January 2017

January 3

Introduction.

Hello! It's me, Bert, your friendly neighborhood, pointy-eared working leprechaun! Yes, it really is, I'm back!

Well, that statement might require a tiny bit of explanation to those of you who haven't known me for too long. Way way back in 2012 I started writing a journal. By a mixture of technical ineptitude and miscommunication it got published online, and it ended up getting to be popular beyond my wildest dreams. I mean, we're not talking viral here, but enough to turn my little old head anyway, and certainly enough to keep me journalizing into 2013. Except that year turned out to be a bit of a zlorg, as we leps would say, very bumpy indeed, though it did drasticly improve towards the end, and it culminated with me marrying my elfin girlfriend and being whisked off to an island in the middle of the south seas for our honeymoon with no internet, so I had neither the time nor the inclination to write my journal then.

When I got back, things started to go very pear-shaped very fast indeed, let's just draw a veil over 2014 shall we, it's a year I'd really rather forget. I'll just say that by the end of it I was single again, and determined to stay that way.

2015 found me with my nose pressed so hard to the grindstone that there were practically sparks flying off it! I was glad to be so busy helping my human employers, Brian and Lulu, who I call L for short, get their new business off the ground. It was like old times, working hard in the week, Sundays at home with the family. You'll hear all about my colorful, argumentative, dramatic family in due course, including my amazing Mum and Dad, and my adopted foundling daughter Cassie, and orphan from the old country, that's Ireland in case you're in any doubt, who I rescued one day and took under my protection, much to the family's horror at the time.

Last year, 2016, was starting out to be much the same as the one before, except that I had to have an operation on both my ears which necessitated a week's leave and a trip back to the old country, which both my humans and I found very hard, but I came back totally cured and with my ears better than they've been for some time. In the Autumn of 2016, life around here totally and completely changed when three became four. One day, L and I took one of the rides in the car that I've come to love so much, and we collected a little girl who was coming to live with us. Her name is DeLacey Elaine, although I call her Impy, as she is a complete little imp. I'd known about her coming for some time, and I was both jealous and furious. Furious because I knew that a lot of the work connected with her was going to fall on me. Looking after things and people around here is my job. To be fair, Brian and L are the absolute minimum of trouble, and if I didn't have other work to do for Brian I'd be sitting here twiddling my fingers a lot of the time. But a little girl of six? And why hadn't I been even consulted? It was unfair!

I was also jealous because L and I are very close friends. When I am not busy I like to be near to her, I sit beside her on the sofa or on her lap, we read together, play iPhone games, talk all the time, we've been like this for years. A little girl around would get in the way, take up L's time, demand her attention, take away my rightful place, how dare she!

Of course, the thought that I might actually like her had never entered my mind. Like her? How could I possibly like her! She was coming into my home, she was going to sit on my sofa, eat my food, breathe my air! Of course I wouldn't like her! You see what a lovely person I can be? ??

Well, then the car door opened and this delicate little figure was strapped into the seat beside me, and this pair of huge turquoise eyes looked straight into mine, and a confiding little hand took mine, and this sweet little voice asked: "Are you going to be my new brother?" and when I stammered something really inteligent and witty like: "eeeeyeerg, fink so." a little rosebud mouth gave me a slightly sticky kiss that smelled of cream doughnuts, and that was it, I was a lost lep!

Well, since then life has got a lot busier, a lot more hectic, a lot more interesting and a lot more colorful! And I was sitting here today thinking, if I started my journal again, I'd have something really interesting to write about again, apart from my work and the family's goings on, although there are plenty of those as usual, believe me! So, no promises, no guarantees, let's just give it a whirl and see where we go, shall we?

January 1.

Happy new year, dear journal, I missed you! And happy new year to anyone reading this!

This morning Bytes, that's our pet furry purple monster who came out of Brian's computer in the summer of 2013, woke me up as usual by licking my face. When he's here he sleeps on the bottom of my bed, and I always get wet kisses good morning. Actually these days Bytes isn't here more than four nights in seven. He's made friends with Aiden, a really good friend of Brian and L's, who in his own way is about as mischievous as Bytes is, and Bytes takes advantage of the fact that he can become a picture as well as a solid body so that he can move in cyberspace to spend a lot of time up north at Aiden's place. What they get up to I dread to think, but it keeps Bytes out from under our feet when we're really busy and makes him happy, so it's all cool.

Anyway, once Bytes had given me my morning ablutions and I'd groaned and pushed him off, I handed him my iPad so he could get some breakfast, he eats data, and went off to the bathroom to have a shower and try to wake up. I have to be careful, because if Impy hears me she's in there like a shot, and I like to get my shower in peace and quiet! Today I was lucky, and I had myself tidy, dressed, and my lovely comfy closet bedroom exactly how I like it by half-past six. Then I rescued my iPad from Bytes and logged into Facebook for the morning family round up.

I have two Facebook accounts. One you can find on my website, it's where my human friends are. The other is where my family are, and that one I keep ultra private. As soon as I got online I could tell there was a row going on! Oh stars! Someone had added me to a group chat and messages were flying all over the place like shrapnel. My heart sank, this was one mess I didn't want to be involved in.

If you've read any of my past journals you'll know my Uncle Arf. He was a lovely old lep who, at quite an advanced age, when his first wife died and after a decent interval, took a very much younger fem as his second wife, my Auntie Kitty. Their marriage had been blissfully happy and she'd been a very good wife indeed, producing a very large brood of leplings for him, including my two favorites, my lovely twin nieces Gem and Jewel. Now at the start of last year, Auntie Kitty, who isn't exactly young anymore, produced her nineteenth youngling and it was a difficult birthing and the youngling very delicate. The boy, Perrenor they called him, can't live anywhere near human polution of any kind, so our colony is no place for him, being in the east end of London. He was sent straight to the healing gardens in the old country to start with, and Auntie Kitty went too, to nurse him. When he was a few months old it was decided that he would go to the gardens of everlasting peace to live with the family there and be trained to work with them. Only Uncle Arf had to pay something for his keep.

I went to Uncle Arf at the time and asked if I could help out, but Uncle Arf's a stubborn one, and besides, he's made a lot of grains during his long life, although I'm ready to bet not as many as I have in the bank, anyway he wouldn't let me pay one single grain, even though little Perry's my nephew and I want the best for him too, after all, family's very precious to us leps.

Anyway, about three weeks ago we were all made very very sad when poor Uncle Arf, after blessing all our lives for a hundred years and more, set out for high country. We leps don't make wills like humans do, normally anything a lep leaves behind is divided equally between his or her close family. Only Uncle Arf had been to an advocate, that's the closest thing we have to a lawyer, and had made a letter of wishing. In it he had laid aside grains for Perrenor, so that his keep in the gardens of everlasting peace would be paid for till he is of age. Now among us that means until his thirtieth birthday, so that's a lot of grains, and leaves not too much for the others to share.

Well most of Uncle Arf's grown up leplings are fine about it. Only four of them aren't, and there's the zlenk of a row going on, and the four that want to take it to the lep colony council and fight to get the letter of wishing made unwritten are stirring up everyone else, including my sister Tulia, who really loves a nice row that she can get her teeth into. As for me, I'm staying out of it, but if they do unwrite the letter of wishing, I will have to do something about it. Little Perry didn't ask to be born delicate, and Uncle Arf's wishes are going to be respected, that's all I know.

I dodged the group chat, said a few hellos here and there, got my daily update from Mum on Cassie who was dying to see me apparently, that made two of us, and by that time it was getting late so I shut down the iPad and went to get breakfast. Impy is a health freak. No frosted, honey nut, marshmallow charm cereals for her, oh no! A bowl of disgustingly tough looking granola, a measure of organic natural yogurt, a sprinkle of fresh blueberries, a glass of fresh orange or apple juice to wash it all down and her little face lights up as if I'd offered her nectar and ambrosia! Brian, L and I had something much nicer. Pancakes for L and I, bacon and sausage for Brian.

Then it was our usual early Sunday morning, videos to edit before I zapped off to London. Yes, I can disappear from one place and appear in another, but I don't need a magic wand or the three dees, though I do need a map of where I'm going in my mind, and I also need to watch my weight. I do not need to ztrap myself. More about that later if I have time, this is getting long.

Once the videos were done, plus some other chores, I kissed Impy goodbye, waved to Brian and L, ran to my closet, grabbed my gorgeous new Armani coat which I'd been given for Christmas and zapped off to London.

The colony in which my family still lives is a huge, abandoned warehouse. It's freezing cold in winter and sweltering in summer. To new readers, if you want a really full description of it, have a look at the journal entries for April 2012, I had a lot more time to go into a lot more detail about it there. Here I'll say that there is one long, winding main thoroughfare which branches off into a multitude of narrow avenues and alleyways, and the cubes, made from anything we can salvage, in which we all live stretch from floor to ceiling, with the hundreds and hundreds of rope ladders giving access to them stretching every which way like a monkey's paradise. The place is never silent. The drone of the generators giving us the little power and sanitation we have, the pumping of the purifiers trying to keep the air breathable, talking, shouting, singing, lings crying, laughing, playing, hammering and sawing, something always needs mending, well, have you got any idea? AS for the smells, well I won't go there. Just think of some of the nice ones, cooking, brewing Zair, that's our alcoholic drink, greenery that's been gathered by foragers, and leave it at that.

My parents have a quite good sized cube, my Dad's a very good forager. It's mostly made of wood, not metal, so it's not too cold in winter, and it has a good stout curtain in front. We can't stretch to a door, well, only the very rich can. I reached it, as usual, at full pelt. Cassie got to me before I got there. She's nearly four now and can run like the wind and climb like a monkey. She gets more beautiful every day! I wasn't really concentrating, I was trying so hard to get to her, and I didn't see her coming. She hurled herself into my arms and sent us both sprawling!

"Zan, Zan, Zan!" she yelled at the top of her voice. I expect you can translate, but in case you're not sure, that's the lep for Dad or Daddy.

When we'd picked ourselves up and I'd had a good look at her we walked back, hand in hand, to Mum and Dad's. Cassie saw me installed in my favorite chair, with a big slice of Mum's apple cake and a mug of mint tea, before running off to play with some of her cousins.

I had rather hoped that the subject of Uncle Arf wasn't going to come up, but as soon as I came in I could see I was going to be out of luck. Mum was looking flushed and upset and Dad serious. I'd no sooner taken a sip of tea than Mum started in.

"Seen Facebook today, our Bert?"

"Well you know I have, I always do. What's all this then? The stuff about Uncle Arf?"

"Don't take that tone, our Bert." That was Dad. He was frowning at me, never a good sign. What on earth was up now, I wondered. "We wants to show you somefin. Now don't go flyin' up in the air when you sees this," he went on, "We knows what you're like."

"I won't fly up in the air." I said, starting to get nettled. "What's all this about."

"Look, Son," mum said, laying a hand on my arm, while Dad went across to the battered old tin box he used for a desk. "Arf knowed he was gettin' ready to set out for 'igh country's gate, and so 'e asked Alfie an' me to find 'im a good advocate, cos our Barty used to be one. Course, we didn't know, but we asked Barty's wife Minny, and she asked Barty and she told us someone to go to. So then Arf made the letter of wishin' and 'e give it us to keep, an' 'e give this to us for you."

"We couldn't show ya before, cos of Christmas an' you bein' busy wiv the yumans an' all that sort of stuff, so we're givin' it to ya now," Said dad, "Now for stars' sake, Bert, listen to what Arf says, just for once."

I took the letter, which was stuck down with tree gum, unsealed it and read, in Uncle Arf's spidery writing.

"Dear Bert.

"When you reads this I'll be in high country. I've writ a letter of wishing providing for young Perry. Now if I know my lings, most of them's going to listen to what I want, but there could be three or maybe for as wont. Mayhaps the counsil will stick to my wishes and mayhaps they wont I doesn't know. Now I knows you, young Bert, you're a good boy, allus was, and if they takes young Perry's grains away you'll jest start paying out your own. Bert, I doesn't want you to do that. This is my famly an it's there job to provide for Perry not yours. They got to learn repsponsbilty. I want you to promise, promise on the helping hand mind, that you wont intafear. I wish all the best in the werld for you Bert, you're a good boy like I said.

"Your loving uncle Arf."

I was crying by the time I'd finished the letter. I put it in my pocket, but I made no promises. I told Mum and Dad I'd think about it. I thought about it all afternoon as I made the rounds. I called on my favorite sister Mella, her husband Derry and their five gorgeous lings, on my brother Tovey, his wife Aprilina and my sister Laralita who lives with them. I stopped in at my nephew Ikey's, said hello to his lovely, and very much older wife Vee, and played for a while with the twins, Bertie and Bella, who are flourishing. I called in on my niece Andelaine and her husband Gordy, they have four lings now and Andy is expecting a fifth, well she says she thinks it's twins again. In short I had a lovely time, but that letter was burning a hole in my pocket.

When I got back here to what we call the lair, that is Brian and L's home, I got tea for us all. Brian and L were busy this evening, so I kept Lacey in the closet with me and we watched cartoons for a while, then I put her to bed. But I still can't get over thinking about the letter. I said Uncle Arf's wishes were to be respected. I hadn't been home then. But what about little Perry. If there's no money for his keep, what will happen to him. Would Uncle Arf really want me to stand by and let him get thrown out of the gardens of everlasting peace if I could do something to prevent it? I'll have to talk it over with Brian and L in the morning.

Well, that's enough journal entry for today, a really long one. Once more, a happy new year to you all, and thanks for reading if you've come this far.

Big smiles. ?

January 3.

And there I was, thinking today was just going to be a nice, quiet, normal day! I honestly should know better! Well, with Lacey around, not to mention Bytes, you can't really call life quiet. But I really didn't think anything much was going to happen today. Needless to say I was wrong!

Well I woke up at six this morning because Bytes had slept at home and so he was there to give me my good morning wash. Good little Bytes, I might moan about waking up with a wet face, but I do love that little monster, and I miss him like mad when he's not around. I handed him my iPad and got in the shower, everyone else was still fast asleep, so I had a lovely long, leisurely wallow. Then I got into my good jeans, my favorite white polo shirt with the eagle motif and my loafers. Bytes had finished his breakfast and was curled up asleep in my bed. He wasn't pleased when I hoiked him out of there so that I could make it, but transferred to the sofa with moderately good grace, and I was able to get the place tidy.

Somebody, a lovely new friend, was asking about the closet yesterday. This is a magical room which, if a human looks into it is normally taken for a coat closet in Brian and L's hall. However, it can morph into the most gorgeous, comfortable bed sitting room you ever did see. It was designed about eight years ago by my friend Hinky and his then girlfriend. Hinky used to work for L back then, and he needed somewhere both to sleep and to entertain his girl. I don't have nearly as much magic as elves do, but I can make the room morph and unmorph when I want it to, and I can make the odd change here and there.

