August 2012

August 3

Hi, Everyone.

Well there was a time this week when I thought I would never again be able to post a journal entry up here. I don't know if I can find the words to describe how glad I am to be sitting here on the sofa with my netbook, looking around the den at all the familiar things here, about to write everything that has happened over the last two weeks. Stars, I have done some idiotic things in my time, but what I did this week just about tops them all. What I nearly lost! But I am getting ahead of myself here, way ahead, let us go back a bit and I will bring you up to speed.

I last wrote on July 20. It took me a lot of that day to write the entry and I did not do a lot for the rest of the day except make dinner and laze about. I love to write, but it is pretty tiring. If I did not leave it so long I would not get so exhausted, but I am so busy these days I do not have time to write every day. Oh, excuses excuses, I know! Giggling here.

Saturday was its usual mad rush. We had two shows to get on the air. It is always manically busy, but it is work I absolutely love. The shows both went really well and afterwards there was wine and music and good conversation with my people, I was one happy lep when I fell into bed.

On Sunday morning I woke up at my normal time and went through the usual routine. The family were all chugging along ok on Facebook. Gem and Jewel were keeping everyone entertained for the moment, there were pictures of them and they really are beautiful younglings, I do not know when I have seen better looking ones. I saw Mella online and I had a chat with her, but things are just not right there and it really made me sad. I thought nothing in the world could ever come between Mella and I, but it seems I was wrong. She just would not stop sniping about elves and sprites. Talking of sprites, Korielle was about and from what I saw on her news feed she was doing a very good job helping Jockie, only she was not endearing herself to him by taking his bottle away from him whenever she could. I had to laugh!

When I had caught up I went into the den to get breakfast. We had a lovely happy breakfast all cosy around the table. Brian and L were all excited about the launch of some big new thing to do with the radio station, but they told me to hop off and enjoy my day at home while I could. I did not need telling twice and had soon zapped into the bushes outside the abandoned warehouse complex.

The first thing I did was to head for Mella's cube. I had decided I was not going to put up with this attitude of hers for one more minute. Either she took me as I was, or she did not. I was not going to put up with her snipes and gripes anymore.

The family was at breakfast when I arrived. The table was as bare as it had been the last time I was there. The lings stared miserably into scant bowls of oatmeal, Mella cut thin slices from a loaf of rough bread and Derry stared at his boots. Mella gave me a flat, hostile stare as I came through the curtain, quite unlike her usual sunny smile.

"Are you alone?" she demanded. "WE ain't got much but we don't need no elf food!"

"Can you see anyone else with me?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even.

"neh, suppose not. Do you want breakfast?" she said. "We ain't got no more porridge, but you can have some bread and there's nettle tea."

I declined the bread, the loaf was nearly gone, but accepted a cup of thin, pale green tea and sipped it unenthusiastically. Breakfast proceeded in silence, with Mella giving me murderous glares, Derry staring steadfastly at his plate and the lings all as quiet as mice. Finally, Mella broke the silence.

"Surprised you still want to drink our tea, Bert. Mum says you been going to Elfholds with that disgusting elf. You probably been drinking Earl Grey an' eating muffins there!" she almost spat. "Honest, Bert, ain't you got no pride? A lep didn't ought to take up with a disgusting elf! I mean, she ain't even pretty! Them ears! Ugh!"

I slammed my cup down on the table so hard that the cup broke into a million fragments and the tea spilled, leaving a spreading green stain on the wood.

"Mella." I said. my voice was the dangerous quiet it can get when I am really, really angry. "Shut the zblert up! If you say one more word about Tealy I am going to do something I will be sorry for."

The whole lot of them were staring at me as if I had gone mad.

"'ere Bert," Derry protested, "That was one of our good cups! and we ain't got that many! Where's we goin' to get a new one from? There wasn't no need for that!"

"I'm sorry about the cup." I said, my voice shaking. "But I've had it right up to here." I turned to Mella. "Can you hear yourself? Can you hear what you've turned into? I thought once that we were as close as two people could be, that nothing or no one could come between us. I wouldn't have cared if you'd married a Kelpie, nothing could separate us, Amarella! And now, after everything we went through together this year, you're turning against me because I won't share your attitude about other magical creatures. Well hear this and pay attention. To me a friend is a friend and I don't care if they're elf, sprite, pixi, gnome or human. The stars look down on us all, the moon shines on each of us. The Hand helps each of us in its different ways, even if we think it has never touched us and we call it by a different name. We might all look different, but inside we are the same, we have lively minds, loving hearts and spirits which reach out for the Hand. If you cannot see this then you're a fool and I'm sorry for you!"

There was a long, long silence. Everyone was staring at me. Then Mella jumped to her feet.

"I can't believe you!" she shouted. "I can't believe you'd desert your own kind and bring shame on us by taking up with a disgusting, rubbishy elf! And you'd be friends with sprites, trashy sprites and numbskull gnomes and humans? Humans what the hand never even touched? You didn't ought to be called a lep you..."

She would have gone on, but there was an unexpected interruption.

"Sit down an' shut up, Amarella."

It was Derry. He said it in such a loud voice that it cut off her ranting as if he had flipped a switch. I have to say I was surprised. Derry is a nice lep, but he is mild mannered, gets on with his job and helps with his lings and I have never heard him assert himself in his own cube before. What I heard him say now surprised me so much I felt my jaw drop.

"Yes, that's better. Shut up and stop behaving like a complete Zlurg!" Um, I have to say, that is not a nice word to use to a fem!

"I've 'ad to put up with you goin' on an' on about sprites an' elves an' stars know what mornin' noon an' night lately, an' I've 'ad it up to 'ere meself! Bert's got a perfec' right to be friends wiv anyone 'e likes, an' we got a right to some zlanny peace an' quiet! You're makin' me an' the lings zlanny miserable wiv your goin' on. Now for stars' sake give it a rest!"

Mella gave her husband a look as if the wall had suddenly come to life and started speaking. Then she picked up the empty porridge pot and with a scream of rage she threw it at the wall. Luckily the pot was made of metal, as was the wall, so apart from a loud clang there was little harm done, but all the lings began to cry. Mella put her head in her arms, leant over the table and burst into a storm of noisy sobbing, which only added to the decibel level in that confined space.

I stood up and turned to Derry.

"I'm sorry to have set this all off." I said to him. "But I couldn't put up with this anymore, I really couldn't."

"It's ok, Bert," he said, sighing. "It would 'ave 'ad to come from someone. I fink Dad was gettin' ready to say 'is piece sooner or later. It was better comin' from you. Better get out of Ere now. I'll see to the lings."

I needed no second telling and left, making a mental note to visit the pottery before I left and buy a new cup to replace the one I had broken. I went down to Mum and Dad's. It was lovely there, No lings were to be seen, just Mum standing by the stove stirring a pot of stew, Dad in his swinging chair and the homely quiet I needed.

Mum took one look at me, dropped her ladle, rushed toward me, installed me in a chair, knelt beside me and put her arms around me. She then asked me to tell her exactly what was the matter. If you have been reading this for any length of time you will know that I do not deal well with scenes and upsets and my emotions are always pretty near the surface. So just let someone come and cuddle me and ask what is the matter and it is absolutely fatal! I will draw a veil over the next fifteen minutes or so. I have to say I was rather embarrassed to go into boohoo mode in front of my Dad, who is about as macho as you can get, but Dad always surprises me. He pretended he wasn't there for a bit and then he got up, went to his store place in one of the corners and got out a bottle. Pouring a small quantity of clear liquid into a tiny tin cup he handed it to me.

"You won't like this, son," he said, "But I fink you need it. Drink up."

He was right about me not liking it. The raw spirit burned my throat and made me cough, but it produced a warm glow inside me and I began to feel a little better.

"What was that, dad?" I asked.

"Pottine from the Old Country." he said with a sly smile. "I keep it in case of emergencies. Now cheer up, our Bert. I know it was Ard saying what you did to our Mel, but she Ad to Ear it. An' she'll come round, you'll see. Don't fink about it no more. Come an' see Arf's younglings wiv us."

So I went with them down to Uncle Arf and Auntie Kitty's. Auntie Kitty was out of bed, though still looking frail. The younglings were gorgeous and we stayed a good while with them, I played with the younglings while the others talked. I even managed to get them to sleep, which earned me gold stars, as they had been fractious for a good part of the morning, according to Auntie Kitty.

We spent the rest of the day making the rounds of other family members. I spent time with Tovey and Lina, went to see Tuli and Shay and had a game with the boys, I even held PattiAnne, I am getting rather good with lings. I called in on Kas and Kori, as she now likes to be called and I had a lovely time at their cube. Kori is a joy to talk to and tells very funny stories, I laughed a lot and Kas looked so happy and so proud of his wife.

Before I left, I called at the pottery, bought a box of ten cups, very nice ones actually, took them to Mella and Derry's, pushed them under the curtain without going in and left quickly. From the sounds inside, a meal was being eaten and I did not want to interrupt that. I was pretty tired as I walked out to the bushes, ready to zap home, do a nice show and fall into bed.

I got back home to a chaotic scene. Plugs being pulled out and put back in, lots of key clicks, a fair amount of naughty words being used and general consternation. Usually when I have been out for the day I am welcomed back warmly, asked about my day, a bit of a fuss is made of me. Not this time. I was asked to come straight over and look at lights on the router. To cut a long long story at least a little shorter, there was a major problem with the Internet, which meant no show that night. Instead we all relaxed on the sofa, I told about my difficult day, Brian and L were very sympathetic and said I was absolutely right to do what I did. I went to bed exhausted, but feeling fairly ok about things.

I awoke in the morning to my usual Monday scroll tied in pink. Oh goody, I thought. I reached for it with an eager hand.

"Dear Uncle Bert."

"I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a bad report this week."

"Uncle it wasn't my fault it was that Sharielle she's such a nasty little Zlank she knocked me sufflay however you spell it out of me hand when I was getting it out of the oven. Ooh it did rise so beautiful high it was a inch over the top of the paper, an I was just bringing it to the table an she knocked it out of me hand on purpose she did. So there was a big bowl of eggs there, must of been fifty so I chucked them all at her head she did look funny Uncle! I had to go to Madam Lynnara again but I doesn't mean to be bad if they'd leave me alone I'd be ok. Sharielle said it was a accident but Madam Prim saw her do it so she's in trouble too ha ha!"

"May the sun shine on you always and oh you know it blah blah. Love you uncle. Babsy. xx"

That little monkey is going to get into as many scrapes as I did if she is not careful! Still, I am glad to see that she can make a Soufflé that is a nice high riser, that bodes well. I have not made one for three years as Brian hates anything which contains eggs. I might make a little one for L the next time he goes away somewhere though, just to see if I still can.

When I logged into Facebook it was unusually quiet. Nobody was saying much of anything. There was nothing from Mella and she was not online. I had a brief Email from Derry, thanking me for the cups. I also had an Email from Tealy saying that she was looking forward to seeing me that evening. We would meet at hers and she would cook dinner. Zlendt! Brian and L were going to do Down for Double tonight because they had not been able to do it last night, I thought. Were they going to need me to stay at home?

I went out into the den to ask them. There was no one about when I came in and I got breakfast all ready before they showed up. I asked my question and they immediately gave me permission to be absent for the evening, as it was a date which I had previously made. This is typical of how kind they are to me always and puts what was to happen later in an even worse light!

I spent most of Monday helping around the Lair in any way I could. I did a lot of Audio production work, some housework, also cleaned and tidied my own little domain. At about four I got my pass into the Elfhold. At seven I zapped off to Highgate tube station, made my usual stomach churning entrance into the Elfhold and hopped a floater to Tealy’s flat.

