June 2013

June 23.

Hi everyone.
My stars! Look who finally turned up! Well no, I actually didn’t drop right off the planet, but a combination of very low spirits, not much news and a complete disinclination for doing anything at all has kept me away from my journal for an unprecedented length of time. However, here I am again and I will tell you what has been happening over the last few weeks.

It had begun to happen before my last journal entry on May 12, by then I think the pattern was well established. Things had started falling apart for me. I seemed to find it harder and harder to get through each day. It was not that I was exactly miserable, it just felt like nothing was important anymore, I seemed to be locked in a glass bubble of emptiness. I did not want to do anything. The only times I felt even remotely alive were when I was at the colony and near to Cassie, only she seemed to be able to shake me out of my cold apathy.

When I was at the lair life became almost unbearable. I did my work for Brian, looked after the house, but the rest of the time I just existed. The worst thing was I didn’t want to do any of the things I liked anymore. I had no appetite, even for my favourite things, I hardly slept and when I did my dreams were terrible! Awful nightmares in which I relived the terror of the hearing, my fight with Tealy, or went back to our happiest times, I think those were even worse if anything. In my dreams I pressed the silver star to her wrist, sang carols with her in the park for happiness, saw the candlelight sparkling on her hair in our favourite restaurant, held her on my knee and felt her soft fluffy head against my cheek and every time I awoke to know that I’d never see her again. Just ouch!

You might think that my closeness to L would have given me some comfort but in those days I pushed even that away from me. In the long wakeful nights I seemed to hear Tealy’s bitter words ringing in my head and it made me draw away from L even though I could see this surprised and hurt her. I wouldn’t sit on her lap anymore, didn’t want to read or play games with her, would hardly speak to her even. When she was ill I gave her the minimum help she needed. I spent most of my time shut in my closet for hours together, staring into space or crying silent bitter tears that I would not let anyone near enough to know about.

My situation was not helped by the fact that I began to receive Emails and texts from Tealy. I did not read most of them but the few I did look at made me think that she had gone back to her old friend the Champagne bottle for comfort. Anyway she alternated between pleading for us to meet and bitter recriminations. After a while I just deleted them, but they kept on arriving. In the end I stopped turning on my computer and phone. This worried Mum and Dad to death as I was unable to do my daily family check ins.

This sorry state of affairs went on until the third Sunday in May. I remember coming in after a day spent with Cassie and hearing Brian and L talking seriously in the den. I thought they were probably talking about me but I didn’t really care. When I opened the door L said she had saved me some chocolate cake which I declined. When I left the room to get changed the low serious talking began again. Yes, I thought, talk on, there’s nothing you can do and you’d be wise not to interfere.

We did the Sunday evening radio show, I getting through it as best I could, then I went straight off to my closet for another horrible evening. I was awake for most of the night, got to sleep about four and woke up to Babsy’s scroll tied in pink on my pillow.

Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a bad report this week.”

“Uncle it wasn’t’ fair! Madam prim was showing us how to cook worms in red sauce, honest, uncle, it’s disgustin stuff, why does humans eat worms well they’s all hard an spiky until you cooks them an then they turns into worms. Well Blissa’s sauce did look funny an I was laughing an I dropped the colander of worms an they fell all on Kryss’s head, so she flang hers at me an then there was a worm fight an madam Prim got wild an sent us to Madam Mauraine an I got a mark an how was that my fault uncle? I only dropped my worms, I didn’t fro none!”

“May the sun shine on you always and all that stuff!”

“Love always babsy.”

Even the thought of a spaghetti fight at Shana-Sherrin couldn’t raise a smile that day. I thought I ought to write back, but ended up putting the scroll on my desk, I would deal with it later, I thought. I spent the day staring at my closet walls as usual.

The week dragged on in its usual way and nothing of note happened until Thursday night. Brian came home from his few days working away. Usually I would have come into the den, we would have a nice dinner, wine and music and I would sit on the sofa between them to catch up on the week’s news. Since I had locked myself into my bubble I couldn’t bear to be near them, their happiness just grated on me, so I just stayed in my closet. I listened to their voices rise and fall. I thought L sounded more excited than usual and gritted my teeth.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

“Yes?” I tried to sound at my least accommodating.

The door opened and Brian came in.

“Bert,” He said, “Where’s your backpack?”

I looked up listlessly. What was this now? Were they sending me back to Shana-Sherrin or home or what?

“In my wardrobe,” I said. “What do I need it for?”

“You need to get it packed this evening. We’re all going away on holiday tomorrow, you, L and I. We’ll be leaving at about eleven in the morning.”

I looked at him in absolute and utter horror. A holiday? All three of us cooped up in some hotel where I couldn’t get away? Crowds of people, everyone staring at me, having my head patted all the time, oh no, I was not going on any holiday! I was not!

