June 2012

June 1.

Hi, everyone. I expect you are tired of hearing about how tired I am, but I am going to say it anyway! Stars! I am so! Tired! I am really, really looking forward to tomorrow, it should be a lovely day, everything is about ready now. On Sunday, Derry and I are going to bring Mella home from Ireland, it will be brilliant to have her back again. On Monday I am going to lock myself in my closet and sleep for a week! I do not care if the head Hander of the Old Country wants me, I will not come out until I have slept as long as I want to! Giggling.

Well, let us get you caught up on the last few frantic days. On Wednesday morning I was up at my usual time and logged on to Facebook in the middle of a row, oh, just what I needed! Apparently, Mig did not know that Ikey was now practically living at old Bossy’s, that, in case anyone does not know, is our rather disrespectful and appropriate name for his fifty-year-old fiancé Veriana. Anyway, Mig is raising a hurricane about it and I logged into the chat in the middle of her laying into my poor Mum, who has more than enough on her plate.

I am normally fairly mild-mannered, but what with one thing and another, I am on a slightly short fuse at the moment and anyway, I am very protective of my Mum, so Mig got a lot more than she bargained for. I pointed out to her that it was not Mum’s business to look after Ikey, but hers, meaning Mig’s. I said that Mum had not gone swanning off to Scotland leaving Ikey behind and that if anyone should be keeping an eye on Ikey’s doings it was her, but she had told us not once, but many times, that the boy was marrilan, so old enough to make his choices. Well, I said, he had made them, so she would just have to live with them. In the meantime she could shut up and stop bullying my Mum, who had enough to do without running around after Ikey. Stars, I was wild! I do not think Mig knew what had hit her! She just logged off without writing another word. I felt bad about it afterwards, well, a little bit, but honestly, if you had seen Mum this week, she looks so worn and she truly has tried to keep an eye on Ikey, it is not her fault he is the way he is!

Well after that jolly little caper I went into the den and got breakfast. Brian and L were both looking concerned, but they did not say anything much and gave me permission to go to Merseyside when things were tidy here.

It was another very warm day and I was very hot and bothered by the time breakfast was all finished and things were clean and tidy here. Brian started work and I zapped to the Merseyside house. Andi was in the garden, picking flowers and Gordy had gone out foraging. With only three days to go it was time to start getting things ready for the wedding. Brian and L were preparing to put on the same kind of spread that they had for my birthday party, but Andi had said that she wanted to help by bringing some food too, so she proposed to bake her special flower petal cakes in several different varieties, as well as laurel tartlets, mini wild root pies, wild garlic mushroom puffs, several kinds of bread and anything else she could think of that was portable. She was even talking about making a lavender loaf, but I was seriously thinking of accidentally on purpose forgetting to bring the lavender for it!

Of course andi was all on the hop and so was I. We were both waiting for the dress to arrive. I had paid a little extra for next day delivery, but we did not know at what time of the day it would arrive, so there was nothing to do but just to get on with the work and wait. Which we did.

When three O’clock came and there was no sign of the dress, the unease inside me began to tighten into real jitters. I did not say anything to Andi, but I really was getting worried. When four O’clock came, I could not conceal it anymore and neither could Andi. WE had both been franticly cooking all day, but more or less at the same time, we just stopped what we were doing.

“It’s not coming, is it, Uncle Bert,” Andi said and burst into tears. To tell the honest truth, I felt rather like joining her. I did not though, I gave her a hug.

“Don’t worry, Zaea,” I said. Oh, that word, lep endearment, kind of like the human “sweetie” that L uses to me when I get upset. “We have time. I’ll zap to the department store if I have to and get the dress. I’ll take Brian or L with me, it’ll be all right. I can find out where it is.”

That about zapping to the store I’d bought it from filled me with horror, in truth I could not really have done that, I would have had to pay another small fortune for another dress. Just gulp. In any event, it was not necessary. I was about to leave for home at just after five, when finally, finally, the delivery van pulled up.

We had a little bit of trouble, because the van driver would not believe someone as small as me was the parcel addressee and I had to show my ID and picture before he would let me sign for it. I do hate it when that happens, I am supposed to get myself noticed as little as possible, but sometimes it just cannot be avoided. I do not think the driver will remember, he was very hassled and I wore my cap so my ears would not show, so it was all ok.

Anyway, at long last the van had gone, the door was shut andi and I had washed our hands and we had that box and were cutting the tape on it. You had better believe we were very very careful. Inside the box there was a lot of packing and Andi dived into it like a duck into water. She began pulling things out with cries of joy.

First out were the shoes, then a pretty little hair garland, which looked a lot nicer than it did in the picture on the website. Then out came the tights, then, very carefully, she unpacked the dress. My word! What a dress! I do not pretend to know much about clothes, except that I know what I like, but I was impressed! The fem has taste. Mind you, at that price it ought to be good! Giggle.

Well, I was left to watch over things and clean up in the kitchen, while the excited bride-to-be ran upstairs with her treasure trove to try everything on. Of course, I was not allowed to see. She was up there so long that I was afraid something had gone wrong, but eventually she came flying down again to tell me everything fitted. Long sigh of relief. So that was that particular crisis out of the way and I was able to zap off home for a nice dinner, a glass of wine and a relatively early night.

The next day, things began to get ridiculously busy here and elsewhere they got just plain ridiculous! I woke up to an agonized Email from Mum, asking me if I could come home quick, Mig had arrived and was on the rampage! Oh holy moon above, just what we needed!

Well, just for once, I could not get permission to go. I am Brian’s lep, after all and I work here and we do have a wedding coming off in two days. There was a lot to do in order to be ready in time. Brian told me politely that he needed me to stay at home this morning and help L.