Tealy was waiting for me, looking gorgeous in a floaty floral chiffon skirt, a pink lacy top, pink lace bows in her hair and pale pink sandals. I smiled when I saw her. That awful silver lurex cat suit might have been a nightmare, or something another elf had worn.

It was a hot night and Tealy opened a door which let us out on to a balcony. From there we could look down on another of the Elfhold’s many shopping and eating areas. It was twinkling with fairy lights, you could feel a lovely breeze, though where it came from I do not know, the sounds of the many wind chimes were wafted up to you. On the balcony a table was laid for dinner and we sat out there, eating cold chicken in a creamy curry sauce and crisp salad and drinking chilled white wine. For dessert there was strawberries and clotted cream. It was just a lovely evening and I would have been sorry to leave if I was going anywhere but home to the Lair and my lovely comfy closet.

The next few days were uneventful. No special news from the family, everyone was doing ok as far as I could tell. There was complete silence from Mella, the occasional awkward mail from Derry, my usual daily dose of chat from Tealy. I stayed at home, worked very hard at audio production and housework, looked after L who was not at all well those days and life went on.

On Friday morning after breakfast I was politely asked if I would please go into my closet, as there were visitors coming. Scott, the artist, was coming to discuss the final picture in a series he has been doing for the Team-Fm website. Now I freely admit I hate being shut in my closet when visitors come. I like Scott, besides which he knows me perfectly well, so I acquiesced to this request with exceedingly ill grace indeed. I should have known that Scott was to be joined by L’s parents who still think I am a figment of L’s fertile imagination. This made me even more grumpy, as L’s parents look nice and I really would like to come out and meet them. By the time they had all gone I was in something of a sulk, no, let us not whitewash things, I was in a major sulk which did not abate as the day went on. I managed to get through the day ok, I just pushed the sulkiness down, but with me, pushing things down is never a very good idea, bad things are apt to come of it.

Saturday was manic as usual. We were all very busy from the moment we got up. I usually love Saturdays, they are one of my favourite days of the week. That day it was as if the niceness had been taken off everything. You know how it feels if you are not at your best, if you have a cold or are feeling under the weather? Nothing feels good or tastes right. It was like that with me. I had got myself into a right state and nothing felt good anymore, it was pretty pathetic really!

Well, we got through the shows and afterwards Brian, L and I usually relax, have a glass of wine, hear some nice music and talk. It is my favourite time of the week bar none! Only this time I said I was tired and had a headache and went off to bed. I mean, duh! How stupid can you get? A lot more stupid, as you will hear.

On Sunday I got up, did a cursory check of my Facebook, nothing new there, still not a squeak out of Mella, read my Email, not much there, just my usual daily one from Tealy and a ream of rubbish from Hinky and finally went into the den to make breakfast. We all ate together and Brian and L were so nice to me that I began to feel better.

I went off for my day out with a bit more spring to my step. I had a very nice day, doing the rounds of all the cubes, talking to my family, playing with lings, holding younglings, I especially spent a good bit of time with Gem and Jewel. The one place I did not go was to Mella’s and that made me very sad. Mum and Dad said I had best leave them alone for now. Mella would not talk about me at the moment except to say she never wanted to speak to me again.

This news put me into rather a black frame of mind which was made blacker when I got back to help Brian and L get ready for Down for Double. L mentioned in passing that Scott was coming over again in the morning to bring the finished picture and that then her parents were going to look in detail at the website, so I would need to stay in my closet until everyone was gone. Oh great, I thought, more time in my closet! Why did they not just lock me in there all the time, unless they wanted something doing and have done with it?

Well, we got Down for Double done, I doing just about enough not to get myself into trouble, but no more. After that Brian and L had some wine and I went to my closet and got on Twitter. Bad idea! Brian, L and I usually have a jokey kind of banter going on there when we tweet at each other, but this time it went too far. I was furious, especially with Brian and said some stuff I really shouldn’t have. It was masked in jokiness, but he saw it for what it was and he was not pleased. He told me off publicly, which made me downright wild! I shut down Nia Netbook and paced the floor, working myself up into a fury. Here I had been working for him all this time, I thought, I always did whatever he wanted, went wherever he wanted, never complained and now I could not even make a harmless little joke without being told off for all my followers to see as if I was a naughty child, not a grown lep of thirty-three! It was so unfair it was unbearable!

I need not point out that this was absolutely absurd, if not a downright wicked thing to think about the person who has been so good to me, given me more freedom than any working lep has a right to, pays me a wage when he does not have to, I could go on. To say I am ashamed of myself is putting it mildly, I have tears in my eyes writing this. Anyway, I will go on with the story.

I did not sleep very well that night. Thoughts went round and round in my head. I thought of writing to Shana-Sherin and asking to be relieved of my post on the grounds of irreconcilable personality conflict. They usually allowed that one. You might be thinking how silly I was acting, being so angry just because I had been asked to stay out of the way for my own safety. You would be right. But you know how it is, when you get angry it blows up and up and up like a snowball, it gets bigger and bigger until the original cause of why you’re angry seems almost irrelevant. I thought of every time Brian had said anything even slightly grouchy to me and it made me even madder at him. I thought of all the times I had been made to stay at the Merseyside tomb instead of being allowed to stay here with L at the Lair while he was working. And L? Do not start me on that. I do not even want to think about what I thought of Brian for daring to be friends with L, never mind anything more, even though it was because of him that I was here in my lovely comfy closet in the Lair. Stars, it was an awful night. Childish anger, jealousy, self-pity and spite roiled about in me for hours.

I dozed in and out and finally got up at my usual time, red-eyed and leaden-footed. My little scroll was on my pillow. I snatched it up with a snarl and read the following:

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a good report this week.”

“Uncle, guess what? Sharielle got a proper wigging about knocking me sufflay out of me hand, oh it was brilliant. I’ve done all right in all me lessons and got a gold star for me chocolate cream pie. Madam Prim says me pastry is as light as a fether. Fevver. Don’t look right oh well bust it! Sharielle is sucking up to me now axing me to help her with her pastry which you could use to make bricks, only I won’t, the zlank!”

“May the sun shine blah blah blah not writing it so there love B. xx.” Even that could not raise a smile from me that morning.

When I went into the den, L was looking pale and Brian stony-faced. L asked for fruit salad and I got that chopped up while I fried Brian’s usual bacon and sausages.

I put Brian’s plate in front of him, poured the coffee, tried to listen to L telling me about what was to happen that morning, but you could cut the tension in the room with a knife. When Brian complained that I had burned his breakfast on purpose and told me to take it away, the whole thing just erupted. If I had not been so careful of L’s beloved Korell, which she has imported from the US, I would have thrown the plate at his head. AS it was, when I had scraped the plate’s contents into the bin I threw a regular wobbler and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

I was going to go to my closet and write to Shana-Sherin straight away, but something made me stay just outside the door to the den. I heard L asking Brian what on earth was going on. I heard Brian say I was getting above myself and my anger stoked up another notch. Then he said he, Brian, would have to do something about this.

“Like what?” asked L.

“You’re not going to like this, I warn you.” Said Brian.

“Tell me anyway.” Said L.

In the next second, every scrap of air was knocked out of my body. I crumpled to the floor. I had heard Brian say he was going to write to Shana-Sherin about me.

I heard no more, because I ran to my closet and shut myself in. I sat on my bed and put my head in my hands. My stupid anger and hurt pride was gone now and all I could feel was fear. If Brian wrote to Shana-Sherin he would write to Madam Lynnara, who would refer the matter to Professor Delian. Professor Delian and I detested each other heartily and old Delian had been sorely disappointed at not being able to have me locked up after my trial. If he had even the slightest suspicion of a cause he would have me locked up, locked up tight. What could I do?

Simple. I could go out there, apologize to Brian and L, accept whatever punishment I had richly earned and that would be the end of it. Only my anger chose that moment to kick in again. No, I thought, I would see him in the low country before I did that! I had not done anything except make a harmless joke and ask to sit on the sofa with L after they had pushed me out for the whole zlanny morning, what had been the harm in that? I had not been cheeky and rude like he had said, I had not! If he wanted me out, I would get out. Fine! If that was the way he wanted it, that was how it would be. Only I was not going to wait for old Delian Dogface to get involved! Oh no I was not!

I jumped up, grabbed my backpack, opened my wardrobe and started snatching whatever clothes came to hand. I was midway through stuffing things into my pack, in a shower of falling coat hangers, when L knocked at my door. I told her to go away. I knew that if she came in, apart from the fact that she would see what I was doing, I would cry all over the place and I did not need that then! She pleaded to be let in but I was firm. I told her I would be out in the afternoon to work, but that now I needed to be on my own. She eventually went away.

When my backpack was full I packed Nia Netbook into her bag, got my phone, put on my coat and took one last look around my beloved closet, thanking it for all the happiness it had given me. I really never expected to see it again. Then I zapped out. Honestly, what a pathetic little twerp I was!

I zapped to Highgate tube station. I had thought of going to the colony, but that was the first place anyone would think to look for me. It was certainly the first place Brian and L would think of, if they looked for me at all. I needed to go somewhere no one would find me. The only place I knew was Tealy’s flat, if she would consent to hide me there.

Highgate tube station was crowded with people and I made haste to find somewhere to hide. I squeezed behind a big hoarding and used my phone to call Tealy. She answered sounding surprised.

“Darling!” she squealed. “Where are you? This is unexpected.”

“I’m behind a hoarding on Highgate tube station.” I told her quietly. “Tealy, I need a pass, I mean like now. I need to stay in your flat a night or two till I can think of somewhere else to go. Can I?”

There was a silence at the other end. I could hear what sounded like a car engine.

“I’d better come and pick you up.” She said. The ditsy way of talking had suddenly vanished. “Which hoarding are you behind?”
I told her.

“Good. Stay there, I’ll come as fast as I can, just wait for me.” And she was gone.

I stayed crouched where I was and very uncomfortable it was too. After about ten minutes I heard a sound which had no right to be in a train station, namely the revving of a car engine. I looked out from behind the hoarding and goggled!

A small, sleek sports car was driving along the station concourse, weaving in and out of people who did not seem to notice it. Apart from its roaring engine it would have been difficult to ignore as it was painted a luminescent pink and had silver wheels. It shot along the concourse with its top down. AS it came towards me I could see a pair of big ears peeping out, quivering in the back draft. The car screeched to a stop beside the hoarding and Tealy leapt out. She was clad in a pink suede suit, pink high-heeled boots, many jangling gold bangles and pink velvet hair bows.

I was about to jump out from behind the hoarding, but Tealy raised a hand. “Unless you want to cause a riot, I’d stay right there if I were you.” She said in a peremptory voice far away from her usual lilting tones. “Move over, I need to fix you up.”

With complete mystification I squeezed over an inch or two and Tealy came behind the hoarding too in a cloud of perfume which set me coughing.

“Don’t look at me like that, darling,” she said with the ghost of her usual smile, “This is my work gear, I can’t help it. Now stay still and be quiet.” She made a fluttering gesture with her right hand and I suddenly felt as if someone had thrown a pint of cold water over me. I shivered.

“There.” She said. “That’s a NoSeeMee spell so no one will see you, there is already one covering me and the car. You can come out now. Get into the car and let’s be off. I only have an hour off work and they didn’t really want to give me that long.”

I needed no second bidding, I jumped into the passenger seat of the sports car, Tealy got in beside me, the engine roared to life and we were off. Tealy drove the car straight at one of the ticket machines! Instead of the splintering crash I was expecting, the car passed straight through the machine and began gently dropping downwards into the Elfhold.

“Now, what has been going on, darling?” she said, leaning back.

I told her the whole story, while she listened, her big ears cocked to one side. Before I was finished she had begun to steer the car, which was now floating rather than driving on the ground, down passages towards her flat.

