July 2013

July 30.

Hi everyone.

Well this has been quite some month! For one thing summer has arrived with a vengeance and we have all been feeling the heat. For another we have all had to get used to a new inmate in the lair. Most of the time he is no trouble at all, but sometimes he can be quite noisy and obstreperous and most of the time I have to deal with him, wouldn’t you know! We have also had a visitor this month, as well as the usual family goings on. So, are you sitting comfortably, as L always says when she is about to embark on a story?

For two weeks, after I returned from my holiday, life was very quiet and uneventful. I did my work, took care of the Lair, looked after L when she was not well, went home to spend time with the family on Sundays, answered my scrolls from Babsy faithfully, life was just blissfully uneventful. That is not to say I was bored. I love living and working where I do and with the year I have had thus far it was just so nice to have nothing awful going on and to just be quiet, feel normal and do my work.

This all ended on July 7. It was a Friday. L had been out during the morning which was a very warm one. She had come back very tired and with one of her really bad headaches. Brian and I helped her to lay down and then Brian left me with some work to do while he went to take care of L. It was early evening by the time I had finished off everything I needed to do, so I took advantage of having the den to myself to borrow Brian’s wicked fast computer. I wanted to watch a tennis match and a couple of other things.

I seated myself at Brian’s desk and plugged in a mouse. I brought up the match I wanted to see, turned on Brian Dalton’s show on Team-Fm for company, then I went into my Netflicks account to get a film for later. I chose something which looked good, started that downloading and then wondered if Tovey was around on Skype, it had been a long time since we’d had a natter and I was going to be here ages waiting for this download. I fired up Skype and sure enough, there he was online. We were soon chatting away nineteen to the dozen.

Tovey was in the middle of telling me a long story about his latest foraging party when, in the midst of the riot of open windows on the screen in front of me, I suddenly saw something very strange indeed. It started as quite a small image, and then began to get larger. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. Yes, it was still there. What was it doing there, I had not called it up

It was the picture of a furry purple creature, not unlike some of the weird monster pets L has in her phone. This thing had a small head shaped like a slightly flattened upside down pear with two small round ears, a little black nose, a pair of huge, sparkling eyes which were an unusual deep rose pink colour that harmonized nicely with the light purple fur and a huge pink mouth which stretch from side to side of the creature’s face. The head was set on a fluffy body which was also shaped like a slightly flattened pear, this time the right way up. I saw a pair of extremely long, thin arms which ended in hands that looked like nothing so much as those strange plugs you see on electrical gadgets which have come from foreign countries. The hands were small and squarish, with a stubby little square thumb that stuck out at an angle. I could also see two fingers, they were very long and thin and appeared to be stiff with no joints at all. There was something strangely familiar about those fingers and that thumb! The bottom halves of them were pink but the top part was silvery. What did they look like? Oh well, I thought, I couldn’t think about that now! Under the creature’s body I could see two tiny little legs which ended in flat feet each ending in three broad toes.

People like L who like weird creatures might have thought this thing very cute indeed, but as the picture grew larger, covering up some of the open windows on the screen and those huge pink eyes gazed at me, almost in appeal, all I thought of was how on earth had it got there and how was I going to get it away again? I suddenly became aware, through the sounds of the tennis match and the chatting of Brian Dalton, of a sound, a kind of sparkly drone. Where had that come from? The image grew larger and went on looking at me, the big eyes, which I now saw had long purple lashes, blinked, they moved, looking around the room. Oh no, I thought, don’t’ tell me I’ve messed up Brian’s computer, I will be in so much trouble. Suddenly the huge mouth opened and a long, red tongue was stuck out at me, it waggled for a moment before it disappeared.

That did it! I threw down the headphones I was wearing, leapt out of my chair, ran to the door and out into the passage, calling for Brian. He soon appeared, cautioning me to keep my voice down as l was still feeling very unwell. With some trepidation I explained to Brian about the monster on his computer screen. Brian is nothing if not patient but he was not inclined to take me seriously. Why did I not just click the mouse or press alt F4 and make the problem go away? I told him I had tried that, indeed I had tried it many times with no result at all. Finally Brian accompanied me back to the den with the dire warning that if I had messed up his computer he would stop my wages for the next twenty years.

By the time we got back to the den the picture had grown so large that it filled the whole of the screen, completely obscuring every window that had been there. Brian tried, as I had done, to dismiss the picture, with the same complete lack of success. Now Brian is not a techno-geek for nothing and he did something I had not thought of. He went into the Windows Task manager to see if he could shut whatever this was down that way.

“Gosh, Bert,” said Brian, “How many apps did you have open here? Let’s see if we can try and shut some of this stuff down.”

Well it was true, I had been checking Email and doing some other things as well as my Skype, radio, tennis match, Netflicks etc. Brian began to shut things down. Suddenly, over the sparkly drone sound which we could still hear, there came another sound. It was the sound of a fretful kind of crying. If you imagine the sound a fretful baby might make, only lower and slower, then you will be able to imagine the kind of sound we suddenly could hear. I looked at the screen in alarm and sure enough, the big pink eyes were swimming with tears, they were rolling down the furry purple face. The more apps Brian closed down the louder the crying grew, the more screwed up and annoyed the purple face got, and the more tears rolled down it.

“We’ve got to stop this noise,” said Brian, “It’ll wake L in a minute.”

The next second the whole computer had been closed down. There was about five seconds worth of blessed silence and I thought we had cracked the problem. Then the fretful crying started again. It came from somewhere near the floor. I looked down in alarm and there, right by Brian’s feet, was the monster, about two feet high, in the actual flesh!

Now I am here to tell you that Brian is really great at solving most problems and I like to think I can do my share too, but one does not expect a computer picture to come to life, leap out of the screen and start creeping towards you, crying and squalling for all it’s worth. I had absolutely no idea what to do about it and neither did Brian.

Luckily, at that moment, the cavalry rode to the rescue. The bedroom door opened and L came into the den, looking pale and wan.

“Could someone please tell me what all the row is about?” she said faintly. “Bert, sweetie, if that’s some film you’re watching, could you turn it down please, it’s awfully noisy.”

You have to love L! Any other woman, when told that there’s a monster which has come out of Brian’s computer would run away screaming. She asked what kind of monster it was and when I described it to her she said we had to do something for it because it sounded scared to death. That much was true, the monster was now crying hard. L crouched down on the floor and held out her arms.

“Here, monster,” she said. “No, it has to have a name. You said it came out of B’s computer and it has a big mouth? Bytes? Bytes, come here, Bytes!”

The crying switched off like magic and the little flat feet slapped on the floor as the purple furball ran towards L. It looked at first as if a group hug was in progress. L put her arms around the monster, or Bytes as I’d better call him from now on, and the long thin arms snaked around her. Aw, I thought. Suddenly I saw that he wasn’t hugging her. L was wearing a silk robe and her iPhone was peeking out of a top pocket. Those weird little hands were snaking up towards it.

“Careful L,” I warned urgently, “He’s after your phone!”

When L took those busy fingers out of the way the crying began again. L took the phone out of her pocket thoughtfully.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” she asked. “Do you want to hear some music? Is that why you want the phone?”

