busy. That day at the fancy restaurant. So many many things. I did not dare to think about L. It was hard enough thinking about Brian, I do so, so wish I had been given a chance to say goodbye to him, after all the great times we have had in the last three years it is hard to believe I might never see him again.

When the East was starting to get grey, I got up, had one last look around, put on my coat, shouldered my backpack and shut the closet door behind me. I had a walk around the Lair just looking at things. I really wanted to peep in on L, to have one last look at her, but I simply did not dare. I closed the front door without a sound and left the building. When I had reached the bushes beside the little brook in the grounds I zapped out to a place I had thought never to come back to again. And believe me, I wish I had never come back. Being here brings back too much that does not bear thinking about.

Well, let me tell you about what it is like here. This colony has been made from an abandoned warehouse complex. It is very large and seriously overcrowded. Every tiny particle of space is used for something. The first thing you might notice is that there are very few doors. Once you get through the heavy outer door past the colony guards, doors are few and privacy is very hard to come by.

Stretching in front of you, winding away for as far as the eye can see is a long passage which acts as the colony’s main thoroughfare. It is fairly wide and is the one place which is kept free from obstructions. It has to be. It is, at all times of the day and most of the night, crowded with leps. Branching off the main passage are innumerable others which may lead to still others. The ways get narrower and narrower, the deeper you get into the colony.

Even on the main way you will see the cubes begin. Tier on tier of them, rising in serried walls to the far away rafters. The cubes are made of all kinds of things. Richer, luckier families have cubes made of storage containers. If you are a rung or two down the ladder you might have a cube walled with wood or plaster board. Other cubes are made of anything that can be foraged. Pieces of sheet metal, icy cold in winter, plastic, the dismantled remains of things humans have no more use for. The worst ones are made of canvas or even heavy duty polythene pulled over some kind of frame. Ladders and rope catwalks crisscross the masses of cubes and the whole place is festooned by a jerry-rigged mass of wiring which gives us light, power and a small amount of rudimentary heating and piping, which is not always leak-proof. Water is not available in every cube by any means, only at designated areas, but at least the colony is lucky enough to have it and we do not have to dig holes in the ground for sanitary purposes as some colonies do.

If you looked down one of the many passages, or narrower alleyways, you would first notice the crowds, swarming masses of leprichaunity, walking to and fro, climbing up and down ladders, swinging along ropes, often carrying backpacks or bundles. A lep colony is rarely still even at night. After movement you would notice noise. This colony is never ever silent. There is a constant background hum. Voices, movement, the sound of the generator and the air purifying system that has been rigged up and which only partially works. Then there are the thousand other noises made by crowds of leps all living on top of one another. Talking, arguing, leplings crying, cooking sounds, sawing and hammering, singing, drunken laughter and the endless flapping of innumerable curtain doorways made from anything which can be made to serve. The curtains are all the privacy we have and some of the poorer or lazier families do not even have those. They flap in the endless draft from the air purifier, making a noise that almost sounds like an enormous flock of birds.

I know I am making it sound like a very bleak place and believe me, it can be! But there are those, my own family included, who would rather die than leave it. Enormous ingenuity goes into making cubes comfortable, friendly places and for making the most of limited space. A lot of the better off families have things that humans do not want anymore, like old computers, for example! This is a thriving colony and many leps living in some shack in a field and trying to hide from the farmer, would consider themselves in heaven living here.

Well, now that you have an idea of the place, I will tell you more about what has happened to me today. I arrived at dawn, of course, everyone was astir and the place was teeming, but I was expected. The guards let me in and there were two watchers, if you please, waiting for me. They told me that as I was under a warning I had been allocated a quote guest cube unquote, in the guard’s quarters, until the council decided whether or not I was a danger to the colony! So I was marched off to a plain grey metal cube, high up near the roof. Stars! My climbing skills are seriously in need of brushing up! I have become scared of heights, I do not like it up here. I have been allowed to keep my luggage, thank the stars! I was not offered any food or drink, but thank goodness I put a packet of gummie bears and a flake in to the front pocket of my backpack and I have been making those last. I am told that I will be allowed to see someone from my family later today, but I do not know when or if I will be allowed out of here to the ceremony, or what.

In here there is a sleeping hammock, a chair, a cover over a cleansing place in the corner, a kind of shelf which is serving me as a table. I have seen worse. I think it is just the not knowing that is driving me mad.

If Shana-Sherin or the Central Council decide I am in serious breech of the code I will not be allowed to go home. If Shana-Sherin get involved and make the ruling I may be allocated a new post. I would hate it, but it would be bearable. But if they decide I am not to be trusted around humans anymore, then I will have to stay here, or I may be sent somewhere else. I know a lot about the Code and the Helping Hand. They could send me anywhere they think I could be useful. After living with humans, to be forced to live in the lep world full time again – I just cannot stand the thought of it. It is an awful thing to admit, but it is how I feel.

I have had no sleep for I do not know how long. I suppose I should try and get some. I will leave this now and write more when I have anything to tell. Stars! I so, so miss home. I just want to be at home.

Sad face.

April 15

Hi. My word, I feel grim! I am usually as healthy as anything, I have not had an upset stomach for ages, but you try eating laurel pie, ragwort salad and bread made from I do not like to think what and you would have one too! Just so you know, our digestive systems are very different from those of humans. Of course, we can eat human food with the greatest of ease, but if we had not adapted to be able to eat what we call wild food which, coming down to brass tacks, means leaves, roots, flowers, in fact plant life of any kind, we would never have been able to survive. But just one of the proofs I have had since I arrived that I have grown soft is that I now find that wild food tastes like nothing on earth and my stomach hates it as much as I do!

But I suppose that the fact that I am eating at all is a huge improvement in my circumstances, so I must not grumble too much. I am no longer a quote guest unquote of the colony guards. I am now at Mum and Dad’s cube, which is a lot nearer ground level and I have thankfully been given a bottom bunk for sleeping and do not have to swing about like a monkey! Ugh, that was truly awful!

I stayed in the guards’ guest quarters all of Friday. I was offered no more than a cup of water and a hunk of bread which, do not mistake me, by the time it came I was grateful to get. I will not even try to describe my state of mind during all that long time. Suffice it to say that I just lay in the hammock and cried until I had no more tears left, although I was pretty certain I was being monitored. I spent another mostly sleepless night, wondering how L and Brian were and what on earth was going to become of me!

Sometime on Saturday morning I began to hear an altercation going on fairly near to my cube. As altercations are nothing unusual, I paid no attention. Even when it became louder and more heated, I just tuned it out. Suddenly my cube burst open and in stormed Mella, looking more furious than I have ever seen her look. She reached into my hammock and practically hauled me out bodily.

“Come on,” she said, “We’re going!”

I was staggered, I can tell you, but I was glad enough to get out of there! AS we came out, some guards tried to stop us and she just bulldozed her way past them. She said that since I had arrived I had done no wrong to the colony, broken no law and was no threat and she would serve as my guarantor if need be, but that they had no right to keep me under arrest without charge beyond twenty-four hours and unless they could think of any charge, she was taking me home. They had nothing to say to that, so she dragged me away.

What I most wanted was a shower, a change of clothes, a huge breakfast and to sleep in a proper bed! When we got to Mum and Dad’s I got a very warm welcome. They were both delighted to see me. There were a flock of my nieces and nephews there, as I had expected, Mum and Dad’s place is never empty and I was hugged and kissed and jumped all over until I wanted to hit someone. I got a pale of water to wash in, which I had to do in front of everyone, a wooden bowl of porridge and a narrow bunk, which I had to share with too younglings, which is to say leplings under a year old, who were having their morning nap.

Funnily enough I did manage to sleep, in spite of the close quarters and the noise. When I awoke it was lunch time and the cube was packed to the rafters with family, all wanting to see me. Mum had boiled a huge pot of hedgerow soup, the pungent green smell of which was filling the place and making my eyes water! I managed to choke down my bowlful, though how I did it I do not know. I suppose having Mella and Derry on either side of me, asking me a hundred questions helped. Lita and Mart were there, Tovey and Lina, Mig and a lot of her brood and also lots of people of whom I have not written here. Even my old uncle Arf came over with my young Aunt Kittenella!

Uncle Arf is what you might call a character. He was married to Aunt Junie for I do not know how many years and then she went to the high country, that is the lep euphemism for dying! I do not know why leps have euphemisms for everything, since I have lived among humans who call a spade a spade with regularity and refreshing bluntness, I find this wishy-washy reticence just incredibly irritating! Anyway, Aunt Junie died! This is my journal and I refuse to mince my words here, blow it on the wind! Uncle Arf did the decent thing and mourned for a year, like you do. And then he married Kittenella Filiusna and scandalized the family nearly speechless! I mean, he was ninety-six and she was just sixteen and Marilee, which is to say old enough to be married. Of course, she was not of age and if old Filo had stuck in his heels about it, Uncle arf could not have done it, but I think some grains changed hands there, Uncle Arf was always well heeled and Filo always had an eye to the main chance. Anyway, married they got and married they have stayed and they are happy as larks. You cannot hide anything in this place. If there is trouble in a family, the whole colony knows about it, there is no privacy here, as I have told you! But there is none and never has been between Arf and Kitty. She minds her cube and looks after Uncle Arf and pops a ling every year, she has twelve now and another on the way.

Good gracious, digressing again, Bert! Well, anyway, Uncle Arf and Aunt Kitty were there with their lings, my word what a crowd! The afternoon passed in talk, talk and more talk. They all wanted to hear about humans and I told them a lot of things, anything I could without going into personal details about Brian and L, which I am not allowed to do.

The crowd began to thin out around supper time. Dad had been out foraging, but it was a wet day and he had not got much. Mum baked a laurel pie, as I have said. Laurel pie is one of Mum’s specialities and I used to rather like it when I was little, but moon above me! If I never eat it again it will be all right with me now!

Mum and Dad and indeed most people tend to settle down early. The colony is never still, a lot of people have to work at night. A good deal of foraging has to go on then, as well as very necessary colony maintenance, but a lot of cubes do not have a light source, so when the daylight goes there is little to do but sleep.

I had my bunk to myself this time. It will not always be so, because today we are expecting more new arrivals for the upcoming ceremony. I made the most of being able to spread out and hoped for at least one peaceful night, only my poor abused stomach had other ideas. I will draw a veil over the night, there is such a thing as what humans call T M I.

Suffice it to say that when dawn came I was first up and went to help Dad get water for the cube and to do a few other chores. Dad never says much, so I was surprised when he asked me about my current troubles.

“Hear you got a green star, son. What’s up with that then?” was what he said.

I absolutely did not want to go into it, but something made me look at him and what I saw surprised me as much as anything in my life. My gruff old Dad, who I really thought had little or no time for his book swat son who had gone to live with humans, was looking truly worried. I opened my mouth, not knowing what was going to come out and found myself telling him the whole story from start to finish. At the end I got another surprise. I had been staring at the boards of the floor, but something made me look up. My dad looked at me, looked me square in the eyes and I saw things in his face that he would never put into words. Pride in me. Concern for me. Even, could I believe it, love? Then he said:

“Son, feelings is funny. Ain’t nobody can control ‘em. You feel something, you feel it an’ that’s that. In my book, ain’t no one got the right to tell you how to feel neither, no matter how much book learnin’ they got. But rules is there for a reason. Think about it, son. If birds was allowed to love fishes, where could they live? See, it ain’t natural. Point is, it ain’t the brass’s business how you feel, but it is their business what you do about it.”

I do not think I ever heard my Dad say as many words together in all the time I lived at home and to say I was flabbergasted would be an understatement! I did not know how to begin to answer, but it seemed no answer was ok by Dad, he just went on looking at me for a minute, saying things that needed no words and then he went on:

“You’ve made this family proud of you, son. WE never said much about it, your Ma and me, but your good name’s meant a lot to us over the years. We knew before you said a word to me about this Ere business that you never did nothing to bring shame on us and we know you’ll always keep it that way. Whatever happens now, just remember you’ve always got us, ok?”

Well, that just about finished me. I was too choked up to do more than nodd. I had to drop my eyes and get busy and fast with the water pump.

“Now can you still remember how to find food and what plants is what, young Bert, cos this is a big family, an’ gettin’ bigger all the time, there’s a lot of ‘em’s going to show up today and the store’s a bit low. Or have them humans made you so soft you can’t tell a good plant from a poisonous one?”

That was more like my old dad! I stopped being a wimp, laughed instead and we zapped out into a suburb and skulked about in gardens for hours, gathering a really good haul. I was actually quite proud of myself!

We have not long got back. Mum and Dad have both gone out for a while to do a few errands before the hoard descends and I have a little very rare peace. If things go on like this, it may not be quite as bad as I was afraid of.

Well, except I still do not know about the hearing. And even if I get out of that, there is still the other thing. I actually think I will go out and help Mum and Dad, or see if I can find Mella or something. I suddenly do not think being in here alone is a terribly bright idea. Will write more later or tomorrow.

April 16

This cube is full of leps, talk and bustle, but I want no part in it. I am curled up on my bunk with my knees practically to my chest and Nia Netbook in the tiny bit of space in between. I have to write about what has happened to me. If I write it down, maybe I can get my head around it. Maybe I will be able to bear it. Maybe I will not just break every rule in the book and zap home without permission. Maybe I will not just crack and start screaming, or crying, or both. That is what I feel like doing.

Ok, enough of that. Calm. Stay calm. I have to stay calm, or I will never even stand a chance of seeing my home again. One thing is clear, I have got to go home. I cannot stay here in this colony, that much became clear yesterday. I am skating around the edges of this, let me start at the beginning.