To tell you the truth I was pleased. I have been zapping about all over the place like a badly made firework and I just wanted to stay still for a while, so I Emailed Mum and said I could not come home, but I got on Skype with her for a while, as soon as I had breakfast organized. Apparently Mig had turned up at Mum’s at the crack of dawn in a flaming rage with old Bossy and Ikey, but she had apologized to Mum and she said she was not leaving until she had sorted this mess out.

She had then gone down to Old Bossy’s. Old Bossy lives in a cube with a door! Anyway, old Bossy refused to let Mig in, although Mig stood outside for an hour, yelling and banging and threatening the wrath of the moon and stars if that door was not opened! Well, when the door remained firmly closed, it seemed Mig went to the council and demanded a hearing and that is where she is now. What Mig expects the colony council to do when the boy is Marrilan I do not know.

I was glad to get off Skype. I had a quick check of my Email and I turned on my phone for the first time in days, just to check if I had missed any important calls. I was staggered to find I had about twenty voice messages, all from Tealy. It seems she and Hinky have had another row. Oh dear! I know what that will mean! I am not, repeat not, being left holding that particular baby, not this time!

After about voice message five, by which time I think more than several glasses of wine had been consumed and judging by the terms of endearment being used, the lines between me and Hinky had become somewhat blurred, I decided not to play anymore and deleted them. When I checked my text messages it got even worse. Reams of texts from Tealy, from suggesting I call her to well, you do not want to know, believe me and I did not read them all, just took a sample here and there! Well, they all went to deletesville too. I am definitely not interested. Apart from the fact that Tealy is just not my type, Hinky is a good friend, probably my best after Brian and L and from the very little he says, he still wants somehow to make him and Tealy work, so I am keeping well out of this!

Well, by this time, L was ready to start work and from about eight-thirty till lunch time, we were on the go non-stop with wedding preparations.

In the afternoon, I went on with the cooking and L went out, first to her Grandma’s for a couple of hours and then to get a haircut and after that to shop. WE had taken a big online delivery a day or so ago, but L wanted to go to get last minute things, including fresh fruit and vegetables and back up stocks of the perry that we use as a Zair substitute. She arrived home with the car loaded down with bags and bags and this time she let me help with them! Just yay! We now have enough food and drink in this place to feed a fair-sized army!

Brian bought us all takeout for dinner and after that he said that, as I had worked hard all day, I could pay a quick visit to the family if I wanted to. To tell the truth I would have been much happier where I was, but I was worried about Mum, so I zapped to London for a quick check on things.

The four winds had broken loose since I had spoken to Mum. She was sitting in her chair, tears pouring down her face. Mig was trying to comfort her and crying herself. I thought someone had died! It was not quite that bad, but oh stars! Apparently the council had said that, as Ikey was Marrilan there was nothing they could do about his living with Veriana, it did not break any law, though it was highly irregular, not to mention a shame and a scandal. They said the best they could do was, as he was still technically under age, to recommend a course of action to him, namely that he go home with his mother until his wedding.

So they summoned Ikey to appear, which he did, looking very ruffled. Veriana wanted to come too, but she was not allowed into the council cube. The council members doing duty that day spoke to Ikey very pleasantly, pointed out to him his behaviour was making his Mother unhappy, not to mention causing a scandal in the colony and gave him a formal recommendation. At which point Ikey lost his temper, yelled at his Mother that she was an old, well, expletive deleted for leaving his father and lunged at her. The head of that day’s council duty cell tried to hold him back, at which point Ikey knocked him out cold.

Of course, the rest is a formality. Ikey was arrested, he has been sentenced to a month in the lockholes for assault. It could have been a lot worse. Veriana is saying it is Mig’s fault, Mig is saying it is Veriana’s, Mum is absolutely devastated, Dad is furious, it is just a mess!

Well, I stayed for a while because they seemed to want me, but I could not really do anything. Ikey is a chip off the old block and no mistake. At least we can have one month where he is out of our hair!

Once Mum had calmed down a bit I did a quick zap to Merseyside, but everything is fine there, so I only stayed to catch Andi and Gordy up on the news, then I felt wrung out, so came home and was glad to get to bed.

Today has, if anything, been even more manic. I woke up at my usual time with a groan, dragged myself up, showered, dressed, made my bed and tidied up. I had ten Emails from Tealy, which I deleted without reading. I also had twenty texts from her. What is that elf playing at? I will have to ask Hink after tomorrow, but I do not have time to bother about it now.

When we had eaten breakfast, Brian, L an I just got on with the work for the wedding. We stopped for a bite to eat and to get ready for L’s show. The show went really well and then we have just been getting on with it, cooking, cutting up cheese, fruit and salads, arranging piles of nuts in dishes, getting the room ready, filling the cupboards and fridge with so many platters of fantastic things that there is hardly room to move! I did quickly zap first to Merseyside, to make sure everything was ok there and then to London, to make sure Mum knew what to do tomorrow. Everything is ready. It is all systems go. Barty does not know a word. The wedding of the century is going to happen and he will not be able to do a thing!

And now, I have had my dinner and have brought you up to date, so I am off to have a glass of wine with Brian and L and then I will fall into my yawning bed. Just think of me tomorrow and wish us all luck, I do so hope it all goes ok. Stars, I do really have butterflies! I hope you have had a good few days. Thanks, as ever, for reading.

I will write more when I have time, after The. Wedding. Big, rather nervous Smiles.

June 5

Hi, everyone. Sorry I have been so long away, we have had quite a busy few days what with one thing and another, but you do not want to hear my excuses. Ok, are you ready for the story of the wedding from hell, as humans would say? Well, qualifying that statement, the wedding itself was wonderful. But the party afterwards? Oh my stars! Just complete horrorsville for me personally, though everyone else had a wonderful time, thank the moon! I will tell you all about it.

Brian, L and I were up very early last Saturday morning, putting the finishing touches to things. It was no easy task, because one room and kitchen was going to have to do duty for both a makeshift Handhold and a place to hold the wedding party.