She sat down on the floor beside Bytes and opened up the Team-Fm app. Immediate result! Bytes stopped crying, put his strange hands on the phone and for a second there was silence. Then his enormous mouth began to open and close while he made the loudest munching sounds you ever heard!

After that it wasn’t difficult to work out what Bytes needed. Something in the packet data from our network fed him, L thought. As soon as she turned on her computer Bytes left the phone and pattered off under her desk, from where soon issued more loud and contented munching. The munching soon gave way to low and happy gurgling and eventually to soft breathing and the occasional snore. Brian, L and I got on with our evening and almost forgot about the purple presence snoozing under L’s desk.

The next morning I was up at my usual time, I showered, dressed, made my bed and tidied up, then turned on Imogen ipad and logged on to Facebook to see what was what. Kori and Andi were both online, deep in a chat about younglings and the last stage of being with young. I said a quick hello to them but it would have been very rude to interrupt with more than that. Mum had sent her usual Email to let me know that my little Princess was blooming. She is a summer girl, the warm weather is suiting her well, she seems to be in a very good mood these days and is giving Mum and Dad much less trouble than usual. I saw Ikey online and had a long chat to him. He said his family was flourishing but Vee was finding the heat in the colony rather a trial and he was seriously thinking of sending her and the twins to stay with his mother in the highlands for a week or two. It is cool and airy there and he thought it would be good for Vee. She still was not back to her full strength after having the twins and Ikey thought a breath of country air might help her. I thought it was a good idea, though I wondered whether the highlands was the right place, given Mig’s attitude to her. They never did really get on, mig not approving of the age difference between Vee and her eldest boy. Ikey sounded doubtful when I put this to him.

“I had thought of that, Bert,” he wrote, “But poor old chick’s looking pale and droopy in this awful heat, you know what the cubes can get like in summer. She needs to get out of here. I can’t think where else to send her. Not to Uncle Nile, he don’t know her. Not to the healing gardens, she ain’t ill and anyway we aint got that kind of money.”

I promised I would think about it and find an answer. I really didn’t want Vee and the twins to go to Mig’s and I had a suspicion Mig wouldn’t like it much either. If Vee went there she would probably be pressed into hunting or foraging for the family, that would not be the kind of rest she needed.

By this time I could hear L and Brian stirring so I shut down Imogen and went to start preparing the breakfast. When it was ready we ate in our usual cosy and companionable fashion. The computers were switched on but the purple menace was still sleeping so we did not have any of his noise to contend with which was a blessing. As we ate I told Brian and L the latest family news, including Ikey’s idea and my reservations about it.

“No, that won’t do at all, I can see that.” Said Brian as I refilled his coffee mug. “From what you’ve told us about Mig, she’ll have Vee cooking and preserving all the time she is there, or make her hunt rabbits or pick fruit the whole time. Vee doesn’t need that, she needs to get some peace.”

L suddenly dropped her spoon.

“Peace! That’s it!”

“What’s what?” I asked, looking at her blankly. She was out of her chair and bouncing around the room as she does when she gets excited.

“Bert, the gardens of everlasting peace! You know, where you took me on my birthday! That’s where Ikey needs to send Vee and the twins!”

Oh my stars! It’s a wonder L didn’t get hugged to death! What a wicked idea! As soon as I had finished clearing the breakfast away I raced to my closet, got Imogen turned on, jumped through the fifty zillion hoops I needed to and logged myself into our ultra secure and secret domain. Once there I looked up the garden’s website.

Oh how the memories came back when I saw the pictures of those beautiful gardens again. I remembered the trees and flowers, the lovely smells, the feisty little talking bluebird that came to help us, the beautiful unicorn that came to take L so she did not have to walk, the fountain of the mermaid and best of all the singing flowers which had granted me the supreme honour of letting me hear them sing. How wonderful it had been there! Now, I needed to find out if I could get Vee and the twins there, and if they would be able to stay.

The research took me a while and the answers I got were worrying. Usually, visits to the gardens of everlasting peace only lasted a day and were freely given if the family running them were satisfied that they were needed. However, in special cases, longer stays could be arranged. A full case history had to be submitted to the family running the gardens and a charge was levied. This charge went towards the upkeep of the house and gardens. It was explained that only a few visitors a year stayed at the gardens but it was a once in a lifetime experience of invaluable help to a body and spirit which needed time for rest and refreshment. When I saw the cost I gulped. Two thousand grains per person. That was a flat rate however long you stayed. To send Vee and the twins to the gardens of Everlasting Peace it would cost six thousand grains! Ouch!

Let me try and put this into perspective for you. A lep doing a job like Tovey, a forager say, that’s thought of as a good job with good wages, would earn two hundred and fifty to three hundred grains a month, that’s good wages in our colony, it’ll keep a family of fifteen plus easily! Someone like the head of the council might get five or six hundred grains a month. That’s riches indeed, I mean, absolutely stinking rich, enough to feed a family bigger than Mum and Dad’s and have savings and to spare. Now me, I live and work in the human world so I get what you might call danger money. I get a thousand a month, except I don’t see it. I have an account in our colony with a tiny fraction of that in so that I have running around cash I can use in the colony to buy anything I need like things for Cassie, Saint patrick’s day presents for the family etc, but most of it is being saved against the time I can’t work anymore, then I can retire either to my home colony or to a colony in the Old Country which is created for old ex-Shana-Sherin working leps like me. There I can happily live on the money I’ve earned for the rest of my life.

Now Ikey has a decent enough job, but if he gets more than a hundred and fifty a month then I have round fluffy ears! He could no more find six thousand grains than I could fly to the moon. The gardens of everlasting peace were not like the healing gardens, they would not let you pay a bit off at a time, giving healing no matter what. They insisted, gently but firmly, on grains up front or no visit, and none at all unless they were satisfied that the visit was really needed, this was no holiday camp. I closed the page down sadly and logged out of Lepnet. This just was not going to happen.

Mournfully I went into the den to begin work. I gave myself a mental shake, this was our busy day, I had no time for worrisome thoughts today. I sat down with my iPad and got on with some research Brian had asked me to do. L was working onher playlist, Brian worked on his show, but for the clicking of keys and the sound my iPad made as I typed on the touch screen, all was silent.

After a time I became aware that all had ceased to be silent. The same comforting clicking was going on, but added to that was a loud munching sound which was getting louder and faster all the time. I tried to ignore it, Bytes was just having a feed, that was ok. For some minutes we all worked without speaking. Then the munching began to be interspersed with contented sounds, chuckles, gurgles, sighs, happy gluggings and snufflings, enough noise to wake the dead! Eventually all work became impossible.

In vain did we plead with L for her to make Bytes be quiet. She avered that he was doing no harm, just having a feast of all the data that was streaming down from our three computers. In the end she did consent to call him but answer came there none, the little flat feat remained planted firmly under the desk.

Suddenly, with shocking swiftness, silence fell. The music which had been gently playing from the radio stopped. Everything stopped. My screen told me the internet connection had failed. Zlendt! Now what had happened? A cranky sound from beneath L’s desk gave me the answer. That purple horror had eaten and eaten until he crashed the net!