“And so you ran away?” she said finally. “Exactly what is that going to achieve?”

I stared at her. I had not thought it out, but she was right. Running away was going to get me nowhere, in fact I was now in worse trouble than ever.

“Wouldn’t it be better if you let me take you back to the Lair?” she asked, “You can probably get back before Brian and L know you’ve even gone. You can just make up your differences with them, apologize and everything will be all right.”

I wavered. It all seemed too easy. I was about to agree when I thought of Brian writing to Shana-Sherin. I just could not risk that. I would do anything rather than have that happen.

“NO!” I said it so loud Tealy’s sensitive ears twitched violently. “Sorry, but I can’t. Brian will hand me over to Shana-Sherin. I won’t go through another trial. I’ll do anything else! Just let me stay tonight, then I’ll think of somewhere else to go.”

Tealy agreed, but she looked very troubled. We got to her flat and she showed me a small room, tastefully decorated in a pretty oriental print. I put my backpack down and we had a quick cup of tea before Tealy had to go back to work. She told me to help myself to anything I needed.

When she had gone back to work I moped around Tealy’s beautiful home. It was so strange to have everything my size, not to have to hover up to counters or climb or jump to get on to the furniture. I did a little desultory unpacking, then I got Gallinda, my IPhone, thinking I would have a game. As I touched it into life I was brought up short. The wallpaper was a picture of Brian and L. They were sitting close together on our big sofa, looking so happy. I could almost feel the sofa, it looked so real. I suddenly missed the Lair with a pain so sharp it was like tooth ache. I looked at Brian, trying to remember all the things I was so angry about, but all I could think of was all the great times we had had and all the many amazing things he had done for me.

At that moment my text alert went off and my heart hit my boots. It was from L. “Bert, please come home or let us know that you are safe. We are very worried. We don’t understand why you have done this. L.”

A few minutes later I had another text. “Bert, please come home now. Brian.” I switched my phone off.

I have just thought of something. Brian could well have ordered me to come home. I would have had to go. But he knows that an order is a terrible thing for a working lep to receive. How can I explain? Most working leps never receive an order, it is our brief to do anything we are asked to and straight away. We never have to be ordered. An order given to a working lep is a black mark on his working record. If we are ordered, we cannot disobey, it is a physical thing. The only things our employers cannot order us to do is to harm or kill a human, our employer or anyone else. If Brian ordered me to smash every single piece of L’s precious china I would have to obey, even though it would just about break my heart, knowing how she prizes it. But I physically could not disobey him. I do not know what would happen to me if I even tried. It is not like that thing I have read in books where a magical creature disobeys an order and then bangs his head on the table or shuts his ears in the oven door. I would not have that luxury. I could not do anything but what I was ordered to do.

But Brian did not order me home. He wanted me to come back willingly or not at all. Of course, once I got back… but I will get to that later.

I booted up my Netbook, I had no way of getting on to Tealy’s net, so I just nerdled about, listened to some music and had a game or two of this and that. Later I went into the kitchen and cooked a nice dinner with what food I found in the fridge and cupboards.

Tealy came home from work at about six, looking tired. She said little to me of the day’s happenings apart from asking if I had heard from Brian or L. When I said I had heard from both she frowned.

“What about your family,” she said, “Don’t you think you had better let them know you are all right?”

I agreed that I had and so we got Nia Netbook connected to her network and I sent Mum and Andi a little note, letting them know I was safe. I thought those two would let everyone else know.

When Tealy had exchanged the pink suede for a silk kimono with a huge gold dragon crawling over it from neckline to hem and a pair of swan’s down mules, We ate the food I had cooked, sitting in the lounge with our plates on our laps. To my horror, Tealy pressed a button which caused part of the wall to slide away revealing a large TV. She turned it to a channel which seemed to specialize in wall to wall soap operas and spent the rest of the evening with her huge eyes glued to the screen. I spent the rest of the evening trying to work out which pair of huge ears, gaudy outfit and squeaky voice I hated the most and trying not to think about Brian and L. I failed miserably on the last count. I thought about our lovely den, the big squashy sofa, no TV. I felt tears coming to my eyes and made my excuses, escaping to my room where I burrowed down into my bed and, I am not ashamed to own it, cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I was up at my usual time but I had not the heart to go through the usual trawl on Facebook to see what was happening with the family, as I knew I would be the chief topic of conversation. I went into the kitchen, thinking I would get something nice for Tealy’s breakfast. I found Tealy flying about, already dressed in another close fitting suit, this one in emerald green satin, with a purple top which she looked to have been sprayed into, pointy purple shoes and clanking purple and silver bangles. Her hair was tied up in green and purple scrunchies. The whole effect made me feel queasy. Tealy was drinking something green and disgusting which very nearly matched the colour of her suit with one hand and applying makeup with the other.

“Ah, there you are, darling.” She said, looking at me in the mirror. “I’ve just had an Email from Lulu. She wants to meet me. I’ll be bringing her here to the flat at about four today, so mind you stay out of the way. Whatever you hear her say, however upset she is, stay in your room and don’t come out, do you understand me?”

“L?” my mouth fell open in horror. “What does L want to see you for? Why are you bringing her here?”

“Oh, don’t be dense, darling,” snapped Tealy in a voice I had definitely not heard her use before. “She wants to know where you are and I want you to hear what she has to say. I haven’t time to argue the point, I have to get to work. They aren’t pleased at me taking more time off, so I’ve got to work an extra shift.”

And with that, she pocketed her compact and mirror, shut her makeup case and whisked out of the kitchen. A moment later I heard the front door slam.

I will not even try to describe my day. To say that it was agony would not even begin to get there. I see-sawed between missing the lair, being terrified of Shana-Sherin, hating Brian for putting me in this position and hating myself for being so zlendt stupid after Brian had been so good to me. As the day wore on, the last emotion was winning, mixed with fear of Shana-Sherin. I began to see that I had had no real cause to be angry at all, but if I went back now, would I not be handed straight over to Shana-Sherin? For being absent without leave apart from anything else.

At a quarter to four I went into my bedroom and stationed myself by the partly open door so that I could look out and see what went on. At just before four O’clock, Tealy appeared with another tiny person. It took me a minute to realize that it was L, made my size by the FittIn charm! How I did not run straight out to her I do not know. It took every ounce of willpower I had, plus Tealy’s express wish that I should stay where I was. In an Elfhold, the host’s word is law. You don’t go against it.

Well, L and Tealy began to talk and as I listened my dilemma deepened. I heard how much worry and trouble I had caused the humans I cared so much for. I heard Tealy refuse to let L see me and my resolve was tested again to its limit. I then heard L break down in tears as she left a message for Tealy to deliver to me, begging me to come home and letting me know Shana-Sherin were not involved and would not be, that this would be sorted out between us.

“He’s our lep,” she wept. “He’s like our family. Please tell him, Tealy. WE miss him and we want him to come back.”

When Tealy had put a sleep spell on L and sent her back to the Lair I came out of my room in a worse muddle than before. I saw now with absolute clarity that what I had done on the day before had been absolutely crazy. But what would happen if I went back. Would brian not be really angry? Would he not just hand me straight over to Shana-Sherin and be done with it, in spite of what L had said?

Tealy went back to work and did not come home till late. When she did arrive, she was tired and not in the best of tempers. She had brought takeout food, which we again ate on our laps in front of the goggle box. Before we went to bed my brain was a roiling cauldron. I could not think straight and tiredness was not helping. I had not had a proper night’s sleep since Saturday, so I asked Tealy to put a sleep spell on me, which she did.

When I awoke in the morning Tealy had already left for work. There was a little note on my pillow.

“Darling, when you want to leave, take a floater and ask it to take you to Highgate Exit. The exit pass has been sent to your phone, which you’ll need to switch on to receive it. You know how to get out. Once you’re in the station you can zap home. It’s been wonderful having you. Sorry if I’ve been scratchy, I’m not at my best on work days. Love Tealy. Xx”

“PS: I know you’re going back. It is the right thing. You belong with Brian and L.”

I smiled at the note and dropped a kiss on it. She was right. I certainly did not belong here, though it was nice visiting. I picked up my phone and pressed the power button, holding it in for three seconds.

As soon as it came to life I was overwhelmed with a flood of text messages. I made myself look at every one, though I was in tears before the end of them. Texts from Mum and Dad, asking what was going on and where I was and why, if I was in trouble, I hadn’t gone to them. Texts from Brian, assuring me that we could get this sorted and asking me to come home. Texts from L that I cannot even write about, I will just start all over again. I made myself read every single one. I also finally received the exit pass which I needed to get out of the Elfhold.

I packed my things, wrote a few words of thanks to Tealy on the back of the note she had left me and then I went home.

Brian and L were having breakfast when I arrived at the Lair. L would have run to me, but Brian told her to let me be. He asked me to explain why I had run away. I did, but it all sounded terribly lame. He then asked why I had come back. I think that sounded better. I told him that the only place I wanted to be was at the lair, if I was still welcome. When he said I was, I thought that was it, sorted. But that would have been too easy.

He said that the Twitter thing as I had said, seemed a bit silly, but that we had to have an understanding. Jokes were one thing, cheek was another. I was ok with that, I really was. And then came the last thing I was expecting.

“You said you always did anything I asked and that’s very true,” he said, “I’ve never had to give you an order, have I?”

“no you have not,” I said, “And I hope you never will!”

“Bert, I’m sorry,” he said, “But I’m giving you one now.” I went cold all over. An order. I was being given an order. “I am ordering you not to leave this house without permission again, is that clear?”

“Yes,” I said. And it was clear. Even when I justly deserve to be punished, Brian is good to me.

Yes, I now have a black mark on my record. I am ok with that I have richly earned it. But can you see what that order means? It means I physically cannot do this kind of stupid, silly, crazy thing again. I learned later that day that Brian had received an Email from Professor Delian asking if it was true that I was absent without leave. If I had not returned just when I did, he would have had to answer that I was. Then the whole matter would have been out of Brian’s hands. I would have been in deeper trouble than I know how to tell you! For a lep to leave his post and go awol, well, I might just as well go to the lockholes and throw away the key. Now, thanks to this order, I cannot get myself into this kind of trouble ever again. I cannot say this often enough. I am just the luckiest lep in the whole wide world to work where I do!

Once the order had been given and I had felt the cold tingle go down my back, it was as if nothing had happened. I went to my closet, unpacked, helped L wash up breakfast, Brian wrote to Shana-Sherin saying that no I was not Awol and we had a lovely day. L and I snuggled on the sofa for most of it, playing IPhone games and just being lazy. It is just so fantastic to be back here!

I got up on Thursday, went through my morning routine, logged on to Facebook to a barrage of questions about what the Zbalane I had been up to. I did not answer any of them. I just said wherever I had been I was back. I will tell Mum and Dad the whole thing, they will have to know about the order, they will not like it. I went into the den once I was caught up, there was no special news. I made a lovely breakfast for Brian and L and spent the rest of the day working hard and you had better believe I worked my rear off to make up for the days I had been away and worried them!

And so we finally come to today. I woke up this morning and went through my normal routine. I was not expecting anything much to be happening, but boy oh boy! Was I wrong! It seems Derry was out foraging last night. He and Mella have been trying to fend for themselves lately, rather than draw colony rations and from what I can see a very poor job they are making of it. Anyway, Derry was out foraging and he got hit by a car and has broken his leg and has two cracked ribs plus a lot of cuts and bruises into the bargain.