We had talked long and hard about how we could best do this and had come up with the following plan. Andi and Gordy would marry at noon, in the traditional way, with the Handholder in attendance and a few close family members including my parents, Gordy’s parents and, if we could swing it andi’s Mum. After that Andi and Gordy were going back to the colony to face Barty and the whole world and invite the family to the party, which would start at about two-thirty. Barty, of course, would not be invited. Everyone would have to be given a map of where to go and he would just not get it, so he would not be able to turn up and ruin anything.

We worked hard and by about ten everything was ready. I made coffee for Brian and L and zapped off to Merseyside to find Andi, not in the flutter I had expected, but calm and radiant and looking as if a little bit of starlight had got into her and was shining out of her face. Gordy was not covered in earth, just for a change, but looked neat and well washed and brushed, in a plain dark lep suit. Andi was still in her lep house dress, as she was bringing her wedding clothes to the Lair and L was going to help get her ready.

After one last double double check that we had not left anything behind, I gave Andi and Gordy the map and we locked up the house. Andi walked down the path towards the bushes which I always used when I zapped outside.

“Just think of it, Uncle bert,” she said, “The next time I come in here, I’ll be Gordy’s wife. It wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you. You done so much for us and we won’t never forget it.”

Stars! I am such a wimp! I got all choked up and couldn’t answer. Just duh! I just gave her a hug, patted Gordy’s shoulder and we zapped.

We arrived in my closet, so as not to make Brian and L jump. You should have seen Andi and Gordy’s faces as they looked around at my nice living space and all my things. We did not have too much time though, so I soon took them into the den and introduced them to Brian and L. To my delight andi and L clicked straight away, as I rather thought they would. Gordy was a bit shy at first, but the site of computers soon loosened his tongue. When he is not grubbing about in gardens he is a bit of a geek, no, make that a lot of a geek and loves computers.

Very soon, L had taken Andi, plus the box of her wedding finery, off into the bedroom and Brian and Gordy were discussing computers. I went to my closet to get changed.

At eleven-thirty I began to feel really nervous. I did so hope everything would go ok. I was just beginning to think no one would get here, when Mum and Dad arrived in my closet. Gordy’s parents showed up soon afterwards. I took them into the den and Brian talked to them and made them comfortable. I checked that everything was ready for the Handholder, then went back to wait.

At a quarter to twelve I was getting panicky. Where was she? A sudden whoosh made me look up to see Minnimarni, looking as white as a sheet, but absolutely determined. She was holding something that made my eyes open wide. The family wedding cup! How she had got that I do not know, but it would make Andi supremely happy. You shall see how it is used in the proper place, but every family has one, as every family has a birthday cup, as you saw last month. Andi thought we would not be able to use ours and I had arranged with the Holder to bring a substitute. Now it would not be needed. I was so happy for Andi and Gordy, it would bring them a lot of good luck to use our cup, which had been used for generations.

Well, Minnimarni went into the den and I went on waiting, but I was getting panicky. It was ten minutes to twelve and suddenly, she was there. She did not rush, she smiled at me serenely out of those amazing blue eyes, gave me a firm hand clasp and I led her into the den, with bottomless relief.

“I did not want to come too early,” she said, as we walked down the small hall, “It is better this way. Yes, the atmosphere is absolutely right here. The hand will like it.”

When we came into the den, the talk died away. Everyone bowed to the Handholder and she smiled at everyone graciously. I introduced her to Brian, he leaned down to shake hands.

“I’m very glad to meet you,” he said. “Thank you for coming here today and for everything you’ve done for Bert.”

I am not sure what happened then. She gave him the same firm hand clasp she gave me and murmured something to him that I did not hear and he smiled, nodded and moved away. Obviously I was being talked about, but I wish I knew what they were saying. Oh well.

The handholder walked to the table, which we had moved into the middle of the room. As in the Hold at the colony, there was no ornament nor cloth on it and behind it was one chair. She unslung the pack from her shoulders and placed it gently on the table. From the pack she took a crystal box, about half the size of the one at the colony, but no less beautiful. It glittered brilliantly in a thousand colours. Next to this she place the family’s silver wedding cup, which was about the size of a coffee cup, small, straight-sided and deep. Lastly, she placed on the table a silver vase, filled with white flowers, picked in the magic gardens of the Old Country.

At about one minute to twelve, L came out of the bedroom, looking beautiful in a floaty, floral chiffon dress and smelling of her favourite orange blossom perfume. She went to her favourite place on the sofa beside Brian. Gordy stood ready beside the den door. We were ready to go.

At exactly noon andi walked into the den, took Gordy’s hand and they walked up to the table on which the box stood. Andi looked absolutely beautiful in her ivory silk dress, with ivory and pink flowers in her hair. L had given her, as her special present, a beautiful little pearl pendant and earrings to wear on her special day, she carried a pretty little bouquet of fresh flowers and I could not help thinking that I had never seen a more beautiful bride. But although the clothes were pretty, it was the look on her face that made Andi look so amazing. I do not have words enough to describe it. She looked up at Gordy as if she were being given the whole world. Her happiness lit up her face and made her beautiful.

The Handholder welcomed us all to the wedding of Gordus and Andelaine and began the ceremony. I think most weddings, to a point, are similar. We heard about What marriage was intended for, according to the lep code and then Andi and Gordy were given some advice about what was expected from each of them, you know the drill! Smile. The language of our ceremony is beautiful, but I cannot, even if I was allowed to, write it down here, I have enough to tell you already.

At last, the Handholder held out her hands toward the box on the table and began to speak in the Hold’s sacred language. Her tone was soft, almost crooning and in very little time, the lid of the box began to open, the bright light and wonderful smell were issuing forth into the room and a hand was lifting itself out towards us.

It was not, of course, the same hand as was used in our colony, it was smaller, but it was the helping hand in every detail, pure white, wreathed in light and luminescent mist, its rings sparkling on the tiny fingers. We all gazed at it in awe and wonder. I could not believe it. A helping hand, right here, in the Lair!