Of course this was not the end of the world. A simple router reset should put everything back to normal but Brian told L firmly that he was not going to do any such thing until she had a firm hold on Bytes so that he could not overindulge himself again and take our network down in the process as we had a lot of work to do that day. At that moment the whole question of Bytes was settled as a very sorry little figure shuffled slowly out from under L’s desk and made its slow, waddling way towards L, holding up its arms to be lifted.

Bytes’s tummy, normally slightly rounded, was now extremely round indeed, his huge pink eyes seemed to be popping out and his poor little face was all screwed up with distress or pain. He came up to L making a mixture of cranky sounds and fretful cries. As L bent to pick him up he gave a prolonged burp, at which he looked so mortified that it was comical and I had a hard time keeping my face straight.

L picked up the suffering monster and bore him away to the bedroom where he could suffer and get over his tummy ache in peace and we got on with our busy day. The day was indeed very busy and we did too successful shows which both went smoothly. I noticed a peacefully sleeping Bytes being smuggled in and stowed under L’s desk in the gap between L’s show and Brian’s, but I kept quiet and so did the purple fluffball, so all was well.

Nobody thought anymore about Bytes until we were having our glass of wine at the end of the day, when Brian asked if we had noticed how the net was much faster and more stable when Bytes was near L’s desk. I could not say I had noticed anything, but we tested it and it was true enough. When Bytes was under L’s desk, Brian could open page after page which would load in nano-seconds with no lag, however many tabs were opened. L could download a film which would normally take an hour and a half plus in about a minute. It was uncanny! Once L picked Bytes up and brought him over to the sofa everything went back to normal.

The answer was not hard to figure out. I had no idea what kind of creature Bytes was but he was obviously some lower form of magical creature and he had been attracted to this place because of me. He had shown nothing but good natured behaviour so far, so he was definitely a seely creature, that is a good creature, and the seely races never take without giving back. Bytes had found a place where he could get a regular and stable source of food. Obviously the way he gave back was to make the net faster and more stable, it must be what he could do, apart from being able to move in Cyberspace as well as in the real world. Now that he had learned that too much of anything was not good for little monsters, he should be rather an asset to the Lair.

With Bytes once more snoozing under L’s desk the talk turned to other things. There had been no time for me to tell Brian and L about what I had found out on Lepnet about the Gardens of Everlasting peace. I brought them up-to-date now.

“Ikey just doesn’t have that kind of money,” I finished sadly. “I would love to get Vee and little Bertie and Bella into those gardens, it would do them all the world of good, but it’s never going to happen. They made it clear on their website that they treat everyone the same, they always levy that charge, no matter what the circumstances.”

There was a long silence, then Brian said:

“The family wouldn’t club together to pay for it?”

“Not a hope!” I said, shaking my head.

“Apart from the fact that nobody makes enough to put any aside, everyone’s got their own families to think of and most of them have more mouths to feed than grains to feed them with. I mean, if we could have helped with Danic’s healing bills we would have. In fact, to tell you the truth, I helped out with those in a quiet way. I couldn’t do much because Mart wouldn’t let me, but I did what I could.”

L was looking thoughtful.

“I don’t want to tell you what to do with your retirement fund, sweetie,” she said, “But this is clearly worrying you. Hav you thought of paying for the visit yourself?”

I gave L a smile and squeezed her hand.

“Duh!” I said fondly. “How stupid do I look? No, don’t answer that. Of course I have! Who makes more grains than anyone else in the family? But, L, Ikey’s just as proud in his own way as Mart is. He’d absolutely hate it if I swept in like Lord Bountiful, that’s what you call it isn’t it, and started sowing grains all over the field! And there’s another thing. If I do this and the rest of them get to hear, I’ll never have any peace. You know what Tulia can be like, and she’s not the only one. I’ll be besieged with requests for grains for this and grains for that and I’ll have no retirement fund left, because how can I say no when I’ve done it for Ikey and Vee?”

There was a long and gloomy silence. Brian refilled our glasses and we all sipped thoughtfully.

“That’s a tricky one, Bert,” said brian finally. “It all comes down to how much you want to help Ikey and Vee. As for your family asking you for money, well, you’ve held out against them before, I think you could do it again if you had to. Surely you could help Ikey quietly without them all getting to know. I realize it’s an awful lot of grains so it’s a decision only you can make, but if you want my opinion, I think you’re going to feel worse if you don’t do it and Vee has to go to stay with Mig which we all know isn’t right for her when she could have gone somewhere so much better.”

As I snuggled into bed I realized that Brian was quite right. The grains were there, I could easily use them, and I had truly grown fond of Vee and Ikey, anything I could do for those two I would and gladly. The question was, would Ikey let me help? Could I do it quietly without there being a fuss? I turned off the lamp and curled up. Those were questions for the morning.

Next morning I was up at my usual time and went through my routine in the normal way. I was comfortably settled at my desk with Imogen iPad in front of me, plugged into Mum on Skype who was telling me about an attack of Collic which Cassie had suffered overnight. Now Mum has never been what you’d call sparing with words, and anything even resembling a crisis has her spouting them like an oil gusher. The only thing to do in these situations is to sit back and let her rip, so that’s just what I did. While I listened to her giving me chapter and verse I went on with my various Facebook conversations and AIM messages. The family seemed to be out in force that morning and my fingers were kept flying while my poor brain struggled to assimulate all the information I was cramming into it.

Just as Mum was beginning to wind down, several of the message windows were suddenly obscured by an image. A purple image. A furry purple image. Oh no, I thought, what’s he doing on my screen when he should be sleeping quietly under L’s desk. I whispered fiercely to Bytes that he should go away as I was busy. He only answered me by growing larger, batting his big eyes at me and smiling what he thought of as his cutest smile. I could see that I was going to have trouble, and as it would take a bit of explaining to Mum I excused myself from the Skype call to deal with it.

I looked back at the screen, about to be firm and tell Bytes that L would feed him when she awoke, and there he was, slightly smaller now, still grinning at me, but beneath his picture I could now see words. In large, childlike, loopy letters had appeared the words: “Me Hungry!”

I stared in astonishment. First of all I had no idea that Bytes could communicate with us, even in that primitive, babyish kind of way. Was “Me Hungry” all he could say, or could he tell us more things. Could he, for example, tell us what he was and where he had come from? Those were things, I grudgingly admitted, I would be interested in finding out. Those were questions, I immediately saw, that would have to wait a while. When Bytes wanted food he did not have attention to spare for anything else much. But there was something else. I asked him if, as he was in cyberspace, he could not get as much food as he wanted. Surely it was all there for the taking, a constant stream of packet data, all he had to do was just eat.

Immediately the screen went blank but for the tiny image of Bytes in one corner. Now what was he up to? Lines and squiggles began to appear. It took me a moment to work out that Bytes was drawing something. When the picture was complete I gazed at it with a puckered brow. Just an oblong shape with various squiggles on it. What was that? The picture was roughly wiped from the screen to be replaced with a huge capital I. Ok, silly Bert, I thought, I got it. An iPad? Bytes gurgled at me.

The next picture was equally simple and I could immediately see what it was. A picture of bytes’s weird hand. More gurgles when I got it right. Then there were both hands. They grew larger, filled the whole screen. Well, so what? I scratched my head.