This is very bad news indeed. It will leave Mella and the five lings completely dependent on the charity of neighbours, or Mum and Dad, or the rest of the family. Mella is a lot stronger, but she will never be the way she was after what happened in April and she certainly cannot go out foraging, besides there is no one to mind the lings except Mum who has more than enough to do. If you ask to have yourself taken off the colony ration list you cannot go back on it again for three months. you have to try for that long to fend for yourself. I do not know how Mella and the lings are going to feed themselves, let alone Derry.

I went to get breakfast in a very thoughtful mood. When I told Brian and L about what had happened to Derry they were very sorry indeed. L ate her pancakes thoughtfully and then amazed me.

“Get Tealy to help.” She said.

“What? You know what Mella did when Tealy tried to help before.” I said.

“Yes, but if it’s a choice between that and an empty table, I don’t think she’d let the lings go hungry.” Said L, licking lemon syrup off her fingers. “You might try it on Sunday and see.”

So, there’s something for me to think about!

I have spent the rest of today writing and I am about to start cooking a nice dinner. Then we shall have some wine and relax in our usual cosy way.

I hope you have all had a nice couple of weeks. Thanks for reading my ramble as ever. I will let you all know what Mella says on Sunday, if she has not murdered me. See you again soon. Big smiles.

August 17.

Hi everyone.

Well here I am again you see. Not quite dead, although it was a pretty near thing, let me tell you! It has been a fairly quiet two weeks here at home, although I have had a big new thing to adapt to, which has taken some doing, but it has been quite a fortnight where the family is concerned, oh stars! What is it with this family? Drama drama drama! All right, are you sitting comfortably, as they say? Then I'll begin! I do not know where that comes from, it is something L says when she is about to launch into one of her long stories. Oh, shut up, Bert and get on with it! Ok, sorry, deep breath, start again!

Nothing much happened for the rest of the day after I finished my last entry. The next day was Saturday, which is always completely mental. This day was, in some ways, worse than usual even though we only had one show to get on. L had been ill off and on all week and that day she just was not well enough to work, so Brian and I took care of her in between franticly getting ready for what we needed to do. We were busy but I made time for my Facebook and Email check as I wanted to see how Mella and Derry were. I wrote to Mella, letting her know I was sorry for what had happened and asking what I could do to help. I did not get an answer. I heard from Mum that Mella would not let anyone in to help Derry but old Jockie, who was getting more out of it every day. Mum said Tovey had done his best to bring them some food, but Tovey has a family of his own to feed, as well as his own work for the colony to do. She said the lings were all hungry, even though everyone was doing what they could. I wrote back and told her about my plan, well, L’s plan really, but the more I thought about it the more it seemed like a good idea. I also said to Mum that we had somehow to get Korielle in to see to Derry and she agreed with me. She was very worried at the idea of Tealy using her magic to produce food for Derry and Mella, but said it would certainly take the strain off everyone, if Tealy would be willing to do it and if we could only get Mella to stop being such a stupid Zlank, that was her word not mine and agree for the lings’ sake if not her own!

I sent a quick mail to Tealy, explaining the situation and asking if she would help. I hoped to hear from her during the course of the day, but I got busier and busier and just did not have time to check as things hotted up towards show time. When Brian came off air we had a glass of wine together and I checked my Email via my phone. There was a mail from Tealy saying she would love to help. She suggested we meet tomorrow at the colony at about ten in the morning by the zap bushes and then we could go in together. I approved of this. That way I could introduce Tealy to Mum and Dad, we could visit for a while before bearding the lion in her den. I went to bed feeling a mixture of nerves and determination. Mella was not going to let Derry and the lings go hungry through her stupidity and stubbornness, not while I could do anything to stop it. She was not!

When I awoke in the morning I felt sick with nerves. This could all go horribly wrong and probably would. I went through my normal morning routine and logged into Facebook. There was nothing much new. Kori was online and I had a chat with her. I thought I may as well be hung for a troll as for a pixi and told her to come along to Mella’s with me and Tealy this afternoon. I said we would come to her cube to collect her and we would all go together. It really was high time poor Derry got better healing than old Jockie could give him! Kori agreed and said she would do whatever she could, if she was allowed to but so far Mella had been adamant that she was not allowed over the threshold. Honestly! My stupid, stupid sister, I was so angry with her!

Well I went into the den and got a lovely breakfast for Brian and L. I made fruit salad, bacon and sausages, pancakes for L and myself and lots of coffee. We sat around the table all eating and chatting. Once I had everything cleared away, I got myself ready, said goodbye to Brian and L who wished me luck, then I left for the colony, wondering if I would come back in one piece!

When I arrived at the zap bushes Tealy was already there. It was a beautiful sunny day and she looked fresh, cool and pretty in a pink and white candy striped skirt and a crisp white top with a round neck and capped sleeves. She wore strappy white sandals and her hair was tied with pink and white scrunchies. She gave me a dazzling smile and linked her arm in mine. The scratchy, snappy elf in the tight suits might have been someone else and I sighed with relief. I was totally comfortable with this Tealy. We walked down to Mum and Dad’s cube together, chatting easily.

When we got to Mum and Dad’s the place was heaving! Uncle Arf was there, he had brought about eight of his lings as well to give Auntie Kitty and the twins some peace. Lina and some of her brood were also there. Everyone’s eyes were out on stalks as we walked in arm in arm.

I really do love my Mum and Dad! Whatever they thought they were completely unfased. Mum turned around from where she was cutting cake and came towards us. Dad got up from his swinging chair too.

“Bert!” Mum said. “Glad to see you. This must be Tealy! Find yourself a seat, sweetie pie and have a cuppa. Don’t mind this rowdy lot, they’re a lot of ‘ooligans. Now, you lings behave or you won’t get no cake! Don’t you know it’s rude to stare?”

Tealy was brilliant! She gave Mum’s hand a big squeeze and the same with Dad, then she sat down and in two seconds had lings swarming all over her, on her lap, on her shoulders, everywhere! They stroked her furry head, they pulled her ears, they oohed and aahed at her clothes and her hair and her bangles, silver ones today, very delicate, I forgot to say. She just chattered and laughed and squeaked if they got too rough. She might have lived in the colony all her life, I was proud of her.

Well word got around, the cube filled up with more relatives, more lings, Mum brewed more tea and the cake started to run out and Mum looked worried. Tealy saw it, got up from her chair and went over to Mum. She whispered in Mum’s ear. Then she bent over where Mum had been working, I could not see what she did. She sauntered nonchalantly back to her chair and Mum went on cutting cake. Everyone was so busy talking that they were not noticing anything except that the cakes kept on coming, but I saw.

Where there had once been the end of a marigold loaf and about three buttercup cakes, there was now a huge rose cake, decorated with petals of spun sugar, plus flower petal cakes in about ten varieties, plus and this had everyone in raptures, a violet roll!

Violet roll is almost unheard-of in our colony. You have to find the violets first in the early spring, that takes some doing! Then you have to preserve them in just the right way so that they stay sweet and tender. Then you have to find the right ingredients to make the lightest imaginable cake. Then you have to get cream from a dairy or farm somewhere, which is a terrible risk and whip it with honey or nectar or whatever sweet thing you have and mix in your violets to fill the roll. Some of the violets go into the cake too. All of this is just such a huge undertaking. Only the very richest leps or the best foragers can ever get the things together to make violet roll. WE certainly never had it on our table before, I had only ever eaten a tiny slice once at Shana-Sherin. Now here was a huge one, sparkling with spun sugar threads and decorated with sugar violets. WE all just goggled as Mum began to cut us each a slice. There was enough for us all. You know what I think about wild food, but I have to say, that violet roll was incredible, delicious, just yummy in the extreme! Everyone knew that Tealy had produced it but no one cared. She got top marks with everyone, not just for being able to produce such great food but for being so nice and kind.

Eventually it was time to go to Mella’s. We had decided to go at about lunch time so that we could see exactly what the lings had, or did not have. Kori and Kas had joined the gathering at Mum and Dad’s, so it was easy to make a quiet exit and head for Mella and Derry’s. As we three walked down the thoroughfare towards their place my heart began to quake. I hate scenes and I was sure there was going to be one.

When we arrived I told Tealy and Kori to wait outside the cube while I went in first to see what was what. I put my head around the curtain to find the lings sitting at table. Mella was pouring boiling water over a conglomeration of rank looking weeds in the teapot. On the table was a heel of a loaf, some hard cheese and a pot which contained something which smelled like it had come out of a stable. All the lings looked miserable and Milly was crying.

One usually asks for permission to enter a cube if there is no door, but I was so angry I forgot myself. The site of the brown mush in the pot just completely sent me over the top. I rushed in without waiting.

“Mella, for stars’ sake! What the zbalane is that? You’re not feeding it to those poor lings? It smells awful!” I must admit I have rather a shrill voice when I get annoyed. Mella jumped as if she had been scalded.

“You get out of ‘ere, Bert,” she screeched at me. “You ain’t welcome.”

All the lings were crying now, not loudly, just with quiet misery. It broke my heart. Derry looked hopelessly at me from his bed.

“Do us a favour, Bert, an’ keep your voice down. Them lings ‘ave got enough to put up wiv. That there’s bran stew. Yeah, Bran from a stable! It’s zlanny disgusting but it’s all we got. Now if you ain’t goin’ to do nuffink better’n shout, do us anuvver favour an’ sling it. We got enough to put up wiv.”

“I’m sorry, Derry,” I said to him. “I really am. I’ve come to help, it’s more than time.”

“Mella,” I said, turning to my sister. “You are going to let me help you and this family. You are going to let me do it in any way I see fit. I don’t care if you never speak to me again, I don’t care if you scream the place down, but you are not going to let Derry be maimed for life through lack of good healing and you are certainly not going to let these poor lings starve because of your blind prejudice. Now sit down there and shut the zblert up!”

Mella sat down like a burst balloon, dropped her head into her hands and began crying like a bad soap opera, sobbing out execrations against airheaded elves and trashy sprites between gasps and whoops. I ignored her completely. I put my head around the curtain and beckoned. Kori and Tealy came in. Mella let outa piercing shriek which everyone ignored.

Kori went to the bed and leaned over Derry who was looking pale and sick. She put down her bag, pulled back the cover and began gently to examine him, talking quietly to him. Tealy, meanwhile, went quickly towards the table. She looked in absolute disbelief at the stale bread, hard cheese and odouriferous brown bran mash. She gave Mella a withering look and fluttered her fingers.

Immediately the table groaned. A huge pot of vegetable stew and fluffy herb dumplings jostled for room with a big crusty loaf, a platter of fresh salad and another of sliced cheeses and delicious looking seedless grapes. There was a bowl of succulent wild strawberries, a huge jug of thick yellowish cream unlike any I had seen since L had her parents to tea, a big basket of nuts in the shell with a pair of silver crackers and, best of all, another huge violet roll.

The lings stared absolutely goggle-eyed, then five sets of hands went out towards the table.

“Don’t touch it!” screamed my sister. “Don’t eat it! Bert, don’t you dare give my lings disgustin’ elf food, you don’t know what it’ll do to ‘em! Look I know we ain’t got much but we’re doin’ ok, we’ll manage. It’ll only be anuvver few days an’ Derry’ll be up on ‘is feet, you’ll see!”

“No it will not!” Kori was firm.

“This is a bad break. It’s been wrongly set and I’ll ‘ave to reset it. Beside that your ‘usband ‘as cracked ribs which ‘aven’t been strapped tight enough or treated wiv the magic I could ‘ave used to ‘elp them mend. If you’d let me ‘elp in the first place Derry might’ve been up in a month or so. Now it’s more likely to take nearer two. Are you going to let them lings starve?”

Mella gave us a look of absolute blank shock. She fell limply into her chair and said nothing at all. While Kori continued to work on Derry, Tealy and I got busy. We found deep bowls and served out huge helpings of stew and dumplings to the famished lings who ate as if they had not seen food in a month. I have to say it felt wonderful, feeding those poor little scraps until they were stuffed full as eggs! By the time we were done and the lings were mostly dozing in their chairs, Kori had finished working on Derry and he was sleeping.