“Brian, you and L go.” I said, “You can do with a break, but let me stay here and look after the Lair.”

“Bert!” Brian sounded exasperated. “Do you think this is about me and L? No arguments please. Get your clothes packed. I don’t want to give you an order but I will if I have to!”

He went out leaving me goggle-eyed with a mixture of indignation and horror. Resentfully I lugged my backpack from the wardrobe, wondering why my life had suddenly turned to such utter pants, as L would say. I began looking through my clothes to see what would be best to take away.

Now it is no secret that my wardrobe has always given me a lot of pleasure, and looking through all my nice summer things kindled in me the first tiny spark of interest that I had been able to show in anything for days and days. I managed to put together a nice little stash of things and it was not until I had the last zip fastened on the backpack that the cloud of gloom descended again. This holiday could only be a disaster! How could it help being anything else? I had not one drop of NoSeeMe spell left in Tealy’s bottle, I could go nowhere without a hat and if I did go anywhere I would be taken for a cute child, I would not be able to speak or in short be me at all! I would end up cooped inside a hotel room in a place I didn’t know.

As we got into the car next morning my mood was blacker than ever. L strapped me into my special seat and I didn’t even try to help. AS the Welsh countryside began to roll by the windows I turned away and gazed at the back of the driver’s head.

Finally L broke the stony silence.

“What’s up, Bert?” she asked in that sweetly cheerful voice she used those days which made me want to snarl. On that occasion I snarled.

“Oh nothing! Everything’s just totally peachy!”

“That will do, Bert.” Brian was not having that kind of talk and I wasn’t’ surprised. “This is going to be fun,” he said to L out of the corner of his mouth. He spoke quietly but I have keen ears.

L’s face suddenly crumpled. She looked absolutely defeated. Brian was just looking grim. I thought of all the times they had put their hands out to me, tried to get past the high walls I had built around myself. Tears came to my eyes and for a change they weren’t on my own account.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “Honestly I am, I know you mean to be kind, but I really wish you hadn’t done this! I don’t want it and I don’t need it and what’s more it’s never going to work!”

I explained about having no spell left, about my fears of being cooped up in a place I didn’t know. By the end my eyes were full again. When I had finished Brian touched my shoulder in that way he has.

“Now come on, Bert, there’s no need to get upset. You’ll have to trust us on this one,” he said. “You may not want this but you certainly do need it.”

L put her hand over mine.

“B’s right, sweetie, need it you do, and as for the second bit, do you really think we’d let you be cooped up anywhere? We may not have the helping hand but we can sometimes do a little bit of magic of a kind.”

I looked up at her, that tiny spark of interest kindling inside me again.

“Magic?” I asked. “What do you mean.”

They wouldn’t tell me, but a couple of hours later I found out.

We had driven further and further into the countryside, then out on the the Welsh coast. Now we took a private road which seemd to be winding up the side of a cliff. Suddenly, around a bend, it was there. clairGlorius, beautiful, beautiful ClairGlorius! Nestled into the side of the cliff, sparkling in the sunshine as if it were waiting for us.

We drove up a short drive lined with beautiful shady trees and drew up in front of the house. WE all got out and our driver unloaded the luggage while I gazed around me. I gazed at the beautiful gardens, a riot of flowers, shrubs, smoothe lawns and mature trees. In the midst the low, sprawling one-story house seemed to beckon us, it was all white, so white that as the sun touched the walls and windows it seemed to sparkle. All over the house’s front grew a mass of climbing plants. I know now that they are Clematis and Morning Glory which help to give the house its name. ClairGlorius, gloriously light.

L took my hand and I walked towards the porch steps as if in a dream. The massive white front door had panels of stained glass in it. Brian unlocked the door and we stepped inside. The first thing which hit me was the light, the second was the sound of water.

We stepped from the small porch into a wide, bright atrium. Light came from skylights set into the roof. In the center a beautiful crystal Chandelier hung, casting sparkles and rainbow gleams all around and I afterwards learned it bathed the atrium in a soft glow when it got dark. The walls of the atrium were white, the floor a mosaic in exotic jewel coloured tiles. In the centre a fountain, a bowl of silver roses softly trickled drops, made a lovely sound and misted the air. On one side of the fountain there was a semi-circular white sofa with jewel coloured scatter cushions to match the mosaic floor and a circular glass coffee table. On the other, a small round glass dining-table and four upright chrome chairs with fat white cushions. How lovely it would be, I thought, to sit in here, have drinks or a meal, or just talk or read and listen to the fountain.