Suddenly my brain seemed to give a loud click as the grain germinated. I remembered Bytes putting his hands on L’s phone when we first saw him. He couldn’t feed unless he had his actual hands on the hardware. When I suggested this to him I was rewarded with more smiles and gurgles. That’s why he liked being near L’s computer, there was plenty of space under L’s desk and he could quite happily feed and be out of the way there.

My musings were interrupted by a cranky fretful sound. The smile was gone. Oh yes, I had forgotten. Bytes was hungry, he had not gone through all this just to enlighten me. Wel, I told him, he could not feed from in there, could he. The screen seemed to shimmer and went blank. Next moment there was Bytes jumping up on to my bed. I gingerly handed over the iPad, cautioning him that if he broke it I would turn him into Bytes stew.

Now I would have to say that I am, as a rule, not an animal kind of person. I am a bit scared of dogs and cats because, being so small, they all look huge to me. All the kinds of things that L finds cute, monkeys, pet monsters in her phone, baby dolls, well they just leave me completely cold. But as Bytes lay on my bed with my iPad cradled gently in his long arms I must admit that I experienced an unusual softening of the heart. As he munched and gurgled, his great big eyes looked up at me over the top of the iPad with such an expression of trust and gratitude that some stroking of that incredibly soft fur might have even taken place. Well my stars, I thought, as monsters go, he’s not so bad really.

Our moment was interrupted by the opening of my closet door. It was gone seven and Brian and L had come to see if I was ok as I was usually up and in the den by this time. As soon as he saw l Bytes, the little rascal, forsook my iPad, jumped off the bed and pattered towards her. Oh well.

Over breakfast I told Brian and L what I had found out that morning.

“That’s very interesting, Bert,” said Brian, “But one thing is puzzling me. If Bytes needs to eat something in the data stream, why does he not go straight to the router? You’d think that’s what would give him the best source of food. Unlike our computers or I devices the router is always on, why can he not just get food from that?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “But he can’t, or doesn’t. Maybe it’s the wrong kind of data, how can we know exactly what he needs. Maybe we can see if he’ll go nearit later. Right now I’ve got to go.”

I soon finished clearing away the breakfast and headed off for my day at the colony. It was a beautiful day and the doors stood open to try to let in some air. I knew it was going to be sweltering inside. Most of the inside of the colony is made of metal, there is no air conditioning and no windows so the place just holds in the heat.

I was not disappointed. AS I waved to the guards and passed inside the heat struck at me as if I was walking into an oven. All the way down the thoroughfare the leps moved sluggishly, everywhere the swarms of lings just sat or lay about instead of running and playing as usual. Even though Cassie was pulling me hard with the imprint I could not run to her in that heat. I walked down the thoroughfare till I reached Mum and Dad’s cube.

It was warm in our cube but not as hot as some. Dad had made the cube using a lot of wood and that did not hold the heat quite so badly. Mum and Dad were worn out after a fairly broken night but my little Princess seemed to be in good spirits and not suffering from the heat too badly. I was soon seated in my favourite swinging chair, sipping a cool glass of chilled mint tea, thank the stars for Kori and her ability to make ever-ice,I thought, and I began to catch Mum and Dad up on my news.

When we were all up to speed on the weeks’ activities the talk turned to Ikey and Vee. I asked Mum how Vee was doing.

“I’m that worried about ‘er, Bert,” said Mum with a frown.

“Them younglings are a real ‘andful an’ she won’t let nobody ‘elp ‘er wiv ‘em. Ikey does ‘is best but ‘e’s got ‘is work to do. Vee’s lookin’ more worn out every day, an’ this ‘eat ain’t ‘elpin’. Ikey wants to send ‘er to stay wiv Mig, but that wont’ do no good at all, we both told ‘im.”

“I’m afraid you’re right.” I said, “Mig will have her hunting rabbits or making jam before you can say kilt!”

“Before you can say what?” said Dad, looking puzzled.

“Oh never mind,” I said, “The point is, we need to get her away, right away somewhere she can get strong.”

“Easier said than done, son,” said Dad. “Nile an’ Netta can’t take ‘er an’ she’d ‘ave just as thin a time on Leo an’ Lani’s place.”

“I know that,” I said. “But I’ve got a plan.”

I then told Mum and Dad about the gardens of Everlasting peace. Their faces showed pleasure until I told them exactly what I’d have to do to get Vee, Bertie and Bella there. Dad looked extremely doubtful.

“You’re a good lep, Bert,” he said. “I don’t say stuff like that lightly. I never knowed no one like you for Elpin’ leps what needed it. Look at Andi an’ gordy, an’ what you done for Mella, derry, vee an’ Ikey, an’ our little Cass, she wouldn’t be ‘ere but for you. But this, ah Bert, I dunno. It’s a lot o’ grains an’ Ikey might be young but I never seen such a proud one.”

“I don’t know, Alfie,” said Mum, “Proud ‘e may be, but ‘e ain’t pig-‘eaded. I know ‘e’s that worried about Vee an’ I fink ‘e’d do just about anyfing to get ‘er strong again.”

“There is that, Lil,” said Dad, sipping his tea, “Course, I suppose you could always not tell about the grains. That’s one way o’ doin’ it.”

I picked at a slice of cake while I thought this over. Dad’s idea had not occurred to me. It is my way to always be honest about everything, but could a little guile be excused in this case? If I did not tell Ikey that problem would neatly be shelved, there would be no objection at all. Ah, but then what if he found out? He could use a computer, though he did not have my clearance, but there were others who might find out and tell him, and if he heard about the grains and worked out I had paid for the stay without telling him there would be low country and holy commotion to pay. Um, no.

“No, Dad, absolutely not.” I said. “You hide things from someone like Ikey at your peril. I’m going over to see him and Vee now. I want to take a look at her for myself. Cass is practically asleep, I’ll just put her down for a nap then I’ll be off. I’ll tell him everything up front, then we’ll know where we are. After all, in the end it’s Ikey’s decision. I can only do what he’ll let me do.”

Once I had Cassie settled I set off once more down the thoroughfare and headed for Ikey and Vee’s cube. I was warmly welcomed inside and was soon seated in a chair with a twin on each knee. I looked around the cube with pleasure. It was spotlessly clean and in apple-pie order, almost too tidy and clean for a cube where younglings lived. Vee was spinning some sheep’s wool into yarn for knitting. I could well see why everyone was worried about her. The twins were both fat, pink and bonny, it was obvious that they were eating everything in sight. She, by comparison looked alarmingly thin and white. There were dark circles under her eyes. Ikey was also looking thinner than I liked, he had a matching pair of dark circles under his own eyes and worry sat heavily on his brow.

For a while we made small talk, I chatted about my news, told them about Bytes, which made them laugh. Then, during a pause, while the twins both placidly sucked their thumbs and drifted towards sleep, I looked straight at Ikey.

“Listen to me, both of you.” I said seriously. “I’ve come here with a plan to help you, but it’s only if you’ll let me.”

Ikey gave me a kind of dark frown, and Vee a puzzled look.

“I don’t fink I’m going to like this, am I, Uncle Bert,” He said.

“No, you might not.” I said to him, “But please, think about it before you turn it down flat.”

“What’s all this about, Bert. Ikey?” Vee was looking from one to the other of us.