“Now look, Mrs Mella.” Kori spoke softly but her voice was stern. “When Mr. Derry wakes ‘e needs to eat. ‘e can ‘ave some stew and fruit. I need to be able to trust you to give it to ‘im, or I’ll just stay ‘ere.”

Mella looked defeated and shrunken, her face red and swollen from her crying outburst. “Oh what’s the odds. Me lings are all poisoned wiv that elf food, so we might as well all eat it. I’ll be sure an’ feed ‘im when ‘e wakes.”

Tealy was looking exhausted by this time. Magic takes it out of you, even if you are an elf. She had been sweet and sunny all day, but she suddenly turned on Mella with a flare of the old Tealy I had seen before.

“Oh really, Mrs Mella, do use your brain and stop behaving like a gibbering idiot! Bert is my friend,” her voice lowered here and she looked at Mella very hard. “He’s one of my very best friends in the world. Do you really think I would do anything to hurt the people he cares about? Especially ou and yours. However disgracefully you’re behaving at the moment, you and he have shared things that he won’t ever forget. I know. Now why don’t you grow up, sit down and have something to eat, you look half dead!”

Mella stared, then shrugged and headed for the hob where the teapot had been stewing all this time. She lifted the pot, took a cup from the hook. She was about to pour when she stopped, turned, took a deep breath and said:

“D’you want some tea?”

“Thanks, I’d love some.” Said Tealy.

Mella poured, a stream of dark greeny brown stuff came out of the pot. Tealy fluttered her hand. Before the stream hit the cup it turned pale green, lost its rank smell and the fragrance of fresh mint filled the room. Mint tea is a weakness of Mella’s. She handed the cup to Tealy and picked up the pot, looking at Tealy over her shoulder.

“Know a lot of fings about me don’t ya, elf?” She said in a not unfriendly tone.”

“I do, yes,” returned Tealy with a smile. “When someone loves you they talk a lot about you. And my name’s Tealy. I’ve put a spell on those things so that the food stays good and they’ll refill themselves when they get empty. It should stay good for the week. I’ll come again on Sunday and change them, you’ll be glad of a new menu by then.”

Mella just looked at Tealy in silence, taking her in from head to toe. Then she picked up the knife, cut a thick slice of bread, put a slice of yellow cheese on top, added crisp fresh greens and a slice of ripe tomato and took a huge bite. She chewed, swallowed, her eyes opening wide at the lovely taste. She took a big gulp of mint tea, then said two quiet words which showed that we had turned a corner.

“Fanks Tealy.” My friend was not “That disgusting elf” anymore.

We left soon after that and headed back to Mum and Dad’s. I do not know about Kori but Tealy and I were completely done in! We sank into chairs, accepted cups of tea and for a while were just quiet. Luckily, accept for Mum and Dad, the cube was empty so the silence was just what we needed. Then we told exactly what had happened. Mum and Dad were really pleased.

After that, although I was dropping, I had another story to tell, one which you have already heard. I felt that Mum and Dad had to know about the trouble I recently got myself into and about Brian having to give me an order. Tealy helped me out here and there and I was main glad when it was all told. Mum and Dad were as upset about the order as I thought they would be but, as Dad said, it’s past and over now and it could have been a lot worse!

After I fell asleep in my chair Dad told me to go home and Mum gave me a slice of violet roll to take with me. Tealy and I walked down to the zapping bushes together and she said she would see me next Sunday.

When I got back I wanted nothing more than to drop into my yawning bed, but I had to help Brian and L with Down for Double. It was a good job I was around as L had an awful Migraine and only just managed to get through the show. When it was over I wasted no time in hitting my pillow hard. Stars! What a day! But I felt pleased with myself as I dropped off to sleep. We really had made a big difference at Mella and Derry’s.

On Monday morning I awoke to my usual scroll, tied up in pink ribbon, from my niece Babsy at Shana-Sherin.

“Dear Uncle Bert”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a good report this week.”

“Hey Uncle guess what? They moved Chryssilla over from Magnola or however you spell it cos she wouldn’t stop fighting and stuff and she’s really cool! I want her for me besty but Madam Mauraine told us to leave her well alone but I ain’t going to listen cos she cries in her bed at night cos no one wants to talk to her and I think it stinks. I’m doing ok in all me lessons, still like cooking the best, housekeeping’s good to, you should see me hospital corners, neat as neat they is! Kryss can’t make them like me I’m going to show her how tomorrow when Madam Breat ain’t watching.”

“May the sun shine on you always and the helping hand preserve you from harm.”

“Your affectionate Niece”

“Barbriella Nilena”

“There, put in every rotten word of it now if I looses me mark again it’s a stinkin Rotten swiz andI’mgoingtowritetomeparentsthat’swhatI’mgoingtodoItellsyou!”

I hope you managed to decipher that last bit! It was scribbled on the back of the scroll and the handwriting was practically illegible! I started the day in a gale of giggles, went through my morning routine and logged on to Facebook to see what went on. Nothing too much was the answer. Gordy was fussing because his cube needs major repairs and he is trying to find either the money or the materials to get it done before the winter. Andi is not well at the moment, she has a bad cold which is turning into flu, Kori has been over there to see her. I must keep an eye on that in case I can do anything to help. It seemed to be the week for people to be ill, as Ikey was fussing about Vee, who had been feeling under the weather. He had advised her to see Kori but she would not hear of it.

When I had caught up I checked my mail and nearly fell off my chair! There was an Email from Mella. Things were not quite back to how they used to be, but she was making an effort. She thanked me for bringing Tealy, she used her name, told me the lings were much happier, Derry was better and Kori was coming back that morning to look after him. She also asked if I would come down and give a hand with the lings again at bath and bed, as everyone had missed me. I wrote straight back and said I would ask and see what I could do.

When I went into the den I could see it was going to be a fairly quiet day. Brian was at his desk, L was on the sofa but the Migraine was still well in force. I asked about going to Mella’s later and was immediately given permission. I spent a pleasantly busy day doing work for Brian and seeing that L had anything she needed. L seemed to be spending a lot of the day looking at videos on Youtube and making cooing noises. I did not know what any of that was about at all!

In the evening I zapped down to Mella’s and found her standing over Derry’s bed, helping to make him comfortable and chatting to Korielle, busy at the same task, as if they had been friends for years. I did one tiny double take and then just got on with things. The lings were as rumbustuous as ever, so I got them to sit down at the table, dished up huge helpings of hot stew, followed by bread, cheese, salad and fruit and a slice of cake to finish. I swear those little monkeys have hollow legs. They ate and ate and ate till I wondered where they were putting it all!

When they could not cram down another crumb, Mella and I bathed them and got them tucked into bed. Then Mella saw that Derry ate a good supper while I cleared up the cube which looked as if several tornados had blown through it. When I left, Mel was sitting on Derry’s bed with a cup of tea in her hand, the lings were all fast asleep, the cube was neat as a new pin and there were smiles and thanks all round. I was trashed but pleased.

I got back and snuggled into my place on the sofa. It was nice to tell Brian and L all about everything. Brian told me I had done well, L said the same but seemed rather distracted. She kept going on about a parcel she was expecting. I wondered what might be going on, but was too tired to find out.

The next morning was an early start as Brian had to be away all day. L did her usual tuppence a bag routine while getting his breakfast but I did not grumble. I was staying at home with her, so I would have plenty of time to clear up the mess. After Brian had gone we had a very quiet day indeed, in fact as L was still feeling rotten she spent most of it asleep and I spent most of it doing not very much. I could not get permission to go anywhere, I did not even ask. When Brian came home we all ate dinner and had our usual cosy evening and so that was Tuesday over.

On Wednesday things started normally. Ikey was still fussing about Vee being ill, Vee was still refusing to see the doctor. Derry was grumbling about his leg aching which Mella said was a good sign. She said he usually made a rotten patient and the fact that he’d been so quiet and uncomplaining up till now had worried the breeze out of her. She told me he could grumble the sky down for her!

I went in to get breakfast and we started our usual day but L was all over the place, completely absent minded. She seemed to be full of some suppressed excitement, she jumped at every sound. At about mid-day I found out why and you had better believe me when I tell you that I wish I had not! The dratted, dreaded, zlanny parcel arrived and in it was one of those idiotic baby doll things that L collects, only this one is different.

Ok, now let me take a step back here before I froth all over my keyboard. I know, have always known, about these dolls. Brian had to explain to me what they were and why L liked them, we leps never had anything like them, we have more zlanny sense! Stars, sorry, I need to mind my language. Anyway. I know about the dolls, I am always having to lift them up when I clean and zlendt heavy they are too! But this one was different! It was no sooner out of its box than it was being cooed over, admired, cuddled and a poor lep could not get a look in! I asked if L would like some lunch, I got ignored completely! Then I had to go into my closet because the cleaner turned up and after that L’s parents and what did they all do? They all spent their time cooing over Silly! Well, it’s Lily really but I just cannot bring myself to use that name!

Later in the day when everyone was gone I thought ah, now we have the place to ourselves, now perhaps poor old Bert will get some sofa time, a game, maybe read a bit of our book or something. Not a bit of it! L put on her shoes, went out to the shops, did she come back with a nice treat, cakes, a bottle of wine, anything? No! She came back with clothes and junk for Silly! It was enough to make you sick! I spent the rest of that day in a complete mard.

Nothing much happened for the next two days except more of the same. Oh, what am I saying? Nothing much? You will not believe it! L only decided to send most of the other doll things to her Mother’s house, to make more space here, she said. Rubbish! She just wants to give all her time to that infuriating Silly!

When I was not sulking I worked hard then went down to Mella’s at bath and bed. Derry was looking a lot better although, thanks to Jockie’s ineptitude, it will be weeks and weeks before he can put his feet to the ground. The lings are all looking less pinched and a better colour. I think a few weeks worth of good food inside them will do a power of good. They all want to know when “Nice Auntie Tealy” is coming back again.

Saturday was its usual mad self. We had two shows to get on, one of which was a big, important documentary for which Brian and I had worked incredibly hard and we both wanted everything to be absolutely perfect. We were lucky. Everything went off brilliantly and we ended the day exhausted but triumphant.

The next morning, after making a lovely breakfast at home and saying goodbye to Brian and L, I left for the colony. Tealy was looking eye-catching as ever. It was raining and the drops were sparkling off her silvery grey raincoat. Under the coat she wore jeans and a pretty lilac tee-shirt. Her navy trainers had pink and lilac hearts on them and her hair was tied up with lilac heart bobbles. We exchanged smiles and ran for the colony doors.

I had told Mella that we would be along at about two, so we headed first for Mum and Dad’s. As I had feared, the gossip of Bert going out with an elf had spread all over the place and the cube was packed to the rafters! Mum was looking pleased and worried both at the same time. One could see why, this was a lot of mouths to feed and the weather was awful. Dad would not have got much and you do not have visitors in your cube without offering them something.

Tealy took in the whole thing with one sweep of her big aqua eyes. She went up to Mum and gave her a big hug.

“Don’t you worry LilyBella darling. I came prepared this time.” She said.

“Get away, Tealy,” Mum said, “We ain’t expectin’ you to feed this lot, girl!”

“Nonsense!” the businesslike Tealy was back. “It’s my pleasure, if Mr. Alfie won’t mind.”

Dad just gave her a big smile, tweaked one of her ears and told her to go for it! She pulled a small glass bottle out of her bag.