Around the walls of the atrium were the doors which led off to other rooms, but if you think they were just any old doors you would be wrong! Each door was mirrored and each had a different coloured doorknob made from a round Austrian crystal. On the walls between the doors were hanging baskets, filled with many beautiful trailing plants. There were also half moon shaped glass tables on which were silk shaded lamps and tall crystal vases filled with fresh flowers, scented candles and bowls of pot-pouri.

For a while I just stared around, I did not know where to look next. Then Brian said we should explore and find out where things were. There was a letter lying on a table near the front door which helped us. It was from the people who had rented ClairGlorius to Brian and L, it gave us an idea of where things were and which bedrooms they had made ready for us, as there were a good many more rooms than we needed. They also said that a woman from the village would be in every couple of days to clean and to bring any shopping we wanted.

If I told you about every room in that amazing house I would be here for ages! There was just so much to discover and to love about that place! An elegant drawing-room with a marble fireplace, rich carpets and deep cushioned sofas. A proper dining-room that could seat at least ten, a cosy den kind of a room with soft lights, comfy sofas, good wi-fi and a TV where we mostly sat in the evenings, the most fantastic kitchen I ever worked in with every gadget known to man or lep!

I did not discover the absolutely best thing until we found my bedroom. We had been told in the letter it had a blue crystal doorknob and was the last door on the left. When I opened the door I looked in amazement at the huge room into which my closet would easily fit twice. I had seen many rooms by now and so had come to expect the light brightness, the soft colours, many mirrors, the sun catchers and dream catchers hanging everywhere and casting sparkles all around. But the bed had my eyes out on stalks. It was not only immense but it had three steps up to it and was swathed in long, soft blue curtains and a matching canopy!

No apathy on earth could have held out against the magic of this place. When Brian asked if I could manage to get up to the bed I did a rather too exuberant hover spell and ended up face down in a mattress the like of which I’d never felt before. How bouncy, how it moulded to my shape! How comfy it was! My first encounter with a water bed, just wow! L told me to get down as I was missing the best bit. I had noticed the huge glass French doors, most rooms on that side of the house had them, but I had not bothered to look outside. Now I ran to them, slid them open and I was immediately struck speechless.

Outside the window a beautiful terrace garden descended on three levels. On the first level was a large decking area with sun loungers, a patio table and chairs, a sun umbrella, a wel-equipped barbecue and a very fancy bar complete with a mini fridge.

Walk down a flight of marble steps past trailing plants and flowering shrubs and you came to the next level where a hot tub beckoned seductively and a kidney-shaped pool winked blue-green water in the sun.

And walk down one more long flight of steps? Ah, there was a little cove where waves broke on a beach of silver white sand. It was quiet, remote, deserted. Our own. For three weeks I could lie in the sun, swim in the pool, paddle in the sea, run along the beach, do whatever I liked and no one, no one would see me, not a living soul! I turned back to my wonderful people, not knowing what to say to them, and found them smiling. Magic they had promised and they had delivered.

And so our three wonderful weeks began. Brian could not stay with us the whole time, as he said, someone had to mind the shop, but he came on Fridays and was driven back to the Lair on Monday mornings to begin his weeks’ work. L and I stayed at ClairGlorius and the days were long and magical. For a wonder the weather smiled on us and we had few wet days. Even when the weather was cool I wanted to be out in the air. The chance to be free was so rare and unexpected that I was determined to make the most of it. When it was warm L and I would be on the beach, messing around like a pair of leplings, making sand castles, burying each other’s feet, digging holes, paddling and swimming. When we got tired of that we’d go back to the deck and collapse on to sun loungers, me always making sure L was in the shade. Sometimes we swam in the pool and every evening we had an hour in the hot tub with a cool drink. Then I would fire up the gas barbecue or cook dinner in the kitchen and we would eat outside or in by the fountain if it was chilly.

If it was cool L would spend the day inside, reading in the den or sitting by the fountain, curled in the corner of the sofa playing games on her phone. I would put a light jacket on and go outside, feel the wind or rain on my face, run down to the sea and watch the waves breaking against the shore, sometimes I would run along the beach till I had no more breath, sometimes, if it was windy, I would yell into the wind and the surf, I didn’t know why, it just felt right somehow.

ClairGlorius had worked some of its magic and blown away my apathy but in its place I did not know what was left. I was living for the moment, living in limbo, taking each minute of each day as it came and if any thoughts intruded I put them firmly out of my head. Feelings I experienced sometimes and there, on that solitary beach I seemed to be able to give my grief, anger and pain back to the wind and the sea.