It's a very cosy room, just big enough but not too big, with my soft bed set into its own wall alcove, a big comfortable sofa, my desk and a high-backed, comfortable leather swivel chair, lots of books, soft warm colors and unusual but pretty lighting. I'm a great fan of mood lights, lava lamps and so on, and I can never resist them if I see them online, I have lots of different ones and I love putting on my soft wave sounds whenever I'm in the room, and turning on a cube or a globe or a lamp and arranging some kind of special lighting effect or light show, I find it relaxing. There used to be a tv in here, a big one, Hinky was tv mad, but I've got rid of it as I never watch it myself, and Brian and L are strict about how much and what kind of TV Lacey is allowed to watch. She's only allowed to watch it from their computers or my iPad. The other thing I love about the closet, of course, is that all the furniture is built for someone of my size. Human furniture is always way too big or too high for me, and I have to climb or jump or hover up to it, which can get very wearing, especially at the end of a long day. But in my lovely comfy closet everything is tailor made for me and I can just be myself, kick off my shoes, pull on my robe, put on my waves and my lights and totally relax.

Well, once I'd dusted and tidied the place I curled up in the corner of the sofa with Imogen iPad and did my usual morning check in. Nothing much in the mail except the usual ream of junk from Hinky and Mum's daily message to let me know that Cassie is ok. I opened Facebook Messenger and said a few hellos. Dad's done his back in again. Someone had dropped a pumpkin in a supermarket car park last night and he was daft enough to try and pick it up, I ask you! You'd think he was old enough to know better! What was Mum meant to do with that? She'd have needed twenty of us with hacksaws to get through the shell! I swear to the stars his brains go on circuit jammed sometimes! I couldn't say that to Mum though, she gets so upset and flustered when Dad puts his back out. Well anyway, Kori, that's my sister-in-law for anyone who doesn't know, she's a wood sprite and a fantastically good healer, came over and did what she could for Dad, but he'll be laid out for at least a week, so Tovey will have to help with the foraging, like he doesn't have enough to do.

I chatted to Lina, that's Tovey's wife, she says there's a lot of frost fever about because one of the generators is down and there's even less heat in the colony than usual. I told her that if anyone looked the least peaky or sniffly to make as much nettle broth as she could and fill them up to the ears with it, and never mind how much they cried, that's what they used to do at Shana-Sherin, and it was colder than charity there every winter and we never got frost fever. I told her to tell all the family and the neighbours. She said she would. Hope she does, we don't want an epidemic of that, it would spread like wildfire!

Well, once I'd finished stirring the Zair with this one and that one it was well time to get Impy's breakfast. I had it all ready by the time she was up, so we started the day proper in good order. Hurray! Then she had her half hour of cartoons while Brian, L and I had our breakfast. All present and correct.

After that the day went on in the normal way days do. I got out Lacey's school iPad, her books, pencils and everything else she needed and got her started on her lessons. She is home schooled, which we all like. In some ways it makes life a little more difficult, but in other ways it's much nicer for us all. I notice a huge difference between the way Lacey is and the way the other girls of her age are. She's not backward, in fact in some ways she's way ahead of them, but there is a special something about her which sets her apart. I don't know, it's hard to put into words. Maybe you could call it lack of street smarts. She doesn't act like a mini grown up, like some of the other girls in her Rainbows pack do. Will she always be different? I don't think so. When she eventually goes to high school she'll grow up very quickly I think, but in the meantime she will have had these formative years with plenty of time to develop and grow up at her own pace.

When Lacey's morning lessons were done I made quick tomato soup for us all, it was a cold day, Lacey likes wholewheat crackers crumbled into hers and the rest of us had thick slices of bread and butter. We were just finishing our lunch when my phone rang. And the day suddenly went completely mad.

My phone does not, as a rule, ring. I keep it turned on, but usually I only get calls from Brian or L if I'm out, or from Mum if there's a problem with Cassie, or from another family member if there's some other kind of emergency. I answered it with trepidation. Something had gone pear-shaped somewhere.

"Bert?" There was a lot of noise in the background, including a youngling's loud and indignant wails, but I thought I recognised the voice.

"Gwen?"

"Yeah."

My sister Gwenice, colony healer, always rushed off her feet at this time of year, a fem of few words at the best of times, and if she was calling me there had to be a serious problem.

"What's up?" I asked.

"It's little Tancy Georgeolna. She's nearly dead of the frost fever." I knew her, a wistful little thing, not much older than Cassie, they played together a lot. I also knew Georgeol Ivorusan, he was never in work, always zaired, not worth a grain of dust!

"Where's Georgie?" I asked, guessing the answer."

"He's here, zaired squared." she said resignedly. "Can't get a word of sense out of him."

"What about the other lings?" I asked.

"Barbrie says they don't have it and I agree, but they all look peaked, and it's freezing in here and not a mite of food in the place."

"What can I do?" I asked.

"Listen Bert, I'm sorry to drop this on you, but can you bring that para stuff? You know I don't like using it, but at this stage we ain't got nothing to lose. I done everything I know and she'll be in high country before dark except for a miracle."

"I'm on it." I said. "Shall I bring food too?"

"Yeah, course. Bring anything you can. See ya." And with a click she'd gone.

As soon as I'd locked my phone I explained the alarm to Brian and L, who immediately gave me permission to go and deal with the crisis. True, Tancy and her family were not related to me, but in our leprechaun colony life is very precious and they knew I would not make this kind of request lightly. I hurried to get my coat and backpack, plus a few essential things from my closet.

First, I would probably need scrubbing brushes, cloths and a bottle of organic cleaning agent, I used several different ones. I had to be careful what I took as human detergents and chemicals could be dangerous to leps who weren't used to them. Then I would need bottled water and, most importantly, ordinary paracetamol. Once, in the direst of extremes, when my now ex wife Tealy had been suffering from a grievous illness, as a last and forlorn hope, we had dosed her with a quarter of a paracetamol tablet. This, against all the odds, had brought down a raging fever, giving her body time to rid itself of her infection. Since that time four years ago I had used this same tiny dose, or even smaller, to the same good effect. I never used it lightly, and only in absolute emergencies. Now I took the pill cutter which I had bought from a pharmaceutical website and cut one pill into eight tiny pieces. I put them into a tiny box and put that into my backpack. Then I went back into the den and looked around for what else I could take.

As it happened, there wasn't much, as we needed to shop and the cupboards and fridge were relatively empty. I had to be very careful in what I chose, as food additives could be very dangerous to leprechauns not used to them. In the end I settled on milk, honey, oatmeal which normally went to make up Lacey's granola, some dried fruit, a packet of loose leaf green tea, a little unsalted butter, a pack of fresh sliced cheese, a bag of washed salad leaves and a whole pound of fresh grapes, which I found nestling at the bottom of the fridge. I also found some red onions which made me smile with glee, those were going to be very useful!

Finally I was ready, I said a hurried goodbye and jogged off to my closet, closed the door behind me and, once that was done and the room set to morph back to coat closet once I'd gone, zapped off to London.

I arrived in the thick, scrubby patch of bushes outside the huge, sprawling abandoned warehouse on a street leading nowhere much in London's east end. Usually I'd come briskly out of the bushes and head for the heavy automatic doors which were guarded by two crack soldier guarders day and night. Not today though. Today I scouted around under the bushes and along the weed-encrusted verges beside the road. Winter it might be, but there were nettles everywhere. I had forgotten to bring any gloves. Stars, what an idiot, this was going to hurt like zlaan! Oh well! I picked armfulls of nettles until my hands were so blistered I couldn't feel anymore. I heard the outer doors open and, looking up, saw Gwenice coming out to see where I'd got to.

"Oh there you are, our Bert," She snapped, "I thought ... Moon above! What you doing?"

My eyes were full of tears of pain, but I blinked them away.

"Give me a hand," I said, "We'll need these, and more. Come on, let's get to Georgie's, no time to lose."

You can't run in our colony. The main thoroughfare is always so crowded with leps pushing, shoving, carrying all kinds of things, stopping to gossip, picking up stuff they've dropped, it's just impossible. Still, leps made way for us the best they could when they saw the healer and me in my obviously human coat. We got to Georgiol's wretched little metal hovel of a cube, deep in one of the poorest, narrowest alleys as fast as we could.

It was a pathetic place. There was no fire, just a small heap of cold ash in the tiny grate. Georgeol was lying on his back on a piece of foam rubber he'd obviously salvaged from somewhere or other, smiling up at the ceiling in a world of his own. Barbrie, his wife, was sitting in a straight-backed wooden chair with her eyes looking three times too big for her face. In her lap she held a bundle of what looked like rough sacking, old clothes, moth eaten blankets, anything that could give warmth, and from that peeped a little flushed face.

"Any change, Barbrie? Where's the other lings?" Gwen's voice, normally so brusque, sounded unusually gentle.

"I sent 'em over me sister Brancy's place. She got a fire at least. Nah, poor little zalk ain't no different. She can see a better place to be! Precious little to stay 'ere for is there?" The hopelessness in Barbrie's voice made my eyes fill, then I felt furious. I wished I had some elf magic, I'd have made a roaring fire blaze in that bare grate! Instead I went over to Georgiol and kicked him hard in the ribs. Now my loafers are solid, let me tell you, they have reinforced toes so a kick from them is a kick to remember! The first time only made that useless zaired lump grunt a bit, but by the time I'd done it five times, in various different places, he was well awake and he really didn't want me to do it anymore, especially as my next target would have been particularly painful. I'm sure I don't have to spell it out. Giggling.

"Ah, you're with us again are you, you useless, worthless, hopeless lump of rat droppings?" I said brightly, as he staggered to his feet, giving me a belligerent glare. "Well good. It might interest you to know that while you've been spending all your grains on Zair your daughter has been nearly dying of frost fever, your other lings are starving and freezing to death and your wife's wearing herself out trying to take care of everyone without any help. Proud of yourself are you?"

He muttered something which sounded like "Well I done me best." and hung his head.

"Well go and do your best some more, and do it better this time." I said. "zap out of here, no, don't bother with the bushes, just go from here, it's an emergency, go to the colony stores and get me some wood, we need a fire. Tell my brother Tovey that Bert says it's very urgent. And listen, Georgeol, if you're not back here in five minutes with that wood, five minutes mind, I'll find you and I'll get you up before the council for family neglect and you'll be thrown in the locking halls for so long that you'll forget what Zair tastes like! Now get going!"

My threat had the required effect, the next minute Georgeol had zapped out. Gwenice hurried to the piece of recently vacated foam rubber. It was none too clean, but once we'd turned it over it proved better and would, at any rate, be more comfortable than Barbrie's lap. We laid Tancy down, raised her head a bit so she could breathe better and covered her as loosely but warmly as we could. Then I reached for my bottle of water and a tiny dose of paracetamol. I poured water into a medicine glass I'd brought with me, and we soon had Tancy dosed. After that I gave her more water to drink, her lips were very dry, and we left her to rest.

More than five minutes had passed by this time, and I was beginning to think Georgiol had decamped for good, when there was the sound of a double zapping in and he arrived, bringing not only the wood but a bucket of clean water with him and also my brother Tovey, looking very grave.

"Now our Bert, oh, all right our Gwen?" he said, giving each of us a quick smile. "What's going on? This useless 'erbert turns up at the office babblin' about 'ow I 'ad to give 'im wood or you'd 'ave 'im locked up. When I asked 'im for the grains 'e started blubberin' about 'is sick ling and sumfin about 'e didn't want to lose the crown jools! I fink 'e's touched in the ed!"

"Yeah," I agreed, with an inward giggle, "Must be. But we do need the wood, and the water's going to help too. I'll bring the grains over on Sunday, and you might tell stores to let Barbrie have anything else she needs on account and I'll settle up, ok? This one's spent all the ration money on Zair."

Tovey smiled, nodded, touched Barbrie on the shoulder and went back to work.

For that time, there was no more for Gwenice to do. I gave her the little box with the rest of the paracetamol in it, saying that Tancy could have two more doses that day at six hour intervals if she needed them, and to let me know how things got on. When Gwen had gone on her way there was plenty to keep me busy though.

With that very welcome bucket of water, my cloths, scrub brushes and my organic cleaning agent, I scoured that cube from top to bottom till it was cleaner than it had probably ever been. Then I got as good a fire as I could going in that miserable little grate. It wasn't nearly as much of a one as I'd have liked, but it would have to do, and at least I could boil a kettle and get something hot for the lings to eat with its help.

I sent Barbrie down for more water, and when it came back I boiled a kettle, which took forever on that meagre fire, and made a big pot of green tea, setting it on the hob to keep hot. The smell of it filled the cube and Barbrie's nose twitched. Real honest tea is an unheard-of delicacy to we leps, we mostly make it from whatever herbs or leaves we can forage. I felt a nice warm fuzzy glow as I gave a big cup of real tea to Barbrie, I bet she'd never tasted anything like it, poor little fem.

By the time she'd finished it and walked down a few alleys to fetch the lings, probably stopping for a gossip with her sister, I had a pot of oatmeal simmering over the fire, and when the lings came back I spooned it into their rough wooden bowls, drizzled on honey with a liberal hand and sprinkled on dried cranberries and crystalized pineapple till it looked like the bowls were studded with red and yellow jewels.

I'll freely confess that I hate oatmeal. It looked all right, but it could have been wallpaper paste for all I know! Be that as it may, it certainly vanished fast enough! Those bowls were practically spotless by the time they were handed back to me. I gave Barbrie the cheese, the salad leaves and the grapes to put in her stores for later and said goodbye, taking the rest of my things, including my huge bunch of nettles, away with me. I didn't know if the paracetamol would work, but it felt nice to leave a clean, warm cube and smiling faces behind me. Georgiol had gone when Tovey did, I didn't know what had happened to him and at that particular moment I didn't care.

My last port of call was at Mum's. There was something important I needed to do, I couldn't do it over the tiny fire at Barbrie's place, and if we weren't to have an epidemic of frost fever it needed doing now. When I burst into Mum's I did get some surprised looks! Cassie would have known I was close by of course, but she wasn't there, during the day she was usually out playing somewhere with her cousins.

Quickly I explained to Mum and Dad what I needed and why. They both looked very serious and nodded their agreement. Mum went over to our lovely wood-burning stove. Dad had built it of salvaged bricks, long before I was born. He opened the front and began stoking it up with wood till the fire was roaring hot. Mum moved any pots she had off the top so I could have the whole cooking surface for what I needed, and got out the largest pans she had, including the huge pot for brewing Zair. Then I went to Mum's water barrel and began to wash the nettles I'd brought. We have a lot of mod cons in our cube that lots of leps don't have. When Mum and Dad fetch water they can put it in the water barrel, this is really half a barrel, it sort of acts like a sink, you can use it to wash your hands or vegetables or whatever. When you've finished with the water you pull out the bung at the bottom and the water drains away into one of the colony's sanitation pits. We're lucky to have it. Of course it's not like turning a tap on and getting clean water whenever you want, you still have to go to the pump and fill a bucket, but it's better than what a lot of people have, just one bucket that's used for stars know what. Anyway, I got the nettles washed, Mum had to fetch several waters for me because they were mucky. Then came the nasty bit.