After I had finished writing yesterday, I put Nia Netbook away and went out to find Mum, or Mella, or anyone. I suddenly felt scared of being alone. I found Mum, she was drawing a ration from the colony store, which she had been given permission to do, with the naming ceremony coming up. Just to explain here, if you forage for yourself, you do not draw rations from the colony stores, you fend for yourself, or not, as the case may be, it is either one or the other. But Mum and Dad had been given permission to draw extra rations on top of what Dad had been able to forage, to feed all the extra mouths that were expected. It is rare that permission is granted, but not unknown altogether.

Mum was standing in the line and I stood in it with her. There were lots of leps there who knew me and I was asked a lot of questions before we got to the head of the line, drew our rations and went back to the cube. Mum was glad of a hand to carry things, actually, so I was glad I went.

Once we were back, I helped her put things away. Dad was back from his errands and the place began to fill up. In the afternoon, Nile and Netta and their lings arrived from the country. I have to say they all looked incredibly healthy and happy and we had a great time. I could forget, for ten minutes at a time, that I was under a warning and the other thing.

AS the afternoon wore on, the cube got more and more full of family. It was quite late, well after supper, before the crowd thinned and it was just Mum and Dad, Nile, Netta and the lings. I went to my bunk, which I was going to share with one of the older of Nile’s lings, I wanted something from my backpack, the lings had been admiring my clothes and I wanted to show them L’s favourite shirt, which I had brought with me.

As I opened the pack, I knew at once that something was wrong. Everything looked neat enough, but I could see at once that it was not quite as I had left it. Someone had been through it. They had been very discreet, but they had been right through, from the quick look I took before I closed it.

I wondered what was best to do. The place still had a good many lings there, some of them quite young. If there was going to be trouble, I did not want them to see. I went back to where Dad was, sitting in his swinging chair and whispered to him.

“Dad. There’s trouble. Can we get the lings out of here?”

He gave me one searching look and then swung into action like a general. He took Nile and Netta to one side and within two minutes they’d suggested a game to the lings which sent them running out of the cube. The younglings were asleep and would not be worried by anything, if we were quiet.

Then Mum and Dad, Nile, Netta and I all gathered around my bunk. I opened my backpack and began taking everything out. I was terrified that something had been stolen. I had not brought a lot of my belongings with me, but what I had brought I did not want to lose, especially if they were all I would have to remind me of Brian and L and my home. As I took more things out I began to feel relieved. Nothing had been taken. But then I found that it was worse than that. Nothing had been taken, but something had been left behind.

We found it when I took out my ceremonial clothes. The beautiful suit made of silk and fine velvet which I had been given on graduating from Shana-Sherin. I had had it cleaned and pressed and was going to wear it at the naming ceremony with pride. Only now I would not be able to. The clothes had been unfolded and refolded around a lump of soft filth. It was smeared on the precious materials so that they would never again be good for anything. The awful smell filled the cube. In one place on the beautiful cloak where there was no filth, but where it was clear to be seen, someone had left a hand print. The print was made in paint, or ink, I do not know which and it does not matter. We could all see that it would never come out. My ceremonial clothes had been maliciously, comprehensively and deliberately ruined. I would never be able to wear them again.

For what must have been a full minute that felt like an eternity, we all stood in stunned silence. Then Mum and Netta burst in to tears. Dad swore and Nile, who does not have the strongest of stomachs, ran for the cleansing place. I just stared and stared and stared at the hand print. It was Dad who spoke first.

“Come on you lot, get busy! Lil, get some more wood on the stove quick. Young Bert, get all them things back in your pack, check the inside is clean. Clean it if it ain’t. Net, pull yourself together an’ go an’ see if Nile’s ok. Come on, move! Them lings is going to be back here any minute, an’ we got to have this place in order when they get here. Lil! Is that stove roarin’? Good. Bert, I’m sorry son. You know we got to do this. They ain’t good for nothing else.”

He picked up the bundle of my ceremonial clothes with a long pair of tongs, opened the front of the stove, threw them in and poked them well inside, before shutting the door on them. As the awful stench of my beautiful outfit, my only memento of Shana-Sherin, burning to ashes filled the cube, I think I must have passed out.

I awoke in the early hours of this morning, lying in the bunk next to one of Nile’s sons who was having a fidgety dream. The first thing I remembered was the thing that had been done to my clothes. I began to shiver uncontrollably and could not stop. Of course, if this had been done to something Brian or L had given me, it would have been even worse and this was bad enough. At least, I told myself, I had only lost my ceremonials, I had only worn them once, for moon’s sake! But it was not that which was filling me with churning fear. What was and is, scaring me half to death is that twenty years has meant nothing. I was warned never to come back here and I should have held out against the family and stayed away. I was also warned never to breathe a word to anyone about what happened twenty years ago, or my family, starting with those I loved the best, would suffer. Back when this whole naming ceremony thing came up, I thought I just could not put Mum and Dad and Mella at risk, or I would have told Brian and L everything and I would be in my lovely closet this minute, or in the house on Merseyside and none of this would be happening.

L told me to face my fears. Well I am facing them. Looking at them and they are looking back at me. That face, staring out at me from the bushes as I came outside to wait for Madam Lynnara to finish talking to my parents before taking me away. That voice! I still hear it in my nightmares.

“Don’t you never come back here, young Bertie. If you do, I’ll get you for what you done to me. I won’t never forgive you and I won’t never forget it neither, if I live to be three hundred I won’t, so you better just never come back here. And don’t never breathe a word about me to no one, if you want that little brat to stay safe!”

I should have listened to the first bit, but I should have breathed lots of words. I should have told Brian and L. I should have told… oh what is the point of writing about what I should have done? That does not matter a hill of beans now!

What is absolutely clear is that nothing has changed at all and that I cannot stay here. If things go wrong for me at this hearing and Shana-Sherin decide I am not to be trusted around humans they could allot me a job in another colony, or they could keep me here, as a hander. Only I cannot stay here. I will not. It is too dangerous.

But what can I do? Tell them?

No. Far too risky. I cannot put Mum and Dad, or anyone else at risk and Mella has the new ling on the way, I do not care what it costs me, I will not tell the authorities.

So where does that leave me. What can I do?

Stay and let it happen?

I might have to, I suppose, after all, threatening a thing is one thing, doing it is another. Except, I would be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. NO! I am not staying here. I am not going to. I will not! I would rather do anything else. As long as the family is safe, I will not put them at risk, I do not care what trouble it gets me into. I will not stay here.

So what else could I do?

Go home? Go rogue?

Go rogue! Oh my stars!

I could zap home and then, before anyone could do anything, I could foreswear the helping hand and go rogue. Then no one would be able to monitor me anymore, they could not do a thing about it!

But to foreswear the hand! No more zapping. No more freezing spells, moving things, or summoning, no more hovering up to be able to reach L’s kitchen counters, or get on to her sofa without having to be helped. I would have to live in the world of humans, standing at thirty-two inches high, I would not be able to look after Brian and L as I have done. I would be the one needing to be looked after.

But then, while I might not be able to do some of the things I have done before, I am still me! I still have my hands, my brains. I can still help Brian with his audio production work. I can still bring L a cup of tea when she is feeling poorly, even if I do have to stand on something to make it for her! I would have to get used to traveling human style and that would be a horror, but I would a thousand times far rather do that than live in this world full time! Oh yes I would!

But would Brian still want me? Would L still… no! Better not even think that. They would. Wouldn’t they? And suppose I went rogue and they were angry about it. Suppose they just turned me out? Oh stop it, Bert, that is a stupid idea, as if they would!

Yes. I have decided. It is my last resort, but if all else fails, I will go rogue. But oh stars! I would never be able to see or speak to the family again! They would all disown me, every one. Even Mella. She would have to. But I would still have Brian and L. Oh, what shall I do? I cannot bear the thought of that!

I will just have to hope I am not faced with the decision and can explain things to whoever I have to, so that they will let me go home! If something bad does not happen to me first, that is. If it does, how will Brian and L know?

Oh enough of this. Everyone is flying about, trying to get ready for tomorrow. They have left me alone, I have said I am feeling ill, which is not far from the truth. I must try to pull myself together and go and help. I just hope Brian and L are ok and that I can be with them again soon. That is all I want, all that I will ever want!

April 17

Stars! I am completely exhausted! I do not remember the last time I felt this tired! It is very late, everyone else is asleep, but it has been quite a day and I really must try and write down everything that has happened. One thing went to plan: PattiAnne got named and endowed with the helping hand and every member of the family was there to see it. Nothing else much did!

We were all up at the crack of dawn. Dad and I got wood and water and then, once we’d all had a hasty bite and sup, we went on with getting party food ready. We had been at it since yesterday. When I had come out of my huddle I had gone to help Mum and Netta with the cooking. When Gwenice and Leo and Lani had arrived in the afternoon, filling the cube and taking up any remaining space there was, Gwen and Lani gave a hand with the cooking too, but even so there was plenty for all of us to do. Leo and Lani had changed a lot since I had last set eyes on them! They had become nut brown from working in all weathers, their skins as rough and wrinkled as horse chestnut burrs, their backs seemed permanently stooped, their hands almost as hard and horny as a snail’s shell! Their faces were also always wreathed in smiles and they laughed a lot. I do not think I have ever seen two leps so happy with the world and happy in each other’s company as those two. I know Mum grumbles about no wives, husbands nor leplings for either of them, but they want nor need none. They seem to have all they need.

Anyway, we had all been really busy yesterday and I had gone to bed so exhausted that I had slept like a log and we were just as busy during the morning. My Cordon Bleu training seems to have been of some use after all! Actually, since L has been in our lives, I have had to cook more, so I am very glad I learned how to do this.

At about eleven in the morning we had everything as ready as it was going to be and we all began to get ready for the ceremony. WE all put on the best we had. I, not having my ceremonials anymore, settled for a pair of nice cream chinos, my best loafers and L’s favourite shirt, the black one with the Harry Potter on. It was not what I wanted, but the best I could do and at least wearing that shirt reminded me of L and of so many happy things.

When we were all ready, Dad formed us up in line, in order of age and we left for the handhold.

If you walk along the thoroughfare for as far as you can, you come to the back wall of the complex. It is also built up with cubes. These cubes are for the colony council mostly, the guards also have cubes here, although they also have cubes elsewhere all over the colony. But this is where the Handers have their cubes: quarters for living, for learning and there is the Handhold, where leps are married, named, where they are bidden farewell and sped on their way to the High Country, where any ceremony involving the helping hand is performed.

This is where the family was headed. WE made our way there, winding our way through the teeming crowds who tried to give us room, as they could see a formal procession of some kind was passing. As we moved along, more family members joined us from their cubes. Barty, looking ridiculously pompous in his advocate’s robes, with his wife minnimarni and all their family, including Andelaine and Gordy, to my surprise! Mella and Derry and their five, Mart and Lita with little Danic, accompanied by a healer from the gardens, no less! Shay and Tulia, Tuli holding PattiAnne, who was dressed in the family’s ceremonial naming robe which has been worn by every single lepling, including myself, since I do not know when and looking as proud as can be, Shay keeping the other six boys in line, smoothing hair, pulling jackets straight, making sure everyone of those lings was in apple pie order. WE were joined by Tovey and Lina and their lot. Mig and her family. Many more of my brothers and sisters about whom I have not written, until all thirty of us, with our families were walking in line, from youngest to oldest. Even Tommo had met us, surrounded by four guards and come to walk beside Mig. True, they were glaring at each other like poison, but at least he was there.

As we drew near the Handhold, there was one more surprise. WE had accepted that there would be just one person missing, which could not be helped. Young Babsy would not be allowed out of Shana-Sherin for the ceremony. We could not expect that. But as we drew near the hold, there she was, with Madam Moraine holding tight to her hand as if she might fly away at any second.

I thought Mum was going to have a bird on the spot and Netta nearly dropped out of the line, but Dad just looked at them hard and Babsy walked back, demure as you like and fell in beside her older brother and went on walking towards the hold, with Madam Moraine walking beside her on the outside of the procession and shooting me some very piercing glances because I was not in ceremonial clothes.

Finally, we arrived at the hold. It is the largest cube in all the colony, well, it needs to be. The walls are lined with tier upon tier of seats, but they are not made of wood, or metal, or even plastic. They are swinging chairs, strung on tiered frames, the chairs being made of rope, light metal or wood and canvas, with rope ladders strung so that you can climb the tiers. Down on floor level there is standing space and in the centre of the cube is nothing but a simple upright wooden chair, and a square wooden table, both of them in plain white wood. On the table is a box.

This box is the single most valuable thing in the whole colony. In a fire or flood, it would be saved first. It is quite large, about eighteen inches by eighteen inches square but only half as deep. It is made of heavy crystal. When the lights shine on it it refracts into a thousand glowing colours that bounce off the walls and the seats and the ceiling in a strange way. The box is beautiful and awesome and a bit eerie. It contains the colony’s helping hand.

WE all filed quietly into the Hold and got into seats. There were Handers in there already, quiet leps in white robes and they showed us where to sit. Tuli and Shay and their other lings were led up to the table and made to stand in front of it in a row, with Tuli and PattiAnne in the middle.

When we were all in place, the hold became so still you could almost hear a dewdrop fall. There was the usual noise going on outside, but inside the hold it was eerily quiet. Then, with no fanfare, fuss nor bother, a curtain opened and a tiny, shrunken, wrinkled old lep fem walked up to the chair behind the table. She was dressed in a white robe, like the other Handers we had seen, but my word! I do not think I ever saw an older lep, she must have been at least two hundred and fifty! Her hair was silver white, her face was a mass of wrinkles, her mouth was a shapeless gummy hole, but there was nothing wrong with her eyes! They were blue eyes, piercing as sapphire chips. She stood for a moment in front of the chair, with one hand on its back and one hand on the tassels of her golden girdle, which was something I had not seen on any other Hander that day. She raked the assembled company with those blazing blue eyes and for one moment her glance fell right on me. I wanted to look away, but I could not. For a moment that seemed endless, we looked at each other, this holder of The Hand and I and it was as if she could see into my soul. Then she turned her eyes elsewhere and gave a little nodd. It was no more than a tiny jerk of the head, but it was meant for me.