“Look,” she said to me. “FeedMe spell. Knew I might need lots so I distilled this and suspended it in Dew in advance so as not to tire myself out like last week. It’s perfectly good and it keeps for ages! This is only good for one time, so it didn’t take long to make, I’ll make the one for Mella fresh.”

So saying, she opened the bottle and shook a sprinkling of sparkling droplets over the table. For a moment nothing happened and then a huge spread appeared. I will not tell you everything that was there, you have already had two long descriptions of food in this entry! Suffice it to say, just think of what was on Mella’s table and quadruple it!

In two minutes every single dish, plate, bowl, cup, saucer, glass, knife, fork and spoon Mum and Dad possessed had been pressed into service and when the receptacles ran out things had to be shared! Everyone ate and ate and talked and talked and the party was still in full swing when we left for Mella’s.

Down at Mella’s Tealy was mobbed by the lings, greeted with quiet friendliness by Mella and with warmth and gratitude by Derry. The table was now empty and Tealy fluttered both hands to refill it for another week. We sat the lings down in front of huge slices of cheese leek and potato pie with mounds of fresh salad and crusty bread. Mella poured us tea and we all talked quietly as if we had been friends forever. Mella was still not back to her old easy self, but it was slowly coming, it was only a matter of time.

When we got back to Mum and Dad’s, Kas and Kori had arrived and were being plied with food and Zair. I had just walked across the room to say hi to them when Ikey and Vee joined us from where they had been talking to Tuli and Shay.

“Hi, Kas, Kori, You keeping ok?” Ikey was looking very neat, very well and he had Vee’s arm solicitously tucked in his. She was looking a bit pale and wan.

“Oh, we’re fine thanks.” Kori answered. “How about you? Ikey says you ain’t been too good, Vee, but I s’pose it’s to be expected. You spoken to the birther yet? You going to go wiv Jildi or would you prefer me to be there wiv you, being family an’ all?”

Ikey and Vee stared at Kori absolutely thunderstruck. Gradually the cube went so still you could have heard a dewdrop fall. Kori looked around at us in concern and astonishment. She honestly did not know what she had said to cause this silence. Finally Ikey whispered:

“What did you say?”

“I only asked if you was going to ‘ave Jildi to birth the twins or if you wanted me to ‘elp? It’s a tricky business, birthing twins and I could ‘elp make it less painful for Vee, she’d be better off if…” but what advice Kori was about to give, we never heard because the room exploded with yells and roars of congratulations, laughter, crying for joy and Vee fainted dead away into Ikey’s arms.

We got it sorted in the end, when we brought Vee around. She had had absolutely no idea she was with young, she had thought she was well past the time. She and Ikey were just completely beside themselves with joy and Ikey hurried Vee home to rest even though she was protesting that she was fine and wanted to stay a while longer. Kori went with them to examine Vee properly and see that everything was as it should be.

The party was still rocking the cube and once Tealy had shaken a fresh dose of FeedMe spell on to the table it looked to be going to carry on for the rest of the day, but it was time for me to leave and Tealy was beginning to look tired so we made our excuses. It was a while before we could get away, however. The lings would not stop hugging and kissing Tealy and I had to be firm in the end to get her away before she fell flat.

I got home well in time for Down for Double. Brian and L were in absolutely mad moods and the show was a breeze. It had been such a lovely day that I did not remember until I was just dropping to sleep that we had to leave the next day for the dreaded Merseyside tomb. Oh well, to the low country with it, I thought, the packing will just have to wait.

Monday morning saw me awaken in a state of deepest gloom! I really do hate leaving here and spending time alone at the Tomb, sorting mail, cleaning the desolate old place that I was once so fond of. Now I would not care if I never set foot there again! I reached for my little Monday morning scroll, hoping for a giggle or two to lighten my glumness.

“Dear Uncle Bert”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I have a bad cold and have received a bad report this week.”

“Uncle Bert I really hates it here. Madam Prim’s a Zlurg cos she said me rice was sticky an it wasn’t well not much. Kryss an me was laughing at Sharrielle an I just left it only a minute too long. Then I got told off by Madam Breat for helping Kryss with her hospital corners she says it’s cheatin an Kryss has to do her own now I ax you is that fair uncle I was only showing her! Madam Mauraine says I’ll get a blot if I doesn’t buck up that old Zlurg mule I don’t care if she does see it I don’t! I want to go home!”

“May the sun shine on you oh blah blah you know it anyway and I hates all this zlenky nonsense so there.”

“Love B xx.”

Well that really improved my mood. Not! I packed a few things and went to help L get us ready for the off. We left in good time and after an uneventful journey we arrived at the Merseyside Tomb. Brian had business around the town that would keep him busy, so I cleaned, polished, scrubbed and dusted for the rest of the day and missed home like mad.

It could have been worse though. Brian came back in the evening and we ate dinner together before having a glass of wine, some nice music and a long natter about one thing and another. I went to bed in my old room feeling quite encouraged and upbeat.

The next morning I got breakfast for Brian who had more appointments in town. When he was gone I logged into Facebook to see what was what. The family are agog about two things: Vee’s pregnancy and Tealy. The only person who has a bad word to say about Tealy is Barty and I value his good opinion about as highly as I would value a dose of triple septic pneumonia, so I do not really give a zlenky zephyr what he says. Everyone is so delighted for Vee and Ikey, although I do hear the words “Too Young” murmured in Ikey’s direction. They had better not say that in front of him or if I am any judge they will leave with less limbs than they arrived with.

I spent a rather quiet, dull morning at the Tomb, locking things up and making sure everything was straight and then I met Brian at the station for the journey home. Oh how fantastic it was to be back in my closet at the Lair, just totally brilliant!

Wednesday was a quiet uneventful day, although busy. It was one of L’s ill days, so I worked for Brian and looked after L and just enjoyed being home. I went to Mella’s for bath and bed, which was also nice.

Thursday was a similar kind of day. I had a fair amount of audio production to do. L got dressed up and went out in the morning to some big meeting. I had not seen her looking so smart for ages, but she was a bundle of nerves. Of course, she had not much time to talk to me, but she gave Silly a cuddle before she went! I really should not say this, but stars, how I would like to kick that baby chair out of the window!

Well, L came back mid afternoon and we went on working, then I cooked a nice dinner and we all had a lovely evening with nice wine and nice music.

I had thought, when I woke up this morning, that this last paragraph would be something like, today is just writing. Well, so it has been. I got up, logged into facebook, read the mail, made breakfast and then buckled down and here I have been ever since with one short break for lunch. But there was some news on Facebook and how!

You know Minnimarni, that’s Barty’s wife. Guess what? Well, apparently she was telling Barty off for saying things about Tealy and Kori and for his attitude in general. Barty got so angry that he stormed out and locked Marni in the cube. They are posh, you know, they have a cube with a door, it is an old bathroom door, it bolts on the outside. Barty went out and unscrewed the bolt knob so Minnimarni could not get out. Now normally Marni would just have knuckled under, but I think that since Andi left she has seen Barty for what he is, or got a bit bolder or something. She screamed blue hurricanes and holy commotion until the guards came, broke down the door and let her out, can you believe it? She went to the Handhold, apparently, the Handers found her quarters where their novices stay and she has sent to Barty that she will not come back until or unless he behaves. She will get a dissolution like Mig. Barty is in shock! I can well imagine! As for me, I am proud of Marni for doing such a thing. No one should have to put up with that kind of bullying.

Well, you are now up to date. It is nearly dinner time and I am going to make something extra succulent tonight as all this talk of food has made me absolutely starvacious! I hope you have had a great two weeks. I will write again soon. Big smiles!

August 31.

Hi Everyone. Shimmering stars! This journal is getting big! I started it in the spring, now we are on the doorstep of Autumn. Ok, I do not write in it as often as I used to on account of I am much busier these days, but I do like keeping this record of all my goings on. I love the Autumn it is my favourite time of year. I love the smell of the air, the cool weather, I even love it when it gets cold, the feeling of Christmas coming closer. Of course, Autumn in a lep colony can be a bleak time if you have a cold drafty cube and are not good at finding food, but in our family it meant thick sweaters, Dad bringing home lots of wild fruit which Mum made into great big pies and huge crusty loaves made from grain gleaned from wheat fields.

My word, what am I doing rambling on like this! I had better get my head out of the clouds and get on with my news, of which there is quite a bit.

I think the last thing I told you was that I was going to make something very succulent for dinner on the Friday because I was starvacious. I did make a lovely dinner and we had a particularly nice evening. On Saturday morning I went through my usual morning routine and logged on to Facebook to find the family in complete uproar. Apparently Barty had stormed into the Handhold and demanded that his wife be sent back to him. He made such a commotion that the Handholder herself came down and told him very firmly where he got off. Apparently my brilliant brother called her an old zlurg, can you believe it? She got a couple of guards to come and throw him out! Well Dad was furious, Barty was apoplectic with rage, the rest of the family varied between thinking it was a huge joke, Barty the pompous idiot having met his match and thinking it an awful shame and scandal him behaving like that, as if we have not had enough to put up with this year what with one thing and another.

No one had heard a word from Marni, she was still living in Handers quarters for now, but she could not stay there. The thing is, everyone was saying, this sort of thing does not often happen, we have no provision for it. Marni’s parents are long dead and her family are all scattered and anyway Marni wants to stay here, she has leplings who need her. Thinking it over, I did not know if she would go back home, or get a cube of her own and try to scrape a living for herself and the lings somehow.

I had a word with Vee who was online. She was just over the moon about her twins, incandescent with joy you could say. I also said hi to Mella. Things are getting easier there all the time, I am just so pleased. By that time it was getting late so I hurried into the den to start the day. Saturdays are always mental and this one was no exception. We got our two shows done and then just collapsed on the sofa with our glasses of wine and nice music for the rest of the evening.

On Sunday morning nothing much had changed with the family. There was a mail from Mella asking if Tealy and I were coming over that afternoon, I told her that we were. Barty was sending Emails to all and sundry, firing off broadsides here there and yon, calling his wife every bad name you could think of for deserting her home and leplings. Meanwhile Mum was worried about the lings, Barty had never lifted a hand around the cube in his life and she wondered what they were all eating down there in that place. I said to her that perhaps I would make it my business to find out later. I groaned inwardly, but I just could not bear to think of lings going hungry and if it meant a scene with Barty, well I would just have to deal with that when I had to.

I went in to the den, made breakfast for Brian and L, then thought I would give Tealy a call and let her know what we might be facing at the colony. She was sounding her usual bouncy self and she listened quietly as I explained the whole Barty and Minnimarni mess.

“Oh darling of course we’ll help the poor little things if we can,” she said seriously. “Don’t you worry, I’ve got plenty of FeedMe distilled so it won’t tire me out. I do think we should talk to Mr. Alfie and Mrs Lily about this first though and see what ideas they have before we go barging in there, don’t you?”

I agreed with that and said I’d meet her in half an hour. While I was getting my trainers on I also thought I might walk down to the Handhold and try to get a word with Marni. We did not know each other particularly well, but we got on all right and she trusted me because of the help I had given to Andi. Perhaps I would be able to find out what was happening and if there was any way I or anyone could help her.

I arrived at the scrubby patch of bushes where we always zapped to find Tealy already there. It was a cool breezy day with a hint of rain in the air and Tealy was looking warm and pretty in a stylish coral pink jacket over a crisp white shirt and slim-fitting black jeans. She wore coral and silver bead bracelets and coral bobbles in her hair. I took her arm, wondering if she ever just lounged about in a robe, wondering exactly how much she had paid for those soft black leather loafers which were obviously handmade, wondering why on earth she spent her Sundays hanging around a lep colony with me! We walked in through the outer doors and the guards gave Tealy a smart salute.