You could have heard a pin drop in the room, as the Handholder picked up the wedding cup. She lifted it to her lips and I could see them moving briefly, then she dropped a light kiss on the cup’s rim. She was filling the cup with a blessing, a wish and a kiss for the bride and groom, in the presence of the Hand.

She passed the cup to my Dad, who left his own wedding blessing, wish and kiss and passed it to my Mum. In this way, the cup went right around the room, until it came to me, when I left my gifts and passed it back to the Handholder.

“Brian and Louise,” she said, “Please come forward.” I was so surprised, but no more surprised than they were! They both stood up and came forward hand in hand. I had noticed L looking wistful. I had told her about this part of the ceremony and I knew she had wanted to join in, but you cannot very well when you are a human. I wondered what the lady wanted with my humans.

“I know you wish to leave your gifts too,” said the lady. “Louise, give me your right hand, take the cup in your left. Put it to your lips, whisper a wish, a blessing, then kiss the rim. You have given much to this couple and your gifts should go into the wedding cup too.”

There was a murmur of astonishment, quickly subdued. L took the lady’s hand, gently took the cup in her other hand and left her gifts in it. Then Brian did the same. When they had returned to their places, the lady held the cup just beneath the edge of the box.

“O helping hand,” she said, “You have borne witness to the giving of the wedding gifts. We ask you to seal them with yours.”

At this, the hand bent down and dipped the tip of one finger into the cup. Before this, you could not see anything in that cup, it had looked empty. Now, when the hand had moved away, back to its former position, the cup looked as though it was full to the brim of a sparkling white liquid. It caught the light and was so bright you could hardly look at it.

Next andi and Gordy made their promises to each other. They vowed before the Hand to love, honour and help each other lifelong. When that was gone through, Gordy and Andy laid their clasped hands on the table. My dad came up to the table and put his forefinger on their hands, to symbolize parental consent from Andi’s side of the family. Gordy’s Dad put his finger on the hands as guarantee of consent from Gordy’s family. Finally, the Handholder added her finger. Then she spoke.

“Oh helping hand. We are met in a place where there is no discord, where love and happiness lives. Andelaine and Gordus stand before you. The vows have been made, consent has been given according to our code. Now we ask you to seal the bond.” There was a pause. I hoped fiercely. Everyone held their breath.

After what seemed an eternity the hand slowly leaned out of the box and added its forefinger to the not of fingers on the table. At once, a glittering thread of light sprang from it, tying the hands together. It was only there for a moment and then it had gone, the hands were moving apart, but Andi and Gordy were married.

The lady smiled with a smile that lit up her whole face.

“Gordus and Andelaine,” she said, “By the grace of the Helping Hand, you are bonded for life.”

Then, picking up the wedding cup, she beckoned to me.

“Bertalius, you have worked hard at bringing this husband and wife together,” she said. “None but you shall pour the wedding cup.”

Well, I have to say, by this time, I was a mess. I have been to a fair few weddings, but do not forget, I had not been to one for twenty years and I had worked hard for this one and to see Andi and Gordy looking so radiantly happy, oh it was just all a bit too much. Well, I wiped my face, took the cup and poured out our gifts over the new-made husband and wife, showering them with our blessings, wishes and kisses.

And at that moment, the most wonderful thing of all happened. We heard singing. It was coming from the table.

When I had first seen the flowers the lady had brought, I had thought they were just for decoration. A posy of small, white flowers, they looked rather like snowdrops, in a silver vase somewhat too large for them. Now, as we all turned to look, the flowers were changing. For one thing, they were growing larger, shooting up on tall, slender stalks, until they were as big as sunflowers. Next, they were turning from pure white to all the colours of the rainbow. They seemed to change colour as you looked at them, their petals glowing like the most shimmering iridescent silk you ever saw. Lastly, the singing was coming from them. There were no words, exactly, but the music was so beautiful it would break your heart. The sweet voices made harmony and melody I cannot even begin to describe, while the flowers grew bigger and brighter until they filled the vase and lit up the room.

Suddenly, at the most joyful climax of the melody, the singing ended, the flowers seemed to burst into tiny pieces, then a shower of sparkling noonday stars was floating down, landing on all of us, touching us with a blessing, before vanishing, leaving just the empty vase on the table.

After the singing, the silence was profound. It was broken by the lady.

“The ceremony is now complete,” she said, with the suggestion of a twinkle in those amazing eyes. “Your married life has now begun. May the helping hand bless the bond and help you always to treasure this day.”

And with that, there was a clatter, as the hand when back into its box, the light and that wonderful smell disappeared and the Lair was just the Lair again, but filled with something so so special!

The Handholder turned briskly from the table, picked up her pack, put away her things in about a minute, as the silence broke and we all began to talk. She shook hands with Gordy and Andi, before shouldering her pack and preparing to leave.

“I wish a wonderful day to you all.” She said and I took her into my closet. To my surprise, L followed me in.

“Is it ok if I just say hello, I didn’t get the chance to be introduced and I have a lot to thank the lady for.” She said.

L and the Handholder shook hands and again, that odd thing happened. Gordy called me, he wanted to know about some fiddling little detail or other, but the lady said, “Off you go, Bert, I will see you again. Take care of yourself and be well.”

AS I left the room, I heard L and the lady talking in low voices, but I would give everything in my wardrobe to know what they were saying! When I came back to the closet, the Handholder had gone and L was looking thoughtful. When I asked if everything was ok, she gave me a huge hug without answering.

Soon after that, everyone else left, promising they would be back for half-past two. Then we were busy, oh my stars yes!