I thought, over all, I was doing better, but one thing was not right. I was spending lots of time with L but there was a barier between us that I could not get past nor tear down. She behaved more or less normally towards me, but when it came to those times when we would have settled down to read together, or talk, or play games with me on her lap in our special companionship I could see her drawing back. I knew she was remembering all the times I had rebuffed her, spoken sharply to her, and I knew she wouldn’t ask me again. I, in turn, was remembering Tealy’s bitter words.

“How do you think it feels coming second to her? I’ve seen the two of you together, enough to make you sick!”

The thing that scared me most was that if I allowed myself to get close to L again, might I not in an unguarded moment let the whole thing out? I’d sworn to myself that L would never hear the whole story of why Tealy and I broke up. There were evenings when I went into the den to close the curtains and light the lamps and I would catch L looking at me with that hurt, puzzled look and I so nearly tore that barrier down, but then I remembered, bit my tongue and went to sit across the room and watch some boring TV program.

As the days went on I could feel the tension building up between us, the air becoming tight and tender with unsaid things. Something would have to give. The day of change came in the middle of our second week, a day of sweltering heat, humidity and airless closeness.

L and I had spent the morning on the beach, trying to pick up a bit of breeze from the sea but the waves seemed flat and oily and even down near the water there seemed to be little air. At lunch time we came back to the house, L lay in the shade and I made us iced sorel soup and crackers spread with cool creamy cheese and chopped chives. We were both abel to eat little and I noticed that L had begun to look white. She said the sun had given her a headache and she would go and lie down in the cool. I offered to mix an iced fruit juice drink which I had invented and which she was fond of and bring it in for her. I watched her head for the French doors to her room and turned towards the bar.

I picked up the heavy glass pitcher, filled it with ice, added measures of various juices from the fridge and began to stir. I was wholly absorbed in my task, humming a tune and hoping that L was not going to have one of her really bad Migraines.

It was as I poured the finished drink into a tall crystal glass that I heard the zapping sound behind me. I whirled round and in a second the whole day changed. The glass in my hand hit the decking and broke into a hundred glittering fragments, spilling a pool of crimson liquid which slid sluggishly across the wooden decking. Tealy was standing there glaring at me from those huge aqua eyes. She wore tight white trousers, a pink tee-shirt and high-heeled pink sandals. She had pink and silver hair scrunchies and matching bangles I noticed vaguely. What I most saw was the sneer her face was set into.

“Well doesn’t this look cosy!” her lip curled contemptuously. “L and her lep all alone together!”

I couldn’t bear it. For how many nights had I envisioned that fresh little figure, that fluffy blonde head and now here she was looking at me so spitefully and I could not bear it. I put my hands over my face with a groan of denial.

“Oh now look what you’ve done!” she went on, her voice dripping venom, “Ruined L’s drink, she won’t be happy!”

I peeked at her from between my fingers.

“What the zlarn are you doing here?” I said. “Go away, I can’t deal with this!” I covered my face again, I did not want to see her.

”Bert, I’m sorry!” her voice was much nearer now, she was so close to me I could smell her perfume. “I didn’t mean to say that about L but I heard you humming that tune and I saw red.” I had been humming a tune which L liked and which always reminded me of her. Just another horrible coincidence!

Tealy pulled at my arm, bringing my hands down from my face. The meanness had gone, she was now looking very earnest.

“I came here to talk to you, Bert,” she said. “I have to talk to you.”

“We have nothing to say.” I said hopelessly. “Why can’t you leave me alone? It’s bad enough that you keep sending me Emails and texts. You’ve got no right to barge into the one zlanny place where I’ve been happy.” something suddenly occurred to me. “And how in the stars did you know where I was anyway?”

Tealy’s face suddenly went deadly serious. She held out her arms and jingled her bangles. I went cold all over.

“I know all about you!” she ground out. “I know about the nightmares and the tears and the way you sit for hours staring into space! Happy? You’ll never be happy until we’re back together an nor will i.”

She knew. She had seen. Nothing was hidden from her. The sleepless nights, the lonely days, the weak moments when I would have forgiven anything, done anything, put up with anything just to have her back again, she knew about them all. It was invasion of privacy on a scale I could not even contemplate. The coldness was succeeded by heat, hot anger swept through me from head to toe.

“You’ve been spying on me with that zlendt wristicator!” I said in a trembling voice. “Oh how could you? You’re unbelievable, Tealy!”

She tried to talk to me but I didn’t’ want to hear. I could see a red haze in front of my eyes and a blur of tears. I remember screaming at her to get out. I remember running towards the French doors to my room. Then L was there, standing in her doorway in her robe, asking what on earth was going on. I blurted out something about Tealy spying on us and begged L to get her out of here, I hardly knew what I said. I was turning to run away when Tealy’s cut crystal voice stopped me. She was talking to L, not me, and her words cut through my rage and humiliation and deflated me like a burst balloon.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m going!” she spat. “Hey, why don’t you just marry him and have done with it? What chance did I ever have with you around?”