“Zaeahana,” Ikey squatted by Vee’s rocking chair. “I been worried about you in this heat. It ain’t doin’ you no good. I was tellin’ Bert I wants you to go to the country for a spell wiv the twins so you can get some air, to get well an’ strong again.”

“I’m not going to your mother’s,” said Vee firmly, “So you can forget it. I can’t stand her nor she me.”

“But Zaea…”

“It’s no good, Ikey,” Vee was close to tears, “I know what you think, but I’d never get strong there, however good the air was. She don’t’ like me, she never has. I’d never have a minute’s peace. Please, don’t make me go.”

Ikey looked helpless.

“I’ve come here to suggest something better.” I said quickly.

“Where?” said Ikey. “I told you she don’t need the ‘ealin’ gardens and anyway…”

“Not the healing gardens, no.” I interrupted. “The gardens of Everlasting Peace. I went there last year with my human. It’s a beautiful place. It might be possible to send Vee and the twins to stay there.”

Before I had finished speaking Ikey had crossed to the little computer unit in the corner. I saw him logging on to Lepnet. I guessed he was searching for the gardens. In a moment or two Vee went to join him.

With a feeling of apprehension I waited, listening to the sounds of those beautiful gardens playing through the computer’s tiny speakers. I heard Vee’s sounds of delight as she and Ikey looked at the information about the garden. Then I heard the expected gasp of amazement and horror and Ikey turned back to me with a face full of fury.

“Six fousand grains!” he spat. “It’d cost six fousand grains to send ‘em there! I couldn’t earn that in me whole life!”

“I know you couldn’t, Ikey,” I said quietly. “That’s why I am offering to help.”

“Low country wiv your ‘elp!” Ikey was on his feet, his fists clenched. “Vee’s my fem, this is my cube, that’s my family. If they need stuff then I get it. We don’t need no ‘elp from the likes of you!”

I stood up in my turn. I placed the babies in their hammocks and faced Ikey, holding on to my own rising temper. Vee looked so sick and Ikey’s ridiculous, if understandable, pride was annoying me.

“Ikey, you need to grow up. Vee needs help, I can help her. Is her health more important than your pride? Think about it.”

I left then. I made the rounds but my pleasure in the day was gone. Before long I was back at Mum and Dad’s where I told them what had gone down at Ikey’s place.

“Ah,” said Dad, “Don’t surprise me. I’d probably ‘ave done the same when I was ‘is age. I fink, you know, our Bert, ‘e’ll come round. Our Ikey’s got a lot of sense under that stiff neck an’ ‘e loves that old chicken stars know. Moon, ‘oo’d ‘ave thought it! She’ll never see fifty again an’ im only seventeen!”

At that moment there was a step outside. A thin white face appeared around the cube’s looped up curtain.

“Vee! Come on in, gurl!” said Dad warmly.

“I can’t stay,” said Vee, she was very much out of breath, “Ikey thinks I’ve gone to ask Kori for a tonic draft so I’ll have to go there in a minute. Listen, Bert. Would you really pay for me and the twins to go to these gardens?”

“yes I would, in a heartbeat.” I said firmly.

“Bless your heart!” she said fervently. “I read on that page, in the brief glimpse I got of it, that someone has to make out a full case history of why the visit to the gardens is needed. Bert, I need to go to those gardens. The twins are wearing me out, I don’t like to think of what might happen if I don’t get my strength back before winter comes. I saw a lot of new mothers when I was doing sick visiting before I married Ikey, I know how they can get weak and then sicken and… I don’t want that to happen to me. Ikey will come round and even if he doesn’t… I have to be here for my younglings. Please, help us.”

I went to her, put my arms around her and hugged her close. My stars! I would shake that idiot boy till his teeth rattled if I had to, or go right over his head to get Vee to those gardens!

“Don’t you worry anymore, Zaea,” I told her. “You’re going to see the twins grow up and get married if I have anything to do with it. Now, off you go to Kori.” I dropped a kiss on her dark curls and she trotted off. Dad gave me a grave look.

“You always was one for courtin’ trouble, our Bert,” he said, “But if I was in your place I’d ‘ave done just the same.”

When I arrived back at the Lair everything was much as usual, or rather the new kind of usual. L and Brian were getting ready for the Sunday evening radio show and Bytes was munching contentedly under L’s desk. I dashed into my closet, changed out of my home gear and got ready to help them. Before I got to do any work though L asked me to deal with Bytes. She said he had better be taken out of harm’s way in case he got hungry during the show and started making noises which would alarm the listeners.

Now Bytes would always come if L called him, pattering towards her like a well-trained poodle, but one word from me and he did exactly as he liked! It ended with me having to heft his considerable bulk in my arms, he is not much smaller than I am, and heave him next door into my closet despite his wails of protest. He did consent to calm down once I had him safely ensconced on my bed with my iPad to hand in case he needed a snack during the show. I left him contentedly munching and went next door to help with the evening, which went off very well.

How lovely it was to sit down, relax, enjoy a pizza and a glass of wine with Brian and L after a long day and tell them everything that had happened at the colony. They were not surprised at Ikey’s reaction, but very surprised, as I had been, at Vee’s intervention.

“That is going to cause a lot of trouble between her and Ikey if he finds out about it,” said L.

“Yes,” I said, “And it worries me. I can’t help wondering if she is sicker than she is letting on. Do you think I should let Ikey know what she said? It’s all so complicated.”

We all sipped thoughtfully as we thought this over.

“Not for the moment.” Said Brian at length. “The mood he is in it would probably make things worse. Do what Vee asks, make out the case history and see where you get. If Ikey is still of the same mind whenit is submitted and if the visit is allowed, then you’ll have to have a showdown with him. Vee needs to get to those gardens, and she wants to go, that’s plain enough.”

“Yes,” I said. “I just hope those gardens are enough. I’m really worried about her.”

On that gloomy note the day ended. I went into my closet, longing for a soft pillow, and found a purple ball curled up immovably on the end of my bed. I really did not have the strength to lift it back into the den, so I got into pajamas, snuggled into bed and shoved it out of the way slightly to make room for my feet. As I turned off the lamp and snuggled down I had a kind of warm feeling inside. It was companionable hearing that soft breathing and contended snuffling and feeling that warm weight by my feet as I drifted into dreamland.

I awoke the next morning feeling anything but warm. In fact I felt cold. Cold and wet. I opened bleary eyes and looked into the googly pink eyes of bytes who had been sitting on my chest and licking my face with his enormous red tongue to wake me up! I looked at the clock on my bedside table. It was a quarter to six. Groaning and snarling I turned on my iPad and handed it over while I dragged myself into a shower. By the time I had dressed and tidied the room Bytes had finished his breakfast and, for a wonder, got off my bed so that I could make it! He was curled up in the corner of my sofa fast asleep.

As I made the bed I found my usual little Monday morning scroll from Babsy. For the last few weekss these had been steadying down a lot, which is why I have not been writing them in here. No more fights, scrapes or saying that humans are stupid. Babsy was finally, after a tempestuous first year, really beginning to settle down now. This week, she told me, she had earned two gold stars, one for cookery and one for human studies. I felt a glow of pride in her.