I do not think we sat down for more than a minute until about two-fifteen. At that time, everything was ready and looking fantastic. A mixture of human food and lep wild food was piled in dishes and on plates and platters on every flat surface in den and kitchen. Trays of nuts were ready for the oven. Piles of little plates were all ready to be filled. Phalanxes of gleaming glassware was ready to be filled with chilled Perry and white wine, bottles and boxes of which filled the fridge. The wine had been Andi’s idea, actually, she had reminded me that it was sometimes made as well as Zair. L had found something light and fruity enough and not too strong, I had taken a little to Andi for sampling and we had settled on it for serving at the party. I just hoped we had thought of everything. Looking around the room, I was pretty sure we had. I looked at Brian and L, looking so smart in their best clothes. They had done all this for my family. My heart just filled with such a mixture of emotions. I am just. So. Lucky!

At about twenty past two andi and Gordy arrived. They had been back to London, done a quick visit to various family members and, of course, been to see Barty and he had roared, as they had known he would, but Andi had faced him down. She was a married woman now and he could not do a thing about it. Andi looked calm, happy and at peace.

“Come on, let’s party!” she said.

At two twenty-five we turned on the music and at two-thirty the guests began to arrive. Hoards of them. I was on door duty and welcomed people as they arrived. They zapped in my closet, then formed a line out of there, down the hall and into the den. I was busily shaking hands when the party turned into a nightmare in one second flat.

We leps love parties, but we do not have what you might call party clothes. Everyone who came that day had on something smart, not his or her house clothes, but you mostly saw dark suits on the men and neat dresses in pretty colours on the young fems, or in softer, or darker colours on the older ones. No one was wearing anything bright, gaudy or glittery. So the lithe body undulating towards me in the glittering pink and silver lurex cat suit stood out like a sore thumb, as did the huge ears, with cascading curls of long, silky blonde hair coming out of them, tied up in bright pink ribbons. The elfin face was wearing a cheeky smile, the pointy little nose was twitching in the direction of wine, the huge, limpid aqua eyes were giving me their most come-hither look and the tiny little feet that always seemed to be walking where they were not wanted were clad in bright pink six-inch stiletto heels.

Oh, my stars, I thought! Oh my holy moon and stars! Hand help me!

If she had been expecting me to give her a warm welcome, she was sadly mistaken. I was totally horrified to see her and could only gasp: “Tealy! What are you doing here?”

She told me that she had turned up at the Merseyside house looking for me and that Andi had invited her in and, worse, invited her to the party! I caught Andi’s eye and she was looking so pleased with herself that I did not have the heart to give her the thunderous scowl I had been going to loose on her. She would find out her mistake soon enough.

Well, the party got under way, I went on welcoming guests until everyone had arrived and then that little horror Tealy fastened herself to me like a clinging vine and would not let go of me. In vain I pleaded that I had work to do. Tealy would insist that I must fill her plate and glass, this last at very regular intervals, she would not let me go and talk to any of my family unless she came with me and as I did not want to inflict her on anyone I got stuck in a corner with her, while she poured the history of the latest Hinky row into my unwilling ears and insisted she had done with him forever and wanted a nice, steady, normal person for her boyfriend now.

When she went to powder her nose I managed to escape, begged Brian and L to give me something to do, but they, bless their hearts, had all the work under control and I got buttonholed again before I could get anything to do. Later in the evening, when Tealy really was several sheets to the wind, as humans would put it, I took advantage of her buttonholing Andi for a minute and escaped to my closet.

I had been sitting there, enjoying the peace for a good ten minutes when the door opened and L came in. We were enjoying something of a heart to heart on the subject of my ever having a girlfriend of my own and I was just thinking that this party had not been a complete disaster, when bang! The door was thrown open and a giggling, hiccupping horror in pink was telling me to Come out, come out where evvevver I was!

It just got worse after that. She clung all over me, cuddled and tried to kiss me, got tearful, then hysterically giggly and then, mercifully disappeared. I thought she’d had too much to drink, felt ill and gone decently home. I had a blessed, blissful couple of hours of happy chatting with my family and got some food into me, I had not had a bite all day!

Finally, people began to go. Andi and Gordy left, Gordy giving me a huge clap on the back and wringing my hand until it ached. Andi gave me the hugest hug and they went back to Merseyside for their honeymoon. Within half an hour we had the place to ourselves. Everyone just zapped out of the den this time, so the goodbyes were pretty disorganized, but wow! It was quiet when everyone had gone and it was just us and all the clearing up.

Brian began to put the room to rights, while L and I started on the dishes. WE got a lot done, but I was dropping. The week had been so so busy. Finally, when I nearly dropped a glass, L said this wouldn’t do and that I must go to my closet and go to sleep. I protested, but she was firm about it, so I had to go.

I opened my closet door with a feeling of utter thankfulness. I looked around the lovely comfy room, the nice colours there, soft, muted and warm, at all my lovely things. Then my eye fell on one jarring note. There was a splash of bright pink. Tealy was lying on my bed. I rushed over to her in absolute fury. I thought for one minute, well, you know what I thought. But no, she was passed out cold. I shook her hard, but she was so out of it, not even a hurricane would have woken her.

This was bad. In fact, I lost it. I crashed out of my closet and had something of a tantrum. I could not think for a minute what to do. Then I picked up L’s phone, called Hinky and demanded he come over and get his girlfriend. He sounded surprised to hear from me, but resigned and said he’d come. While we were waiting for him to arrive, I made a cup of tea and by the time I had done that, Hink was walking out of my closet, looking unsure of himself.

Of course, he knows the Lair well, having worked for L once, but he had left in a hurry to take a job in the states. He need not have worried about his welcome. WE were all glad to see him. Brian and L were nice to him, asked how he was and thanked him for coming. We asked what he would do with Tealy. He said he would take her to his place for the night and then see if they could sort things in the morning. Tealy was limp as a rag as Hink put her over his shoulder and vanished.