I got Mum's big cutting knife and chopped the nettles up into chunky pieces, and then cut up the onions I'd brought. By this time my eyes were stinging, my hands were stinging and I wished I were home! But I thought of frost fever and went on. I melted a blob of butter in the pots, just a tiny blob, leps mustn't eat too much fat, but frying at this stage makes this whole thing taste better. I fried the onions and added the nettles, covered the pots and let everything sweat. Then I added water, wished I had vegetable stock, made do with some of our precious ration of foraged rock salt instead, and let everything come to a gentle simmer.

Let me tell you, wild lep food is pungent food. wild garlic hedgerow stew, wild onion bread, laurel pie, fricassee of mistletoe pearls and bayberries, wild food really smells green and wild! But there is little more pungent than winter nettle soup! Before long it seemed like the air was solid with the reek of it! Dad, prone on his back in the big swing bed, asked if we could find a gas mask. The grandlings who had been watching me work coughed convulsively and ran out into the alley to play, but even there they couldn't escape. Neighbors looked in to ask what the blue typhoon we were making, was I trying to poison everyone?

After two hours' simmering it was ready, sieved through Dad's Zair strainer, which he said would never recover, a thin, green, noxious broth which I poured back into the pots to get hot.

"Right. I said. "Now see this little ladle?" I showed them the one I meant, it might have held about a quarter cup measure in the human world. "I want you to dose everyone of the lings with a ladle of soup that size. Every one. Mind you," I went on, "The more you can get into them the more good it'll do, but it's nasty stuff and no one likes it. At Shana-Sherin we were all given about that much every winter when it got cold and we never had frost fever, not once. If anyone is looking as if they might be sickening, make the soup like you saw me do and fill them up to the ears with it."

My parents looked at me speechlessly for a few minutes.

"We're goin' to 'ave Flanagan's fair of a time gettin' that into 'em, our Bert," said Dad.

"I know Dad," I said, "But we can't have frost fever getting loose, honest we can't, it's lethal. Spread the word will you, tell Kori and gwen, they'll help. I really must get back now, it's getting so late! Oh, and Mum, Dad, take a dose of that yourselves. Frost fever preys on the old as well as leplings."

Bless my Mum and Dad! They looked as if they'd both rather fight a wild mooncat, but they bravely held their noses and swallowed the hot broth. I hugged them both and left Mum rounding up loudly protesting grandlings, and Dad writing Emails, spreading the word to the family.

My feet felt like they were weighted in led! I slowly made my way down to the doors, nodded to the guarders, slowly went into the bushes and made sure I was out of anyone's sight before zapping out for home.

When I zapped into my closet, the first thing I noticed was a truly delicious smell! Pizza! I threw off my coat and shoes and erupted out of the door. There were Brian, L and Lacey all sitting on the sofa eating dinner, lovely delumptious pizza, and mine was in a low oven keeping hot. Oh, I love my family and I care deeply about my colony, but my stars, how happy, happy, happy I was to be home!

And there you are, another day in the mad life of me. I'm exhausted, again. Early bed tonight. I really hope tomorrow is just quiet and normal. Whatever that is! Nighty nightlingtons. Big smiles.

January 4

Stars! You'll never guess what happened last night! It was just after I'd finished writing my yesterday's entry. Brian had finished work and he and L were both just sitting in the den reading books. I was curled up in between them on the sofa as I often am, playing Bejeweled on Imogen. I was just racking up a really good score when I heard someone banging on our outer door. I wasn't really noticing, but when Brian went to see what the matter was, the moment the door opened my nose began to twitch. The outer hall was full of smoke!

It seemed the next door flat to ours had a small fire in the kitchen, we were being warned to be ready to evacuate if necessary. Thank the moon Impy wasn't in at the time, she had been picked up by Mrs Morgan and was having tea with Nikeya and her brothers and sisters before going with Nikeya to Rainbows. (Note to self, we'll need to have Nikeya over here on her own one Tuesday, haven't done that yet and she likes my bean stew.)

Anyway, I had to get my coat and shoes on double quick smart, help Brian get L's wheelchair unfolded while L got her coat on, then we all waited. It was a horrible moment, wondering if everything was going to be ok.

You're not supposed to get attached to what some people sneeringly call material posessions, but as I thought of all the little things in my lovely comfy closet that might get damaged by smoke or fire, my stomach tied itself into knots. Even the little polished jack in the box that L's friend Linda had sent me for Christmas, with its cute little porcelaine clown, I'd come to have an attachment for it now. I loved the way it looked, and the way it always made me jump, even though I knew the clown would always spring out at me when I opened it. It reminded me of that happy first Christmas day with Lacey, how I'd leapt fifteen feet when it first jumped out, how I'd loved seeing Lacey's face light up with joy at all her gifts, how I'd cried my eyes out when I'd opened my lovely thick new Armani coat. I didn't want to lose it, nor any of my things.

But it was ok. The fire brigade came in time, put out the fire and we didn't even have to leave our flat. We just took off our coats and shoes and got on with our evening. Impy came home from Rainbows full of chatter and bubble, I had to make a cup of chamomile tea for her because she was bouncing off the ceiling, she'd never have got to sleep in that state. Apparently Skyler Harris didn't so much as look at her. Good. OH of course, you don't know. Skyler harris is a big bully with all the inteligence of an ape. Well, that's what I think anyway. She also has the face of one. Again, just my opinion. But a month or so ago she and her cronies set on Lacey, who was new in Rainbows then, and pushed her over hard enough to cut all her face and her knees, little horrors. She, Lacey, had to be sent home in a taxi and poor Lacey didn't ever want to go back. It caused a fuss because Rainbows have a zero tolerance to bullying policy, so Skyler's wolfpack got into a lot of trouble. Brian and L really want Lacey to have friends her own age, so in the end we all persuaded her to give Rainbows another try, and it all worked out well because Lynwynn and the Pinxes took her under their wings, so she's a lot happier these days.

Well anyway. Lacey drank her tea, had her story and was finally in bed. I myself was in bed by nine-thirty and asleep by ten. What a day it had been!

Today had a shaky start. Bytes wasn't here, but I woke up in time, so I had a leisurely shower, made the bed and tidied the room up ok. I did my morning check in, a mail from Gwenice thanking me for my help yesterday. She said she'd given Tancy one more dose of paracetamol and then the fever broke, and the last time she'd been there her temperature was nearly normal. That's really good news. I had my usual mail from Mum, Cassie's fine, she's been dosed with nettle broth, though they had Flanagan's fair getting it into her and all the lings. Mum says they've got it into all the very young ones now and most of the family's seeing the sense and co-operating. The word's getting around and the whole colony's starting to reek of nettle broth! Apparently Dad's back's still bad and he's grumpy as zlaan about that and the smell! Oh well, can't have everything.

I got Impy up, breakfasted and settled with her cartoons and thought I was doing really well for time, so I thought I'd just see if Auntie Kitty was around, I knew she sometimes talked to the famly on Skype in the mornings and I wanted to have a word with her about this whole Perry thing. She was around, but she didn't want to talk about Perry, bless her, she wanted to talk about Uncle Arf. How good he was, how kind, how loving, what a good husband and father, how well he provided for them all, poor fem, she'd had no one who'd taken the time to just let her talk, let her cry. I was there for at least an hour, just listening to her wile she got it all off her chest.

By the time I got off Skype I wasn't on time anymore, I was late. L was up and I hadn't even started the coffee. Populare I was not!

Once I'd made up the time I'd lost, the day ran smoothely. I don't have any dramatic events to tell you about today. No zappings off to London, no family dramas beyond the ones you know about already. L developed a nasty Migraine mid-morning, so I was on duty to help her in the ways she needs whenever she's ill. Brian had a pile of jobs for me which have kept me busy all day long. Lacey's schooling needed to be kept an eye on. She's very good indeed actually, she rarely gets distracted, keeps her nose down to her iPad, books, pencils, crayons or whatever she's using. She hates maths but then who doesn't. There might be a lot of days like this in the year where nothing much happens, Perhaps I'll write in here then and perhaps I'll miss them out, we'll see.

When Lacey's lessons were done she had her ration of tv via Imogen iPad, and then a game with Charlie, Crystal and Boofy, her favorite toys. I didn't listen to it all, I was getting the dinner, but it had something to do with Lacey and Mr Charlie dear, he's a big cuddly baboon and Lacey's play husband, opening a restaurant. Only Crystal the mermaid and Boofy the cuddly dog, the two very under the thumb children of the Impy family, kept doing everything wrong and getting in the way. These games of Lacey's really amuse me, only one has to keep a very straight face or she stops playing at once. Sometimes, like I told you earlier, I get to join in the games and that's the best fun of all. It's nice, when you're grown up with a job, a family and loads of responsibilities, to be allowed to enter a child's make believe world.

Right well, that's about it. At the moment L's supervising Impy's bath, Brian's still working I think, anyway he's on the computer, and I'm doing this. I shall now stop and relax for a bit. This has been a good day on the whole. Let's follow it with a good night. Big smiles.

January 6

Here I am, I haven't deserted you! Only there really wasn't anything worth writing yesterday, absolutely normal. School for the imp, work for me, help get the meals, nothing going on at home beyond the usual. The kind of day I like. Actually L wasn't well yesterday so she spent most of it sleeping, so it was even quieter than usual.

Anyway, that was then, this is now. Today's been a ton of fun and I have some family news and a really nice juicy piece of goss for you!

Well, today started off the same as normal, woke up with a good morning kiss from Bytes, fed him, made the bed, tidied up, got in the shower and got my good Armani stuff on today because L had said she was taking me out with her. Of course, I knew this could change depending on how she was when she woke up, but I put my nice blue chinos, my lovely crisp white button down with the eagle motif and my blue sleeveless sweater on. It was really cold so I decided to wear my Armani boots, not the loafers. Yes I know, I'm designer name dropping, but if I can't gloat about L spoiling me with the designer clothes of my absolute zlenking dreams to you, journal, who can I gloat to? Anyway, the boots it was, lovely sheepskin lining, faux sheepskin I should say, keeping my toes warm and toasty. Combed through my hair, hmmm, it was looking a bit wild. Might have to get L to help tame it, she's good at that. All in all, Bert, I told myself in the mirror, you're looking too cool for nursery school today. Hottest thirty-eight-year-old toddler on the zlenking block, oh yeah! High fives! I stopped looking at myself, I could almost hear L singing that song she sings when I get a bit above myself, you know the one, I probably think this song is about me. Hmmm.

Well I rescued Imogen iPad from Bytes and had a look at my Email. Had a surprise. There was an Email from Auntie Kitty. She thanked me for our talk on Skype the other morning and asked if I'd come round and have tea at her cube on Sunday. Now I often do drop in there most weeks, drink a cuppa, say hi and play with the twins and young LolaLayna, they're all such little sweethearts, and I'm always glad if any of the older lings are around too. But this wasn't like that. This was a formal invitation. Auntie Kitty must have something on her mind, yeah, and I could just guess what. I wondered which way that particular cat was going to jump. She could tell me to do exactly what Uncle Arf said and no messing. But a mother is a mother, the magical imprint of a newborn lepling is very strong, zlaan, I should know! If it was cassie at risk I wouldn't care what anyone said or thought, I'd make sure she got the help she needed, no matter what. Hmm. Sunday was going to be very interesting, and it was a raindrop to a thunderstorm that I was going to end up more torn than ever. Still, I couldn't say no, so I Emailed back, accepting the invitation.

There was more in the mail. The usual ream of junk from Hinky, plus a note to let me know that Lintie and Lukey were doing well, Lintie, to my amazement was loving being a Mum and talking about having a big family. Hinky wasn't sounding sure about that. Lintie being Lintie though, I guessed she'd have her way. I wondered about getting official leave sometime this year and zapping over to see them. Might be a giggle.

There was a mail from Gwenice. She told me Tancy was absolutely and definitely on the mend, but the generator being down was really hitting the poor quarter of the colony hard. She asked if I could possibly bring more food on Sunday for her to give to the lings who might be sickening or not getting enough to eat. I sent her a mail straight back saying I'd do anything I could, but I'll have to think about this one. I can't take fresh stuff in there, it won't stay good. But I can't take anything processed or with additives in it, and I don't have much time to get anything.

I did a kersory check on Facebook, no one much on Messenger except Mum. Dad's still suffering with his back, she suggested I bring peanuts in the shell, but I wouldn't have thought there was much goodness in those. I had a quick look at my news feed, as I had a few minutes to spare, and I saw a picture that nearly made me fall off the sofa! It had been taken by Olivard, that's Tulia's oldest boy. It was a picture of a cube building, salvaged wood and sheet metal all over the place, the cube was being built from scratch right down near the far end, quite a bit away from where Olivard and his family live. Anyway the thing was, quite a lot of my brothers were there, Tovey and Kas, a good few of the others, and Olivard's Dad Shay was in the picture. With his arm very proprietorially around the waste of a plump, rosy-cheeked little blonde fem. What in the name of the stars?

Now for those of you that don't know, my sister Tulia is not a nice fem at all, in fact she caused a lot of trouble for me back in 2013 and nearly got both me and Cassie thrown out of the colony. When Shay, who's a nice lep, heard what she'd been up to, he took a sledge hammer to her phone, and their computer, and since then, from what Mum tells me, they've been living more or less separate lives. But they stayed together, they've got seven lings after all. So what is he doing helping to build a cube right down the far end, and why were half the family there and haven't said a thing about it? And what in the name of the stars are Mum and Dad going to say when they hear! Well they won't hear it from me, but Olivard couldn't have spread it much further if he'd put it on the Colony notice board. Or perhaps he didn't mean to post that picture, I don't know. Anyway, batton the hatches and watch out for storms!

Well after all that it was high time for me to get the imp up and give her breakfast, settle her down with her cartoons and get breakfast for Brian, L and myself. That all went without a hitch, except the imp was tending to be whiney because I was going out and she had to stay in and do her lessons. I got her settled at the big table and stayed with her for the first half hour or so while L went to get ready. Then I got into my gorgeous new Christmas coat and waited.

Getting to go out with L is always really cool, but I've got to be so careful! I've got to remember to not start talking, or to reach out and hand her something she's looking for, or to not just jump off her lap and walk wherever I want to go. I've got to stay ultra still and ultra quiet, and not mind her carrying me. Actually that's the bit I like best of all, that and riding on her lap in her chair.

Today we went to a big store and bought a new car seat, can you imagine the indignity, a car seat for me! Actually, it isn't like the ones tiny little babies have, it's a cool one, kind of like a mini armchair with a really cool high back and arms, and a harness just my size, no more silly car seatbelt going over my face and I can't put my hand out and push it away! I was terrified it was going to have cartoon characters or something babyish on it, but no, it's plain black, like Brian's office chair. It's cool, I approve.