She zapped out then and left us there. L was white and shaking, I was also shaking with tears running helplessly down my face. The decking was littered with broken glass and stained with L’s spilled drink. Above us, grey clouds began to gather in a lowering sky.

I took hours to get back to anything approaching normal. I cleared up the mess on the decking, walked down to the sea and sat in a huddle on the sand, looking at the flat calm water. What was going to happen now?

As I sat there the shaking subsided and I began to feel calmer. In those awful weeks since Tealy and I had broken up I had thought if I ever saw her again, heard her voice, I would not be able to bear it. I had shied away from anything to do with her, stopped turning on my computer or phone for fear of seeing her Emails and texts, this had only increased my fear of her. Now the worst had happened. I had seen and heard her and I was still here, she could not do anything to me. Unless, of course, I let her. I seemed to feel knots of tension in my brain undoing themselves and flowing out of me into the sighing waves.

When I got back to the house L was in the hot tub. She called to me so I went quickly indoors, changed into swimming things and joined her. For a while we just sat in the bubbling water and relaxed and then L asked if I was feeling better. I knew that was only a preliminary to what she really wanted to know. Sure enough, after another silence she said:

“Bert, what did she mean?”

“What did who mean about what?” I hedged.

“I think you know.” L gave me a straight look. “You heard what Tealy said before she zapped out. What did she mean?”

I winced. I knew it would all have to come out now, it would be as bad as drawing a splinter, worse! How would L take it? Would things ever be the same again? Could they? I made one last desperate attempt to fend off the inevitable.

“Do we have to, L?”

She looked at me sadly. “Sweetie,” she said, “This time I think we do.”

So out came the whole story from the beginning. Every awful word of that terrible blazing row seemed to have been branded into my memory and I told L exactly what had happened, leaving nothing out. Then I told her about my visit to Mella and Derry and what I had learned there. I saw L’s eyes getting wider and her face getting sadder, but in the end a kind of understanding grew there.

“I can see why she picked on Derry,” she said. “From all you’ve told me he doesn’t trust humans and he really wants you to settle down. And you say Mella didn’t know a word? So what’s going to happen to them?”

“They’ll be ok now, L,” I said, “But it could have finished their marriage. I still can’t believe what she did. What could have happened to Derry and Mella, to you and Brian, to me.”

“Hmm,” said L thoughtfully, “No wonder you’ve been so devastated. Tell me what’s really getting to you.”

I sat in the warm bubbling water, feeling as if weights were lifting off my shoulders, and thought.

What was getting to me most? How much of this could have been avoided if only Tealy and I had made the time to talk more about what really mattered! I told L about how we had always had great times when we met, going out for lunch or dinner, or spending the day with my family, being with Mum and Dad or making the rounds of the cubes, but when had we ever made the time to be alone, to think where we were going, to talk about what we wanted, what mattered most to us? Hardly ever, if at all. I thought Tealy knew that I wasn’t ready to get married. Hadn’t that issue been skated over many times.

“L,” I said when I came to that bit, “I don’t know if I ever will be ready.”

“I know that, sweetie.” Said L quietly. “What else?”

“Well,” I said reluctantly, “There was some truth in some of the things she said.”

L raised her eyebrows at me.

“Oh don’t look like that, L!” I said. “I don’t mean about us, that’s just ridiculous and if she had a grain of sense she would know it!”

I thought back to my trial, the green star, the strictures of the lep code. I had told Tealy all about that ages ago. Tealy knew very well indeed, at least she ought to have known, that I would never have done anything to put myself in that kind of jeopardy again and that anyway l and Brian’s happiness meant everything to me and I would do nothing to upset it. Of course L and I were very close and I had good reason to thank the hand for it, that was until I had messed it all up, but it was as two dear and loving friends, nothing else. No, I told L, what I had meant was what Tealy had said about me never going to Elfhold and only meeting her where I felt comfortable. That bit was all too true. I had not examined my motives closely before, it just seemed to have turned out that way but I had not been to Tealy’s place more than two or three times, I felt gawky and out of place in the sophisticated halls of Elfhold and I had the feeling I always would, but I could have made more effort for her sake. Hadn’t she made the effort to fit in to my world? Still, I told L, why had she bottled all this up till now? If she was unhappy with the way things were she only had to tell me!

“It’s not always easy to tell things, sweetie,” said L, “You didn’t tell her about not being comfortable in Elfhold or not being ready to get married did you?”

“No, I suppose not.” I admitted.

“And she could have easily told me her worries about the way we are together,” went on L, “I could have put her straight in a second, but it’s not exactly something you can just come out with is it?”