After that I changed my bed, as I could absolutely not sleep on it with the smell of Tealy’s perfume all over the sheets. L had asked me how she had got into the closet at all when I had not been in there first, but I had reminded her, Tealy had helped to design it, so much of her own magic was in there and she could easily make the room morph. As I remade the bed I felt very worried. If Hinky could not resolve his issues with Tealy I was going to have a serious problem. As I got into bed and dropped thankfully into sleep, I sent up a fervent prayer to the Hand that it would not be one I would be forced to deal with, but, to be honest, I am not holding out much hope in that direction. Hinky did not look very loving when he picked Tealy up, in fact he looked sick and tired of her.

On Sunday morning I was awake first, feeling much refreshed. I set to work with a will and by the time a tousled, sleepy Brian came in to turn on the computers, the den and kitchen shone like a new pin. L soon followed and, bless them, they were really pleased I had stolen a march on them and finished the clearing up.

I got breakfast, then checked my Facebook. There was talk of the wedding all over the place, everyone discussing what a great time they had and laughing about that firecracker in pink who would not let go of Bert! I also had a brief Email from Barty. He said that he had suspected I had been at the bottom of his daughter’s disappearance and that as I was his brother he would take no legal steps against me, but that he would never speak to me again. Like I am really sad about that!

Once I had finished at the computer and had everything straight here, I left for London. I arrived at the colony and went straight to Derry’s cube. The place shone like a new pin, the lings were tidy and clean. Derry was champing at the bit to be off and we were soon heading for the healing gardens.

It is wonderful to be taking Mella home, but I shall be sorry to see the last of that beautiful place. Those gardens are so full of serenity, the air is so sweet, the breezes so fresh, the sun is never too hot there. Mella was waiting for us beside the fountain and we all walked back across the green meadow, drinking the place in, before we had to leave it.

“I wouldn’t have wished what happened to me on no one, Bert,” said Mella. “But if any good come out of it, at least I seen this place. It helps you face what you got to face, if you can do it in a place like this.” She paused and looked sad for a moment. Then her face brightened. “Come on, here we are. Let’s go home, I can’t wait to see the lings.” And home we went.

Mella received an uproarious welcome. I did not stay long once I had seen her safely installed in her favourite swinging chair. I went down to Mum and Dad’s and spent a few hours with them and was back at L’s early. I really did feel absolutely wrung out, physically and emotionally, so I was in bed very early.

Yesterday morning started, as usual, with a tiny scroll, tied up in pink. I opened it, expecting the usual smile over Babsy’s news, but my face soon fell.

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a bad report this week.”

“Uncle Bert I hates this place I can’t do nothing I gets everything messed up and nobody likes me and I wants to go home only they won’t let me.”

“May the sun shine on you always and the helping hand preserve you from harm.”

“Your affectionate niece.”

“Barbriella Nilena.”

Oh dear oh dear! How well I remember those weeks, when no one liked me and nothing went right and I was so homesick I thought I would have died. The difference was that I knew I could not go home. I wrote a comforting word back to Babsy before I did anything else.

The rest of the day was very very busy. L was not particularly well, so I took care of her. She, Brian and I are working on an audio project, so we did an enormous amount of work on it. L helped Brian and I when she felt well enough and slept when she did not. We really did not stop all day. I cooked us a nice dinner and in the evening I snuggled in my usual place, with my little glass filled with white wine and listened to music for an hour before dropping into my yawning bed! This morning I got up at my usual time. I had a quick check on Facebook. Stars, it is good to see Mella back on there. I had a talk to her, she is working herself gently back into things and Mum is helping her until she is one hundred per cent her old self again.

When I checked my Email I got a shock. I had five Emails from Tealy and just one from Hinky, not the usual reams of forwarded stuff.

“Hi, Bert”

“I’m real sorry about the other night. I got to tell you, Buddy, Tealy and me is finished for good. Fact is, we don’t work and we never did. She don’t like the things I like and I don’t understand her world. Then she found out this little gal Luki got her eye on me and raised holy commotion about it, though at the time there wasn’t nothing in it. Well, thing is, there wasn’t then, there is now. I want me a nice, quiet, homey girl who isn’t everlasting thinking about clothes and her ear hair and who’ll let me watch a game without talking all the time! So Tealy ain’t my problem anymore, old Buddy. I’m well rid. Hope you’re keeping ok. Give my best to Brian and Miss Bear.”

“Hink.”

My first thought on reading this was a string of human and lep swear words. This was just badness in the extreme! I opened the mails from Tealy and my worst fears were confirmed. Many apologies from her about getting so sauced on Saturday, furious complaints about being dumped by Hinky and suggestions that I should Email her/call her/meet her somewhere for a talk. She needed all her friends at this crisis in her life. Um, no, no and no!

I did not write to Tealy, but I did write to Andi, telling her that if Tealy showed up, on no account was she to be let in. I am not going to be forced to deal with this. I. am. Not!

Well, after that we just got on with the day. Brian and L have been working and I have been writing this. Now that you are all up to date I will have a bite of lunch, then I will go and help with the work.

I do hope you have had a good few days. Thank you very much, as ever, for reading this. I will write again soon, or as soon as I can, anyway. Big smiles.

June 10.

Hi everyone. My stars, what a week! What with one thing and another, I have not had time to turn around! There I was, thinking life would go back to being quiet and slightly humdrum after the wedding, but no no and no. I have been up to my ears in work here and trying to deal with an unexploded bomb in my personal life, so to speak. Moon, where do I begin?

Well, let me see. Brian says it is ok to talk about this now, so I need not keep it under wraps anymore that Team-Fm is coming back on the air. You could have knocked me down with a dandelion clock when Brian and L told me the news! Of course, some things will be different and some will be a lot better and I just cannot wait for the station to be back up and running again!

Of course, getting things going again has entailed all three of us doing a tremendous amount of work, but this kind of work is my meat and drink and I absolutely love it. I am not going to use my private journal to talk much about this project, it is really more about the goings on in my own life, all I will say here is that Brian and L are happy to be reopening the station and giving it their best and that makes me happy too.