After that we went into L's hair salon and I got to see her having the pink flashes put in her hair, that was cool too, I never knew how they did that, and the man who L says is always asking about me came over and looked at me and asked loads of questions and I was so dying to talk to him and only just managed not to! He says I can go back whenever I want, how cool is that!

After that we had to go up two flights of really steep stairs to the nails place and I had such a fright, L nearly fell and sent us both face first into the wet concrete steps. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, she kind of lost her balance slightly, but it was ok. The nail place was a bit boring, I just sat on Carly's lap and sneaked looks round when no one was looking, but there wasn't much to see.

After that we came home, but L says we'll go somewhere else, somewhere exciting next week. I hope the weather is better than today, it was raining all the time we were out, but thanks to my gorgeous coat I didn't get wet at all, not one speck of water anywhere on me.

When we got back I made Impy some lunch and told her all about what I'd done, and in the afternoon I had to get my nose down to the grindstone and do some work for Brian while L had a sleep.

And that's about where we've got to. I've just made dinner, Lacey's having her bath and in a bit I'll go and put her to bed. Oh yes, I did send Tovey a message asking him about that picture. he said, and I quote, "You keep that turned up nose out of things it doesn't have no business to be in, our Bert. You'll know when it's time and not before." Feh! Well that's me told and no mistake! Well he won't be able to fob our Mum off like that, I'll tell you that for nothing!

Oh well, we shall see what we shall see. Busy day tomorrow, so I'd better get a good night's sleep before the balloon goes up. Nighty nighty sleepums tighty! Big smiles!

January 10

My stars! It's been a busy time, and I'm still on call as L has one of her bad Migraines so I'm head cook and bottle washer around here until she's better, so likely to be called away at any moment, but I'm going to get hopelessly behind if I don't make a start and let you know what's been happening over these last few days.

So let' ssee, Saturday. Saturdays are always fairly busy because we have radio work to do, plus DeLacey's off school and likes me to be around as much as I can to play with her, or put cartoons on the iPad for her, or whatever she wants. She's really good in the week about letting me do work for Brian and getting her school work done, so on Saturdays I like to spoil her and play any kind of games she fancies.

Bytes had been away overnight, so I didn't get woken up with my usual wet face, just the bleep of the alarm instead. I could really have done with going back to sleep, but there was too much to do. I got up, made the bed, tidied the room, got into a shower and dressed in a leisure suit, no use in putting anything good on today, I'd probably end up rolling on the floor or stars know what. When I was ready I grabbed Imogen iPad and curled up in a corner of my sofa for the morning check in. There was the usual ream of junk mail from Hinky, that Hinkster might be a responsible family elf now, but his liking for bad jokes, true stories, animated pictures of glittery hearts and unicorns and, when he can get away with it, the odd picture of a scantily clad human lady seems to be as great as ever! I deleted it all with a sigh and almost missed the real Email, and what a nugget of news there was in it! Apparently, Lintie is podding again and they're both thrilled to pieces. Hinky says they're going to a repro-lab in the Atlanta Elfhold so Lintie can get a check up and make sure everything's ok.

I suppose I ought to explain just a little about the way elves normally have their young. Elves are not much on family life as a race. I learned this from my ex-wife. Normally, if a fem elf is unattached at the age of thirty, she goes to her local Repro-Lab where she is given a general anaesthetic and a small operation is performed. The result of this can be anything between four or eight eggs which are fertilised at the clinic and put into incubation, into what is called a pod. The elfin younglings grow to term, then are taken from their pod and put in another larger nursery pod with all the other elflings conceived on that particular day. Those are the elves they grow up with until they are sixteen years old. They rarely, if ever, get to see their parents. Usually, a thirty-year-old female elf takes her trip to the lab, stays there half an hour, then walks away having done her maternal duty to the elf-hold where she lives.

If an elf is married or has a life partner it is different. Things are allowed to happen naturally, but when an elf fem discovers she is with young she has two choices. She can carry the youngling herself, apparently hardly anyone ever does, or she can go to the lab and have it incubated for her there in its own single pod and collect it when it is ready to be born. Most elves think this a much safer, easier way to do things. Certainly my ex-wife would never have dreamed of carrying a youngling herself, except she never would have had any choice. Normally, an elf marrying outside its race would have been completely outcast, it was only my ex-wife's very special and secret job which made it acceptable, but a half elf child, they just call it a half, would never have been allowed near a repro-lab. I suppose if I have one thing to be grateful for in that whole, horrible mess, it was that Tealy, I don't know why I'm shying away from writing it, she had a name after all, didn't have to go through the ignominy of that. Or of a natural podding and birth, she would have hated it, and probably the youngling too. Oh stars, why am I thinking about this, I thought I was long over it. I suppose some things you never recover from. And speaking for myself, I would have really liked ... Oh stop it, Bert! I have Cassie, that's more, much more, than I ever thought I'd have. Now let's get on with this entry, for moon's sake!

I was telling you about Hinky and Lintie. Lintie's an unusual elf in lots of ways. She was brought up silk lined, her parents are stinking rich, but she didn't want to have anything to do with the light color, high class elves who were queuing up around the block for her attentions. She wanted someone real. Well, Hinky's about as real as you can get. Downright, cheeky, loyal to a fault, generous, warmhearted, impulsive, can be incredibly selfish but he'll stick by you through thick and thin. He is what he is and nothing will ever change him. Well, they've made a go of it, she gave up her luxurious life and they got a job with humans. When Lukey came along she took to motherhood and went natural all down the line. From what Hinky said she went to the lab in Atlanta for check ups and for the actual birth, but she wouldn't use magic or anything, she wanted to do it naturally, and I expect she'll be the same for this one,and good for her, I say!

I wrote back to Hink, congratulating them both. I also put forward my idea of zapping over for a few days to see them, saying if I was going to do it I'd better come sooner rather than later, before Lintie started getting tired, but if she felt it would be too much for her to let me know. I really hoped I could get to see them, I'd hardly done more than spend a few minutes with Lintie, and I hadn't seen Hink in years.

Well, I got the rest of my Email out of the way, nothing much else, just a mail from Mum to let me know Cassie was ok, Dad's back was getting better thank the stars, not much else. And still no mention of anything to do with Shay. Surely she'd seen that picture. Or had she somehow missed it. Stars knew what would happen when she found out, and too many of our lot knew about it for it to stay a secret for long, surely! Oh well, I wasn't going to open my mouth, that was for sure, I was doing like Tovey said, keeping strictly out of it.

I went on Facebook and said a few hellos here and there. Andi was feeling really run down with the new younglings, she was pretty sure it was twins again. Ikey had just been promoted and given a fifty grain a month raise, he wasn't saying much but Vee was so proud of him she was nearly bursting. Bless them, I thought, it's about time they had some luck. He was talking about going to visit his father in the locking halls and Vee was trying to dissuade him, but Ikey was adamant. I tended to agree with her. The best thing you can do with that idiot Tommo is to stay far far away from him. Even shut up in the locking halls he's poison.

By the time I'd got through on Facebook the imp was up and wanting her breakfast. I was still feeling pretty sluggish, but she was bouncing about with all the energy of a barrelful of monkeys! I gave her breakfast, settled her in with Saturday morning cartoons on the iPad and then got breakfast for Brian, L and myself. While we were eating I mentioned the idea of a few days' official leave to go and visit Hinky and Lintie. As I haven't taken a day's official leave in more than two years, Brian and L were absolutely fine about it and said a complete break would do me good.

Well, Saturday was bowling along in its usual nice way. I did a pile of work for Brian and L, then when we had all that finished I settled down to my favorite part, playing with the imp. We got out Mr Charlie the Ty Ballz Baboon, Crystal the Aurora cuddly mermaid and Boofy, the knitted cuddly dog. This is Lacey's family, and I absolutely love the games that she plays. Me, I'm there to provide any sound effects she needs, I have loads of them downloaded onto Imogen. I use an app that lets me crossfade them, overlap or layer them, raise and lower the volume, do whatever I need, so the sounds are as real as we can get them, given the limited little speakers on Imogen. I have to be on my toes, look and listen to see what direction she's going in so I know which sounds to play. I also usually have the recorder going, because these games make great videos for the Youtube channel, and miss Impy is getting to have quite a few fans out there.

Well, we were having this great breakfast and off to school and work routine, when all of a sudden my phone rang. As I've told you, this doesn't often happen. Oh zlaan, I thought, now what! I can't dash off to the colony today. I hope to the stars it isnt' Cassie! Well I answered.

"Hi, ya old imp!" said an all too familiar hoarse, drawly voice. "What's cookin'?" It was Hinky, calling all the way from Georgia!

"Hot dogs and fries!" I said, completing our old in joke for the zillionth time. "Hinky, you old son of a son of a beer barrel! How's it going, and what in the stars are you doing calling me all the way from Georgia?"

"Goin' good, ol' buddy, goin' real good!" I had to hold the phone away from my ear. The Hinkster seemed to be on top form, and his decibels were even higher than usual! "Aw dang, I got sick o' the mail, I jest wanted ter hear ya!" His voice bounced across the air as if he were in the next room.

"Well how fantastic is that!" I said.

"Listen, ya ol' imp," he said, taking no notice of me as usual, "it's 'bout you comin' over."

"Is it going to be no good, you know, with the new youngling and everything?" I said quickly, "I can..."

"Aw shut up, Bert!" he roared. "Good, it's more than good, it's blame merc'ry awesome! It's the best idea I heard all week!"

"Oh, well, er," I didn't know what to say, but that was no problem, as Hinky went ploughing right on.

"Listen, ol' buddy, I had me a word with the little Momma, an' she thinks it's awesome too, I mean you an' her hardly got to have more'n a couple words. Well it's thissa ways. She's not feelin' so hot right now, but she says next month that'll all be gone, so why doesn't ya come over then. Ya could come on Feb'ry the 'leventh, stay fer a week."

"Well, I, er, are you sure that won't be too long for her?" I asked faintly.

"Course I's sure, ya silly ol' imp!" I winced. "An' we thunk of somthin' else. We still got our place that Lintie's Mom and Pop bought us ya know, we never give that up. We bin workin' hard last two years, so we figure we'll take a week's leave too, go back to our place an' you can come there. We can show you around, take some trips, watch us some games, drink us severial beers an' then severial more, ya know how we used to, I tell ya, buddy, we's gonna have the best time ever!"

"Oh great," I said, trying not to sound as sick as I felt at the thought of severial beers, "That'll be great!"

"I reckon it'll be good for Lukey an' the little Momma too, he'll get to see his Gram an' Grampops, and Lintie'll get to rest up while you an' me hit the town. I tells ya, I can't wait!"

And that was Hinky. One minute he was bulldozing you, the next he made you remember why you'd just about do anything for him. We talked a bit more, until Lacey was getting restless, then we said goodbye, and I found I was really looking forward to February the eleventh!

The rest of Saturday went as usual. I got an early dinner for us all, then I took Lacey off to my closet for stories and more cartoons, then I bathed and put her to bed while Brian was busy doing his radio show. After he was finished we all joined up again for our evening music and catch up, and I mentioned Hinky's call.

"February 11," Said brian, "I'll put it in the calendar, and you'll stay for a week? That'll be fine."

"I hope you have a lovely time, sweetie." said L. "You'd better explain it to Lacey though, she won't be used to you being away."

I said I would, but I'd do it a bit nearer the time, no sense upsetting her routine before I had to. With that, we dispersed and went our separate ways, and that was another busy Saturday over.

I was woken on Sunday morning to a volley of agitated licks on my face and a pair of anxious pink eyes staring into mine. Bytes was making cranky, fretful noises.

"What's up, Bytes?" I groaned, still half asleep. For answer Bytes made the gesture that said he wanted the iPad, and a big tear trickled down his purple furry cheek. Yawning like a cavern I got out of bed and handed it to him. I hadn't noticed exactly when he'd got back from Aiden's last night, but I had registered his comforting weight, warming my toes on the end of my bed as I fell asleep. Something had evidently been preying on his mind all night.

Bytes waddled over to my little table, put the iPad down, then there was a shimmer, and instead of the solid, furry purple body, a picture of Bytes was on my iPad screen, covering all the icons of my home page. In a moment more it had shifted up to one corner and looping, scrawly writing began to appear.

"Bert going away?"

"No no," I said comfortingly, for the picture Bytes could hear me just fine, don't ask me how this works because I don't know. "I'm going on holiday to see my friend Hinky, but it's not for a month yet."

There was a pause while Bytes digested this.

"What a holiday?" finally wrote itself on the screen.

"Well, it's when you go away somewhere to have a change, a nice time, and then you come back. Like when you go to see Aiden for a few days, you have nice times there don't you?"

There was another pause. Then a series of little pictures began to draw themselves on the screen before being erased and replaced with the next one. A soda pop can. A purple furry thing chasing around with two other small furry things, might be dogs, I wasn't sure. A big bowl with something red inside, and the word "beans". The Bytes picture reappeared and rubbed his stomach, cooing.

"Wait a minute, you eat that?" I asked. "But I thought you only ate data!"

The Bytes picture rubbed his stomach again, opened his huge pink mouth very wide, there was a very big burp and a thoroughly evil giggle.

"Bytes get teef now and tung." an excited scribble.

"You did? But how?" I didn't think it was possible.

An even longer pause.

"I thinked them."

"Well," I said, returning to the main point, "You go on holiday to Aiden's. I'm going on holiday too, but I'll come back."

A very determined sentence in thick black. "Bytes come too."

"Now Bytes," I had to tread carefully here, "I can't take you too, you haven't been invited, you know I'll ..." I had said the wrong thing. The picture Bytes disappeared, the real Bytes reappeared, burst into a flood of tears, flung himself into my arms and wouldn't let go.

The noise brought Lacey in, and as it only went on getting louder, eventually Brian and L. In vain we tried to get him calmed down, but I wouldn't say I was taking him to Hinky's with me, I couldn't, the last time Hinky had seen Bytes he'd made it very clear he didnt' like him at all. I couldn't foist this extra unwanted guest on Hinky and Lintie, and I also couldn't let Bytes think he could get anything he wanted by yelling.

Well we tried everything, music, the iPad, cuddles from both Me, Lacey and L, nothing worked and Bytes was getting more and more hysterical. It wasn't just being naughty either, the last time I had been away from the lair I'd been away for a long time, more than a month, and nobody had known if or when I'd be able to return, Bytes thought if he let me go again the same thing would happen, he was only a baby after all. In the end it was Lacey who did the magic. She had run out of the room, I had thought that the crying had got too much for her, she hates to see anyone upset, she's so tenderhearted, bless her. But she came back in with a little bowl of her prized fresh blueberries, and one of those little cartons of apple juice that have a straw.