“Hmm,” I said, “Might be difficult. Where do you start?”

“Quite,” said L. “What a mess! And you’re still not telling me the worst thing are you?” She gave me a hard look.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I bridled. “I’ve told you everything!”

“No you haven’t.” L’s gaze held mine across the hot tub. “Well I’ll tell you then. What’s really breaking your heart, my little one, is that in spite of everything she’s done, even spying on you and coming here like she did, you’re still in love with her. I’m right, aren’t I?”

What could I say? L knows me too well.

Under a darkening sky we got out of the hot tub and went back to the house. L said she only wanted salad for dinner and I went to the kitchen to get it ready. I was conscious, as we ate at the table beside the fountain, of an easiness between us that had been absent for a long time. For a while I wondered why this was and then, as L made a cheeky remark and I gave one back quick as a flash, I stopped wondering. I wasn’t guarding my tongue anymore. I wasn’t weighing every word before I said it in case I let something slip. That tight tenseness between us had gone, oh, thank the stars!

As I cleared things away in the kitchen a wind came up from the sea and I heard the first grumble of thunder. I looked out of the kitchen window and saw huge black clouds piling up in the sky. Stars, I thought, we are going to have a storm and a half, and the air will be all the fresher for it, I had better go around and close all the French windows and outside doors. I went around methodically shutting up the house. L was in the den talking on the phone to Brian. I did not like to interrupt them but the sky looked more and more threatening and I did not want to wait so I spoke from outside and was invited in.

I closed the French windows, drew the curtains and turned on the lamps for the evening just as the first heavy drops of rain began to rattle on the glass. L was sitting in her favourite sofa corner, her iPhone still in her hand, looking at me with that sad, uncertain look I had seen there so many times of late. The barrier was still there, I could almost see it. Only I could tear it down. Maybe she wouldn’t want it torn down anymore, maybe I had let this all go on too long, I thought dolefully. Oh well, if I did not try I would never know. I took a deep breath and walked up to her knee.

“Are you reading anything good at the moment?”

“Well,” she hesitated. “I did get the third book in the Russel blake Jet series we’ve been so in to but I, I haven’t felt like starting it.”

The hope on her face was almost too much for me.

“Oh wicked!” my voice sounded unbearably over cheerful. “We can start it this evening and then have a game of Lost Cities and I’ll thrash you like I always do!”

L’s face was a study in disbelief.

“But?” she said.

“Unless you don’t want to.” I suddenly lost my nerve.

“Has the seawater been clogging up your brains or what? Of course I want to!” Suddenly I was lifted on to her lap in my old place again as if nothing had ever been wrong between us. “You’ll have to cut down on the doughnuts,” she said, “You’re getting far too fat!” Then she was tickling my ribs and I was laughing till I had no more breath. Suddenly the laughing had turned to something else and while the thunder rocked the house, lightning split the sky and rain fell in sheets I underwent my own storm with my head pressed into a comforting shoulder.

The storm went on all night while L and I sat up in the den, we never did get around to starting the book. We played the odd game but mostly we talked, we seemed to have a lot to catch up on. At one point I booted up Imogen iPad, there were a ton of Emails to delete but also a heap of very worried inquiries from family members to answer. I was able to tell everybody that I was on the way up at last. Mum and Dad were beside themselves, I had not been to the colony and they did not know where I was. Luckily Mum had Emailed L and she had let them know that I was ok but she gave me a good ticking off for being out of touch for so long. Cassie was missing me and being a complete handful. I would have to go and see her soon.

“Tell you what, sweetie,” said L when she heard this. “Why don’t you zap there on Sunday, collect Cassie and bring her here for a few hours. It’ll give your Mum and Dad a much needed break and give Cassie a breath of sea air. Anyway, I’d love the chance to see her again.”

My stars! Didn’t someone nearly get hugged to death for suggesting that! What a great idea! I Emailed Mum straight away and told her I’d be there on Sunday to pick up Cass, asked her to put a pack together of things she would need for a day away as I had nothing for her down here. I felt a great lifting of the heart as I sent the Email, I could not wait to see my little Princess again!

The morning came with a sky as tenderly blue as a jay’s wing. The air was fresh and sweet, everything looked newly minted and washed clean. L went yawning off to get a few hours’ sleep but I felt far too wired. I put on swimming things and headed down to the sea.

The sand was cool and damp under my bare toes as I jogged down to the water’s edge. The sun was dappling the waves, it was going to be a hot day. I waded into the water and paddled along, idly looking for shells. The sea was cool and clear and I let it support me as I began to swim. I turned over on my back and floated, looking up at the sky. I suddenly realized I felt more at peace than I had for weeks. True, the sadness was still there, but it was bearable and in time it would get better, I knew. My brain was not shying away from things anymore like someone trying to bite on a sore tooth. Facing my worst fears and getting things out in the open had done that much for me.