The rest of Tuesday was fairly quiet. All we did was work hard on audio production, then I cooked a nice dinner and we all fell into bed fairly early. On Wednesday morning I got up as usual and logged on to Facebook to see what was cooking with the family. It seems that Tuli’s boy Herby and little PattiAnne are now inseparable. Herby’s still hobbling about on a crutch and only goes to school half the day. When he is at home, he helps a lot by looking after the youngling, playing with her and keeping her happy while Tuli takes care of the rest of the lings and minds the cube. Tuli does not know what to make of this but, as I told her, PattiAnne did almost save his life, so you cannot really wonder at it.

Derry is worrying about Mella trying to do too much. She missed the lings so much while she was away. Now she is back, she is trying to make up for lost time and wearing herself out, looking after the lings. I know from experience they are a boisterous bunch, especially little Milly. When I saw Derry’s news feed, I wondered if I could do anything to help. Decided I would have a talk to Brian and L about it.

When I checked my Email my heart sank. More Email from Tealy. The thing is, she was not being annoying this time. She was just going on at great length about how sad she was about Hinky. To be honest, even if he is my friend, I have to say he has not treated her very well. She was awfully good to him, gave him anything he wanted and looked after him so well, took time off from her job at the drop of a hat if he wanted to be with her, in fact I do not think she could have done more. It is not her fault that she and Hinky are like chalk and cheese. And then he took that job in the states and just left, without any compunction at all. Of course, he could have gone on with the relationship, it would have been slightly more difficult with the time difference, but distance does not matter so much to us magical creatures, but no, he just dumped her and left me trying to pick up the pieces.

Well, I did my best to be a good friend and just when I thought I had her settled, back comes Hink, wanting to take up where he had left off! And now this! Poor Tealy! I would be one hundred per cent there for her, except that it would only end up being a mess. I do think she is genuinely broken hearted, but she has her own ways of dealing with these things. Personally I think it is daft to seek the answer to anything in the bottom of a wine glass. You only have the same questions staring at you again in the morning. And although nature abhors a vacuum, or so they say, rushing into another relationship with the first person handy is definitely not going to solve anything in Tealy’s case. In fact if I were silly enough to contemplate doing any such thing, it would make her problems a hundred times worse, not to mention mine too! But, the question is, is she ever going to see it that way?

I decided to answer Tealy’s Email. It was only a line or two, very noncommittal, but I decided I could not go on ignoring her, it would only make her cling tighter. You do not put out fires by pretending they do not exist. After that, I went in to get breakfast. As we were drinking coffee, I told Brian and L about Mella’s problems and asked if, when work is finished for the day, I might be spared to go and help her for an hour or two, she might be able to use a little help, at least with the Lings’ bed time. There was a long pause when I had put the question.

“Well, Bert,” Brian said. “You know we’ll always help you and your family in any way we can. The thing is though, you are our lep and your priority has to be your work here. L and I have let you have a lot of free time while you were getting ready for the wedding and that’s ok, it really is, but it did mean we didn’t always have as much help as we could have done with. That was ok too, we managed for that short while. But look, we’re really busy now and we’re really going to need you. So your work here comes first. Having said that, if everything’s done here then yes, of course we don’t mind you going.”

I felt again just how lucky I am to be working for Brian and L! I had just started to blurt out some words of thanks when L said:

“We know how much your Sundays at home have come to mean to you, sweetie. We thought you might like to keep Sunday as your family day, now that you don’t have to keep visiting the Healing Gardens.”

Well! I was just so amazed and delighted. Bear hugs all over the place! But it’s absolutely great that I can now go home every Sunday! I threw myself into work that day and went at it like a beaver! I cooked Brian’s favourite steak, chips and onion rings for dinner.

In the evening, I Emailed Andi and Gordy. Brian had told me that we were leaving early in the morning. He had to go to the office and then he had to go to the Merseyside tomb for a few hours, as there was some business which had come up there that he needed to take care of personally. He asked me to apologize to the honeymooners, but to tell them that he and I would need to stay over Thursday night. We would leave Friday mid morning.

I had expected Andi to be annoyed, but she seemed really pleased to be going to see us. Well, that was a good thing, I thought. I had another mail from Tealy. No histrionics, no mention of Hinky, just talk about her day, her work and a shopping expedition she was planning for the weekend. I wrote back again in the same light vein. That done, I had a glass of wine with Brian and L and went to bed.

The next day was wet and miserable and we had a horrible journey north. I do hate leaving the lovely, cosy Lair and getting that nasty train. I know I am not alone. I just cannot wait until we never have to do it again! No one paid me any attention on the train, everyone was too preoccupied with the bad weather, I think. When we got to Stoke I made myself scarce and zapped to Merseyside.

I arrived to find the house warm, full of cooking smells and Tealy sitting in the kitchen, nursing a cup of nettle tea! She was wearing strawberry pink trousers, a tight white top covered in glittery pink beads and high-heeled pink boots with pointy toes. Her long, blonde ear hair was tied up with white ribbon sewn with tiny glittery pink beads and she had on quantities of bangles in pink and silver, which jingled every time she moved her expressive little hands. She also wore a very large, triumphant smile.

My first reaction was long, loud, four-lettered and remained in my head. I did unleash a murderous glare at Andi, who was looking at something she had in the oven, so did not see it. But, I thought, this is intolerable! I told her specifically that Tealy was not to be invited in!

Andi greeted me in her usual friendly way, but tealy cried out “Daaaaarling!” jumped up to give me a hug, which I was not quick enough to dodge and tried to kiss my cheek, which I was not having at any price. I do not care how bad it made me look, I am not going there.

I politely but firmly disengaged myself, sat down at the table and accepted a cup of tea and a slice of strawberry cake which was actually quite edible, for a change! Andi was cooking up a storm as usual and Tealy chattered on and on about a lot of nothing much. I put in a word when I could, but the two girls seemed to be doing fine without me, so after a while I wandered off to pick up the mail and sort it for Brian, hoping Tealy would be gone when I got back.