I was about to tell her that Bytes only ate data, when I suddenly remembered the drawings I'd seen, and held back till I saw what she would do. Bytes wasn't even looking at her. He was clinging on to me like a limpet, his mouth wide open, crying to break your heart, great big tears splashing out of his huge pink eyes, drenching his long, glittery purple lashes and running in rivulets all down his furry purple face. Lacey went right up to him and, before he knew quite what she was doing, popped a few blueberries into his mouth.

The howling broke off short as if someone had flipped a switch. The big pink eyes opened wider and wider and wider in comical surprise. the big mouth closed, opened, closed, opened. He was really and truly chewing, I'd never seen that before. Then, quick as a wink, that long thin arm went out towards the dish, but those fingers were meant to plug into computer jacks and USb ports, not to hold things, and the blueberries dropped to the floor and would have rolled if Lacey had not quickly picked them up and fed them into the huge maw that was getting ready for another howl.

Well after that I was able to get on with my morning in peace. Bytes really hadn't paid much attention to Lacey before, but now there he was, sat on her lap, his long arms wound tightly around her, while she fed him blueberries and wiped the smears from the corners of his mouth, then put the straw into the apple juice carton, carefully closed the pink lips around it and taught bytes, not without some mess, how to suck properly.

We were late, and I had a mort of things to do before I went home for the day. I got the imp's breakfast ready, but she said she'd have it when Bytes was all settled. I attended to Brian, L and myself, then, with Bytes still sitting on Lacey's lap and told to be very very quiet, we recorded the littel pieces we needed for Lacey's Sunday video. Only then, when everything was safely on the memory card, was I free.

I'd' be lying if I said I didn't feel a pang as I got ready to go home. Usually, if Bytes was around, he pattered anxiously about after me as I got my things together and we normally had a few tears as I left. Today he was in the den with Lacey and he didn't spare me a glance as I said goodbye and headed for the closet. Of course it was a good thing if he made friends with Lacey, I told myself, he could be a right handful at times, I had plenty to do without him needing to be looked after night and day. Let Lacey take him over if she wanted to, it would be good for her. But I remembered the times when I'd been sick or sad and he'd slept in my bed, the warm weight of him on my toes, the wet good morning kisses, the way he always ran to greet me when I'd been anywhere, and I couldn't help feeling a bit heavy hearted.

I'd been so busy with Bytes, and then getting breakfast and getting ready for my Sunday away that I had never even had time to turn on the iPad, so my Email and Facebook had gone completely unchecked that morning. I hoped to goodness that I hadn't missed anything important. It was a filthy wet day and I was very glad to get out from the bushes and into the colony, where it was at least dry.

The place was very much quieter than usual. With one generator down and an overnight drop in temperature, plus freezing cold rain falling outside, the colony was achingly cold inside, the kind of damp cold that seemed to go right down to your bones. I guessed that a lot of leps would be taking a sleep day. This, for those who don't know, is a leprechaun's strongest survival mechanism. If the ambient temperature gets too low, then a leprechaun, on going to sleep, will go into a kind of hybernation. It lasts only for twenty-four hours, as any longer may be dangerous, but a cold snap can mean that the poorest leps can end up taking one sleep day, one awake day, one sleep day and so on. This is very weakening to our constitutions and immune systems. I wondered, as I walked the half-empty thoroughfare, what on earth was the matter with the generator, how long it had been down, and what was being done to repair it.

There was no one sleeping in Mum and Dad's cube. It was packed almost to the rafters with leps trying to keep warm. Mum and Dad's stove is a real blessing in Winter, and I guessed that, with the generator down, the less well off members of the family would have had no choice but to go to Mum and Dad's for warmth.

All eyes turned to me when I arrived, or rather, to my backpack.

"Where is it, our Bert?" That was Dad, sounding gruff. "We was sorry to ask, but you can see what it's like."

"Oh stars!" I threw up my hands and shrugged. "There was a crisis this morning and I had no time to check my mail."

At this there was a general wail of disappointment.

"Oh stars, son!" Mum came forward, her good, kind face all screwed up with worry. "All the wood's wet outside, we can 'ardly find a dry twig, and ours in 'ere's nearly burnt. Everyone brought what food they could, but it's not enough. We need more or there's going to be real trouble. Mella's been goin' wivout to feed the lings, and so 'as Andi, an' Kori an' Lina, an' loads of 'em. If we can't feed 'em they'll go into willsleep!"

My heart turned cold at that awful word. Willsleep is worse than a sleep day. Willsleep is the leprechaun's last attempt to stay alive, the body closing down and trying to conserve itself until the weather gets warmer. Sometimes, if the reserves just aren't there, a lep doesn't survive Willsleep. When the green blight had struck the colony four years ago, I had lost too many loved ones to that terrible thing.

"Hold on." I said. "I'll go back to the humans and see what I can find. The thing is, we're not set up for this, you know I have to be careful what I can bring. So much of what they eat has things in it that are dangerous for us. And I can't just walk into one of their shops and buy stuff. I can order it but I have to have notice. All the same, I'll see what I can do."

I left the cube, pulled the curtain carefully across to keep out as much draft as I could and ran. Did I say you couldn't run in our colony? Well I was wrong. On Sunday you could. I thought frenziedly as I headed back to the zapping bushes. What could I take? I thought of Lacey's vegetables and salads, the things I used to cook her vegetarian meals. If I took every scrap we had it wouldn't be enough to feed all those leps, and then what was Lacey supposed to eat till we got more food in? Meat was out, pasta, rice, L's canned broth that she ate on her bad days, all no good. I zapped into my closet and ran towards the den.

L and Brian were at their computers, editing Lacey's video. Lacey was still holding Bytes. They were all amazed to see me. I explained the situation hurriedly as I scrabbled in cupboards and refrigerator. After a thorough search I came up with empty hands. We had had a really busy week and still really needed to shop. There was food for Lacey's dinner, we were expecting a delivery of groceries on Monday, we were going to eat take out pizza that night, but apart from the few things I would need for Lacey's meal the place was bare of anything I could safely take home.

I heard happy gurgling and chewing behind me and turned in annoyance. Then I gawped. The bowl which had once held a couple of handfuls of blueberries was now full to the brim with strawberries. Big, fat, lusciously ripe ones, with their leaves meticulously cut off in the way I always did them, and a thin coating of juice as if they had been mascerating in sugar and a touch of lemon juice for half an hour before being eaten. Except we had no strawberries, and even if we had, they wouldn't have looked like that, not at this time of year. Lacey was feeding them to a blissfully sticky Bytes, and putting a good few into her own mouth too, they were her favorite fruits.

"Lacey loo?" I said, "How in the stars did those get there?"

"Bytes made them." she said, as if it was the most ordinary thing in the world.

Bytes had lived with us for three years nearly, and he had never made anything appear before. But then, he had been a baby, perhaps he was growing up. All the same ...

"How did he make them?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "He'd eaten all the blueberries and drunk all the juice and he was getting noyed again, wondering where you'd gone. He runned around looking for you and started crying, so I took him up on my lap and told him about all the pretty things I'd give him to eat when they came ripe, like strawberries. He quieted then and looked at me, so I said about strawberries, what they was like, how wishus they was the way you did them, and I thinked about them, and the next minute Bytes giggled, and tried to get the bowl, so i looked, and there was strawberries in there!"

For a minute I didn't get it, then I remembered what he said when I asked how he got his teeth and tongue. He thinked them. I was just going to get up and go on searching for something I could take home, when suddenly I had a blinding idea. If Bytes could think strawberries, could he think other things? I knelt down beside him.

"Bytes," I said. "Is this a game you like playing? If I show you a thing, can you think it?"

He giggled and gave a little bounce on Lacey's lap.

"All right," I said. "You know I go away every Sunday, and I've told you I go home to see my family." another little bounce. "Today they are all cold and they have nothing to eat and some of them might get sick. Will you come and play your think game and help me to make them all better?"

I waited with my heart in my mouth. If he didn't understand, if he didn't want to do his think thing, if he would rather stay with Lacey and eat strawberries I didn't know what in the stars I was going to do.

Bytes gave one big jump off Lacey's lap, the bowl of strawberries went flying, he bounded out of the den to the outside door and waited there, bouncing up and down franticly.

"No bytes, no," I said, buttoning up my coat, kissing Lacey's cheek and waving to Brian and L, who had stayed quiet through all this. "We have to go this way, I have to take you my special way and Bytes mustn't be frightened, it's going to be all right."

I led him, still bouncing, into my closet. Then I picked him up in my arms and zapped with him back to the bushes outside the colony.

As I hurried back down to Mum and Dad's cube we collected fewer odd looks than you might have thought. Partly because there were fewer than usual leps to bother about us, partly because most leps thought I was terminally crazy, and wouldn't have been surprised at whatever I did. They took scant notice of the little purple creature pattering beside me, it's long pink arm entwined in mine.

When we got to Mum and Dad's cube though, that was a different matter. Mum has seen Bytes before, but no one else had.

"What in the name of the stars is the purple fing doin' 'ere?" Mum's face was almost white, and she sank into a chair. Everyone else was keeping well clear, or as clear as they could.

"Everyone, this is Bytes." I said. "Now this may not work, and if it doesn't I don't quite know what we'll do, because there's nothing at home that I could bring, we need to do shopping. But we've just discovered that Bytes can think things, and they come real. Don't look like that, our Joby, he is a magical creature after all. Now, everyone keep quiet and give him some room, and I'll see if we can make it work."

I went over to Mum's big bread board, picked it up and brought it over to Bytes, then I knelt in front of him and looked into his huge, pink eyes.

"Now Bytes," I said, "I'm going to send you a think, I want you to make it come on to this board, ok?" A bounce and a big smile.

I thought of Mum's bread. Made from the flour she ground from foraged grain, big, round, fat loaves, golden brown and crusty, slicing into them, the thick slices with their crisp crust and their nutty, mealy crumb, tasting like a summer cornfield. I pictured the board covered with loaves of bread till I could almost taste it. You could have heard a dewdrop fall in the room, and all the time Bytes looked solemnly at me.

Suddenly there was a gasp of astonishment and a sweet babyish giggle. I dropped my eyes. The board was full of loaves, there must have been a dozen of them. Mum got down on her knees and hugged Bytes, kissing him all over his face till he laughed and hugged her back. They were friends from that moment on. Tovey picked up the breadboard and Lina began cutting slices and handing them round.

But we weren't finished yet, oh no, not by a long way. Bytes was having a great time and wanted to play again. One of Mella's lings, I think it might have been Jemmy, had the idea of the yellow cheese they'd had at our parties. I pictured huge blocks of yellow cheddar, Bytes giggled and the next minute it was being cut up and devoured. After that it really became a kind of game. Bytes would look at someone, go over and touch him or her, they'd suggest a thing to think of. I always did the sending, because Bytes knew me best and he was a bit shy of the others actually sending him thinks, but whatever they wanted, he'd think. Rose cake? Easy peasy! Peanuts in the shell? We aim to please! Even violet roll, that one took a while, because I had to carefully think its shape, color and complexity of flavor, but he got it dead right and produced not one but four, amid oohs and ahs of amazement.

What had started as a bleak huddling together for warmth had become a party. I had expected Bytes to become tired or fretful, but the more things he thought of, the more hugs, kisses, squeezes of the hands and arms, strokes of his fur he got, the more he seemed to revel in all this new friendship and attention. Before long he was surrounded by lings stroking him, feeding him titbits, making such a fuss of him that I thought there'd be no living with him after this!

It was Dad who brought us all down to earth.

"This is all very zlenkin' well, our Bert," he said quietly. I happened to be near the swing bed, where he was lying, his back still not being good enough for him to be up. "Food's food, an' the lings love cake an' yuman cheese and nuts an all, but it'd 'ave been more to the point if you'd brung some wood, an' veg to make soup for us all, not your purple friend wiv 'is party tricks."

I turned away without speaking, looking over the cube. Everyone had something to eat, but Dad was right. It wasn't anything that was going to keep them warm, or protect them from sleep days. They all needed hot food, not cakes, and where were they to get any when the stove was practically out. I went over to Bytes and extracated him from the mob of lings which surrounded him.

"You can go back to the games in a minute, but I need you to do some special thinks for me," I said. "This one isn't things to eat, but it's very important, so will you do it?" A bounce.

I took him over to the almost empty woodpile. I showed it to him, then looked at him and thought of it when it was full, absolutely piled as high as it could go with nice, dry, seasoned split wood. There was such a long pause I thought it wasn't going to work, but then there was a kind of questioning coo, and when I looked up, there was the woodpile, full to the top. I hugged him gratefully, opened the stove, raked out the ashes from the bottom, and carefully added more wood to the few glowing charcoals on top. At first everyone was so busy talking and eating that nobody noticed what I was doing, but as the wood caught, the flames flickered, the stove roared and the cube grew blissfully warm everyone began to take off mittens, gloves, hats, shawls, capes and rub their hands gratefully. Over on the bed, Dad looked at me and nodded.

"One more thing," I said to Bytes, "Then you can go back and play." Bytes bounced up to me. I went across to Mum's makeshift vegetable rack and showed it to Bytes. Then I thought of it full. I thought of onions, carrots, turnips, leeks, winter cabbage, parsnips, potatoes, the kind of vegetables we leps are lucky to see once a year or less, that are dangerous to forage, far too expensive to buy when colony stores have them. But they are far more nourishing than wild food. I was careful not to think of them as L or I might buy them, in packs from the supermarket, but freshly dug, with their green tops still on, smelling of the earth, organic and safe for leps to eat. My reward was a disgusted snort rather than a giggle, but the smell of the outdoors inside told me Bytes had done his best, and when I looked, the vegetable rack was overflowing with enough food to make winter stew for half the colony.

In a twinkling, Tovey, Kas, Joby and some of the older lings went off to the pump to fill kettles. Dad's big Zair pot was out, and so were three more of the largest we had. Mum, Andi, Kori, Mella, Lina, Krystalia and several more began washing vegetables in the barrel, while some of the boys fetched water from the pump in relays of buckets. Some of the lings began peeling a mountain of onions. In no time, the party had become a hive of activity.

I regretfully had to leave them all to it. Time was getting on, and I had an appointment to keep. I decided I'd better take Bytes with me, as if he suddenly missed me in this strange place stars knew what might happen. So I collected him from his fan club, put on my coat, and together we set off for the big cube which had lately been the scene of so much happiness, and was now the place where Auntie Kitty tried to come to terms with life and the future.

To be honest, I didn't expect to find her awake, but when I looked in, there she was, sitting beside a good fire, with the twins and little LolaLayna playing around her feet.

"Come in, our Bert," She said, "How are they all down at yours, Lily was telling me fings was grim down there. Will you take a cup o' my rosehip tea? My young Phileus got the rosehips for me, 'e's a real good forager now, an' I got a special way of drying them me Mum showed me, they makes lovely tea."