And what of the future? L was right, I was still in love with Tealy. What was I going to do about that, I wondered. I didn’t know. Maybe one day I could learn to trust her again, maybe one day, when everything did not feel so raw we could both learn lessons and rebuild something, but not yet. No, not yet. I turned over and swam back to the beach.

Our last ten days at ClairGlorius were a joy. Brian arrived for the weekend in perfect early summer weather. I grilled steaks for us on the barbecue on Friday night and we spent Saturday in and around the pool.

On Sunday I zapped early to the colony and my stars, didin’t I get some curious looks as I walked down the thoroughfare. I was as brown as a berry from my days in the sun and it was so warm I was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, something you don’t see in the lep world. As I neared Mum and Dad’s cube I broke into my usual helter skelter run as Cassie was pulling me as hard as she could. Oh wow, didn’t it feel good to pick her up again, see those wonderful eyes and that gummy smile, feel her comforting weight in my arms! Mum had her things all packed up and ready. She and Dad were both looking completely worn out so I did not stay there too long, I soon had Cassie out in the zapping bushes and in a moment we were back at ClairGlorius.

We had an incredible day together there, I never wanted it to end. Cassie was a bit spooked at first by the wide sky and the waves breaking on the shore, she had never seen such open spaces. She soon got used to it, however, and she was soon having a high old time dabbling in wet sand with her fingers, playing with pretty shells and pebbles I found for her, watching little waves and the seabirds flying over and making me run her along the beach. She had as much fun back at the house where she soon became a water baby. She absolutely loved being in the hot tub with me and would have stayed in there for hours if I had let her.

Brian and L were very nice to us all day, they mostly left us to do our own things while they sunbathed and swam. Later L fed and looked after Cassie while I got us all something to eat and we were able to have some dinner while Cassie had a sleep. When she woke up there was time for one last walk along the beach and then I had to take her home to the colony.

I need not tell too much about our last few days at ClairGlorius, they really were the happiest I had there. Everything was all right between L and I, the worst of my mental anguish seemed to be over. I was eating properly, sleeping much better without bad dreams. Oh, I wasn’t ready for dancing, I still had times when I felt sad, when the dark clouds came over me, but I could see a way to go forward now, and I knew things would only get better with time.

We were due to leave on Friday June 14. The day before Brian drove up so that we could have one last evening together. The weather was nice but a little chilly so I offered to cook a nice dinner in the kitchen which we would eat beside the fountain. We all got smartened up for the occasion, Brian brought us Champagne, oh it was a wonderful evening.

The next morning we packed up the car and set off back to the Lair. As I watched beautiful, magical ClairGlorius getting further away I waved to it out of my window, sending it a fervent vote of thanks for helping me get my head straight again, and hoping I would see it again some day. I caught one last sight of its sparkling whiteness between the shady trees, then we turned a bend in the road and it was hidden from view.

I was ready for life to become quiet and uneventful when we arrived back here but it has been anything but, as you shall hear.

On Saturday June 15 we had our radio shows to attend to as usual and the day was as mad and hectic as it normally is. Brian and I were both concerned about L who was not well all day. On the Sunday morning things seemed not to be too much better but no worse than usual so I left to have my few hours with Cassie at the colony.

It was great to be back in the colony, though as it was a warm day the cubes were sweltering hot. Cassie and I made the rounds and everywhere I had to tell the story of ClairGlorius and describe the place right down to the last detail. I had got pretty tired of it by the end, let me tell you, and my voice was getting hoarse by the time I had to go back to get ready for Down for Double.

I arrived back in my closet and immediately knew something was wrong. There was no hum of voices or click of computer keyboards coming from the next room. I immediately dropped my things on my bed and raced next door. The place was deserted. Brian and L weren’t there, just the faces of L’s baby dolls and her baby monkey smiled back at me.

I grabbed for my phone. Surely I would have heard if a text or call had come in, but there had been a lot of noise in the colony and I could have missed something. Yes, sure enough, there it was. A very short text.

“L taken to hospital. No need to come home early. Will let you know more soon as I can.”

I think the next three hours were some of the longest of my life. I could not keep still so I did housework, cleaned, polished, vacuumed, dusted until every surface shone like a new pin. Finally I heard a key in the door and they were both there. Was I relieved or what? Brian told me that L had suffered a Migraine episode severe enough to cause him to call for medical help and L had been whisked in to be checked over. Once we had L settled I fixed us a bite to eat and after that we were all of us glad enough to put the day to bed.