Once everything was tidy I sat down at my desk and logged into my Facebook. No particular news with the family. I said a few hellos, had my usual chat to mella, had a word with Kori about Vee, Kori is as worried about her as we all are. I chatted desultorily with this and that one, then logged off to check my Email. A mail from Mum to let me know that Cassie was ok. Oh, here it came, ten Emails from Hinky as usual. I was so busy deleting the rubbish that I almost missed it. An Email from the elf himself. When I read it my eyes almost popped out of my head.

“Hi, ya old imp!”

“Well I put this off long enough an I reckon it’s now or never! Yep, my bags is packed an’ I’s ready to go, cept I ain’t really got no bags. Yep, old buddy, I’s coming over to see ya at last. I reckon, with the way things is over there, it’d be good if I come Tuesday an’ stayed till Thursday, will that be ok? Course, I know how things can get with poor Miz bear, so ifn’ she’s sick or something an it ain’t convenient all you gots to do is let me know an’ we’ll do it another time. But just give me the word an I’ll be there tomorrow in time for breakfast.”

“Aw, gee, old buddy, I jest cant waits to see ya again, an’ Miz Bear too, it’ll be jest like old times! Send me a mail soon, ya old imp, I wants to know what’s what!”

“Mud in your eye!”

“Hink.”

Oh wow! Here was news indeed! With Tealy completely out of the picture my feelings about seeing my best friend again were completely uncomplicated. I was just absolutely excited. Of course, I had changed quite a lot since the days when we had gone out carousing in pubs, aided by NoSeeMe made by Hink, or had dinner in a posh restaurant aided by a very good LookeLike charm Hink had done. Still, it would be great to be with him again, hear his husky southern drawl, he always had so much energy, even if it was mixed up with a good bit of grouch.

I finished up my computer chores, then went into the den to start the breakfast. This time, when I called Bytes, he looked at me, then slowly got off the sofa and followed me into the den, slumping down beneath L’s desk beside her silent computer.

When Brian and L came in for breakfast I told them about the Email I had received from the states and asked them, naturally, if it was ok for Hinky to come and stay while Brian was away on his latest business trip. Having received immediate permission, and the breakfast being eaten and cleared away, we all got on with our day’s work, but oh my word! That day did drag and crawl, crawl and drag! I do not think I have ever known a day take quite so long to get through!

Finally it was over and we had finished our evening catch up with wine and music. I was heading for bed, had indeed opened my closet door when I heard the pattering of little flat feet behind me. I looked round and yes, there he was. As I got into bed and snuggled down with a purple furball on my bed for the second of many nights I told him that it was ok by me, but that he was strictly, and I did mean strictly, forbidden to lick my face in the morning. Breakfast would be served when I woke up and not before. I might as well have saved my breath to cool my porridge! I do not need to set an alarm anymore. Every morning punctually at six I am now awoken with a nice cold wash from Bytes’s tongue, a few choice giggles and gurgles, a big smile and a pair of sparkly pink eyes gazing into mine. The silly thing is, I am getting to like it!

So, Tuesday morning finally came. I got up, had a shower, tidied and cleaned the closet to within an inch of its life, by which time Bytes had finished a leisurely breakfast. Then I went out and tidied and cleaned the already clean Lair to within an inch of its life, Bytes pattering after me and gazing anxiously at me as if I had taken leave of my senses. He was not used to this variation in the morning routine and it fretted him. Finally I turned on L’s computer and banished him under L’s desk from where the sounds of loud munchings and gurglings could soon be heard.

With relative peace restored, I proceeded to prepare a simply huge breakfast: bacon, waffles, sausages, fried bread, a huge bowl of fresh fruit salad, even the little doughnuts I had made for us at ClairGlorius. I only had to do the eggs, if Hinky wanted any, which I would serve freshly cooked. I left everything else on hot dishes and phoned the elf himself to tell him we were ready.

Seconds after I had replaced the phone there was a zapping sound in my closet and a moment later the door opened. Hinky, my old friend and partner in crime, was walking into the den.

Now you have heard a lot about Hinky, you may even have heard his voice, but I don’t think I have ever described him. Hinky is an elf, of course you know that, so he is a little shorter than I, about thirty inches tall. Like all elves he is very lithe of build, but where a lady elf has nice curves, Hinky has none, although he is quite muscular with strong shoulders and arms and long legs. His face is not handsome, his nose is too broad and his mouth too big, his skin is very tanned from the sun, he looks honest and good-natured, he has a ready smile. Hinky’s head, like the head of all elves, is covered in short fur, but where Tealy’s is fluffy and blonde, Hinky’s is rough and brown. His big furry ears, which grow from the top of his head, are brown too as is the hair which grows out of them, it has been roughly cut short, I think he does it himself and not very well. He was wearing blue jeans, a khaki shirt, a tooled leather belt with a silver buckle and cowboy boots.

It was just so great to see him again, looking, apart from the deep tan, exactly the same as when I had seen him last. I ran towards him and gave him a bear hug!

“Hi, ya old imp! Wow, what’s cookin’?”

“Hot dogs and fries!” I said, falling into our old in-joke, I suddenly felt almost as if I could cry.

L appeared in the doorway.

“Did I hear an elf in here?” she asked.

“Miz Bear!” Hinky ran towards her and there was another reunion.

Pretty soon we were all sitting down having breakfast. Hinky hadn’t changed, he could still eat enough for two, maybe more, and I was kept very busy filling his plate and mug. While he ate he talked about the States, the food, the beer, the baseball, the girls, lots of those. I dropped back into my old role and listened to him, but I didn’t mind.

When I had cleared away the breakfast L sent Hink and I off to my closet to catch up. I curled up in the corner of the sofa and prepared for a good chat, only Hinky was still regaling me with anecdotes about his various girlfriends back home. I listened and smiled and tried not to feel bored.

About lunchtime there was an awkwardness. Hinky, having talked himself dry, asked if he could have a beer. Neither Brian, L nor I like the stuff and we never buy it. On being told we did not have any Hinky looked most put out.

“What no beer?” he said. “Sheesh! What kinda place you runnin’ here! That’s never gonna work. Hold on!” And he just zapped out, leaving me very uncomfortable indeed.

In a short time he was back, bearing in his arms, with the aid of some charm or other, a huge crate of cans.

“Here we go, old buddy!” he said cheerfully, dumping them down in a corner of my closet and fluttering his fingers over them so that a frosty kind of mist enveloped the whole crate. “That’ll keep ‘em all nice an’ cold so they’re all ready for when we want one. Well, go on, help yourself.”

“I’m sorry, Hink,” I said, feeling more and more uncomfortable, “I can’t drink beer since the car crash, it’s bad for my head, but you go ahead. Where did you get that from?”

“Don’t mind ifn’ I do, old imp,” said Hink, suiting action to word and pulling the top off a can, “An’ ifn’ ya ax me no questions I won’t have to tell you no lies.”

I took advantage of some long slurps to tell Hink some of my own news. I filled him in on the whole Cassie drama and had the satisfaction of seeing him look interested. I was in the middle of a description of my holiday at ClairGlorius, and Hinky was halfway down his third beer, when I suddenly heard a sound. I looked over at Hinky. The sound had been a long, loud snore. Hinky was fast asleep, his third, nearly empty beer tilting in his hand.

Furious and sulky I took the beer can away, collected the other two empties and went back to the den. While I was making a cup of tea and a sandwich for L and I I told her what had happened.