She sat down behind the table and gestured for Tuli to draw near.

“What is your name, child?” she asked. Her voice was quiet, but we could all hear her.

“Tulia Alfardna, my lady.” Answered Tuli, a little tremulously.

“And your name?” to Shay.

“Shayo Alburgan, lady.”

“And the name you would give this child?”

“PattiAnne, my lady.” Said Tuli, “To honour the Saint.”

The old Hander smiled, just a very little.

“Born on the dawn of Saint Patrick as I am told. That is a good omen. Now let us begin.” And, raising her hands towards PattiAnne, she began to speak in the Handers’ ceremonial language, which I would not write here, even if I knew it, as it is very sacred and special.

As she spoke she was holding out her hands toward the youngling, but she was not looking at her. She was looking at the Box, as were we all. For a while she went on speaking, her voice rising from its clear, level tone, becoming persuasive almost, as if she were trying to win an argument and then almost pleading.

Finally, the thing for which we had been waiting happened. The lid of the box began to move. The holder of the hand went on talking, pleading, supplicating and the lid lifted higher and higher until with a burst of brilliant light it fell all the way open and clattered down upon the table.

Three things came from the box. The first was brilliant light, a light brighter than leps who do not live in the human world would ever usually see. The second was a smell. I cannot even begin to describe it: If I say that it was like the smell from all the flowers growing in the gardens of the high country and from all the fruit ripening in the sun kissed orchards there, that would not even begin to do it justice. I have only smelt it a few times in my life, but no perfume a human made, not even L’s, ever smelled like that, or ever could! I heard a phrase once, I think it might have been in a book, or maybe on the human radio, which just about puts it into words. It smells like the breath of heaven.

The light and the smell were special enough, but the third thing was the most special of all. It was a white hand, a real, warm, living hand, wearing rings which sparkled in the light. It raised itself up out of the box towards us. You could see the hand clearly, in every detail, but from its wrist downwards it seemed to dissolve in a luminescent mist and if you were minded to look for more of the arm you would only see that mist and the light coming from the box. If anyone were reading this but me they might think it sounded gruesome, but it is not. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. Without the helping hand we could do nothing, we would have nothing, would be just nothing. I looked at that beautiful hand and thought of what I had written here last night and my heart quailed. And then I thought of Brian and L and that face and my resolve strengthened again.

The hand was curled, not quite clenched into a fist, but gently curled as if it was holding something very precious, which indeed it was! The holder of the hand beckoned and Tuli handed PattiAnne over to her. The youngling did not wriggle, nor cry. She was staring in wonder at the hand in the box.

And then something happened which was not in the script. Something amazing. She reached out towards the hand. The Holder tried to jerk her back, it is absolutely forbidden to touch the hand unless you are a Hander and an important one at that, I think only the holder may do it and only if permitted. But that youngling gurgled and touched the hand, which then opened and clasped hers for a second. When it let go, PattiAnne was holding what the hand had held, a tiny white hand, made of light and air, which no youngling should have been able to touch! A gasp went up from us all, including the Holder and Tuli began to cry silently for joy. Meanwhile, the tiny white hand was sliding up PattiAnne’s arm towards her heart. When it reached the place on her beautiful white naming robes over where her heart was, it suddenly glowed in a million colours, the glow seemed to spread all over her, making every bit of her skin sparkle for a few seconds, so that she looked as if she were made of diamonds, brilliantly shining.

Then the glow faded and she was just our youngling again, smiling and gurgling up at the Holder, who smiled down at her.

PattiAnne Shayona I name you,” she said. “You are welcomed into our colony and endowed with the helping hand which serves and protects us all.”

She handed the youngling back to Tulia and looked hard at her.

“Two hundred fifty years and three it has been since I was endowed with the hand,” she said, “and I have served here for the last one hundred and eighty of them. But I never saw anything like that before. What it means I do not know and will not guess, just take good care of this youngling of yours.”

And it was over. The box slammed closed, the light and the smell were gone. We all began to climb down from our seats, but we were so awestruck at what we had witnessed that no one had anything much to say at all!

Then I heard a deep guttural voice roaring “Zgyte! Dirty little Zgyte!” and we all looked around.

Of course, it was Tommo. He had made the most of the time when we, his guards included, were all gazing in rapt awe at the Hand. He had snuk away from them by degrees, climbed down from his seat, which happened to be very near to ground level and crawled towards where Mig and the family had been allocated seats. The Handers had made Tommo and his guards sit apart from them. Now Mig had climbed down, followed by Ikey and three or four others and Tommo had Mig by one arm in a vice-like grip and was yelling into her face.

And not just any kind of yelling either. Zgyte is a lep swearword and just about the worst thing a male can call a fem! There is a human word, L calls it the C word, she really hates it. It is like that, only worse! To be roaring it here, in our most sacred place, it was, well, not good.

Of course, there was uproar. The guards had got well separated from Tommo by the crowds of family, they were pretty horrified and they started pushing through us to try and get back to him. The Handers were trying to shut him up, with complete lack of success, he just kept on shaking Mig and roaring at her, using swearwords which got worse and worse and worse!

Then we all got a shock! Mig, little mousey Mig, who normally would not have said boo to a goose and certainly never to Tommo, took the free arm that Tommo was not gripping, brought it back, clenched her fist, brought it swinging forward and gave him such a clip around the ear that it must have rattled his teeth! It cut off his roaring as if someone had flipped a switch. Indeed, the sound of it was so loud that the whole place fell silent. Tommo’s legs had gone rubbery and he fell to his knees. Mig grabbed hold of him by the chin before he could slump right to the floor and looked him dead in the eyes.

“Tommo, ye’re nothin’ but a great bully, an’ ye’ve bullied me once too often. I’m goin’ te ask the cooncil fer a dissolution, an’ they’re goin’ te give it te me, especially noo! After that, I’m fer takin’ the weans back te Scotland. Ikey’s no wantin’ te come and that’s fine, he’s old enough te make up his ain mind. But I’ll no put up wi’ ye anymore, an’ that’s flat!”

Tommo looked at her blearily and mumbled:

“See you in the low country before I’ll let you have my lings, you dirty Zgyte you!”

She looked at him like a mother would look at a naughty ling who’d got his clothes dirty.

“och, you should nee ha’e said that again, Tommo,” she kind of cooed. Then she took her fist and clipped him right under the jaw. He went out like a light!

For about three seconds, there was silence. Then there was a huge, huge, ringing cheer, with which, I am ashamed to say, I joined in heartily! The guards finally got through, they picked up Tommo like a sack of coal and carted him away between them and that was the last he saw of the day’s festivities!

Well, that loosened all our tongues and we filed out of the Handhold and began the long walk back to Mum and Dad’s cube. We were all chattering and laughing like a cage full of monkeys! The noise had to be heard to be believed. Only Mig walked demurely with her hands folded in front of her, her head bowed and her eyes down.

We got back to the cube and my word! You never saw such a crush! One medium-sized cube was not meant to hold so many of us. Dad, Leo, Nile and I had rigged up extra hammocks and seating of course, but still, the crowding was horrendous!

Pretty soon the food was being passed around and Dad was filling every possible receptacle with Zair from his big barrel. Zair is the most common drink brewed in lep colonies. It is not a very strong drink and each family has their own recipe. Indeed, it is made from whatever you can find that is good to brew with. Lots of different plants go into it, Dad says, but as I have never learnt to make it, I cannot tell you exactly what. I believe fruit also gets used, when we can get any. The name is obviously a lep word which would translate into English as good cheer, or something very close. I got a tin cup of Zair in time and sipped it gingerly. Having been used to human drinks, I did not know what this would do to me. I was pleasantly surprised. Dad must have used some apples in the brewing, it reminded me pleasantly of human cider, which I had got to try once, when I had first come to Merseyside, although this tasted a lot greener than cider. Still, it was very drinkable indeed.

Pretty soon the Zair and the food was making everyone extra talkative and the decibel level just kept on rising! Even the lings over thirteen had been given a small tot, so there was laughter, romping and games going on all over the place. I had drunk three cups and had not eaten too much food for the sake of my poor stomach and was feeling nicely warm and mellow. I was sitting in a corner with Mella and Derry, we were chatting about this and that and I had just started to feel that today was not going to be half bad at all, when a roar of rage made us all look round.

Barty was standing in the middle of the floor, his robes all ruffled and his nose pouring blood! Gordy was standing in front of him, bristling like a dog with his hackles up and his fist back to hit Barty again.

“You ain’t gonna talk to my Andi like that, Mr. Bartle,” he bellowed. “Not while I’m ‘ere you ain’t.”

Oh my word! Then there was a simply awful row! Barty was yelling at Gordy, andelaine was yelling at Barty, Minnimarni, that’s Barty’s wife you know, was yelling at them both, Dad was trying to calm everyone down, Mum was having a bird, the onlookers taking sides. I could see that at any minute the fists were going to start flying in earnest, for no reason other than too much Zair and hyped up feelings and Mum’s careful preparations, not to say things in Mum’s precious cube, were all going to be wrecked. I had to do something and I still do not believe what I did.

I jumped up on a table, loaded with platters of food, cupped my hands around my mouth, lifted my voice and yelled at the top of my lungs.

“Stop it! Shut up! Shut up, the whole Zblert lot of you!”

Now, dear journal, I have a carrying voice and I never usually swear, I really do not. For me to shout at all at home is unusual enough, but for me to shout and use the equivalent of the human F word, well, have you ever seen a polar bear in California? There is no doubt that I really had shocked everyone and the silence was instant. I might have put a freezing spell on the whole lot of them! There was Gordy, with his fist up and Barty with his finger pointing, mid gesture and my old Dad with his mouth hanging open. It would have been funny if it was not so serious.

“Do you want to ruin Mum’s day?” I went on, when I was sure I had everyone’s attention, “Not to mention Shay and Tuli’s and PattiAnne’s! Barty, sit down and drink your Zair and stop being such a pompous idiot! Gordy, just because he is a pompous idiot, there is no call for you to be a hotheaded fool. You two have things to work out, but not today. Go and take Andi a walk and come back when you have cooled off, for star’s sake! The rest of you, remember where you are and what day it is and zblert well behave yourselves! This is a party, not a punch up! Sorry, Mum and Dad.”

And with that I got down from the table and sat down.

Well, it took a little while, but the party atmosphere did eventually come creeping back. The talk and laughter soon began to get louder, but I did notice that I was collecting some odd looks. In fact, now that I came to think of it, I had been collecting them all day. Everyone was looking at me as if I was going to spontaneously combust on the spot, as if I was a bomb that was about to explode, or else as if I was a rather noxious puddle that had to be carefully skirted around. I wondered what on earth was the cause of this. No one knew anything except Dad and I had not seen most of these people in years and then I just shrugged it off. I just had more Zair and a little food, talked to this one and that and tried to enjoy myself.

It must have been around supper time when I found myself near Barty in the crowd. I tried to avoid him, but he collared me. He was looking very smug.

“I hear you are about to get booted home to us, Bertalius,” he said. That is one thing I detest about Barty! He never ever uses anything but full names!

“No, not if I can help it, Barty,” I said, staring straight back at him, “And it’s Bert, if you don’t mind.”

“They won’t trust you after this.” He said with an intolerably smug smirk, “You might get a job as a hander, or a coder at the council here or elsewhere, but you’ve had it if you think they’ll ever let you go back to that place you’re so proud of!”

“How do you know anything about it?” I asked, I could feel a chill spreading all over me.

“One of my lings was out by the pump. She heard you talking to Dad and came and told me. I know everything about it, young Bertalius! I always knew you had not a particle of sense! Soft, that is what you always were and you still are!”

I felt as if my whole body had turned to ice. If Barty knew about my troubles, then the whole colony would soon know. No privacy, like I once said. That was why everyone had been looking at me so oddly for hours. I just wanted to sink right through the floor.

And then I pulled myself together. I would not change one moment of these last three years, not one second of them. I am not ashamed of who I am, nor of how I feel and if anyone does not like it they can… yes well never mind that. The resolve inside me strengthened and I looked hard at Barty.

“Maybe I am soft, Barty,” I said to him quietly. “But I would rather be who I am, faults and all, even if they get me a hundred green stars, than to be like you, a pompous, cold-hearted, petty-minded lep engrossed in his work, with a wife who is frightened of me and children who do not love me.”

Barty’s mouth fell wide open and I thought his eyes were going to fall out of his head, but I gave him no chance to answer. I just turned and moved away.

I spent the rest of the party trying to avoid talking to people. I was main glad when the crowd started to thin and I could throw myself into helping Mum, Lani, Gwen and Netta clear up. Nile, Leo and Dad were putting the cube to rights. It was really late by the time everything was in order and we all fell into bed.

Only I cannot sleep. I still have not heard about any hearing. I only have two days of leave left. When will they tell me? When will I know anything? If they do not tell me, will I be allowed to go home?

These are all questions I cannot answer. I will try and go to sleep now, I am so tired. I so so miss being at home with Brian and L! I do hope they are ok! If only I were back in my lovely closet! Stars, I am crying again, I must keep quiet so as not to wake anyone. But when I think of never seeing home again I just cannot stop the tears. Oh helping hand, just let it be all right! Please, please, just let it be all right!