When we got to Mum and Dad’s it was blissfully empty apart from a few younglings who were mostly asleep. Mum was peeling apples and Dad was splitting kindling for the stove. We took swinging chairs so as to be out of the way and talked to them while they went on working. I said that after we had been to Mella’s I thought I would go down to Barty’s and, if he was not there as he usually wasn’t, I would see about getting some food into the lings. I asked Mum exactly how many there are. It may sound weird, but Barty and I have detested each other for so long I have just not kept track of him or his family and I honestly cannot remember how many lings he has. Mum told me there are sixteen, but Andi is married, the next two boys have gone for guards so they do not live at home and NanciAnne is apparently a novice Hander, which is why her poor beleaguered mother thought of running there. So that leaves twelve and the youngest is only three!

Well we chewed that over for a while, had a bite of early lunch with Mum and Dad and then we set off for Mella’s. I need not tell you much of what happened there, it was much the same as what had happened for the last two Sundays. Mella’s brood were thrilled to see Tealy, in fact she got a very warm welcome from everyone. The table was empty so she filled it, then we stayed with Derry and Mella, chatted to them and made sure they all had plenty to eat.

After an hour or so we left there and headed down the thoroughfare towards the back wall of the colony. Barty’s cube was about halfway down, further in than Mum and Dad’s and not far off the main thoroughfare, as many of the more important people’s cubes were. It was not long until we reached there. We had no way of knowing whether Barty was there or not. The cube just showed us a blank white door. I put my ear to it but could hear no sound. Oh well, I thought. In for a raindrop in for a shower. I knocked.

There was absolutely no reply. I knocked again, harder this time. I heard some movement and whispering inside.

“Someone’s out there!”

“Shut up our Mick, Daddy told us not to open it to no one!”

“Yeah but it might be granny or someone wiv food. If you ain’t powerful ‘ungry, I is!”

There was a pause, then a husky little voice demanded:

“’Oo’s out there?”

“It’s Uncle Bert.” I said. “I’ve come to help you.”

There was another conference behind the door, but after a while it opened a crack and a tousled head appeared. It belonged to what I assumed was the eldest ling, a lep boy of about fourteen years. He looked dirty and dejected.

“Uncle Bert, where’s our Mum?” he said. “Dad won’t tell us nuffink an’ she’s got to come back. We ain’t ‘ad nuffink but tree bark an’ pine needles for days.”

I was really furious when I heard this. Tree bark and pine needles was what you eat when there is literally nothing else. It keeps you alive, only just. Obviously Barty had not drawn a colony ration.

“Has your Father not been drawing colony rations for you?” I asked.

“No,” the boy was close to tears. “He said we could make do till Mum comes back and ‘e don’t want everyone knowin’ our business. Uncle, the littles are goin’ to get sick if this goes on. Where’s our Mum an’ what’s goin’ to ‘appen?”

I gently pushed the door wider, moved him aside and we entered the large spacious cube. The other eleven lings were slumped around the bare table. Everyone goggled at Tealy for a moment, but then their eyes returned to just staring listlessly into space. I had seen that look before. I had seen it in bleak winters when colony rations ran dangerously low and leps could not find food in the snow. These lings were in a dangerous condition and we would have to be careful with them.

“Tealy,” I said. “Marni’s been gone three days now, I should think these lings haven’t had a bite but pine needles since then and that will only keep you alive. We need to be really careful or they will get seriously ill. Can you produce soup and soft bread?”

Tealy nodded, took the bottle of FeedMe from her pocket and shook a little on the table. A huge pot of broth and a soft white loaf appeared. The hungry lings would have grabbed for the bread but I raised my hand.

“Stop! Mick, is that your name? Make them be still, you must eat just a little and often at first. Find me some bowls.”

Mick, looking totally bemused, pointed at some shelving where crockery was stacked. I found bowls and a ladle and served small portions of soup. Then I cut bread and crumbled it into the soup. I gave a bowl to each of them.

“I know you’re famished, all of you,” I said, “But eat it slowly. Tealy, I’m going to feed this very little one, can you help the little girl?”

For the next three hours we stayed in that cube, feeding those poor starved lings with soup and bread, then going on to small portions of stew, salad, cheese and fruit. WE fed them every half hour or so, taking it slowly. Inn between we bathed them, talked to them, cleaned up the cube which was in a disgusting state and wondered what on earth to do for the best. We obviously could not just leave them without any help, but neither could we stay there, we both had jobs to get back to. Every minute we prolonged our stay made our position worse, Barty was likely to turn up at any second.

In the end I thought the best thing was to call Andi. She and Barty were daggers drawn whenever they met, which was not often, but I knew she would help her brothers and sisters. I called her on my cell phone straight away and explained exactly what I had found at her Father’s cube. She was incredulous with rage.

“I do not believe my stupid dad!” she almost screamed in my ear. “Don’t you worry, our Bert, you did right to call me. I’m coming right this minute. Tell our Mick not to worry no more. Just wait till I get me Ands on our Dad, E’ll be able to look backwards wivout turnin’ round!”

True to her word andi arrived in ten minutes with a bulging basket. She hugged Tealy and I and told us to “Op it quick before Dad shows up.” So we did and very thankful we were to avoid another scene.

We hopped it down to the handhold, although by this time we both really wanted to go home. I explained to a junior hander who I was and what we needed and after a surprisingly brief wait a short plump lep fem with a good-natured face in a white robe and blue girdle came trotting up to us.

“Uncle Bert,” she said. “I’m Nan. I’ve come to take you to our Mum.”

We followed Nan as she led us up and up the wall of cubes which comprised quarters for the Handers. We were nearly at the top when we were led into a very small cube, furnished with a simple swinging chair, a chest for clothes, a hammock and a covered cleansing place. Marni sat in the chair looking calm.

“Our Mum,” said Nan quietly. “Uncle Bert an’ Miss Tealy is here.”

“Our Bert,” Marni smiled at me. “I thought they was going to send someone soon. Thought it’d be you or LilyBella. Sorry there ain’t nowhere for you to sit except the floor. How do Miss Tealy. Now then, our Bert, you can say your piece but it won’t make no difference, I ain’t goin’ back.”

I went across to Marni and kissed her cheek. She did look so white and worn out. I do not think anyone will ever know what kind of a life she had with my brother. There are worse things than being given a black eye and you cannot ever see them. I think those kind of things can last long after a black eye has healed up and gone.

“To be honest with you,” I said quietly, “I don’t blame you, Marni. I haven’t come here to persuade you to go back.”. She gave me an amazed look and I hurried on before she could speak. “I do think that you need to make some decisions about what you want to do next. You have twelve lings who need you. I was over at your cube just now, getting some food into them. Barty wouldn’t draw colony rations. They’ve been living on bark and pine needles since you left.”

“What?” she jumped out of the chair which swung wildly behind her. “He wouldn’t do that to the lings just to spite me! He wouldn’t!”

“He did, I’m afraid. Not to spite you, but for himself, because he didn’t want anyone to know that you weren’t foraging for the family anymore. It’s ok for the moment andi’s with them. They’ll be all right for the present, but Marni, you can’t stay here forever. The lings miss you and Barty isn’t fit to look after them. You’ve got to make some decisions.”

Marni sank back into the chair looking even whiter.

“I got to think. I got to go to the council, that’s plain enough. I got to get a dissolution. Barty’ll try to fight me for the lings, I know him. Bert, will you tell about the pine needles?”

“I certainly will and about the state we found the cube in! Barty will have those lings over my dead body!”

“And mine!” said Tealy stoutly. “Don’t worry, Mrs Marni. The thing to do now is get on with this as soon as possible. Bert, darling, I’m sorry to hustle, but it’s getting awfully late. Don’t you have a show to get back for?”

She was right of course. WE had to make a very hasty exit, a dash down to say goodbye to Mum and Dad and a mad run for the zapping bushes. Even so I only just got back in time for Down for Double. It was a great show and after it I had a quick glass of wine with Brian and L while I brought them up to date on my busy day. As I headed sleepily for the closet Brian reminded me that we were headed Merseyside tombwards the next day. Oh great!

I awoke at my usual time the next morning and there on my pillow was my usual little scroll tied in pink. I reached for it eagerly, wanting to see how young Babsy was doing this week.

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a fair report this week.”

“Uncle, guess what. I got a gold star for me lemon cake an Kryss got a silver one. Madam Prim says I’s a good fluence on her or whatever that is. I never done nothing like last week but she just looks at what I does and does the same. Madam Breat says I’s a neat little worker an if Kryss does like I does she’ll be the same. Old Fusty says we ought to spend less time larkin about an more time learnin but Leanna was giggling at Kryss so I pinched her an she squealed awful!”

“May the sun shine on you always an all that stuff blah blah doodly doo love Babsy.”

Well, that started my day off in a very good mood indeed and when I went into the den I was put into an even better one. Brian said he would not need me in Merseyside until tomorrow, so would I just stay with L today and then zap over to join him after breakfast next day. I was, um, what is that word L uses? I know, jaw slapped! Of course, I said that was fine, but I did have to wonder what on earth was going on. I made breakfast for us all and tidied up once L had made Brian’s packed lunch. He soon left to catch the train and that just left L and I and a beautiful day with the sun streaming in through the windows.

Now normally L and I find any number of things to do. We talk, read, play games, listen to music or the radio, lots of things. But it was such a lovely day I was restless and when she asked what I wanted to do I lost my head and asked if we could not go out. She said it was terribly risky and I said it wasn’t. With my cap on I easily pass for a toddler as everyone knows by now. It is only if my ears show through my hair and you look closely at my face that the game is up.

Well, then L asked if I wanted to go to the park or somewhere like that! Really! The park indeed! I said how about going to the seaside! We could go on the beach, paddle in the surf, buy all that lovely seaside food, go to the fair, oh, what amazing fun! I had to work at it, but I convinced her in the end.

In a very short time we were in a taxi heading for the station. I had never been anywhere with L before. It took us a while to get used to walking along together so it did not look as though I was leading her, but we got it soon enough. We were soon on a packed train, heading for a place called Barry Island. There was only one sticky moment when a perfectly nice lady decided to do the pat my head thing. Why do they do that, I wonder? Anyway my ears which were already squashed under my cap got even more squashed, but I was a good little boy and did not snarl at her, I gave her a nice big smile!

When we got to Barry Island the first thing I wanted was a bucket and spade. Now I know what you’re thinking, babyish Bert. Yeah I know but come on! I had never been on a beach before in my life and you cannot dig holes or make a truly great sandcastle without a bucket and spade for stars’ sake! I had seen them on the TV in the old house and I knew I just had to have one! L just giggled when I told her and said I could have anything I wanted today. We went to a shop which sold them and stars there were loads to choose from. Some of them were shaped like real castles, kind of squarish with towers on, but I am a traditionalist. I chose a set with a nice bright red bucket and a blue spade. They were nice and sturdy and just brilliant! L paid for them and we headed for where there was lots of golden sand!

Oh but the beach was wicked wicked wicked! I had brought with me a bottle of NoSeeMee spells, a present Tealy had given me that time I had run away. She had said one day I might need them for something and I had almost forgotten them until this idea of going out somewhere with L had popped into my head. Anyway, L and I found a quiet corner and on that busy beach it took a bit of doing, I shook a drop or two of NoSeeMe on us and bingo! No one could see or hear us for an hour. I could see L with a kind of shimmer around her, so I knew when the spell wore off and by that time we had lazed in the sun, paddled in the sea, built sand castles and I had buried both L’s protesting feet in a wicked deep hole! Oh it was awesome!

When we could once more be seen we decided to go and get something to eat. I had my cap on again, I had taken it off before and so we walked along the seafront to a food stall. I had fish and chips, a huge chocolate fudge Sundé and a big chocolate milk shake. L had the same only she had sausage not fish. After we had eaten we went back to our quiet bit of the beach, I did the needful with the spell bottle and we lazed in the warm sun for an hour while we let everything settle.