I accepted the rosephip tea, it was tangy and very refreshing, and much needed. There hadn't been enough wood or water to make tea until just before I'd left Mum's, and we generally don't risk drinking Zair when the weather's very cold, we think it just makes you colder. I was settled into a chair opposite my aunt and near to the good fire. Bytes was quickly taken over by the thre lings, and they went off to play quietly in a corner while we grown-ups had our talk.

"Now, our Bert," said Auntie Kitty, laying down her sewing and looking at me very solemnly. "I want to talk to you very serious about Perry."

"I thought you would," I said. "Do you know about the letter Uncle Arf, stars give him peace, wrote me?"

"Course I do, zahal." I blushed. We leps don't go in much for endearments, we're an undemonstrative people as a rule. Even my Mum doesnt' use the lep equivalent of darling more than once in a blue moon. In fact, I can't recall her ever using it, certainly not on me.

"What was you planning to do about it, our Bert?" asked Auntie Kitty, still fixing me with her unwavering gaze.

"to tell the honest truth I don't know." I said. "I have too much respect for Uncle Arf to go against his wishes, and he wants me to promise, promise to the helping hand, not to interfere in this. But what about Perry? What if Milo and the others manage to get that letter of wishing unwritten?"

"What about you, our Bert?" Auntie Kitty took a sip of tea and set the cup in its saucer with a loud clatter. "You 'elped this one an' that one, an' I daresay you'll 'elp the other one when they ask you, but what about you?" she said, suddenly sounding almost fierce. "They pay you those danger grains for a reason. One day you'll be old, like Arf, and there won't be no lings to forage for you, nor build you a cube, nor make your clothes, nor keep your fire in, nor even be there to 'old your 'and before you set out for 'igh country's gate. Oh yes the old country look after their own, but they make 'em pay, zlendt 'em! I should know! An' you got to 'ave the grains to pay, our Bert. There's those in this family what love you to the stars, but they won't be 'ere forever. An' there's those in this family what fink you're dang'rous, or bad, or mad, or all of 'em at once. You can't count on 'em. You can't count on the yumans, they might love you to the stars too, I daresay they do from all I've 'eard, but they doesn't live as long as we does. At the bitter end, our Bert, if you turn your back on our way, the family way, you can only count on grains in the bank. I know it's 'ard," she went on more gently, for my eyes were full of tears, "I know it's cruel 'ard, our Bert, but it's the trufe, an' you got to realize it. Arf loved you, our Bert. Arf thought the world of you, same as I does. Same as a lot of us does. An' that's why 'e wanted your promise, an' that's why I wants your promise, that whatever 'appens, what. Ever. 'appens, mind, that you won't pay a single grain to the gardens on account of Perry. 'e's got a family that needs to support 'im. Bert, promise me. Promise me for Arf. Please."

Well anyone who knows me will probably be able to guess what kind of state I was in by the time Auntie Kitty had finished. Worse, Bytes saw my tears and came rushing over, chirrupping anxiously, and climbed into my lap, putting his arms around me and laying his fluffy cheek against mine, making all the comforting cooing sounds he could. The little lings would have come too, only Auntie Kitty waved them back. I tried to get myself under control again, I had no right to lose it in front of Auntie Kitty, but the thought of such a possibly bleak future, coupled with Uncle Arf's love and concern for me right at the end of his life was more than I could bear.

"Now now, our Bert, no need to be a weepin' willow," Auntie Kitty was looking steadfastly into her teacup, and I had the idea that if I didn't lep up soon she was going to lose it too, and that would never do. "I'm sorry I 'ad to lay it on the line so clear like, only I 'ad to make you see. I don't wanna 'ave to be fierce wiv ya, only I want everyfin done the way Arf said, so do like he wants an' promise, there's a good boy."

Well, what could I do. My promise was almost inaudible, but it was made, and the helping hand heard it, and, as hard as it might be, I'll keep it.

When I got back to Mum's, the whole place, in fact the whole alleyway leading to their cube, smelled of frying onions. I put my head in long enough to see mountains of vegetables being pealed and chopped, mounds of onions softening in a little of the precious butter Dad forages from a local dairy, huge pots of herb tea being passed around, everyone busy and, it semed, happy. They didn't need me anymore and I was dying to just get home and be quiet. I caught Mum's eye, pointed towards the thoroughfare, blew her a kiss, took Bytes's hand and we headed thankfully for home. It's funny, I always say I'm going home for the day, but the lep colony isn't my home. Home is always warm and comfortable. Home is where my two best friends in the world live, and a little girl I am coming to dearly love. Home is the human world, and for as long as I can, I want it to stay that way.

As I walked down towards the main doors of the colony I reflected that even Cassie is growing away from me, I'd hardly seen her that day, she was among a huge group of her cousins, first of all huddling with them to keep warm, then joining in the party. She'd caught my eye and given me a huge smile, and we'd had a hug and kiss when I'd managed to get near enough to her, but I remember wistfully the times when her imprint would have started pulling me as soon as I walked through the colony doors and sent me pelting down the thoroughfare towards her, till I swept her up into my arms, and I would have spent almost the whole visit holding her. No more. She was standing on her own sturdy little feet now, life was full of so many interesting things. She would always need me, but not like she had when she'd been a baby. I pushed through the doors, took Bytes in my arms, squelched through the rain into the bushes, and we went home.

I was so exhausted Sunday night I was in bed by eight. I woke up Monday morning to Bytes kissing my face with his big wet tongue. I handed him the iPad and he settled down to his breakfast as if eating strawberries was something other baby monsters did.

Monday was a fairly quiet day. L was in bed for most of it, Brian was busy working, Lacey was busy at her lessons. In the afternoon, Lacey's friend Nikeya came to tea. There were games and cartoons on the iPad, Nikeya was a bit scathing about no tv, but we did the best we could, and I made homemade chicken nuggets, sweet potato and ordinary potato fries, my famous slicy salad and spicy dip for their dinner. Lacey is a vegetarian, so the chicken nuggets were actually made from Quorn, a kind of vegetable protein, but she likes it and loves the nuggets, so everyone was happy. By the time Nikeya went home, Lacey got her bath, bedtime story and was asleep, we got dinner and work was done for the day I was worn out, so it was another early night.

Today has been quite similar, except it's Rainbows for Lacey tonight, so she has just left for that, I've spent the day between doing jobs for Brian, taking care of L who has been mostly asleep, looking after Lacey and writing this. I think I will be early in bed again tonight, I'm tired already.

And there we are, up to date once more. What a few days it's been, as I said! I hope the rest of the week is quieter. Night night, sleep tight. I'm not saying that about bed bugs, because it gives me the creeps.

Oh by the way, just in case you'd like to see my and DeLacey's Sunday offering, you'll find it here.

Big smiles.

January 24

Stars! I really shouldn't say things like: I'll write again soon! That always guarantees my life will go completely mental, or pair-shaped, or both, and I'll drop off the planet for a week, or a month, or three years or something! Actually it's only been what, ten days, and it's mostly been due to pressure of work that's kept me away from here. Well, mostly. L's been having one of her really bad spells, Brian's been extremely busy, so what with taking care of L, looking after Impy almost single handed and doing jobs for Brian I've been rushed off my feet, and only too glad to flop down with a book in my few spare moments, or just drop into bed. Anyway, I'm here now. Now, where was I?

Oh yes, the last time I wrote was that horrible Saturday when neither L nor Lacey were feeling very kindly towards me, and it was my own fault. I spent all that Saturday trying my very best to do all my work as well as I could, and particularly trying to show Lacey how really and truly sorry I was that I'd been mean to her. The result was that by Sunday morning things were ok again.

I'd been completely prepared not to be in the usual Sunday video, so I just got Lacey's Sunday lunch ready, a thing I always did before going home for the day, and I was preparing to shoot off early, but when I was about to leave she indignantly asked me why I wasn't staying to do the video and assured me that Friday was all forgotten. In fact she was so completely sweet to me that I felt tears coming to my eyes. The camera was running too, so I had to pull myself together quick smart and get on with things. Luckily it was an easy video that week, only talking, so we got it done very easily and quickly. Here it is if you would like to see it.

Once we had everything finished, I went to my closet, got my coat and boots on, and found Bytes where he was snoozing on my sofa.

“Bytes,” I said, “Bert is going home for the day now. Would you like to come with me again and play think games?”

Bytes was awake in a trice, he bounced off the sofa and ran to the door, making loud squeals of delight.

“No no, not that way,” I said, going to retrieve him. “We must go the special way, and Bytes mustn’t be frightened. Now Bytes, listen, listen, Bytes!” As the furry purple menace was gurgling, cooing and bouncing about like a purple rubber ball. “Today there might be some very important, very serious big thinks, as well as play thinks. Will Bytes do his very best, because if he will, Bert will be extra and specially pleased with him, and so will Lacey, and Brian and L.”

Bytes looked up into my face with huge, solemn pink eyes, framed by those long, curling, glittery purple lashes. He gave a deep, single coo, and put his weird little hand into mine.

“That’s my good Bytes,” I said, lifting him into my arms. “Come on, let’s go.” We zapped out for London.

It was a biting cold day with the threat of snow. The soldier guards outside the colony were muffled up to the eyes, constantly stamping up and down to keep warm. I nodded to them, put Bytes down, and he pattered along beside me, his hand in mine, as we entered the colony. Inside it was, once more, eerily quiet with many leps asleep. It took us far less time than usual to get down to Mum and Dad’s. The cube was, once more, packed almost to the rafters. I was pleased to see a good fire roaring in the stove and simmering pots filling the air with steam, but everyone seemed subdued.

“All right, our Bert?” Dad pulled a swinging chair down for me, I took it and Mum handed me a mug of tea made from something green leafy and pungent. Cassie climbed up to sit in my lap. I noticed she was looking pale and had not too much of her usual bounce. She seemed to want to be close to me, but didn’t say much, just huddled by me and hugged me very tight.

“Dad, you’re looking worried.” I said to him, taking a swig of the tea, which nearly took the skin off my tongue. “What the zlaan’s in this tea?”

“Laurel.” Said Dad, “All we got. And yeah, we’s all worried. The generator’s done, our Bert.”

“Done?” I didn’t know what he meant.

“Done.” He repeated, with his eyes on his cup. “Finished. Shot. You know it was all rigged from old bits o’ salvage in the first place. Old Tervyn’s been keepin’ it goin’ on willpower an’ prayers for years. Well now somefin’ vital’s gone an’ ‘e can’t do it no more. ‘e says ‘e don’t know ‘ow long the other one’ll ‘old out. That one deals wiv the air and the cleansin’ places. But the one what gives us the bit of ‘eat we ‘as in winter’s finished. I dunno, our Bert, ‘alf the colony’s sleepin’ most o’ the time. If it gets much colder, I don’t know what’ll ‘appen.”

“Have we lost anyone?” It was warm inside the cube, but I felt cold to the marrow of my bones.

“Not this fam’ly,” said Dad, “But we’ve ‘ad ‘bout twenty gone to ‘igh country so far, our Gwen says. Old ‘uns, little ‘uns, the sickly, you know ‘ow these fings go. Our Gwen’s in a proper taking, she says we’ll lose a lot more.”

I set down my mug, climbed down from my place and made my way across the floor which was teeming with lings, quietly playing, to where Bytes was sitting amid his fan club.

“Bytes,” I said quietly, “We have something important to do, come with me now and be ready to do your best thinking.”

Bytes put his hand in mine.

“While we’re gone, you might seriously all ask the hand to help us.” I said, “We’re going to need it, especially little Bytes.”

I led Bytes deep into the colony, to a place very few leps ever penetrated. If you did not work here it wasn’t a place you ever wanted to come, down among dripping pipes, corroded with rust, which could spurt jets of boiling steam at any moment, among tangles of electric cable as thick as vines in a jungle, twisting every which way, some almost as fine as fishing line, some as thick as my wrist. The swarms of lings that seemed to inhabit every nook and cranny of the colony never came here, it was highly dangerous. One false step or a touch of the wrong wire could mean an instand journey to high country.

I had been here before though, been here many times as a child. Curious about everything and wanting to know what made the colony tick as well as everything that could be learned from books, I had found my way to the heart of this maze, where old Tervyn lived in his tiny cube, and watched over the two huge, grease-smeared, rust-spotted, mountainous machines which were the little heat, light, air purification and sanitation our colony had.

I hadn’t seen Tervyn for years. He had been called Old Tervyn even when I was a ling. Now he seemed nothing but skin and bones, so pale that you could practically see right through him. His tiny, wizzened face a network of blue veins held together by roughened, weathered skin, and his eyes hidden by a pair of human spectacles far, far too large for him. He looked at me over the top of these for a moment, then his face cracked in a delighted smile.

“’and bless me soul!” he wheezed in the rusty voice I remembered, “Little Bertalius as I live an’ breave! Where you been a ‘idin’ yerself, me laddo? An’ what’s this purple fing you brung down ‘ere?”

“I’ve been working hard, Sparky!” I said, hugging him, “It’s great to see you looking so well.”

“Not so well, laddo,” he said, giving me a look of inexpressible sadness, “Not so well at all. Old Flossy’s gone an’ old Bessy won’t be far ahind. When she goes, I’ll go, that’s a fact.” He sank into his rusty metal chair, the one I’d always seen him sit in, in the few spare seconds he wasn’t fussing over old Flossy and old Bessy, his two much loved generators.

“Isn’t there anything you can do for them?” I asked. “What’s wrong exactly.”

“Nah.” He said, shaking his head sadly. “Old age is what’s wrong wiv ‘em. Same as me. Jest old age, laddo. Me Dad’s Dad built Em when this colony was only small. They was small then too, but me Dad made ‘em bigger an’ so did I. But the colony’s growed, an’ they can’t cope no more. They wants strippin down, all the dead parts takin’ away, new parts, new wirin’ new pipin’ the ‘and knows what puttin’ in afore they’re good again. An’ what’s more we needs another generator. Poor old Bessy can’t cope wiv evvryfin now, there’s too many leps. WE need a new generator to cope wiv the cleansin’ an’ treatin’ of water, while Bessy does the light an the air purifiers. An where’s we goin’ ter get one from, eh? Nah, Laddo, it’s ‘opeless. Younger minds than mine’ll ‘ave to solve them problems.” He ended with a heavy shrug and a defeated sigh.

I stood for a while, looking at the two huge mountains of machinery, one still pulsing, rumbling, throbbing with life, the other cold and dead. They both looked as if they had grown there in the colony, like hills or trees, not been built by willing lep hands. How many years of foraging and salvaging had it taken for them to be built. Would my plan work, could it? Wasn’t it too big an ask? And what if it went wrong? I took a very, very deep breath.

“Sparky,” I said finally. “I want to introduce you to Bytes. Bytes, this is my friend Sparky.” All old Tervyn’s close friends had always given him this affectionate nickname. “Now Bytes, I want you to get ready for the very most important think you’ve ever done. Sparky is going to send you thinks, and you try to make them come real, ok?”