April 18

Hi. Well I have a slight headache today from too much Zair, but that was not entirely unexpected. Otherwise I am ok. I can summon up what has happened today in one word. Nothing. Well, nothing important, that is to say. I have heard absolutely nothing about my hearing, although the whole zlendt colony seems to know about it now, thanks to Barty! I cannot set foot outside the cube without collecting a battery of stares and it is as bad or worse for Mum and Dad. They do not say much, but I know it is getting to them, especially Mum.

We were all up early this morning, Mum wanted to pack up parcels of food for Nile and Netta, Leo and Lani and Gwenice, for them to take home. I gave her a hand with this, I was glad to have something to do. Now that all the excitement is over there is an awful feeling of flatness. No one much has anything to say, the atmosphere is awkward and people are treating me as if I have a contagious disease!

As soon as we had all had breakfast, Leo and Lani set off for the old country and Nile and Netta with their brood were not far behind, Netta was itching to get back to her home in the country. Gwenice had left as soon as her food parcel was ready, with barely a goodbye!

Once everyone had gone there was a fair bit of work to do. The cube needed a really good bottoming and there were several things which the lings had broken by accident, so Mum, Dad and I set to and we went at it with a will, me especially, until the whole place shone like a new pin! Then I went out foraging with Dad for an hour and we came back with a fair haul, in time for Mum’s carrot pudding, stewed wild greens and nut bread.

In the afternoon there were yet more goodbyes, rather unexpected ones! Mig came to see us with six of the eleven lings. She had seen the council that morning and her dissolution had been granted. Ikey, his two eldest brothers and two sisters had been allowed to stay behind on condition that Mum and Dad would keep a close eye on them. Now that she had everything settled, Mig had come to say her goodbyes. Apparently she already had everything packed and had only been waiting for the ceremony and for the legalities to be settled and now that it was all in order she had nothing more to wait for. She was off home to Scotland.

Of course, Mum had twelve kittens and a whole flock of birds, but it did no good. She did her best to persuade Mig to stay, but it was already far too late! Mig was quiet, kind and firm. She had a new life to make and her lings to think of now and she was shaking the dust of London off her feet.

Just before she left, she leaned down to where I was crouched on a low stool and kissed my cheek.

“Good luck, Bert,” she whispered. “Always be yerself, no matter what. Never be ashamed of who ye are.” And with that, she was gone and I hope the Hand will protect her.

For the rest of the day I have just been kicking my heels around here, making myself useful in whatever way I can. I have not been able to stop thinking of Brian and L. I miss them so so very much, more every day. I do so hope they are ok. The thing which is driving me half out of my mind is, tomorrow is the last day of my leave. If I do not hear anything tomorrow, will I be allowed to go home? If I do go home, what then? I saw a star with silver edges, that means I am under a warning, there will be a disciplinary hearing, but nobody has said when. So if I go home on Friday, will I have to leave again to go back? Go where? I just do not know!

And another thing. There has been no further move from the person who ruined my clothes. What does that mean? Are we all square? I cannot believe it. I took that to be a warning that nothing has changed and I still think so. I have not been alone since Sunday, I have been very careful not to be, so there has been no opportunity for trouble, but I cannot believe the threat has gone away.

O stars! Oh helping hand! I cannot stand all this uncertainty. I just want to run into the thoroughfare and scream: “Here I am! If you want me, come and get me! You can do what you want, only just get it over! Tell me something, anything!”

All this is really starting to tell on me. I keep crying all over the place and have to run to my bunk until it stops. Mum and Dad think it is best to just leave me alone, but I cannot deal with this! If I just had someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be all right! But of course, no one can really say it is all going to be fine, because it very well might not be. That is the problem. I just. Do not. Know.

I must stop this. It is not helping. I will write more when I know anything. I will go and help Mum with the evening chores now. I just hope I hear something soon, or my resolve is going to break and I am going to do something really silly. Like zap home and to the low country with the lot of them!

April 19.

Hi. I am sorry, this will be a short one, but I do not have long. I have once more spent most of today kicking my heels around here, helping with any chores I can to stop myself thinking about things, which has really failed miserably and worrying myself sick.

Just now we were sitting having dinner, well, Mum, Dad and a good number of nieces and nephews were having it and I was picking at it and all of a sudden there was a swirl of green stars and a Hander appeared. He was about my age, dressed in the Handers’ simple white robes and holding a scroll tied in green.

“Which one of you is Bertalius Alfardan?” he asked.

I indicated that I was. I thought my heart was about to stop beating.

He handed me the scroll, bowed to my parents and vanished.

I opened the scroll, which bore the seal of the helping hand, not that of Shana-Sherin, which at least is something to be thankful for. This is what it says.

“Bertalius Alfardan is hereby required to present himself at the Handhold in exactly two hours, when the case against him will be heard.

It is maintained that on April 12 2012, Bertalius Alfardan did knowingly violate the leprechaun code, by being overly affectionate with a human and by allowing the said human to behave inappropriately toward him. It is further maintained that the afore named Bertalius Alfardan may have been in violation of the code on similar occasions prior to this offence

Bertalius Alfardan is commanded to present himself before the holder of the hand and others to explain his behaviour. He is advised that he may bring one person with him for support and/or representation.”

When I saw that, I just wanted to run away. It is what I have been expecting, but to see it there, in black and white. They are accusing me of code violation. Oh stars! Well the fat is in the fire now all right. But I have one thing to be grateful for. I am being tried here, at the colony. Although, who are these others? They might well be sending someone from Shana-Sherin to hear the case along with the holder of the hand. She must have known she would be trying me on Tuesday. That is why she looked at me so hard. And that nodd. What did that mean? Does she think I am guilty already? I felt as if she looked right inside me. If she did, then I might just as well give up all hope, because she will know I am guilty!

But if the Holder is hearing the case alone, she might hear reason. I liked her and I have a feeling, just a feeling mind, that she liked me. If she did look right inside me, she will know what it would do to me to be exiled here, never to be able to go home again.

Anyway, I will soon know. I must go and get ready. Lord, I wish I had my ceremonials! Mum has been sewing like a madwoman since Tuesday and she has made me a pair of breeches and a tunic. They are made of some plain grey stuff, nothing fancy, but at least they are Lep, not human and I will look as I would be expected to in them. I do not want to walk into that trial in my Gap gear! Anyway, I must go wash and change.

Later.

Well, I am now all ready. Dad is coming with me. I feel as if a thousand snakes were writhing inside me. I wish Brian could have come with me, he knows more about this than Dad, he could explain it better! Never mind, it will soon be over now, for good or ill.

Next time I write, we will all know what is what.

April 21

Hi. Well, where do I start? First things first, I suppose. I am home and I thank every star that I am here, but I have one person in particular to thank, if not for her, the hand knows what would have happened!

I ought to have been home at Dawn yesterday, only it did not happen that way, I was getting on for eight hours late, poor Brian and L were half out of their minds by the time I finally showed up. I cannot even begin to describe how it felt to zap into the den where they were. To see Brian’s face go from worried into a relieved smile. To see L almost cry for joy. Just to know how they both feel about me, oh, I just cannot put it into words. To be back with the people who mean so much to me and to know that I need never leave them again, it is just incredible, such a relief!

I had no time to go all soppy though, oh dear no! I only had time for a glass of wine, sitting on the sofa between Brian and L in my old place and then it was in to the shower, a much-needed change of clothes and it was time to help L get ready for the Bear’s Lair. What a show that was! I think it was one of the best we ever did. Afterwards the tiredness hit me and I went to my lovely closet where my warm, comfy bed was all waiting for me and slept like the dead until six this morning!

I cannot tell you how it felt to wake up in my closet this morning, after the week I have just lived through. To lie in bed and look around at my things, my nice desk and chair and sofa, the little hard drive L leant me until I can get one of my own, a pair of headphones Brian likes me to use for audio work, all the small but precious belongings I have collected over time and might have lost forever. I could not help shuddering as I remembered staring into those flint hard eyes that seemed to have not a speck of compassion or understanding in them and how lame anything I said sounded while facing that basilisk stare.

They had sent a representative from Shana-Sherin, you see. Worse, they had sent the head of all tutors, a lep who had known me during all my time at Shana-Sherin, who had chastised me for many a scrape, whom I had heartily come to detest and let me tell you the feeling was mutual I know. They had sent Professor Delian.

When I walked into the Handhold he was sitting there looking at me. The single chair at the table had been augmented by four others. The Handholder sat in the centre, before the box, with the professor on her right. On her left was another lep, a fem, in green, but she looked young and unimportant, I thought her an aid to the Professor, a secretary or some such. On the outside two chairs sat two senior Handers with white robes and silver girdles. My Dad and I were invited to take seats on the other side of the table and we had hardly got settled when the Professor fixed me with his gimlet stare and started in with the icy, dry sarcasm which had always reduced me to a speechless jelly in the past.

“Well if it isn’t the brave young Bertalius!” he began. “Sure I always knew you would cover yourself in glory and do us credit, Bertalius and I see I was right, wasn’t I? Code violation, is it? Dear dear, that’s a nice thing! I’m sure you’ve made your family very proud of you.”

I went as red as a poppy, I just wanted to die. I had no words ready, but there was a cough from beside me. My Father was standing up.

“Begging your pardon, Professor,” he said in a respectful voice, but I could see from the vein throbbing in his cheek that he was holding his temper in with an effort, “AS I see it, it ain’t been proved that our Bert ‘as violated the code yet, but whether he ‘as or whether he ain’t, we always was proud of him and we always will be.”

This came very near to making a complete fool of me in front of the brass, but I gritted my teeth and blinked hard and took some deep breaths and managed to get it under control.

“Well said, Mr. Alfard,” said the Holder, “Professor, I would ask you to remember where you are, this is not Shana-Sherin. Mr. Alfard, please take your seat and let us begin.”

Well the Professor looked abashed for a moment, but only for a moment. Dad sat down looking like thunder and one of the senior Handers stood up, unrolled a scroll and read out the charge against me. Stars, talk about bad luck! It seems the monitoring on me was not constant, just random and they had happened to be monitoring me just for a minute and had started just before that hug. One minute later and they would not have seen it! Of course then they had done a meld spell, felt my feelings and L’s and sent the star because of what they saw! Only very senior Handers can do meld spells, gauge how people are feeling, or were feeling, at any given moment. As soon as the results of the Meld came through, the second star was sent and that was that. They wanted Bert’s head on a platter, or at least, Shana-Sherin did!

The scroll was a long one, lots of legal language and it took some time to read. I sat and listened to my innermost feelings being analyzed and probed and just wanted to disappear. I had been so used to not talking about this, hardly even daring to think about it. To have it all dryly written in legal language was more terrible than you could ever imagine.

When the Hander had finished reading he rolled up the scroll and took his seat. Professor Delian folded his dry old hands with a sound like sandpaper and cleared his dry old throat.

“Well now, do we need anything more?” he asked, fixing me once more with that flinty stare. “My lady, I move that this criminal be not allowed to plead in his defense and that summary judgment be passed upon him and that as he is an accredited student of Shana-Sherin, living and working in the human world, Shana-Sherin should have the sentencing of him.”

I felt myself go cold all over. I had been de-leprechaunized entirely, not even named. “This criminal” Was what I was now. Was Professor Delian planning to have me executed or what? Then I heard a brisk voice.

“Nonsense, professor! Really! If you had wanted trial without rule of law, you should have tried him at Shana-Sherin. I do not know what kind of finagling goes on there and I do not care! Here, we do things properly, legally! This lep is innocent until proven guilty, which is far from settled and he shall speak in his own defense. Now if you cannot talk sense, pray keep quiet.”

I dragged my eyes away from the purple face of the Professor and saw the Holder of the Hand, she was furious, almost trembling with rage, but she took a breath, controlled it and fixed me with those sapphire eyes. Those eyes calmed me.

“Now, Bert,” she said. She called me by the name I am called by my friends and those who love me and an amazing thing that was. “You have a tongue too. Use it well and tell us. Tell us the truth and do not be afraid.”

Well, for a few moments which seemed like years I just sat and thought and then I stood and looked at the Holder of the Hand. As I was speaking, I kept my eyes firmly on those sapphire orbs of hers and I thought then, whatever happens to me, I will tell the truth and I will not be ashamed, nor afraid. This is who I am.

“My lady,” I said, “Professor, learned Handers. If it is a violation of the code to love a human, I am indeed guilty, in fact I am twice guilty. It can be said that I love the human for whom I work, if wanting to do a good job and caring very much about his welfare, health and happiness is a kind of love. You also know from the Meld you took how I feel about his partner. I have come to have a deep affection for her, you know it, so why should I deny it. But how could you, or indeed anyone think that to feel affection for someone is a violation of the code? As I understand it, the code forbids an intimate relationship between a leprechaun and a non-magical creature. My lady, I think you know that I have not violated the code and would never ever do so. I have said I care deeply about the welfare, health and happiness of my human. If I were mad enough to think I could ever get away with violating the code in this way, I would be doing the most awful harm to my human employer. I just would not, could not do it. My employer, his partner and I have built a wonderful life, my lady. We are very close, they are happy together and I am happy taking care of them. I sincerely ask that you will let me go home to them.”

I sat down with tears in my eyes. I really felt that I had done my very best and the rest was in the helper’s hands now.
“Well, Professor?” asked the Holder of the hand.

“Moonshine, dear lady. I have never seen a more blatant violation. It is proven beyond doubt.” Returned the Professor.

“I disagree,” said the Holder gravely. “Bertalius has not violated the code and will not do so. He was seeking and giving comfort, that is all. He is not guilty and should return to his post tomorrow.”

“He is unreliable.” Said the Professor with a snap. “It would be like putting embers into a pile of hay. You will have a fire in the end, Madam.”