“Aw Bert,” she said, putting a comforting arm around my shoulders, “Leopards don’t change their spots and neither do Hinkies. When he worked for me he did the bare minimum he could get away with, then it was off back to his closet, beer and baseball. He’s not a bad elf, there’s no meanness in him, but he just loves Hinky best, he always will. He’s never heard of good manners, or putting other people before himself. If he’s happy, how could they possibly not be happy? He doesn’t know how to give and that makes him miss out on so much, it’s a shame.”

When I got back, Hink he had found the sports channels on my TV. Oh no, I thought!

“Hi, Bert!” he enthused. “Sit down, old buddy!” as if he owned the whole zlendt closet still. “There’s a great game on here!”

“You enjoy it, Hink,” I said through my teeth. “I’ll go and see if L needs me.”

The rest of that day went from bad to worse, I won’t bore you with the details. It ended with us almost having words because firstly, I would not let Hink have my bed, I made up a bed on the floor for him with lots of mattresses and quilts, and secondly Hink did not want Bytes to sleep in the room as he had taken a violent dislike to my little purple friend.

“Honest, old buddy,” whined the pestilential nuisance, “I won’t get a wink o’ sleep with that thang in here! It gives me the creeps!”

I put my foot down with a firm hand.

“Then you’ll either have to stay awake or sleep in the den.” I told him.

Hink gave me an injured look, then burrowed down into his nest of quilts without another word. Bytes settled into his normal place on my bed and I gave him an extra goodnight hug.

Honestly, I told Bytes as I silently stroked him before laying down, I don’t know how we’re going to get through the next two days. There are going to be fireworks before this visit is over, mark my words!

When I awoke the next morning I was aware of a feeling of emptiness where I should of felt warmth. I next heard a very loud spluttering and cries of: “Go way! Shoo! Go on now, get, ya varmint!”

I dragged my eyes open to see what the trouble was. As I took in the situation I had the hardest work keeping a straight face. I had always suspected Bytes of having more intelligence than he let on and a sense of humour that verged on the evil. Now it was proved to me. He knew quite well that hinky was a bit freaked out by him and while Hinky was sleeping he had wakened up and taken the opportunity to place himself snugly over Hinky’s chest, wind his long arms softly around Hinky’s neck, snuggle his head lovingly on the Elf’s shoulder and Hinky had awakened to see, as I usually did, those huge pink eyes gazing into his and feel the big wet tongue licking his cheek.

“Bert! Old buddy!” yelled Hinky, as soon as he saw I was awake. “Get this nasty thang off o’ me! It’s tryin’ to suck my blood!”

At this, Bytes broke into his infectious giggle and nuzzled even deeper into Hinky’s shoulder which made the elf literally gibber with fear, which made Bytes laugh all the harder. I couldn’t help it, I gave in and laughed too. I was completely helpless to do a thing, Hinky looked so silly and Bytes had so effectively got one over on him. I sat on the bed and laughed until the tears rolled down my face. Meanwhile, Hinky’s gibbering turned to furious yells and thrashings, but the more he thrashed and yelled, the more Bytes hung on, the friendlier he got, the more he nuzzled him and the more he gurgled and laughed. The more this happened, the funnier the whole thing looked and the more I would laugh. Oh, it was awful, really it was!

The party was brought to an end when the door opened and L, still half asleep and awoken, no doubt, by the noise, came in. Bytes immediately jumped off Hinky and ran towards her, holding up his arms as he always did whenever she appeared. L lifted him into her arms and he cooed happily.

“Hinky!” she said sternly. “What have you been doing to Bytes?”

I am ashamed to tell you that this had the effect of setting not only me but Bytes off again. Oh dear oh dear!

It took us a long time to get Hinky calmed down. I cooked him a huge breakfast but for a while he wouldn’t even talk to me. All he would do was eat mountains of food, drink quantities of coffee and mutter “Some friend you are!” under his breath.

I could see this kind of behaviour was getting old with L and fast. After a longer silence than usual followed by another venomous mumble L threw down her fork, got up from her chair, swept the astonished Hinky off his chair, up into her arms, carried him to the sofa and sat down with him in her lap. I am pretty sure that L’s lap is not a place that Hinky was ever used to being because he looked both astonished and faintly scared.

“Hinky you are behaving appallingly.” She said. “Worse than usual, which is saying a lot. You don’t live here anymore, you know, and you do not treat people who are entertaining you this way. Now what are you playing at?”

Hinky’s whole figure seemed to droop. He was an energetic little thing, he always looked to me as if he were made of springs, he moved quickly always, now he seemed to lose all his bounce in a second and deflate like a burst balloon.

“Aw gee, I’s sorry, Miz Bear, I’s sorry, Bert, old buddy.” He didn’t’ look at either of us.

“There’s something going on here, isn’t there, Hink?” said L. “Why this sudden snap decision to come over here at a moment’s notice. Does… well… does your employer know where you are?”

There was a silence.

“I ain’t got me no employer no more.” Came the mumbled reply.

“What?” This was news to both of us.

“Did you get yourself fired?” I asked.

“Nope, it’s wuss’n that.” Said Hink in a barely audible voice. “I did the silliest, stupidest dern thang. I done went an’ got myself married!”

There was a long, long, long silence.

“Well go on,” said L. “You can’t leave it there. Where’s your wife now?”

“She’s home I guess.” Said Hinky. Then he suddenly broke out in a spate of words like blood gushing from a wound.

“Aw Miz Bear, I couldn’t stand it no more, not for another minute! See, it’s not I don’t like her an’ all, I like her a lot, gee, I more’n like her, she’s that sweet an’ purdy, she never talks when the game’s on, she lets me be an’ don’t fret me none, or that’s how it used to be anyways. So I thunk, hey, this is the gal fer me an’ we’ll get hitched. So I throws in my job and the mister, he gets another elf an’ says hey, Hink, best o’ luck ter ya, buddy! Then we gets hitched an her parents, they’s well fixed up, yeah buddy! They gets us a real nice place in a Elfhold upstate an’ I thinks gee, Hink, yer set fer life, boy! But see, I ain’t used to livin’ underground, ugh, it gives me the creeps, honest it does! An’ they don’t have the game on the TV there, not never! An’ then she starts frettin’ me! Hinky, get a job, the money Mom an’ Dad gave us ain’t gonna last forever. Hinky, you drink too much, one beer is quite enough! Hinky, wipe your feet, I just cleaned the floor! Hinky, them blue jeans ain’t good enough fer an Elfhold of this quality, you oughta dress more respectable. Hinky, you spend too much time at the bar with your buddies, why can’t you stay home with me? Hinky this an’ Hinky that until I want to put her lights out, but I never does, Miz Bear, I swan I never does. A whole month of it I had an’ I jest can’t stand another minute!”

There was another long silence while we digested this. Hink did look truly miserable and rather desperate. I didn’t condone what he’d done, running away never solved anything, I should know, you always took your problems right along with you. Still, Hinky was what he was. He could be infuriating, that was true, but he did have his good points. No one could be truer and more loyal as I could attest, but trying to change him would get you absolutely nowhere.

“Does your wife no where you are, Hink?” said L after a while.

“Nope. I told her I was going to get groceries, then once I was outside I just zapped out.”