And so here we are at this week. On Monday morning I had a very small scroll from Babsy, demanding to know why I was not answering her scrolls and telling me that if I did not answer this one she would choose a different mentor. I sent her a very long scroll, apologising very much and promising to do better in future. Brian worked from home on Monday but then took three days off work to help me look after L who is still not right after last Sunday. Actually she has been better these last two days, but it took her the whole week to get well after that scare and we have both been worried to bits about her.

Apart from taking care of L I have been incredibly busy this week with work for Brian who has several huge projects on hand. I have had headphones glued to my head for what feels like hours on end lately. I absolutely love audioproduction work, it is what I was originally hired for mostly, after all, and it feels so wonderful to really get my teeth into something big again!

I was deep in editing mode on Friday evening when the phone on L’s desk rang. Brian happened to be nearest so he answered it. He listened for a moment and then sounded very surprised indeed.

“Hello!” he said. “how are you?”

There was a pause and then he said: “Yes of course, he’s right here. No, don’t worry about that, I’ll get him straight away.”

Brian turned to me with the phone in his hand.

“Bert,” he said with a puzzled look, “Hinky’s on the phone, he’s calling from the States, says it’s important.”

I felt my stomach give a violent lurch. Hinky had never, since he left for the States, called me, not once. This could only have to do with one thing, or rather one person. I would have betted every article of Gap in my wardrobe.

“Hi, Hink,” I said into the phone.

“Hi, ya old imp,” the well-remembered Southern drawl came at me as clearly as if he were in the next room. “What’s cookin’?”

“Hot dogs and fries!” I said with a smile, it was one of our in-jokes. “never mind the small talk, big ears, we’re on transatlantic rates here. What’s wrong?”

There was an audible sigh.

“That little gal of yourn.” He said, and his voice sounded gloomy. “Listen, old buddy, I’s flummixed an’ that’s the truth!”

“She’s not mine anymore,” I said. “I told you that.”

“Oh sure, I got your mail about how you bruk up but the thang is I gets mails from her too.” There was an awkward pause. “Bert, Maybe I shoulda just kep out of it but we was close wunst, and all I done did was jest send her a mail sayin’ I was sorry fer her trouble, an’ now she won’t leave me be! She’s sendin’ me mails an’ mails about stuff I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout, you an’ her an’ poor Miz Bear, I doesn’t wanna read that stuff, t’ain’t no business o’ mine!”

“Well just tell her to stop it!” I was halfway between being amused and irritated.

“You ever tried telin’ Tealy to stop doing somethin’ specially when she’s sauced?” There was a moment’s deep silence.

“Well I don’t see what I can do.” I said, “If she won’t listen to you she certainly won’t listen to me!”

“That ain’t the wust though,” he said, sounding ever more miserable. “Bert, she says she wants to come an’ see me.”

“What? You don’t mean it!”

“She wants to come over here an’ see me. She says she needs to get right away from her place an’ get a change an’ see a old buddy she can really talk to!”

A turmoil of feelings were running through my brain at this news. Rage first, how dare she? How dare she pull that trick again, she had tried it when Hinky dumped her to go back to the States, she had tried to make him jealous by running after me. Now she knew that if she went after Hinky I would get to hear about it straight away. She was pulling our strings as if we were puppets. Under the rage though was sadness. I knew Tealy so well, I knew all her tricks and the way she thought. I should have expected this. It was such a silly way to behave. How could someone be jealous of that.

“Bert,” Hinky’s voice was quiet.

“Yeah?”

“I ain’t lettin’ her come over here. We both know what she’s up ter. I just thought It’d be better if’n ya heard it from me is all.”

“Thanks, Hink.”

We didn’t say much after that, but we ended that conversation in perfect understanding and accord with each other.

There aren’t many friends in the world like Hinky. There are five thousand miles and an ocean between us and we are about as different as two people can be. Sometimes he can irritate me to low country and back and I daresay I do the same to him, but we’ve shared some of the happiest days I’ve ever had, days I’ll never forget. I know if I ever needed him he’d drop everything and be there in a heartbeat and I’d do the same for him. Besides Brian, L and Cassie he’s the one person in this world I’m totally sure of.

Well yesterday was its usual hectic, mad self. Actually it was slightly quieter than usual because we only had L’s show to get out but Brian and I were busy in the evening with audioproduction so it still turned out to be hectic. I told Mum and Dad I would be late today because I really wanted to knuckle down and get this finished, but now, guess what? You are all up to date! Wahoo!

I hope you have had a good few weeks. Thank you so much, as ever, for reading my rambles, and I hope all goes well with you till I see you again. Right, must dash, there is a beautiful Princess with big blue eyes and a gummy smile wondering where on earth I have got to! I shall now go and spend some time with her.

Big smiles!