“Poppycock!” snapped the Holder in her turn. “He has the welfare of his humans at heart and he wishes to remain there, he will do nothing to imperil himself, I tell you, sir!”

They went on in this way, up and down, back and forth, till I wanted to scream. Finally, the Holder put a stop to it.

“Professor, it is clear that we shall never agree, if we sat here until next Saint Patrick. I propose that we ask a little help from the one who is always listening.”

So saying, she stretched out her hand and sang on three clear notes. Immediately, the beautiful crystal box, which had been sitting on the table the whole time, opened wide, the heavenly smell gushed into the room and the white helping hand lifted from it, its rings sparkling in the brilliant light that shone all around it.

“O helping hand,” said the lady, “You hear and see all. Whose voice do you listen to? Is Bertalius guilty as the Professor says, or is he innocent, as I say?”

For an endless moment the hand did not move. Then it turned and slowly, unmistakably pointed at the Holder.

I could not believe it, for a moment I just sat, stunned and then the relief was too much for me and I had to hide my face.

The first thing I became aware of was raised voices.

“Well, of course the hand would find for you!” stormed the Professor’s voice. “But in my view that boy is guilty as sin and ought to be put in the lockholes where he can do no more harm!”

“That will do, Professor, remember where you are, I say to you again and think against whom you are committing sacrilege!”

The lady’s voice rang like ice and the Professor’s ranting cut off short. He just stood up, crooked an imperious finger at his young aid and in two seconds they had vanished.

I was left gazing at the Holder across the hand, which was still extended from the box. I blinked my misty eyes and saw with wonder that it was turned towards me, with one finger extended, as if it were beckoning.

“Go on, Bert,” She said softly, “Do not refuse help from the helper when it is being offered.”

I walked toward the table like one in a dream, until I was closer to that wonderful smell and bright light than I had ever been before in my life. I had no idea what to expect, but somehow I knew what to do. I positioned my hand just underneath the edge of the box, so that my hand and the helping hand were not quite touching. Slowly and gently, the white hand with its sparkling rings and extended finger dipped towards my hand and then it touched me. The tip of its four-finger touched the back of my right hand.

I cannot even begin to explain what that felt like, what it means to a lep. To be touched by the helping hand means lifelong blessing, love, protection, it singles you out. It does not keep life’s tragedies and bad things from happening to you, as I was soon to find out, but it fortifies you against them, or at least so I am told.

When the hand had gone back into its box, I touched and held the real flesh and blood hand of the great lady who had been so good to me. She smiled softly at me.

“Go home in peace, Bertalius Alfardan,” she said, “Go home and do your duty by your humans, forget all about this bad time, be well and happy and the hand be with you.”

I floated out of the hold, walking on air. My old Dad stumped along beside me not saying much. At one point I turned to look at him and I saw he was looking a bit put out.

“What’s up, Dad?” I asked. “I thought I was in for it at one point, but thanks to the lady it went ok, didn’t it? And you were wicked!”

“Yeah, it went fine, young Bert,” said Dad. “You can go off to them two you think so much of now, an’ we won’t see you for another twenty years, I daresay!” he grinned.

“But one thing I don’t understand, young Bert.” He turned to me and looked at me dead in the eyes, his face was serious again, but I saw he was trying not to smile.

“Why do all you book-learned people have to use such flippin’ long words all the time?”

Well that did it. I laughed and laughed and laughed, laughed until I had to sit down on the floor of the thoroughfare to get my breath! That was so like my Dad!

And that should have been that. Except it wasn’t.

I don’t know if I want to talk about, or even write about the other thing. It’s been a nice day, quiet, relaxing. Brian and L have both been busy with audio production and I have been helping, it is the kind of work which is my meat and drink. Everything is going on as if the last week did not happen. Only I keep catching raised eyebrows both from Brian and L and they both keep dropping hints that they want to know what happened. They want to hear about the trial and above all why I was late back and I just do not want to talk about that. I do not know if I can.

Oh enough, my fingers are aching. I seriously need a glass of wine. I will go and ask L for one. More tomorrow, or sometime.

April 22

Hi. I got such a shock today. I found out you have been reading my journal! It is ok, I was smiling while I wrote that.

Actually, I was not smiling when I first found out, I was pretty annoyed! Well, would you not have been? I just could not believe the people I trusted most in the world could have done this, made something so private public. Stars, I was in such a state. But it is ok, they did not, it was a case of me being technically inept and a slight lack of communication and.. oh stars! Let me go back to the beginning and tell it properly.

Today started just like most others. I got up at six, after a very restless night. I did not sleep at all well, the old nightmares came back, this time with a twist. Shivers! I awoke in a cold sweat and it took me a while to realize I was at home and all was well.

I got up, showered and dressed, made the bed, tidied up, booted up Nia Netbook and had a potter around. Mig was online. She is so so happy in her new home in Scotland. She is living in a shed on a highland croft, far too close to humans for comfort I would have said, but she says she is seldom disturbed and the foraging is excellent. The lings are happy and will soon grow much stronger and healthier. I am so glad for her. I cannot believe she can still get the net up there, but she can. Just.

Apart from that, not too much new. Barty and Minnimarni have had a row about Andi’s wedding, which surprised me. Normally Minnimarni would not say boo to a gosling, never mind a goose, but Andelaine was always her pet and I know she likes Gordy, so maybe she will get the backbone to stand up to Barty so that Andi can be happy. If not, maybe we will see another dissolution in the family and that would make Mum happy! Not!

Anyway, once I had done Email and faced the book, as L says, I thought I would just download the last Bear’s Lair we did, because it was so good and I wanted to replay it. I hopped on over to The radio station’s program Gallery and got it and while I got breakfast ready I listened to it on Gallinda, my iPhone, with my earbuds in.

I had a full mug of coffee in my hand when I heard L giving out a URL which would let people see my journal! I was so shocked, not to say horrified, that I dropped the mug and if I had not done a lightning fast freezing spell it would have smashed on the floor and I would have been for it, because L prizes her precious mugs, has names for them and everything! You think I am joking? I am not!

Well, my shout of alarm brought Brian and L into the den and I confronted them with my hackles up.

“Brian, L, how could you! I never thought you were the kind of people who would snoop on my computer and put things that were meant to be private up on the internet for anyone to read! What did I ever do to you to make you do that?”

They both stared at me as if I had stuck knives into them. L had tears in her eyes.

“Bert,” she said, “Of course we wouldn’t do that! WE didn’t do anything of the kind!”

“Yeah, right!” I sneered, “So why did you just give people a URL where they can read my private. Journal! I didn’t publish that on the Worldwide Web, you know!”

“Yes you did, Bert.” Said Brian quietly. I just gawked at him like an idiot. “I know you’re upset,” he continued in the kind of patient level tones he uses to train people with, “but please will you lower your voice. Come and sit down and let’s try and get this straightened out.”

Well, we all went and sat on the sofa and thrashed the thing out thoroughly and when it became clear what had happened, stars, I felt about half an inch tall!

Without getting too technical here, part of our domain is an FTP server where things can be backed up and stored in case of computer crashes and also for people to download and listen to, or to read. The server is in two sections. The private section and the public section. When my journal began to become a habit, I wanted to make sure I never lost it and as Brian had been kind enough to say that I could use the FTP server and allocate me some space in my own web area, I uploaded it to the server. But I put it in the public area, not the private one.

This is where Brian had found it and shown it to L. They had both assumed that, as I had put it in the public area of the server, I wanted it to be read, but I wanted to be reticent about it and to keep up the pretence that it was private and that I was writing it just for myself. So they quietly did what they assumed I wanted. Brian made a neat little link from my home page to my growing journal. L wrote a nice little intro and sent out tweets whenever I added an update. They both checked faithfully and often and did the necessary maintenance to make sure you got the updates promptly as I put them up. They never said one word to me about it, because they thought I wanted it that way.

And then L made a blunder. People were getting interested in me and she wanted to give the journal a little bit of promotion, so she mentioned it while I was out of the room. She forgot that I could download the show, which I often do, so it is now all out in the open.

When Brian and L told me how many people are reading and following this journal, I was, well, jaw slapped! I am not going to write it here, but it is a lot and I just cannot believe it! I asked Brian and L what was the best thing to do now.

“It is up to you, Bert,” Brian answered, “If you want me to, I will take it down, you can go on writing, but nobody will see it except you.”

“You have that right, sweetie,” said L, “But it would be a shame. You have a lot of friends out there.

I thought about it and then got off the sofa and headed for the door.”

“I think I’ll go and tell them on Twitter that the jig’s up and I know,” I said. “I’ll go on writing and hope they will go on reading.”

And then today just went on. WE have done more audio production today, stars I have missed the work, it is so fantastic to be doing it again! Brian bought us takeout for dinner and I had a huge burger, onion rings and chips. WE all had the same, actually.

Brian is off back to work in the morning and I am off back to the Merseyside tomb for a couple of days at least. We will be leaving at the crack of dawn, so I do hope I get a decent night’s sleep. I am so sick of nasty dreams! L keeps trying to get me by myself, but I have become good at dodging. She is trying to get me on her lap, but for once I am not interested. I do not want to talk about last Friday. Not now. Maybe not ever, I do not know.

Well, it is cocoa time, so I will post this and get moving. I do not know when I will write again, probably not till Tuesday. Hope everyone has a nice couple of days.

Smiles.

April 23

Hi. Stars, I am bored out of my skull! I do not know what I am going to write, it is probably going to be drivel, but unless I do something I am probably going to go off what remains of my head, so, here goes.

I had another restless night. I cannot understand this at all. I have always slept like a log at the Lair! My lovely bed is so warm and comfy, it is so quiet there, no traffic noise at all to waken me. But since I got back from the colony, apart from that one night when exhaustion just got the better of me, I have not been able to sleep worth anything!

The dream always comes and it always begins the same way. I am walking out of the great outer door, with my coat on and my backpack over my shoulders. I am full of joy and relief, because I am going home.

And then I know I am dreaming and I know exactly what is going to happen and I know I am going to have to live through it over again. However hard I try to wake up, it never works. I walk down the path and I see those scrubby bushes coming closer and I think if only I could zap now it would be ok, I would not see, would not know, would not have to live with this anymore!

But it never happens that way. The whole thing plays over again, the face I had never wanted to see again, the taunts, the insults, the icy cold, then the guards… no I cannot even think about it anymore. I just cannot. I am sorry. I know Brian and L want to know about it. They think if I talk about it, or write it down it will help me, but I cannot. I have just tried and now I cannot stop shivering. Going to lay down a while, more later maybe.

Later. Ok, this is a journal. I will tell you what I did today. After my very broken night, we were up at half past four this morning. L always makes breakfast on Mondays, coffee and toasted bacon sandwiches for Brian and I. She also packs Brian’s lunch into a plastic box with a lockable lid. It would take half the time and make none of the mess if she would let me do it, but I know she likes to make herself useful, so I do not complain much.

Once we had all had breakfast, we got ready to leave. The taxi was on time and we had a chatty taxi driver, who liked the look of the cute toddler and tried to talk to me! I had to pretend to be shy and hide my head in Daddy’s shoulder, or we would have been in deep trouble! I may look like the coolest, cutest and, oh yes, most modest toddler on the block, until you look closely, but my voice gives me away in two seconds flat. Daddy thought it a great joke, but I was not in a good mood and felt like biting his hand off by the time we got to the station!

The boring boring train was on time and we were soon seated in it. Brian worked, I read my Facebook on Gallinda. There was nothing new there, except that Lina is pregnant and I congratulated her and Tovey. Stars, I suppose I should not say it, but I am glad I work and live where I do! It would worry me to death to have a new youngling every year and have one more and always one more to find food, clothes and room in the cube for! It always amazes me how Mum and Dad found food and firewood for the family, kept us clothed and made our cube as comfortable as they did, without ever seeking help from anyone!

When I had done Facebook I checked the mail. An Email from Mum, of course, telling Lina’s news, as well as a lot of other gossip. An Email from Tovey, on the same subject and at great length. The usual ream of junk from Hinky. And then I nearly fell off my seat, because there was an Email from Andelaine. She never sent Emails before, at least, not to me! I opened it, wondering what on earth was going on. The subject line said: “Need a Favour” and the text ran thus:

“Dear uncle Bert Gordy and I was wondering if you could help us it’s like this here Dad says there aint no way he’s going to let us get married and I’m under age so I can’t do nothing about it so the only thing we can do is to run away Mum knows about it and says she’ll help us the only thing is we ain't got no place to run to where dad wouldn’t think of looking so we was wondering if we could come to stay with you if the yumans didn’t mind we would be ever so good and help all we could if you show us what to do hope to hear from you soon Uncle Bert love Andi”

I had to read this over a couple of times before I got the gist of it and then I saved it to think about later. We were not far from Stoke by this time and it was time to pack up. But having Andi and Gordy at the Lair? Or at the Merseyside Tomb? Would that even be allowed, I wondered? I’d have to look it up before I said anything to Brian or L about it.

When we got to Stoke, I made myself scarce with alacrity, not wanting to bump into Brian’s work colleague and zapped up to the tomb. I hadn’t been back for a week, so there was mail to collect and sort, dust everywhere, a lot to do, in short.

For a few hours I was busy. I put Brian and L’s favourite radio station on OoTunes, cranked it up and worked till the place shone. Then I went to my room, booted up Nia Netbook and logged on to a very secret and secure website indeed.

This site is a bit like the lep version of Google, but it deals with questions concerning the helping Hand and the Code. It is run from the Old Country, of course and it may only be used by Handers, Coders and accredited graduates of Shana-Sherin, working in the human world. Its security is tighter than solid steel shrink wrap! I am always nervous as a kitten if I have to go anywhere near it! One typo could put me in the lockholes, is how I feel!