Bytes made a fretful sound.

“I know, Bytes, I know you’ve only ever had me send you thinks before, but I don’t know how to send the right thinks we need this time, so Sparky must send them.” I thought a moment. “Maybe we’ll start with small thinks, and we’ll see if you can do them, before we try the big one.”

I motioned for bytes to go over to where old Tervyn sat in his chair. Bytes pattered across and squatted beside the pile of rusty bars, bolts, springs and sheet metal that had somehow been built into the only seat that old Tervyn owned. Tervyn looked down at the little purple fluff ball and a slow smile spread over the wrinkled face.

“Cute ain’t ‘e.” He commented. “Come on, little fella, I ain’t gonna ‘urt ya.” So saying, he picked Bytes up and set him in his lap. There was a moment’s pause while the big pihnk eyes met the small black ones behind the big specs, then there was a girgle, and the long, thin, velvety pink arms wrapped around Tervyn’s stringy neck and I sighed with relief. It might, just might, be ok.

“Well, laddo?” said Tervyn, “Now what?”

“Now, you look right in his eyes,” I said, “And you think of something, let’s start small, something that needs mending say. Let’s try that.”

There was silence while the odd pair regarded each other solemnly. Then Bytes made the closest thing to a disgusted snort that a baby monster can, and Tervyn gave a crow of delight.

“Look at that!” it was practically a whoop. “I been tryin’ ter get that pressure gauge fixed for a fortnight!” Bytes gave another snort as if to say it was easy, and a small bounce as if to say come on, what next.

For half an hour the game of small thinks went on. At first Bytes made a mistake or two and things had to be redone, and then as he adjusted to old Tervyn’s thought patterns, he began to get things dead right. Badly corroded pipes became new and whole. Frayed, sagging cables became brand new and stretched taut. Snarls of hopeless twisted wiring unsnarled, went new ways, new outlets and couplings appeared in walls where they had never been, the wire jungle became safer to pass through and easier to manage.

Excitement began to flicker in old Tervyn’s eyes, like sparks of electricity.

“This little laddo of yours, ‘e’s amazin’!” he whispered. “I never seen nuffink like ‘im!”

“Nor have I,” I said, “We only found out he could do this just a little while ago.”

“But ‘ow much can ‘e do?” asked Tervyn.

“How do we know?” I said. I don’t think he could think someone back from high country say, or think the past undone or anything like that, but I do believe he could think something pretty big real, we just don’t know till we try. You know why I brought him here, you must do. Go on, you can see he’s waiting. Try it.”

Old Tervyn settled back in his chair, shifted his specs to the top of his head, settled Bytes more comfortably on his lap and looked hard at him. The silence inside the tiny cube was absolute. Outside I could hear old Bessy rumbling away to herself. I could see the shape of her, outlined by her sullenly glowing red gauges and lights. I could also see old Flossy, a mountain of cold, dead grey, black and rusty metal.

Then I couldn’t see old Flossy anymore. Where she had been there seemed to be only a towering block of grey fog. A cold hand of fear clutched at my heart, had it all been too much? Had it all gone wrong? It was such a huge ask, Bytes was only a baby after all.

Then the fog was gone. So was old Flossy. So was all that huge sprawl of wires and heating pipes which connected her to the rest of the colony, and the huge, dangerous conduit connecting her to the main power grid. I was aghast.

Old Tervyn leapt out of his chair with a howl. Bytes and I followed hard on his heels. We came on Tervyn in the place where Flossy had stood, his face in his hands, sobbing and laughing by turns.

There, in the alcove where, for years, a mountain of machinery, many times taller than any leprechaun had stood, sat a gleaming new machine. It was slim and angular, connected to wires and pipes which disappeared inside the walls and ceiling of the colony, it shone with a grey gleam, lights and gauges glittered with life, and it gave off a regular, thrumming hum.

“’e did it!” Tervyn was gabbling over and over, “Bless ‘is little purple face, ‘e did it! Just like I showed ‘im! New wirein’, new pipin’, The ‘ole lot! This colony’s goin’ to ‘ave better ‘eatin’ than it’s ever ‘ad before!”

I picked Bytes up and hugged him tight. “Good Bytes!” I said. “Very good Bytes, you were brilliant!”

Bytes giggled, then squirmed in my arms, wanting to be put down. When I set him on the floor he ran over to Tervyn and bounced.

“What’s ‘e want?” asked the old lep.

“He wants to do it again!” I was incredulous. I’d have been exhausted if it was me, but it seemed that playing the thinking game only envigorated and energised Bytes rather than tiring him out.

“Well ‘ow can ‘e?” Tervyn was as incredulous as I was, but my thought processes seemed to be working faster than his.

“Easily!” I said, heading back into his cube. “Old Flossy’s now young Flossy, what about old Bessy? Didn’t you tell me she’s getting ready to go? And what about that new generator you so much wanted? What should we call her, young Daisy?”

“Oh don’t be daft, laddo!” old Tervyn looked as if I’d gone mad. “’e’ can’t do all that.”

But he did. Yes, he really did. That little purple monster, who we picked out of cyberspace and took in, has given our whole colony much to thank the hand for.

Bytes and I left old Tervyn’s cube two hours later. There were three small, gleaming, brand new generators where the two old monsters had stood. You could practically walk a clear path to them, rather than weaving your way through that dangerous rat’s maze. Young Flossy, the heat and light generator, had only been going for two hours, but already the air inside the colony was much warmer, thanks to the new wiring and piping. Leps were beginning to come out of their sleep days, to come into the thoroughfares. Word was beginning to be passed about what had happened. Of course, it wasn’t all accurate. Some said the old country had brought the new generators. Some said the helping hand had sent them as a reward for old Tervyn’s piety. Some said I’d bought them with the money I made, working for humans, this theory was the most widespread, but no one could explain how all the new wiring and piping could have been so quickly installed if that were true. Some had heard about the purple creature that thinked things from the lings in our family, and got the right answer, that the purple creature had thinked the new generators and all that went with them. Others said that just wasn’t possible.

Whoever or whatever had caused them to appear, it could not be argued that the colony was no longer cold, it was warming up and fast. When you went to the pump for water, you did not have to strain every muscle to make water appear, just a slight pull of the handle sent water gushing into your bucket, plenty of it! The air purifiers were working better than they had in years. The cleansing places were actually cleansing. The lights were brighter. We had much to be thankful for.

I stopped off at Ikey and Vee’s cube on the way back to Mum’s. They both made a great fuss of both myself and Bytes, gave us herb tea and cake. Bytes was immediately mobbed by Bertie and Bella. We spent a lovely hour there, and it was starting to get dark outside as I headed back to Mum and Dad’s.

By this time the thoroughfare was packed again. Leps were just standing, talking in their doorways. Then someone started passing out Zair. Leps began running in and out of cubes with jugs, mugs, platters of bread, whatever they could share, sometimes not very much. I squatted down and looked at Bytes, he looked at me and giggled. Next thing, huge barrels of Zair just appeared in the middle of the thoroughfare, big baskets of bread, great big blocks of cheese, enormous platters of salads, baskets of freshly roasted nuts in the shell, huge sliced loaves of rose cake, daisy cake, violet roll, and huge baskets of every kind of fruit Bytes and I could think of between us. We walked the colony from the far end to the doors, spreading the party wherever we went. In the place near Ikey and Vee’s where we’d originally started, the musical instruments were out. Leps were dancing sets, some were singing. The music was spreading down the thoroughfare as more families caught the party spirit. Before long the whole warehouse seemed to be ringing with talk, laughter and the wild drums and sweet tunes of the old country. Fiddles, flutes, drums both large and small, even a harp or two brought the music to life, music that sang in your blood and made your feet want to dance. Music that called to the little bit of old country in every lep.

By the time we got back to Mum and Dad’s, I was ready to drop, but Bytes was so wired he was practically bouncing off the ceiling. Mum and Dad’s cube was still packed, but the relatives had spilled out the front of the cube, the curtains had been pushed open, benches had been moved outside into the alley, family and neighbours were mingling, Dad’s Zair, as well as more from the family, and whatever food was going, was being shared and the party was in full swing.

“Ah, ‘ere ‘e is at last.” Called Mum. “Come on, purple fing!” she said, holding out her arms to Bytes who ran to her at once. “Do yer stuff, we’s all starved ‘ere, waitin’ for ya!”

Bytes seemed totally to have got over being shy about other leps sending him thinks. I sank on to a bench and watched him bouncing wildly about. As he bounced, food seemed to spring up as if it had grown out of the floor. Food I hadn’t seen or thought of for years! Dandelion and wild onion pies, made with the thinnest pastry, bitter savory and fresh as a spring morning. Sweet Vernal roots baked in the embers of the fire till the skin is crisp and the inside meltingly soft, someone thought of these and suddenly they were everywhere, my mouth watered and I realized I was ravenous. Even I, stranger to wild food as I was, couldn’t resist. Roasted wild garlic, pungently sweet and mellow, squeezed on to crusty brown bread. Big grilled wild mushrooms, piping hot, sprinkled with a little precious rock salt. Fresh bantam eggs, just the right size for a lep to hold, soft boiled or roasted, with chunks of toasted bread to dip into the deep yellow yolk. Grilled cobnut cutlets, smelling so toothsome, golden brown with rich herby gravy and stewed wild greens. Sloe jellies, purple black, wild and sweet. There was a huge bowl of trifle, apples, blackberries, meddlers, rhubarb, I don’t know who thought of that or where someone had foraged it from, it was all layered with the lightest cake Mum made from the little white flour she could sometimes get, thick yellow custard and topped with cream. I hadn’t seen a trifle like that since my sister Lita’s christening. The zair glugged from the barrels, deep amber golden, smelling of wild fruit and flowers, clear as a spring morning, tasting innocently delicious. I allowed my mug to be filled and refilled as I talked, laughed, joked and celebrated with my family and our friends.

Suddenly I became aware of a cranky sound, an insistent little hand, and then of Bytes, climbing into my lap. I looked down at him. The thick purple fur was tousled, smeared with red patches, white patches of cream and I wasn’t sure what else. The big eyes were half closed. I was suddenly sure he was tired out, and a moment later I knew I was about ready to fall flat on my own nose from the same ailment. Looking at my watch I saw it was past ten O’clock. I had missed dinner, Lacey’s bedtime, everything. Zlendt!

I tried to catch Mum or Dad’s eye, but they were both way busy, handing round food and Zair, talking with family, friends and neighbours. I realized I hadn’t seen either of them looking this happy or carefree for quite some time. I got my coat, picked up Bytes, who was almost asleep, and stood up. Big mistake. I almost fell down. Tried again. The room lurched, spun around, someone took the floor away and I found myself back in my chair with Bytes sprawled on my stomach, looking at me accusingly. I suddenly realized that I was, quite literally, zaired squared, worse than I’d been in a long time!

I really wish I could draw a veil over the rest of that evening, it was embarrassing to say the least. I had to get down the thoroughfare somehow, but I was quite incapable of doing it without help, so Dad and Tovey had to come with me. Also Gwenice, who never touches Zair now, who carried Bytes, who was also either too tired to walk, or in the same condition as I was. How I got Bytes and myself home without ztrapping us I’ll never know. I’ve never, never tried zapping out in that state, and I pray to the hand I never will again, it could have been disastrous! Anyway, next thing I knew I was in my closet. Bytes wriggled out of my arms, got on to my bed and was asleep before you could say zaired squared!

Now if I’d had any sense I’d have followed his example, gone quietly to bed and taken my scolding in the morning. But oh no, not Bert, Bert had to go lurching out of the room to let Brian and L know he was back. Just the thought of it makes me blush. Apparently a garbled account of the afternoon was given, I tried to sit in L’s lap when she was still standing up, I said some very silly, sentimental things about her, Brian and Impy, and, I hope this bit isn’t true but they say it is, some singing may have occurred. Then I was apparently frog marched into my closet and, and, oh hand help me, put, yes put, to bed. With everything but my boots still on. I suppose the only thing I can be thankful for is that my cavortings didn’t wake up Impy. That would have been the ultimate!

It was bad enough when she did wake up the next morning. She came bouncing in at seven-thirty or so, shrill little voice sending ice picks right through my head, wanting to know why I was sleeping in my clothes, why I smelled all funny, why I hadn’t put her to bed last night and, above all, where her breakfast was. Bytes and I were both still dead to the wide. When I finally got my eyes open and the light hit me like a twenty ton megabomb, I wished I was just plain dead! I whispered to Impy that I wasn’t feeling too good, and that she would need to wait for Brian or L to get up to give her breakfast, and begged her to go away and let me sleep.

She went, but I was not left long in peace. My next visitor was Brian. His booming voice nearly sent my head into circuit jammed. He informed me that L had a migraine, one of her really bad ones, that he had a work list twenty feet long, and that there was no one else to take care of Lacey’s lessons or meals, so would I please get up and face the day.

I’m not writing much more about Monday, I can’t even begin to tell you how awful it was. I was just beginning to be tentatively better when there was a ring at the doorbell, and Gracie Hughes arrived for tea. I’d completely forgotten she was coming. It was, in fact, Lacey’s turn to go out to tea that day, but Gracie’s mother had to work that Monday so she’d asked it we could change the play date to the following Monday and could gracie come to us first, which L had readily agreed to. I’d known about it, and had promised a vegetable lasagna and my famous elderflower jellies which I made in little castle moulds. Only I hadn’t done any of it! Zlendt zlendt zlendt!

I left the girls playing house in Lacey’s room, ran into my closet where Bytes was still recovering on my bed and begged him, practically on my knees, to wake up and help me. He opened bleary pink eyes.

“Bytes,” I babbled, “I really need to you to do a think.” He groaned and tried to burrow back under the covers. “No, Bytes, come on!” I said, “I’m going to be dead meat if you don’t help me, everyone’s going to be furious with Bert, please, Bytes!”

One eye appeared over the edge of the quilt. Then two big, pink lips with a finger over them. The message was clear enough.

“All right!” I whispered. “I’ll be quiet, but you just do this think, then I’ll go away.”

The other eye appeared from over the edge of the quilt, and a bit of the purple face. That was as much as I was going to get, it seemed. I looked into the eyes and focussed. A big dish of bubbling hot vegetable lasagna in the oven, smelling all delicious, the top getting all golden brown. Ready in about fifteen minutes. In the fridge, a jug of homemade lemonade, all crisp, cool and frosty, and two little castle moulds full of just set homemade elderflower jelly, tangy, delicately scented, just ready to turn out. Beside that, a dish of fresh berries, strands of angelica and mint leaves to decorate the plates.

The eyes snapped away from mine. The bit of purple disappeared under the duvet. Bytes was gone. Oh well, I had tried. I’d better explain to the girls and see if I could order pizza or something. Brian and L were not going to be happy and Lacey was going to be furious. Hunching my shoulders in defeat, I went into the den.