Next we walked back along the front and L bought us huge sticks of bright pink candy floss, which we ate as we walked along towards the fairground. I had never tasted candy floss before, although I had heard Brian and L talk about it. I have to say it is totally delicious stuff and my face was soon very pink and sticky!

L was very generous to her little one at the fair. We went on lots of great rides and had a totally wicked time, I know, I am using that word a lot but it is the only one I can think of to describe it! We ended up at the thing I had most been wanting to ride, a beautiful carousel with big wooden horses painted in lovely colours. It even had an organ playing cheerful music. As I climbed on to a blue horse decorated with silver stars and looked over at L next to me on a red horse with a gold mane and tail, I thought I had never had such a fantastic day in my whole life.

Which was exactly the moment when my cap chose to blow off in the wind. For one second I was frozen with panic, then I grabbed the bottle of NoSeeMe and shook it on us. I thought two people disappearing was marginally preferable to a little man with pointy ears sitting on a carousel horse. I do not know how much got noticed, I was far too preoccupied in thinking what best to do and explaining matters to a bewildered L.

In the next minute I had taken her hand and zapped us, straight off the moving carousel to the Lair. Just yuk! Zapping is never an exactly comfortable feeling at the best of times, but zapping off something moving is just horrible in the extreme and we both had been eating all day. Perhaps I will draw a veil over the next while, there is such a thing as too much information. I suppose one has to pay for one’s pleasures!

Actually L was soon more or less Ok, she was soon snuggled on the sofa, talking to Brian on the phone and cuddling Silly, her baby doll. I was practically a basket case for the rest of the day. What with that zap and the energy I had used in zapping us I was feeling dreadful, plus tired out. I was in bed extremely early and L’s threat to put me in a bonnet next time we went to the seaside which she made as a joke when she brought me a soothing cup of chocolate did not go down too well. Stars I was glad to drink my drink and go to sleep! Nevertheless, I will not forget the day on the beach, even with it’s sticky end, it was totally fantastic.

The next morning I was still feeling a mite groggy. I got up and dragged myself into a shower. I got dressed, tidied up and booted up Nia Netbook to see what was going on. There was news. Andi had Emailed to thank me for my help with the lings on Sunday. She told me that Marni had been to see the council on Monday and explained matters to them. Apparently Barty had bullied and abused her for years, ever since Andi was small. Why am I not surprised? Anyway, the council had ordered a full hearing at which Barty had to be present as Marni was requesting a dissolution. Barty was contesting it and demanding custody of the lings. Andi was asking me if I would go to the hearing to and testify about the state of the cube and the lings being half-starved. I wrote straight back and told her of course I would. In the meantime andi had taken the lings to her cube. Barty was raising holy commotion and blue murder about that but she had told him she would tell the council and anyone else she could about the pine needles if he said one word.

I had a look on Facebook to see what went on there. Ikey was worrying about Vee who was suffering from Youngling sickness in a big way. Kori has been down to help her. I had a word with him, said Hi to Mella who was about, told her I would try to make bath and bed later in the week, also had a word with Tovey who is complaining that he never sees Lina these days because she is always with Lita. Stars, this family!

I got some coffee and pancakes for L and myself, then packed a backpack, called Brian to check that he was ready for me, said goodbye to L who was busy getting Silly ready for the day and zapped to the tomb.

I arrived at the tomb to find a huge skip outside, another huge van and boxes all over the place. My jaw just about hit the floor, I can tell you.

“Brian, what in the blue Zbaloon is going on?” I asked.

“Have a last look around, Bert,” said Brian, heaving a box into the van. “Then come and help me. We’re packing this place up, we don’t need it anymore. The Lair is going to be our full time home from now on.”

Oh just wow! Just wow and wow and wow! No more lonely days at the Merseyside Tomb! No more dragging time cleaning and dusting and collecting mail. When Brian had to be away working I could just stay and take care of L. Oh just wow! I dug myself in and helped him with a will. By the time we left, the house was completely empty. We brought back the little we needed to keep, the rest went to charities.

It was just amazing coming home to the Lair. So that was another of my wishes granted. No more boring boring train for me. I was home for good and I could just stay here now, this was, no is, where I live. I am home. Wow, just to write it, how amazing is that!

Friday was a quiet one. We moved things around a little to accommodate the few things we had brought, we worked, we just got on with the day. I love those kind of days. In the evening I cooked and we all just snuggled on the sofa with our respective computers.

Saturday and Sunday did not go as usual at all. L was too ill to work. She gets these awful Migraines so often but I do not think I have ever known it so bad that she misses both shows. Brian and I took it in turns to look after her. On Sunday I cancelled my visit to the colony because there was so much to do here. Brian was putting a show together to do in place of Down for Double and I wanted to help him and we both wanted to look after L. Tealy went to Mella’s as usual, Mella met her at the bushes and came in with her apparently, so there was no trouble about it.

It was a very busy day, the Lair was very quiet. In the evening Brian did a very good show and afterwards he and I had a glass of wine together. I really hoped things would be better the next day.

I awoke to find my usual little Monday morning scroll tied up in pink. I hoped for good news from Shana-Sherin.

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a good report this week.”

“Uncle this place stinks worse than stale fish. They gone and moved Kryss back to Magnola just when she was getting on so well here. Now that zlenky Leanna and Sharielle and all the lot of them won’t talk to me no more. All me lessons is going ok but it’s awful lonely without Kryss she was great. I wonder if I could ask to go to Magnola too. Wish I was home with the rest of em all I miss em.”

“May the sun shine on you always an all that stuff write me soon Uncle Bert. Love you. B.”

Poor little Babsy, I did feel sorry for her. I wrote a comforting note on the back of the scroll, rolled it up and retied it, then took it to the window and watched as it vanished on the puff of magical breeze that would carry it back to Shana-Sherin. Then I got on with my morning routine. There was nothing much new on Facebook, no date had as yet been set for the council hearing for which I was thankful. I did not want to leave if L was still unwell, in fact I doubted whether I would have got permission, even though it was important. Everyone else was chugging along all right. I had a message from Tuli asking me to pop down next time I was in the colony. That surprised me rather, she and I are not what you might call close, though I have no argument with her. I will go and see what she wants.

I went into the den to see if Brian was about and whether L was any better. Brian was about of course, he is a very early riser and no, L was no better. WE spent a very busy day working and taking care of L. In the evening I cooked us some dinner and we had a nice companionable time together. We both really hoped that L would be over this by the morning, we were both getting worried.

Tuesday morning brought news for me. I got up as usual and went through my morning routine. I had overslept slightly, so had to hurry into the den to do the breakfast. I found L was up, feeling groggy still, but up and snuggled on the sofa, catching up with things on her computer. Hurray! When I had made us all breakfast, which we ate in our usual cosy manner clustered chatting around the table, I went back to my closet to do my computer catch up.

I had an Email from the colony council informing me that the hearing concerning the requested dissolution of the matrimonial contract between Bartle Alfardna and Minnimarni Robbikna would take place on September 6 and as they, the council, had learned that I was privy to information pertaining to this matter, I was formally requested to attend if permission could be obtained from my human employer. If permission could not be obtained could I please send a signed statement of my evidence.

I carried my Netbook back into the den and read the mail to Brian, who immediately gave me permission to attend unless something serious was wrong here. He told me to prepare a statement just in case I needed to send it. I went back, answered the mail and then we got on with the day which was very quiet and uneventful. WE all three had things to do, I had a little audio production to do for Brian and a fair bit of housework.

The next day was equally uneventful really. Brian had to go away overnight so we were busy helping him get ready to go. I got breakfast for us all, L packed up his lunch and he left at about noon for the train. That left L and I and we spent a cosy day in our usual nice way, watching films, reading and talking.

On Thursday morning I woke up to find a little package on my desk. I opened it to find two glass bottles full of clear liquid. One had a pink top, one a red one. There was a note inside.

“Bert, darling.”

“I can’t come to the colony this Sunday, I have to work an extra shift, I’m really so sorry. However I am sending you enough FeedMe to help anyone who needs it. The pink top bottle is one time only, do use it as you see fit. The red top is for Mella’s family, there isn’t much and it will only stretch to her table. Any chance of us meeting up soon to have dinner and a chat? I haven’t seen you without hoards of relations being around in simply ages.”

“Love always.”

“Tealy.”

For just one minute there I felt my heart hit my boots. Was Tealy making excuses? Did she not like me or the family anymore? Stars, it was going to be weird going to the colony without her. I had come to like seeing that bright, pretty little figure with the big fluffy ears waiting for me by the bushes, I liked the feel of her arm in mine as we walked down the thoroughfare. I put the two spell bottles into my desk drawer and slammed it shut in a bit of a sulk. But then I looked at the note again. She had to work, it was simple as that. And she had at least made the spells and you did not just rustle those up in a mixing bowl, it took some doing. And, I thought, looking at the end of the note, she wanted us to meet up for dinner again, so it must be all right.

And anyway it should not matter to me too much either way. Tealy was a good friend, I liked her but it was ridiculous to get into a sulk because I was not going to see her this Sunday. Silly, stupid, I told myself. I gave myself a shake and got on with the day.

L and I spent most of it in our nice normal way. In the afternoon L’s parents came over so I had to go and hide in my closet. Stars, would I not just love to come out and meet them! I would just love it so so much! On taking one crafty peek through the door I was enraged to see all three of them cooing over that awful Silly! Look, that thing is not even alive, for stars’ sake, what is the big deal here! I will never understand humans to my dying day, I swear I will not!

Brian came home at about six, I cooked a nice dinner for us all, we caught up sitting around the table in our usual cosy way, then we all snuggled on the sofa for the evening. Stars, when I stop to think about it, I am such a lucky lep! My life just seems to have got better and better this year and it was nice before!

And so here we are at today. Brian and L were up early on account of work they had to do but I was up earlier. I had long showered, dressed and gone through my morning routine. Everyone is all right today, hurray. Vee is feeling a little better, Kori is dosing her with anti-sickness potions and showing her what best to eat to avoid her feeling ill. I am so glad Kas married Kori it was the best thing he could possibly have done for this family and for the colony as a whole. Mum is very down at the moment, she says our family is becoming a byword what with scandals and two dissolutions this year and all. Poor Mum, I do feel for her. Just to add insult to injury Dad heard from the lockholes that Tommo is in the infirmary there. Apparently he picked a fight with someone and, for a wonder, got the worst of it. He was lucky to get away breathing the guards said. Ikey wants to go and see him but at the moment they are not allowing visitors, the healers there are doing their best.

I had another note from Tulia. She says again that I must pop down on Sunday. I have already told her I will. She said to bring Tealy. I did not say that Tealy will not be with me. I have an idea now what this is all about and I do not like it. I will wait to see if I am right before I say anything more yet, but I think I am. Tuli has seven mouths to feed and Shay is a good worker but I do not think foraging is his strong point. Enough said on that subject, I might be wrong and I would hate to say bad things of my sister if they are not true.

Well, once I had made the breakfast and seen Brian and L started on their work it was time for me to buckle down to mine and here I have been all day and yay! You are now up to date. It is going to be a very busy weekend because there is a big show tomorrow which Brian has been preparing for like mad and I have been helping. It is going to be great. I do hope we have seen the last of illness for L for a while. Things are certainly going to be easier anyway now that I can stay here and do not have to keep jetting off all over the place.

And now I shall finish this and go and cook for my people and myself it is way time for dinner! I hope you have all had a great two weeks. Thanks, as ever, for reading my rambles. I will write again soon and wish me luck for Wednesday, I am one nervous lep! Big smiles.