Well anyway, I typed in the 25 keystroke password made from upper and lower case letters, numbers and punctuation which I had been given. It is non-negotiable and you have to memorize it. You cannot change it, cannot forget it, if you do, you do not get in. You have to apply to the old country for a new password, which they may or may not give you. If you are found to have written the password down, well, that is a prosecutable offence, I would advise any lep who does it to go and find a coffin!

Well, luckily I, in common with most leps, have a good memory, so I was soon on the site, I looked up the question and got my answer. Very interesting indeed! I shall have to talk to Brian and L on Tuesday or Wednesday about this.

Once I had logged out, I set about erasing my browser history, doing a thorough and deep clean, so that no one would ever know I had visited that site. Then I wrote back to Andi, telling her it was a possibility that I could help and I would let her know in a day or two.

And that is where we are. The rest of the day I have just been kicking my heels, trying not to think of things I do not want to think about. Oh, I know what I forgot! I got a scroll from Babsy today. There is another one who needs to study punctuation, although she is slightly better than Andelaine and has more excuse for not remembering it, being younger!

Dear Uncle Bert

I hope you are in good health and that the Helping Hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a fair report this week.

Madam Moraine says I am going to turn out to be as naughty as you were because I got in a fight and smacked loriella’s face because she pulled Blissa’s hair and made her cry but it was worth it because now Blissa says I can be her besty I am liking my lessons I like cooking best Madam Prim is my favourite teacher.

May the sun shine on you always and the helping hand keep you from harm.

Your affectionate niece

Barbriella Nilena.

Madam Prim? Is that short for something? I do not recognize the name anyway. The cookery tutor when I was there was old Professor Toffle and he hated women anywhere near a kitchen!

Oh well, I am babbling, so I will stop now. I am really dreading tonight. Wish I had some sleeping medication! I just want to go to sleep and sleep right through! No chance of that! Even if I could get hold of some over the counter ones, the moon only knows what they would do to someone as small as me! So I shall just have to do the best I can. See you tomorrow, or whenever. Hope you have had a good day.

Smiles.

April 24

Hi, Everyone. Stars, what an up and down kind of day this has been! But it is ending ok.

Well, I had another broken night’s sleep, same old nightmares, woke up in a cold sweat at stupid O’clock and could not get back to sleep for ages. It was getting light when I did finally nodd off and I woke up late, to hear the phone ringing. It was Brian, to remind me that we were going home to the Lair today! I had completely forgotten! He said that he was being driven directly there and would let me know when he arrived, at which time I could shut up the Merseyside tomb and zap home. Why he cannot let me go straight there to help L get ready I do not know, well, I suppose I do, better keep the top brass happy. But it did not improve my mood any!

Well, I got up and went through my morning routine. Once I had everything tidy, had showered, dressed and made my bed, I booted up Nia Netbook and checked my Email. Nothing much there, except the usual ream of junk from Hinky.

I had a potter on Facebook next. Everyone seems to be all right. I gather Ikey is missing his mother a lot. He is not used to foraging and is having to draw colony rations. Even though that only has to feed five of them, he says they are getting slim pickings and are all hungry. Apparently Liella, his eldest sister, is doing the cooking, but she burns things more often than not. I wonder if he would not have been better going to Scotland with the others.

Lita is getting very fretful, worrying about Danic, she wants to go to Ireland, but cannot for another week or two. Mart is working like a beaver to pay the bills and she hardly sees him. I suggested, if she wants something to take her mind off things, she should go over to Ikey’s place and help out, perhaps teach Lella to cook properly at least!

Mum says Dad hurt his back again, trying to carry too heavy a load of wood home and is laid up. Apparently Tovey is going to do the foraging for them till he is better, on top of his colony work. Tovey will look after them, I know, he is one of the colony’s best foragers, but I do not know whether he will be allowed to do any foraging on the side for the family, I thought anything he found would have to be put into the common store.

As soon as I had finished catching up on the news, I went over the house, dusted, polished and vacuumed as usual, did some laundry, packed my back pack and got ready to leave. After that I just sat and tried to keep my mind from nose-diving. I love being at the Lair, but I know as soon as I get near L she is going to start in with the questions again. Why can she not see that I just do not want to talk about it?

I got the call I had been waiting for at about three in the afternoon. Brian had arrived at L’s and they were waiting for me. I had mixed feelings as I locked up, headed down the drive and, once out of sight of the neighbours, zapped home.

I got a very warm welcome, as usual. The lair was lovely and warm, the radio was on, I got a friendly greeting from Brian and a hug from L and my lovely closet was all ready for me. Normally this would have just made my day, but the nicer they both are to me, the worse it makes me feel! I really should tell them. But what if I do and they do not like me anymore. No, I cannot risk it!

Well, I went into the closet without saying hardly a word. I heard L saying: “oh dear!” and Brian said “I know.” And that made me feel even worse. I just stayed in there, not wanting to come out. I heard the kettle boil and Brian’s voice talking on the phone and life generally going on, but I did not want to go and see what was happening, or if I could help. I just sat on the sofa, feeling absolutely awful in most ways you could imagine.

I was so sunk in gloom that I did not even hear the door open, but I looked up when I heard it close decisively. They were both there, standing just inside the door, determination written all over their faces and my heart fell into my boots.

“I didn’t hear you knock,” I said in my least friendly voice.

“We didn’t,” said Brian quietly. “Bert, this has gone on long enough. We’re going to have to have a talk.”

“I don’t want to talk!” I snapped.

L came over to the sofa, sat down on it beside me and extended her hand to me.

“Well, will you listen then?” she asked.

“I suppose I have to.” I tried to sound unfriendly still, but my voice started shaking, so it did not quite work.

Well, the next moment I was on L’s lap and Brian was sitting beside us and I was being a complete wimp. I will draw a veil over the next little while, I will just say that I felt some of the weight lift off me.

“Ok,” Said Brian finally, “That’s one step forward. Now Bert, you have to realize that we’re not completely stupid, we know you very well. We know that something very bad happened to you at the colony last Friday, didn’t it?”

I just nodded my head and made an assenting noise.

“Ok,” he went on, “Now, it’s obvious that you don’t want to, or just cannot talk about this yet. One thing we do need to know though. Are you still in trouble with the colony, or Shana-Sherin, or anyone at all?”

I was really surprised at this. I raised my head from L’s shoulder and looked at him.

“no,” I said. “I’m in the clear with everyone, I promise.”

“That’s fine then, sweetie,” Said L. “Look, Bert, obviously we want to know what happened, because it’s really upsetting you, anyone can see that. We’ve never seen you like this before. We want you to tell us because, whatever this is, we don’t want you to carry it alone.”

“That’s true,” said Brian, “But we’ll wait for you to tell us in your own time. We just need you to know one more thing, ok? Whatever happened to you last Friday is not going to change your position here, or affect your job with me, or affect the way either of us think of you. That’s a promise. Now, we’ll let you alone, come out whenever you’re ready.”

And they were gone. I just sat for a little while, thinking about what they had said. It is true, the heavy weight seems to have lightened a lot. But can I really risk telling? I will have to think about that one, maybe I will do it tomorrow.

Anyway, I soon came out and helped L get dinner and we have spent the rest of the evening in here, clicking on our computers and listening to the radio. I heard this evening that Down for Double, Brian and L’s joint radio show, is coming back on air. That is fantastic news, I used to love helping on that show! We will have a ton of fun doing that on Saturday evenings, just yay!

All in all I am a much happier lep tonight. It is time for me to go and make cocoa, so I will say goodnight and may write more tomorrow. By the way, if anyone wants to follow me on Twitter my user name is @berthartgen I would love to tweet you there!

Ok, I am really off now. I hope you have had a nice day and thanks for reading.

Smiles.

April 25

Hi. This is getting way, way past a joke. Something will have to give soon, I know it will. I have been in my closet for most of the day, thinking things over and the decision is made. I am going to have to tell Brian and L everything. They have to know what happened last Friday and also what happened twenty years ago. If I do not get this out into the open, I am never going to be able to move on.

Of course, there is a risk that if I tell, Brian and L will never like me as much anymore. But I have gone over and over and over it and whichever way I play it, I do not see what I could have done different than I did, either last Friday or way back then.

I am sorry for being cryptic, I know you probably want to know too and I will write it down here, but I need to tell first, that will be hard enough, believe me!

Ok, let me tell you about last night and today. Last night the nightmares were back, worse than ever. You know that thing in a dream where you try to run, or move, but your legs and arms seem to be moving through treacle? Well, we had that. I tried to shout out, to warn, but that was not happening either, or so I thought. It all got worse and worse until I thought I would die of fright, until I felt a hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me.

It was L. I sat up and turned on my bedside lamp. It was 3 AM, I was pouring with cold sweat, my bed clothes were on the floor and I was shaking all over.

“That’s four nights in a row I’ve heard you having nightmares, sweetie,” L said. “I’ve thought it best to let you be, as you obviously didn’t want either of us to know, but I had to come in tonight, you were yelling the place down.”

Stars! I was so mortified, I wanted to sink right through the floor. I mumbled something about being sorry if I had kept her awake, but she was not listening. She remade my bed, brought me a cup of chocolate and stayed while I drank it.

When I lay down again and she said goodnight and turned off the lamp I thought she would go away. I was dreading trying to get back to sleep. But she did not. I heard her pull the desk chair over and sit down beside the bed. She did not say anything, just sat there quietly and just knowing that she was in the room enabled me to soon drop off to sleep.

I cannot say I slept right through, but I had no more nightmares, which is a mercy!

When I woke up I felt half dead and I finally realized this really cannot go on. I dragged myself up and got on with my morning routine. I had a potter on Facebook and checked my Email. I had another Email from Andi, fussing at me to see if I have talked to Brian and L about whether she and Gordy can come and stay. I have not even thought about that since Monday. I really must talk to them about it later. Nothing much new on Facebook. Apparently Lita took my advice and is helping Lella over at Ikey’s place, so that will stop her fretting for a while. Apparently Mum chased old Jockie the healer out of the cube yesterday, because he turned up drunk and told Mum to put a hot flat iron on Dad’s back! Really, he gets worse and worse! What good is that going to do? I wish to goodness the council would retire him and apply to the old country for someone half decent!

Well, I went into the den and found L getting Brian’s breakfast and looking like I felt. I offered to help and for once she let me. You could see they were both tired and worried, but neither of them said one single word to me about last night, neither of them asked a question, they were just as usual to me and I felt like the lowest, creepiest, crawliest worm on the planet!

Once Brian had started work and L was laid on the sofa with her favourite baby to cuddle because her back is bad today, I went off to my closet to think things over and that is really where I have mostly stayed today. I have just helped get dinner and I have come back here to write this. Once this is posted, I am going to tell.

I feel like I am about to go to the hearing again, in fact this is a bit worse, because if I lose Brian and L, I might get another job with other humans but, well. I do not like to think about it. It just makes me go cold all over.

Oh, come on, Bert, you are only putting off the moment. Ok. I am out of here for tonight. I hope you have had a better day than I have. Hopefully I will see you tomorrow and it will all be ok.

April 26

All right. This one is probably going to go on for a long time, so lay in a good stock of food and drink and make yourself comfortable because this is a long story.

I am going to tell this as I told it to Brian and L last night. I told it sitting snuggled between them on the sofa. They listened to me until I had finished and did not interrupt once, which is just one of the many reasons why I love working for them!

Ok, figurative deep breath and let us hope my fingers hold out. On the Thursday evening after the trial I felt so happy and relieved. There was a quiet celebration with just a few family members, Mum and Dad, Mella and Derry, Tovey and Lina and a few others. WE had some food and Zair and I went early to bed. I was up before dawn, had my back pack fixed all ready to leave. It was hard saying goodbye to Mum and Dad, I promised I would not leave it another twenty years before I came home again.

I still remember how I felt as I walked with Mella down the thoroughfare towards the great outer doors. The joy, the relief, the illation. I was going home, I was in the clear. It had been an awful week, but it was all over. Nothing bad had happened to me beyond the ruining of a suit of clothes I would never really need and everything was all right. I should have known it was all too good to be true!

Mella kissed me goodbye at the outer doors and the guards saluted me as they let me out.

I walked out into the fresh air, as I had walked out all those years ago, towards the patch of scrubby bushes we all used to hide in before we zapped anywhere. I was not thinking of anything but how wonderful it would be to be in my closet, waiting for Brian and L when they woke up, I would perhaps even have breakfast ready for them. And then I heard a rustle and she was standing in front of me. The one person I had never wanted to see again and I was looking into a face that had haunted my worst dreams for twenty years. It was the face of a lep fem who had once been my teacher, playmate, and our closest family friend. Siennella.

Her family had lived in the cube next to ours for as long as I could remember, so we had always played with Nel and her brothers since we were all younglings. But when Nel was twelve and I was eight, Mum had her third set of twins and nearly died of it.

For about three months, Nel would come over to our cube after school and help Dad in any way she could. All of us who were old enough would help with the little ones, but there were so many of them that any extra pairs of hands were always welcome. As time went by our family seemed to get more and more unruly. The older boys were interested in food, fems and fighting and the older girls were just interested in boys. It was not easy finding anyone steady enough to help take care of the little ones, so Nel and I usually had the job to ourselves. WE soon became very good friends, particularly when we discovered that we both had an interest in books, the Code and the Helping Hand.

Every day, once we had the chores done and the little ones settled, we used to get out our books and settle down to learning whatever we could. I soon saw that Nel was streets ahead of me and knew lots of things I did not. She found in me an apt pupil and taught me all she knew. I have always been a quick study and in the three months or so it took Mum to get over her bad time, I had caught up to her and knew as much, or even a little more, about the Hand and the Code as she did.