“Well won’t she be desperately worried?” said L. “Think how you’d feel if it was the other way around.”

Hinky looked unhappy.

“I guess.” He said. “But, Miz Bear, I dursn’t tell her where I am, she’ll jest swoop down on me and argue me into goin’ back afore I’s ready. You don’t know that gal, she can argue anyone into anythang. She’d argue a snowman into melting!”

“Well, you needn’t tell her where you are, Hink,” I said. “Just tell her you’re safe, that you needed to go somewhere to think things out. You must let her know you’re ok, it’s only fair.”

Hink looked mutinous but he took out his phone. I could see him opening up his Email and flicking through contacts. There was silence in the room while his broad-ended fingers stabbed at the touch screen, apart from an occasional “Dang it!” when he went wrong.

Finally the mail was sent.

“Thar!” he said. “Well I guess I’ve done a dumb thang, but I guess you’re right, Miz Bear, I owe it to her. Say, Bert, ya old imp, what say we put on some NoSeeMe an’ go for a walk in the Castle park this afternoon?”

It was a really beautiful afternoon. Hink and I put on NoSeeMe charm which Hink made for us and we zapped into the Castle Park. We had a fabulous time there. For some reason, Hink’s revelations seemed to have broken down some barrier and the easy camaraderie between us was totally restored. We talked and laughed, ragged and joked with each other. I heard a lot more about Hink’s home life and he heard all about my family, my adoption of Cassie and my break up with Tealy. I didn’t want to go back to the flat, it was so lovely in the open air, but it was getting towards dinner time so we dawdled back and when we got close to the complex we zapped into my closet.

L met us at the closet door, her face screwed up with worry.

“Oh thank God!” she said. “Bert, you left your phone behind, I’ve been trying to call you, then I heard it ringing in here.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, L, I must have forgotten to pick it up. Have you needed me, is anything wrong?”

“You could say that, yes. We’ve got trouble.” Said L.

“Oh no, what’s up?” I felt a sinking in my stomach.

“You did make out that case history for Vee and sent it to the Gardens of Everlasting Peace, didn’t you?” L asked.

I stared at her.

“Yes, I did it on Monday. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Your Mum tried to phone you. When she couldn’t reach you she phoned me, she wanted to warn you. The gardens contacted Ikey direct, so now he knows about it. He knows what you did and he’s after your blood. He doesn’t know that Vee asked you to do it, he thinks that you just went over his head regardless of what he wanted. According to LilyBella it’s all over the family, including the six thousand grains price tag and there’s holy commotion going on.”

“Oh Zblert and keerdles!”

“You could say that.” Said L. She had no idea they were two of the very worst lep swear words I knew. “And there’s something else. Or I should say, someone else.”

“Oh no!” I put my head in my hands. “Who?”

“Well, me actually.” Said a silken voice with a smooth Southern drawl.

I pulled my head up sharply. Beside me Hinky was looking totally dejected. The den door had opened and standing in the doorway was an elf. I could immediately see what the attraction was. By anyone’s standards she was gorgeous. Tall for an elf, with rich red gold fur on her head, huge round ears and more red gold hair cascading in long, loose curls from her ears and falling down her shoulders. She was richly dressed in an elegant cream silk suit, a coral silk top, dainty cream and coral sandals with tall, thin heels and tasteful but obviously very expensive jewelry.

There he is!” exclaimed this vision, taking a step towards Hinky. “I have come to collect my husband. I am sorry, Miss Lulu, to have taken up so much of your time. Now that my prince has finally returned I can relieve you of him and we can go. Come along, Hinky, you’ve caused me quite enough trouble for one week.”

Hinky seemed to cower away from the imperious, heavily beringed hand she stretched out to him. The elf woman stepped forward and it looked to me as if she were going to grab Hinky and zap him away against his will. Before she could do this, however, L moved decisively. She stepped forward and picked Hinky up. L is a large lady, much bigger than all of us magical creatures and her movement knocked the elf woman off balance. By the time she had regained her feet, L had strode into the den and had Hinky safely ensconced on her lap.

“Keep right away from him, Miss, What’s her name, Hink?” she said.

“Lintie. Aw, now, Miz Bear, don’t do nothin’ stupid, I ain’t worth that.” Muttered Hink.

“Keep off, Lintie.” Said L firmly. “This is my home and you are a guest under my roof. You are absolutely forbidden to take Hinky away from here against his will.”

Oh lovely, I thought! L knows the rules. Lintie can’t go against that, she knows it too. She was looking positively murderous!

“Well now what?” Hinky was looking resentful. “You oughta have left me be, Lintie gal. I ain’t no good fer ya. If I was you wouldn’t be everlastin’ goin’ on an’ on at me. Hinky do this, Hinky wear that, Hinky get a job, like I ain’t been tryin’ to, Hinky, be different. Well I can’t, I’s jest me! Aw gee, I can larn little thangs, wipe my feet an’ such, but I can never fit in with fancy folks an’ wear a suit an’ eat in swanky places, it ain’t how I’m made, Lintie, an’ ifn’ that’s what you want, you’d better go find someone who can give it to ya.”

Lintie’s face seemed to crumple. Her green eyes filled with tears and she held herself together with an effort.

“Why do you think I married you, Hink,” she said. “It’s because you’re not like all of them. Because you’re diff…” a sound of zapping and angry shouting interrupted her.

“Uncle bert!” bellowed a voice. “Uncle Bert, zlendt you, where are you, you lying, cheating son of a zlorg’s zlog, come out here an’ face me, I’ll tear you limb from zlanny limb! Uncle Be-e-e-e-e-ert!” The last in a long drawn out yell.

We all rose to our feet in consternation but before we could any of us do anything sensible the den door was kicked open and a furious ikey ran in, waving in his hand a heavy stone hammer.

“You zlog’s zgit!” spat Ikey as soon as he saw me. None of us had moved from where we stood, immobile with shock. “I told you didn’t I? I told you she was my fem, they’s my lings, I’ll get what they need, not no zlog what works with humans!” he cast a contemptuous glance at L. “’ow could you do it, Uncle Bert, ‘ow could you go over me ‘ead an’ make me look bad in front of the ‘ole family? Me Mum says I can’t support me family now and ‘as to come beggin’ to you for ‘elp. I’ll never forgive you, I’ll teach you to interfere I will!”

Before the end of this speech I had become aware of another zap and before the end of the last sentence the door opened again. Vee, looking pale and terrified, burst into the room. She had opened her mouth to speak but what came out was a scream. Ikey had lifted the hammer and brought it down towards my head in a blow that would have knocked me out cold if not worse. I could not move or do a thing, it all happened so fast.

With a scream of horror, Vee leapt in front of me. The hammer crashed down on her head and she crumpled to the floor, white and still. Ikey let out a sound I shall never forget. He threw the hammer from his hand and knelt beside his fem, rubbing her hands an calling her name over and over again. She neither moved nor spoke.

Yes, I know, I know, but look, this is getting very long now and I do want to get this posted. I promise not to make you wait a whole month before I tell you what happened next, honest angels.

I really hope it was a good month for you. Thanks for reading my rambles and I’ll be writing in here again soon. Oh, look, L is yelling for her tea, I have to dash. See you soon.

Big smiles.