The delicious smell of roasted onion, aubergine, corn and peppers greeted me. Peeking into the oven I could see my big terracotta lasagna dish, the top of what was inside just beginning to turn golden. I had no need really to look into the fridge, but when I did, it was all there. I smiled in relief. The day ended much better than it had begun!

For the rest of that week I was extremely busy. L had one of her worst health weeks she’s had in a while, so I was taking care of her, looking after Impy and doing my normal work for Brian. In between all that I really didn’t have much time to do very much else.

One thing of interest did happen during that week. I had an Email from the colony council. They asked if I could meet with them. They said that, for the colony records, they would like to know exactly what had taken place between me, old Tervyn and Bytes. It was a nice enough Email, but I’d had dealings with the council before, and I did hope they weren’t going to make any awkwardness! I said I’d meet with them whenever they wanted, and that’s the last I’ve heard. I’m hoping they’ll let the whole thing drop, I mean, Tervyn can tell them what happened, and anyway, why all the fuss? They’ve got three brand new generators, new wiring, new piping, what does it matter how it was done?

L still wasn’t well on Saturday, and I thought if things were still the same I wouldn’t be able to go home on Sunday, but by Sunday morning she was feeling very much better. Lacey and I had spent a lot of Saturday having a long and involved game for Youtube with her toy family, with me providing sounds from my iPad. We had an enormous amount of fun telling the story of Mr Charlie the baboon trying hard to watch a game of football, and bossy Mummy Lacey doing everything to thwart him, accidentally of course! Here's how it turned out!

Sunday morning started much as usual. I was woken up by Bytes washing my face, then I fed him while I showered, made the bed, tidied up, and dressed in my good Sunday clothes. After that I did my usual morning check in. Everyone seemed in an abnormally good mood. The increased ease and comfort in everyone’s daily lot seemed to mean everyone was feeling less argumentative than usual. I wondered how long it would last. I had a look at the mail. The usual ream of junk from Hinky, the usual mail from Mum to let me know Cassie was ok and, what? A mail from Tulia? I gawped. Tulia and I hadn’t exchanged a word in three years. I would have bet my last piece of Armani I could guess what she wanted. I opened the mail.

“Bert.” It began.

“I suppose you’ll be coming over home today. If you’re bringing that purple creature, would you come over our cube. Me and the lings needs its help.”

That was all. No signature, no please nor thank you.

Tulia really was something! She wasn’t even pretending she wanted to see me because she wanted to see me. She wanted me to come because she wanted something from Bytes. She had done this trick when my ex wife was in the colony, helping Derry, Mella and their family with feeding spells. I fumed with anger and decided not to go near her cube. But this was a bit different, I suddenly thought. FeedMe spells used to tire Tealy out, she could only make a very limited amount of them. Bytes seemed to love doing thinks, the more he did, the happier it made him. OK, I didn’t owe Tulia a thing, she had done her level best to get Cassie thrown out of the colony, to blacken my name, worse. But did that mean I had to treat her the way she had treated me? And there was another thing to consider. What was going on with Shay and that fem? And what about my nephews and little PattiAnne? I shrugged wearily. I had rather fight with a dervish dog, but I supposed I had better go and find out what was going on.

As it happened, I had less to do than usual that Sunday, as we had got most of the video stuff ready the previous day, so once I had Impy squared away and our brekfast cleared, I got ready to leave. As soon as he saw me getting my things together, Bytes was off my sofa and bouncing up to my side. I had wondered if he’d want to come with me today, but apparently there was no question, he was totally up for it, so I picked him up in my arms and we zapped out.

The colony was bustling when I got inside. It was a snappy, crisp day out with a bit of sunshine, but inside it was warm. Maybe not toasty warm, but warm enough. Swarms of leps were milling about all over the place and there were lings everywhere. Bytes was pounced on from all sides, and if I hadn’t still been carrying him I’d have lost him. He was actually quite a weight for me, but I decided I’d better carry him for the time being.

I was glad to put him down when I got to Mum and Dad’s. I’ve been stared at enough times in my life, but my stars! You’d have thought Bytes and I were going to explode and start showering everyone with gold on the spot, the way we were being looked at as we made our way down the thoroughfare! Leps were staring at us, some with just curiosity, some giving us friendly smiles, but some with naked greed on their faces. Obviously, tales of the purple thing which could make thinks come real had lost nothing in the telling. I wondered if I had been wise to bring him this week.

Thank the stars, Mum and Dad’s cube never changes! Luckily there was no one there today but Mum, Dad and my darling Cassie. She threw herself at me, hugging me like mad and kissing me all over my face, before running back out to play with her cousins in the alley. I put Bytes down and he curled up near me on the floor while I climbed up into a swinging chair and accepted a cup of herb tea and a slice of blackberry cake.

“Well, what’s the news?” I asked, taking a bite of the rich, dark cake. “Anything much?”

“You should know,” said Mum, “You been makin’ the news this week, our Bert. You an’ the purple fing. You’re all anyone’s talkin’ about.”

“Oh, it’ll blow over.” I said, with more conviction than I felt. “It’s something new that’s all. Leps’ll forget in a while.”

“Don’t talk silly, our Bert.” Dad sounded gruffer than usual. “Use them brains you was supposed to ‘ave. Everyone seen what that purple fing can do. Make new generators. Make food come outta fin air. So leps gets to finkin’ an’ they gets to talkin’, the more ‘ot ‘eaded of ‘em. Why should we work an’ grind an’ risk our necks foragin’ an’ salvagin’, they says. There’s a much safer way o’ getting’ what this colony needs. All we could ever need an’ more!”

“You’re joking!” I jumped out of my chair, upsetting my tea.

“Wish I was,” said Dad. “It’s easy, they says. All we needs is that purple fing. Get ‘im to just fink of what we needs. Colony’ll be in clover. No one goin’ ‘ungry, no one getting’ sick. No food shortages.”

“And what about Bytes?” I cried angrily, “What’s he going to get out of this? What do they mean to do, lock him in a cage or something? Over my dead body!"

“Easy, son,” Said Mum comfortingly, “It’s only talk. Just a lot o’ fools brayin’ like donkeys. You know what they’re like. Don’t take no notice.”

“Milo Arfoniusan ain’t no fool, Lil.” Dad sounded very grave and my heart fell into my boots. Him again. One of Uncle Arf’s older sons, one of the four that was trying to get Uncle Arf’s letter of wishing unwritten. Also one who was said to be very well in with the council and expecting to be nominated for the next vacant seat. I was liking this less and less. I stood up.

“I’m supposed to take Bytes over to Tulia’s, Mum.” I said. “I don’t know what she wants but,” the cube went very quiet.

“Did she ask you?” that was Dad.

“Of course! You don’t think I’d just show up there, not after everything that’s happened between us.”

Mum shook her head, looking resigned.

“See what you can do for ‘er, son,” she said quietly. “She won’t let none of us ‘elp. I daresay she’s findin’ it ‘ard, now Shay’s gone an’ all.”

So they knew. They both knew. What in the name of the stars? And there I’d been, waiting for storms and explosions like we’d always had before. Oh well. I shrugged.

“Nice to be the last to know these things.” I said. “Oh well, none of my business.”

“No it isn’t.” said Mum tartly. “Our Tulia’s caused plenty of trouble in this family, stars know, our Bert, but she’s being punished enough an’ she don’t want the ‘ole colony knoin’ that ‘er ‘usband’s gone off wivout even a dissolution! An freatenin’ to take the lings too if she can’t manage ‘em.”

I sighed heavily.

“I’ll do my best, Mum.” I said. “Then I’m going to take Bytes home. I don’t think he’s safe here. And quite honestly, I’m disgusted. It seems no good deed goes unpunished!”

Bytes had been gently snoozing in a corner. I went over to him and crouched down beside him.

“Listen Bytes,” I said. “I’m going to take you to a place where I might need you to do some thinks. If we do them, I’ll send them to you. From now on, Bytes doesn’t do thinks unless I say it’s ok, clear?” The big eyes looked up at me. You know what I think? I think Bytes had picked up something on his journey down the thoroughfare with me, because he was subdued and a bit scared. Something had happened to change that wonderful, bouncy, playfulness of his, and seeing that made me very, very angry.

“OK,” I said, “Now one more thing. When we’ve been where we’re going, we’ll go home. But while we’re here, Bytes must never, never go away from Bert, we always stay close. If anyone tries to take Bytes away, Bytes screams the place down! Clear?”

It was pellucid to us both. Bytes nodded hard and there was even a small giggle. I kissed Mum, clapped Dad on the shoulder, hitched Bytes up so he was riding piggy back, which was a bit easier than carrying him, grabbed my coat which I didn’t need to wear, and set off for Tulia’s.

We attracted more stares as we made our way down the thoroughfare, and down by various side alleys to Tulia’s cube. At one point Bytes burrowed his face into my shoulder, hiding his eyes completely, which I did not like at all. I felt so furious and disgusted that my efforts to help my home colony had so quickly been misused and Bytes translated into a way to get anything any passing lep might want. It was obvious to me that people were trying to catch his eye, to get thinks out of him. Bytes liked to do thinks, but because he liked to do it, not this way, not because it was expected of him, he could quite clearly feel the difference, baby as he was. Or was he that much of a baby anymore?

Well, we arrived at Tulias, and there she was, sitting in her spotlessly neat cube, a spotlessly neat, thin, pinched fem with a thin, pinched mouth, faded brown hair scraped back from her face and miserable eyes. She wore a dress which had been washed so much you could no longer tell what colour it had been. Neither PattiAnne nor the boys were anywhere to be seen.

“You came.” She said. “You really came. I wondered if you would.”

“Mum and Dad say you need help.” I said lamely.

“They would!” she snapped. “Mum’d be over ‘ere in a trice, stickin’ ‘er oar in if I’d let ‘er. Oh do this, Tuli, do that, Tuli, I told ya so, Tuli! Well she’s not goin’ to get the chance, see? I done me best. Not my fault if my lep prefers a bit o’ fluff to ‘is own fem an’ lings. ‘an’ the ‘ole colony’s not goin’ to ‘ear about it from Mum, see?”

“I see.” Tulia would never change. She was as full of anger as she’d always been. “Then why do you want me here?” There was a long, long silence while Tulia stared at the floor.

“You, you got no side, our Bert. I know, you likes me just about as much as I likes you. But,” another long pause, “But if you sees somefin needs doin’ you’ll do it an’ never talk, an’ never keep accounts neever. I knows that much.”

I was astounded.

“That’s the first good word I’ve ever heard you say about anyone.” I remarked. “So, what do you need?”

“Well don’t let it go to your ‘ead, it’s big enough already.” She sniffed disdainfully. There was another long, long silence in which neither of us moved nor spoke. Finally she said:

“Can that creature bring my lep back to me? Before you say no, our Bert, think on this, there’s me an’ seven lings, all under Marrilan, dependin’ on ‘im. If you’ll ask the purple creature to try, I’ll do more, I’ll be better. I’ll be a better mother, a better fem, a better sister. Don’t let me be shamed before the colony, our Bert. Ask the creature to make Shay come back.”

“You’re asking me,” I said slowly, “To use Bytes to manipulate someone’s heart and mind.”

“In a good cause,” Her voice was almost a breathless whisper. “No one will ever know.”

It was a big ask. I didn’t know if Bytes could do it. There were my six nephews and my niece, all under sixteen, Marrilan, the age of marriage. There was Tulia. And there was Shay. And, most of all, there was Bytes.

I stood up, making no sudden nor unhurried movements, got hold of my coat, then leant down to Bytes, who had been sitting on the floor close to me and holding my legs. I lifted him in my arms till his face was on a level with my eyes.

For a long minute Bytes and I faced each other. Then he gave a gurgle, wrapped his arms tightly around me and buried his face deep in my shoulder. I threw my coat over my shoulders and headed slowly for the door.

“Well, I’ll be off now,” I said.

“Did ‘e do it?” Tulia’s voice sounded almost gloating. “When will it work! I promise, our Bert, no one will ever know!”

I reached the door and pushed open the curtain.

“You’re quite right,” I said. “No one will ever know. Bytes agreed with me that to use his powers to manipulate someone as if he was a puppet would be one of the worst things he could do with them, he absolutely refused, and I don’t blame him. Besides, you don’t want Shay back to be a better fem to him. You want him back so you won’t be shamed before the colony. We both thought that was the wrong reason. Bye, Tulia.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard any lep fem scream like Tulia did. We leps don’t scream as a rule. But she did. Total rage just burst out of her. It put the wind up me and Bytes and we ran, or tried to. Unfortunately the scream had sent leps pelting in the other direction, running towards Tulia’s cube, so there was a hold up. In a minute more, Tulia was in the thoroughfare, pushing her way through the crush till she reached us. I had Bytes clutched tight to me, he was terrified. No one had tried to take him, but he was screaming the place down all the same.

“Better hold on to that purple abomination while you can, our Bert,” Tulia hissed at me, “Our Milo’s gunning for it, and you! So just hold on to it while you can!”

I’d had enough. I zapped out, right where I was, and the next minute I was back in my closet.

We caused quite a sensation when we zapped in, I didn’t land very elegantly so made a nice loud bang, and Bytes was still crying fit to burst. The whole lair contingent, including Impy, came bursting in to see what on earth had happened, and we ended up hugger mugger on my sofa, all more or less huddled in a heap, while I explained, Bytes cried, Lacey tried to comfort both Bytes and Me, and Brian and L tried to make heads or tails of the story.

The consensus was, sadly, that the good I’d tried so very hard to do for my colony had, through no fault of my own, gone wildly awry, and that Bytes couldn’t go back again. And just how am I supposed to explain this to Bytes next Sunday, when I get ready to leave and he wants to come with me? Well, assuming that he does, after what went on.

Well, all that was two days ago. Yesterday was a normal, nice Monday, a quiet one for me, with Lacey going to Gracie Hughs’s house for tea and bringing half of that wonderful Welsh fruit bread back with her, I’m not even going to try and spell its name!

Yesterday I wrote a mail to Mum and Dad, explaining in full what had happened at Tulia’s. They were both horrified. Mr Lep Mick, Paddy and Seamus O’Flanagan thinking they can get thinks out of Bytes for the asking is one thing, but someone trying to use him to manipulate someone’s mind and heart is quite another! Stars know we’ve had quite enough of that! I told them to tell Shay to get things regularised if he knows what’s good for him. I’m sorry to say it, but I don’t trust my sister. She’ll be going to old Lolly next, and that one’s still alive, with plenty of dark magic to spare, Tulia’s desperate enough to try anything. They said they’d pass the message on, and I hope they do and quick smart too.

Today has been another normal one of taking care of Impy, L and Brian have both been working and I’ve been writing, and now, yay in a box, I’m done. Let’s hope I don’t go ten days again, or my hands might fall off! I shall now start thinking about getting out in the kitchen and rattling those pots and pans, me is one hungery lep! See ya! Big smiles.