When Mum was better she took over the management of the cube again, but she would still ask Nel to come over sometimes and give a hand, because she was so good with the small lings. She could make them be quiet when they had been driving Mum to distraction all day. One word or look from Nel and the most unruly little hooligan was suddenly as quiet as a lamb, it was uncanny how good she was with them!

I pride myself, too much perhaps, on being quick-witted, but it took me longer than it should have to catch on to what Nel was doing. When it did finally hit me, it made me go cold all over! The first, most important rule of the Leprechaun Code is that you never never never use the helping hand against another leprechaun. Only the crack colony soldier guards can do that and then only in extreme emergencies and moon above, it involves you in paperwork from here to next Saint Patrick! But it eventually dawned on me that Nel was using the hand in some way to control the lings.

For a long time I wondered what was best to do. In a lep family, loyalty was everything. Nel had come to seem like a part of ours, so sneaking on her was unthinkable, but then, she was breaking our absolutely top rule and she was using the Hand in a way that it should never be used. But was she actually hurting any of my brothers or sisters? I did not know, so I dithered and did nothing.

And then, one day, something happened which decided me. My little sister Mella had always been a favourite of mine. She was three years old, warm-hearted and lovable, but because she had been petted by everyone she had become a bit spoilt and had a fine temper if she was thwarted. On this particular day she took it into her head to play with one of Nel’s books and accidentally tore one of the pages. Nel knew enough to do a repair spell on it, but she would not let Mella have the book again and Mella began to cry and would not stop for anything.

I had been looking after two of my little brothers, had heard the roaring and went to see what I could do to help. I turned around just in time to see Mella stop crying and become as still as a statue. I rushed forward with a cry of indignation, because, although I was only eight, I knew a freezing spell when I saw one. I had seen them used on objects to prevent them from falling, or on small animals by leps who chose to eat meat, so they could be easily caught, but to use one on a lep? A tiny ling of three? It was a terrible thing.

As I reached out for my sister, the spell was lifted and she went limp. I caught her as she fell and for one horrible moment I thought she was dead, but she was not, only asleep. I took her to her bunk and settled her down. Then I went back to Nel, who was calmly reading in her usual seat.

“I can’t believe what you did,” I said to her. She looked up enquiringly.

“What’s up, Bertie,” she asked unconcernedly, “What you lookin’ like that for?”

“You used a freezing spell on my sister! I saw you do it, so don’t bother trying to deny it.”

“Oh don’t go all high and mighty. The brat deserved it and that wasn’t nothing. I can do worse than that. I been taking lessons from old Lolly, she knows lots of neat stuff.”

I went away and sat down to think. Lolly was an old fem who lived not far outside our colony. She once had lived here, but had been thrown out for a reason I did not know, no one would talk about her. Some said she had gone rogue, but others said she had foresworn the hand and had found other power from plants and used that instead, which I think was nearer the truth. If Nel was augmenting the hand with things which Lolly had taught her, then she was dangerous and something would have to be done about her and I would have to do it.

I waited until Nel had gone back to her cube and the rest of the family was asleep. Then I got up quietly, dressed in the best I could find and crept from the cube. I walked down the thoroughfare, collecting some odd looks, but no one spoke to me. I walked to the back wall and was not challenged until I came to the Handhold. There I was stopped by a young lep in a white robe with a simple blue girdle, a junior hander.

“You are out late, are you not?” he asked me. “What brings you here? Should you not be at home in your bed?

“I should.” I answered. “But I must see the holder, or one of her senior helpers, it is very important.

“Indeed?” answered the Hander, raising his eyebrows and trying not to smile, “What is your name and why must you see such an important person at this hour?”

“I am Bertalius Alfardan,” I said. I was quaking in my shoes by this time, but I looked him in the face and tried to be brave. “I have come to tell you that the Hand is being seriously misused, our first rule is being broken. I have seen this and can bear witness.”

The Hander’s face suddenly lost its suppressed merriment and became very serious. He told me to wait and went away.

Presently the Hander returned and beckoned to me. We did not go into the Hold, but up a short ladder and into a small, very simply furnished cube. There we found a tall fem in a white robe, a silver girdle hastily tied and, looking rather odd, a frilled nightcap. She looked very dignified, the nightcap notwithstanding and I felt rather afraid.

“Thank you, olgard,” she said, “You may leave us, I will call when I need you again.”

The junior Hander bowed and left and a pair of penetrating grey eyes raked me over from head to toe.

“Well, Bertalius Alfardan,” She said, “It must be a very grave matter that brings you to me at this hour. That you may know, I am Yiolara Olivarna and I deal with misuse of the helping hand in this colony. Now, tell me what brings you here.”

I looked her in the eyes all the time I was talking. I tried to keep my voice steady, but let me tell you that was hard. AS anyone reading this journal will have gathered, I do not find it easy to hang on to my emotions at times and a few tears fell on to my hands as I told about the freezing spell which had been put on my favourite sister. The Hander listened patiently to the end and then she said quietly:

“Bertalius, I believe you are speaking nothing but the truth, but the council will want further proof. Are you willing for me to take a Meld? Do you know what that is?”

I gulped. Even at my age I knew about Meld spells. At Shana-Sherin you were taught about them, how to withstand the rigours of them so that you would hardly feel them, or even notice if one were taken, but without preparation, it would be like being severely punched around the head, both sides! But there was no doubt in my mind. I squared my shoulders and nodded my ascent.

The Hander looked me square in the eyes, then there was a huge thump of excruciating pain in my head and the next moment I was flat on the ground, living through that time again earlier in the day. I was with my two brothers, settling them to play quietly with some off cuts of wood. I had heard Mella crying, had turned around, had seen her freeze…

The next thing I knew I was at home in my bunk. Mum was giving me a drink. They said I had been sleepwalking and one of the watchers had found me and brought me home.

None of the family ever found out where I had been. Nel and her family moved to a different part of the colony soon after that and we never saw them, in fact they avoided us. I did hear one strange thing though. Nel turned thirteen and everyone thought she would get into Shana-Sherin for sure, but she did not. Neither did she go for a Hander, or Coder, Healer, Watcher or Guard. She just went plodding on with a normal Lep’s education, which ends at the age of fourteen. After that she started normal work and menial work at that. As soon as she was Marilee she was married to Droothus Droothusan, a drone of the first water, who had a job in sanitation!

I had never thought to set eyes on her again, but I was wrong. On the day of my thirteenth birthday Madam Lynnara had told me to go out to the bushes and to wait for her there while she had one last word with my parents. I had complied and as soon as I had got well into the bushes, I had seen her face staring out at me.

Leps usually blend in well with our background, we need to. If we did not, humans would quickly spot foraging parties. We are usually sandy in colouring and our skin tone is such that if we stand still against foliage we are easily camouflaged. Unfortunately, Nel was different. You would be able to see her wherever she was because of her hair, which was flaming red. Her skin was creamy white and seemed to sparkle in the May sun, her green eyes flashed and her red lips curled contemptuously as she smiled at me. I thought how beautiful she was, even as I shivered with fear.

“Think you’re something now, don’t you, Bertie,” she said softly. “Five years ago it would have been me, going away to the old country to study, with Mum in tears and Dad looking so proud! Only you seen to it that it would never happen. They give me a black star, did you know that? A black star, so I can’t never work with humans, nor be a Coder, nor a Hander, nor a healer, nor nothing useful. You seen to that, Bertie!”

“You saw to it,” I managed to croak, “You put a freezing spell on my sister!”

“Oh yeah, your precious little sister.” She sneered. “You wanna watch out for your sister, Bertie, cos now she’s here and I’m here and you ain’t here no more.”

“Don’t.” my voice was a whisper and I was cold all over. “Don’t you hurt my sister. Don’t hurt any of my family.”

“You got one chance to keep ‘em safe, an’ yourself too, for that matter.” she said, staring at me hard. “Don’t you never come back here, young Bertie. If you do, I’ll get you for what you done to me. I won’t never forgive you and I won’t never forget it neither, if I live to be three hundred I won’t, so you better just never come back here. And don’t never breathe a word about me to no one, if you want that little brat to stay safe!”

I had taken her seriously, you would too if you had seen how she looked. I had gone away to Shana-Sherin, had studied hard for seventeen years, had worked with Brian for the next three and had never gone back. I had kept in touch with the family, had known they were all safe and well and as long as I stayed away and kept quiet they would all go on being just that.

And then this thing about the naming ceremony had come up and I had tried and tried my hardest to get out of it, but in the end, there was just no dodging it. And anyway, L had been right. I could not run away for the rest of my life. So I had gone. And now here she was, looking at me and I was more frightened than I had ever been.

Twenty years had changed Siennella sadly. She was thin and worn, her face was lined, her hands rough. The once beautiful hair hung in lank tresses down her back. Only her eyes were unchanged and that mocking smile curled a mouth which had become set in bitter lines.

“Think you’re going home, young Bertie? And no worse harm done than a bit of muck on your fancy clothes?” she said quietly. I stood frozen to the spot and said nothing. There was really nothing to say.

“You think you know such a lot, Bertie,” She went on, curling her lip, “You know everything about everything, you do. I bet you don’t know what’ it’s like to live in a cube with no curtain what always smells of muck, to never see nothing but this stinking place and no one but screaming brats and a lep who never says nothing to you but where’s me dinner, shut them zblert lings up and come here, Fem!”

I just shook my head. It was no use telling her that if she had kept the rules her life would have been very different. It would only have made things worse.

“Just look at you,” she went on savagely, “No end of a dandy now, all that human fancy gear! I was sorry I hadn’t brought more muck with me than I did, that day! But I got them Shana-Sherin duds! You won’t never wear them again! And it don’t matter anyway. Where you’re going you won’t need them fancy clothes no more.”

I had started to shake with fear, she saw it and grinned broadly.

“I told you not to come back here, Bertie. If you thought twenty years would make any difference to how I felt, you was wrong. I’ve waited a long time, but they do say good things comes to those who wait, don’t they?”

“You can’t kill me.” I had lost my head and started to babble. “Nobody has been murdered in this colony for I don’t know how many years, you’ll never get away with it. Anyway, if you are under a black star you are being monitored, they would see you perform a dark spell.”

I did not really expect this to stop her, I suppose I was just stalling for time, I do not know really. Anyway, she only laughed softly.

“I ain’t stupid, Bertie. Who said anything about killing you. I ain’t going to kill you, that’d be far too easy for you! I’m just going to freeze you and hide you somewhere nice and snug, where no one will ever find you. I’m afraid you’re going to find the next thousand years or so terrible boring, with only the bees, birds and bugs for company, but then, I did tell you never to come back here, you should have listened!”

When I have thought of this moment during this past week, I have often wondered, if I had had time, what I would have done. Would I have used the hand against her? Or just zapped away when I was not in the designated place? No, I do not think I could have done either of those, certainly not the first! Maybe the second? I certainly did want to get away, but I do not know and in any event the question is academic because I had no time to answer, move or anything, because before I knew what had happened, an icy coldness had come over me and I could neither move nor speak. I had been frozen where I stood.

I could hear, see, smell and feel. Luckily my mouth was closed, so there was no danger of things getting into it. I had fallen flat down in the moment after being frozen and I could feel Nel dragging me deeper into the scrubby bushes and very uncomfortable it was indeed!

“I’ll just leave you there for now, young Bertie,” She almost cooed, “I got to go and get the brats up and feed my old man, I’ll be back later to take you somewhere else, right away from here, so no one’ll find you.”

I just had time for a wave of absolute despair to wash over me, when I heard a very loud voice shouting:

“Siennella Natena, stand still in the name of the Helping Hand!”

This is the bit in my nightmares where I always start shouting. The bit I want most to forget. If things get a bit disjointed here, I am sorry.

The freezing spell suddenly fell off me and I jumped up. I came out of the bushes to see a posse of guards and Mella. She must have been keeping an eye on me from the outer doors to see if I had got away all right. I do not know what made her suspect something was wrong, I thought she had no memory of the thing which happened to her at three years old, but obviously something had struck her as wrong, because there she was, with a troop of crack soldier guards.

It all happened very fast. Nel tried to run. The guards soon surrounded her. As two caught her she managed to free one arm and a thing like a snake on fire shot out of her hand and straight at Mella, who was running in my direction. The snake bit her in the stomach. She crumpled to the ground. Oh my stars, my stars! If I live to be five hundred I will never forget that.

After that everything becomes a blur. Mella’s white face. Jockie, cold sober, coming and picking Mella up, saying he had to zap straight to the Healing Gardens with her and vanishing before I could ask a single question. Siennella, screaming curses at me and the guards as she was led away. Mum and Dad’s shocked tears as I told them the whole story.

We all had to go to the Handhold. There was a hearing convened at nine in the morning. I was in a sorry state by this time. I thought Mella must surely be dead and if she was, it was my fault. I should never, never have come back. I had to pull myself together and exert every ounce of self-control I had to go through the whole story again.

The Hold looked much the same as usual, except there was a kind of capsule in one corner, which looked as though it were made of black glass. Just the look of it made me shiver and I kept my eyes fixed on the table where the box was and at the people sitting behind the table.

The holder of the hand was there and also, to my total amazement, Yiolara Olivarna, looking older and more dignified, but she remembered me and smiled. When I had given an account of the morning’s happenings, the most difficult thing happened. I had known they would need to take a Meld. Not a light Meld that I would not notice, but a deep Meld so that I would live through the experience again. It was just as awful as I expected it would be.

When that was gone through I was thanked and asked to sit down, which I did, between Mum and Dad. They were still looking completely shell-shocked. WE listened while a senior guard told of how Amarella Alfardna had come running to a guards’ outpost and warned them that her brother was about to be abducted or assaulted by someone under a black star. Leps under a black star are randomly monitored and once the guards are aware of trouble they can monitor at a moment’s notice, so they were watching Siennella while she was still talking to me. They saw her perform the freezing spell while they were still too far away to prevent it, but they rescued me soon after. Then they told of what happened to Mella, which made everyone look very grave. They said that, on the last report they had heard, Mella was still alive, but that the unborn lepling could not be saved.

How can I put into words what I felt, what I am feeling still, when I heard this? Mella and Derry so wanted a big family. For a year and more they had been paying every grain they could lay hands on for herbal draughts from Ireland to get Mella well enough to have more younglings. If I had only held out and had not gone back to the colony everything would be all right. I know Mella well enough to think that she will not blame me for this, but that does not alter the fact that I blame myself and a part of me always will.

This story has gone on a long time, I am nearly done. The holder of the hand, Yiolara and a few other Handers talked quietly to each other and then the black glass of the capsule suddenly seemed to melt away and there was Siennella, I will not give her our childhood name anymore, sitting chained to a chair.

“Siennella Natena,” said the Handholder. “You have heard everything that is charged against you. Do you have anything to say in your own defense?”

“I’m sorry I got caught,” said Siennella, “And I would do it all again.”

The Handholder rose from her seat, stretched out her hand to the box and spoke for a few moments in a commanding tone. The box opened with a clatter and the hand almost sprang from it, in a gush of scent and brilliant light.

“Siennella Natena,” said the Handholder, still in that commanding tone, “You have shown yourself unfit to use the Helping Hand, therefore its help and protection is withdrawn from you from this day forward. You shall live out the rest of your life in the lockholes, where you can do no harm to any.”

I had heard of de-handing before, but had never heard of a de-handing in our colony since its founding. It happened very rarely indeed. Now I watched in horror as a tiny hand came out of Siennella near the place where her heart would have been. It floated through the air to the white hand in the box and we all stared at it. I remembered the hand with which the youngling PattiAnne had been endowed, a pure white hand made of light and air. This hand looked so different. White, yes, but smeared all over with black smuts which looked like soot, or ink.

“You have been contaminating the Helping Hand with dark spells that no Leprechaun ever had a right to know or use!” said the Handholder. She looked in disgust at the sullied hand. When it got to the pure white hand in the box it stopped, hovering above the fingers. Suddenly, the white fingers made a snatch, took the tiny hand and crushed it. There was a puff of grey vapour, then the hand made a gesture as if it shook something nasty from its fingers, before disappearing back into the box.

Then there was nothing but a shrunken, plain, dirty-faced lep fem, chained to a chair. You would never have believed she could have done so much harm. She was led away to the lockholes and Mum, Dad and I walked in silence back to our cube.

I stayed a little while, to see if we would hear anything more about Mella, but when no news came in and it was getting on for noon, Dad told me I had better get going. So I came away. I walked out of the colony, feeling so tired that I could hardly lift up my feet and so weighed down with guilt and sadness that I wondered if I would ever smile again.

And that is the whole story, from first to last. When I had finished telling it to Brian and L last night, my regular readers can imagine what kind of state I was in. just bleh! Brian and L took me back to my closet, Brian made me a cup of tea and L stayed with me till it came, not saying much. When I was calmer, Brian said:

“Bert, you’ve had an awful time and it is going to take you a while to get over it, so don’t expect everything to just suddenly get ok. But what we said to you last night still goes. Your position with us is not affected and quite honestly I don’t see why you ever thought it would be. None of what happened is your fault. You will come to see that in time.”

Brian is a very clever person, but, um. No. If I had not gone back… Oh well. No good thinking about that now.

“What do you want to do now, sweetie,” L asked.

“Go to sleep,” I said, misunderstanding her.

“no no,” she said. “I mean, would you like to go back home and be with your family while you wait for news of Mella? Or would it be possible for you to go to Ireland to be with her if you wanted to? Could we do something to help you make that possible?”

I have to say, I just gaped! Leave? Leave here again! Not. In. a zillion. Years! I said something like that, only as it had some of L’s choicest swear words in it, I will not write it down here. It set us off laughing, even me, as I never say words like that, I do not think I have ever said them before. It made me feel suddenly happy. I would have to, no, make that will have to live with the awful thing that happened for the rest of my life. I have some worrying times in front of me. But the most important thing is, everything is ok here, everything is ok with the family. Everything is ok with me and the top brass. Things could be a lot worse.

I came out of my closet for a while, came on Twitter, made us some cocoa and last night I slept without the usual nightmares.

I do not think they have gone away for good, but maybe I am over the worst of them now. Maybe telling the whole story and writing this will have done that much for me.

Well, my patient readers, I have spent most of the day writing this and I am tired out. If you have come this far, thank you very much. I now need a long nap, then to spend some time in the den, so I shall now leave this and go and do both things. Thanks for reading, I hope you have had a great day. See you tomorrow, it is Lair day. Woot, as L would say.

Smiles.

April 27

Hi everyone.

I only have time for a little scribble today, so sorry if this is short.

I have been rushed off my feet today, it is Lair day and I should have spent a lot of the day getting ready, only I spent a good chunk of the morning shut in my closet! I ask you!

I was really tired last night, so went to bed early. I went straight off to sleep, but I was rudely awakened by loud music and giggling coming from the den. Of course, it was the end of the working week,Brian and L were having a glass of wine and playing music. They never have more than two glasses, but it does make them, well no, it makes L terribly silly and if a song she likes comes on she sings her face off, enough to wake the dead, it is, never mind a poor tired lep!

Well, thank goodness they did not stay up late, so I was soon able to get some shut eye. I got up at six as usual, went through my usual morning routine, booted up Nia Netbook to see what’s what. I saw that I had some friend requests on my new Facebook account. I set it up last weekend, when I was deep in gloomsville, just for something to do really, I wondered if any of my human friends would like to connect with me there. Of course, I have a separate one for my family and that is well hidden, but if you look for Bert Hartgen you will find my Facebook for my human friends and I would love to see you there.

Well, once I’d seen to friend requests, I went over to my other Facebook and had a look at what’s what. Derry has been in Ireland with Mella and he apparently sent Mum a scroll to let her know that Mella is improving slowly. She will have to stay at the gardens for a while, we are not sure how long, but she will pull through, they think. The healers do not yet know if she will ever be able to have anymore younglings though. I cannot bear to think about that. Mella always said she wanted as many lings as Mum. Just ouch. Enough, I will not be gloomy, Mella is alive and that is a blessing.

I had yet another mail from Andi, they are getting desperate, decided I would need to take that particular bull by the horns. I had breakfast all ready for Brian and L when they got up, although I very nearly missed the train, because they were early! Anyway, while we were having coffee, I asked Brian about Andi and Gordy and whether they could come and stay. It would absolutely not be practical for them to be here, there just is not the room. But there is plenty of room at the Merseyside tomb. If we could install them there, I could zap back and forth to keep an eye on them and I would see they were no trouble, until they found a place of their own, which I would make sure was not too long in happening.

Brian thought about this for a while and then he agreed with only a question or two about how we were to feed them and practical things like that. Very soon everything was settled and I could hardly wait to get back to my closet and let Andi know that she and Gordy could set a date to run away. The big garden at the tomb would feed an army of leps and I would help with supplies if I needed to, I would be back and forth to help in any way I could, it would all work fine

I was just getting up to go when L asked a question which I still do not understand.

“Bert,” she said, “If Andelaine and Gordy can come to the Merseyside house, does that mean that if we give permission, other leps, leps that you know, say, can interact with us?”

I told her that it was possible, but that leps usually did not interact, as she puts it, with humans. I do not know why she wants to know such a thing. I did not have time to think about it, however. I rushed back to the closet and for the next hour or so Andi and I were on Facebook Chat, planning everything down to the last full stop! It is going to take Gordy a couple of weeks to get his stuff together and it will not do Andi any harm to wait a little while, so the great escape will happen the week after next and I will have my hands full, I can tell you!

When I had finished on Facebook I opened the door to leave my closet and would you believe it, I could not get out! They had done the old brick in front of the door trick! I found that a little note had been pushed under the door, saying that they were having an important meeting and it was a surprise and please would I not try to come out until they came and got me.

Well, I did not make a fuss, but a saint I am not, so I peeked through the crack in the door and I saw L’s Mum and Dad come, stars! I wish I could come out and meet them, they do look so nice! And then another man came, goodness only knows who he is! He had a big folder type thing under his arm, I do not know what all that is about! I could not see anymore, because that, that, L! She shut the door!

Well I just kicked my heels in here until they came and got me out and then my word! Did we ever have to rush to get things ready for the show! I only just had time to eat a bite of lunch before we went on air. I have to say though, it was a good show, I enjoyed it. Of course, I was in it, so that was probably why! Giggling here!

After the show, L’s head was hurting her, so she lay on the sofa and Brian and I went to the two desks, to let her get some peace, the room is very quiet now, just soft music playing and us two clicking. I said this was only a little scribble, but it is not that little, it is getting quite a big scribble, so I will stop for now.

I hope you have all had a good day, a special hello to my new Facebook and Twitter friends and thanks to all of you for reading.

Big smiles.

April 29

Hi, Everyone. This will be another scribble, I am afraid, I am really tired, it has been a really busy day, Brian and I have been looking after L, who has been really ill all day. She is better now, so I have time to write a line or two.

Now, something is going on and they are not telling me what and I do not like this at all, not one little tiny bit! It all started yesterday. It was a normal day, I got up late, in fact I way overslept and Madam was in a proper taking, because she wanted breakfast and for once was not feeling well enough to mess about in my kitchen and get it for herself. Well, I got her pancakes, but I noticed that all the time I was getting them, she was busily clicking on her computer. That is nothing new, she always is clicking about something or other, but I did notice that she was very careful to check that the lid of Janey, her laptop was down and any time I came anywhere near her, she stopped typing, so that I had no chance of even seeing which keys her fingers were touching, because she knows very well I can read upside down and I might have been able to see what words she was writing. This really annoyed me and made me curious. What on earth was she up to, I wondered and who was she writing to that was so important that I was not supposed to know?

Well, after breakfast and after I had done some clearing up, I got some lap time, it is absolutely ages since I had or even wanted any! It was really nice, even though L was not feeling at her best. WE had a game of ping pong and I won! Just yay! While that was happening, Brian had started in with the clicking and if I so much as looked his way he would stop immediately! Very. Strange!

At about one O’clock, L got ready and then she just went out. Without Brian, or me. That is just un-heard-of! She never does that! Brian seemed perfectly unconcerned, but I did not know what to think! And then, if you please, Brian said I had to go to my closet, because he had work to do. I said if it was audio production, could I not help, but he said no and please to not ask questions, he was rather busy!

Well, I have to say, I was a bit unsettled by all this. This is not the way Brian and L behave. I went to the closet, but I could not settle to anything at all. I ended up playing the radio and staring into space. L came back at just after four and get this! She told me to come out of the closet, because she needed it to morph, she had things to put in it. So I was bundled out of my comfort zone and I just sat on the sofa and gaped! L had bags with her, bags and bags of shopping, they were all tied up so that I could not see what was inside. When I asked if I could help her with them, she came over and gave me a hug.

“Bert, you must leave those bags absolutely alone and not ask me any more questions. I can’t tell you anything about this. Sorry, Sweetie.”

Well, what was one to make of that? I really felt rather hurt, in spite of the hug. I did the best I could, I made a nice dinner and we had our usual nice evening, but this thing just kept nagging at the back of my mind.

I do not know whether it was because I was stressed about what is going on here, or for some other reason, but I had another nightmare last night and woke up shivering. It was Brian who came and woke me up this time. He helped me pick up the bed covers and put things straight, brought me some tea and stayed while I drank it. WE talked about the old days when he was working for The Legend. I so remember that first morning when I turned up in his kitchen, so green and nervous! He was so shocked to see me there with my backpack and my scroll from Shana-Sherrin, explaining who I was and why I was there! Of course, he could have chosen not to keep me, lots of humans do turn their helpers away, but I am so so glad I was allowed to stay!

Well I dropped off to sleep eventually and woke up at about an hour after my usual time. I went through my usual morning routine and had a potter on Facebook to see what’s what. The news there is not brilliant. Apparently, Ikey got into a fight yesterday and the council are now questioning whether he’s fit to look after his brother and two sisters. They have warned him, but if he gets into anymore trouble, I think they will insist on the whole lot of them moving to Scotland with their Mother, or else Mig will have to come back here, she will really love that, not!

Derry sent me an Email, the news of Mella is not great either. She is improving slowly, but the loss of the youngling is hitting her very hard and that is hindering her recovery. Derry says she wants to see me. I do not know why on earth she would, since all this is my fault, but of course, if she wants me I will go. I told him to arrange it and once I know when I can see her, I will ask Brian and L, I am sure they will let me go.

Well, I came into the den to do breakfast and from then on I was very busy. L had one of her worst Migraines and for most of the rest of the day, Brian and I have been looking after her. She was a bit better in time for the Music Machine, so that was something, I know she did not want to miss hearing that. When Brian came off air we had dinner and for the rest of the evening we have been listening to music and those two have been busy with the clicking again and I have been passing the time the best way I can.

I really do not understand this at all. They know I would never tell their secrets in a thousand million years, so why are they keeping things from me? Are they going to let me go, get another lep to look after them, or what? That is silly! Surely not, after everything that has happened! But I cannot think of anything else that would make them keep so quiet about everything.

Oh well, it is no good sitting here wondering. It is time to make the cocoa. If anyone has any ideas, tweet them at me or something, because I am worried! I hope you have all had a good day. Thanks for reading, I will try and write more tomorrow, maybe I will know something by then.

Worried face.