No such good luck! She stayed for hours! She stayed to lunch! In fact it was nearly time for Brian to arrive before she left. She chattered and giggled and flirted with me the whole time and nearly drove me completely insane! She kept coming to sit near me, insisted on being next to me at lunch, which made my appetite for Andi’s cooking worse than usual. Her hand kept accidentally brushing mine as we passed dishes at table. Her elbow touched mine as she cut into her carrot pudding. When she dropped her fork, of course, I had to pick it up for her and her fingers brushed mine as she took it from me and thanking me, she looked right up into my eyes with such a soppy expression that I wanted to sink right through the floor! I just could not get away from her! The sound of her voice, the jingling of her bangles and the clouds of sweet, heavy perfume which wafted all around her whenever she moved, seemed to be all over the house! Stars, you had better believe I was glad when she finally left, promising to see me again soon! Not if I see her first, she will not!

When she had gone I wanted to have it out with Andi right there and then, but she was cooking like a demon in the kitchen and told me to go away, she was busy! Me! In my own house, well, Brian’s house, but I’m his lep and she had no right to order me out of his kitchen! I was so wild I could have spit fire and chewed brimstone, as I have heard L say.

Brian arrived in the early evening, looking tired and hungry. Andi welcomed him warmly and took him into the kitchen. Oh stars! You should have seen Brian’s face, it was a study! He had planned to order pizza for dinner, as he always does when we are together at the tomb. I could perfectly easily cook, but he likes to get a pizza from this particular place he orders from, as their pizza is really good.

And now here was the kitchen table, groaning under the weight of food which Andi had been cooking all day. She had emptied the cupboard of things humans can eat and Brian would have no recourse to telling her he could not eat wild food! No laurel pie nor ragwort salad was here, no stewed wild greens, there was a mixed vegetable pie which, by the smell, contained mushrooms, which Brian cannot stand. The stew of turnips, carrots, potatoes, onions and cabbage looked like an edible version of hedgerow casserole, but she could not resist adding wild garlic. Oh dear. Brian is anti garlic, I am never allowed to use it in my cookery! The bread looked all right until it was sliced, when I saw that it had herbs kneaded into the dough and more wild garlic! Oh dear oh dear! Well, what could we say? Poor brian sat down at the table, looking as if he were going to the guillotine. He was served a huge plate of food and did his best with it, but it was a hopelessly losing battle. I, on the other hand, had the best meal at the Tomb I have ever had. The use of proper vegetables made Andi’s lep cookery very edible indeed and I tucked in heartily and even had seconds.

Luckily, before the end of the meal Gordy’s Skype rang and it was a video call from Minnimarni, so they both politely excused themselves for just a minute. Minnimarni has to grab time on the computer when she can, as Barty always guards it jealously when he is around and locks it up when he goes to work, so finding an unguarded moment was a rarity. As soon as they had gone, I grabbed Brian’s plate and fed its contents down the waste disposal unit.

“Stars, Mr. Brian,” Said Andi when she came back, beaming. “You finished that fast.”

“Well, I was hungry.” Said Brian, “And I never like to bolt my food in front of a lady.” Oh, may he be forgiven! I had hard work not to laugh, I can tell you.

“Can I give you seconds of anything?” asked Andi, picking up her big spoon.

“No no, thank you,” said Brian, a shade too fast. “It was all really delicious and I am quite full.”

Full, was he? Is that why the pizza van pulled up outside the pub around the corner, so Andi would not see it and we sneaked the spoils up to his room and devoured it between us? Giggling here!

We got Brian’s business done on Friday morning and left for the Lair. Actually, I wanted to zap back, because L was very unwell, had been all night. But we had to go on the boring boring train as usual. The weather was worse than ever, very stormy, with tree branches all over the roads as we drove home in the taxi. We were both mightily glad to get back here, I can tell you!

I had tried to have it out with Andi before leaving in the morning, but she had brushed me off.

“Come off it, Bert,” She said. “It was an ‘orrible day! I couldn’t leave the elf outside in the pouring rain! An’ besides, she’s fun, I like her! She wants cheering up, an’ she likes being here with us, it won’t do no harm!” Well, I just shrugged. What could I say?

The rest of Friday was spent in working and taking care of L. I really do need to have a talk to her about this Tealy thing, but will need to wait until she is better than she is at the moment.

Yesterday was the kind of day I really like. Quiet, pleasant and completely uneventful. I got up at the usual time, did my Facebook, no real news there except that Lita says little Danic is finally well enough to come home. They are going to keep him one more week and then let him home and see how he gets on. I am really pleased about this, well, we all are.

I had another Email from Tealy, just normal chat. I did not know what to do about it, chose to ignore my own advice and did not answer. Bad idea! I had five more by the end of the day! Just. Help!

I went into the den to get some breakfast, but was only able to get it for Brian and I, L was still unwell, so we took care of her between us and did a good amount of work. In the evening Brian and L did their show, then we had a couple of glasses of wine and heard some great music before going to bed.

Today I was up at the normal time, I went through my usual morning routine. I had an Email from Mum with one very odd piece of news in it. Apparently old Bossy had been down to see her, asking for news of Ikey and for help. When someone is in the lockholes, they may be visited by family members only, fiancés don’t count, unless given express permission. Mig has not given permission, in fact she has forbidden Bossy to go anywhere near Ikey again. Mum told me Veriana, well, that is her name after all, is like a different woman. Not much left of old Bossy now, she said. She was pleading with Mum to persuade Mig to let her see the boy. What a strange world! To think that old boss I mean Veriana should really care for that young rip! I think, if I get a chance, I will put in a word for Vee, well, that is what she told me to call her. After all, stranger relationships have existed, I ought to know.

After I had got breakfast I went home to the London colony. I had a lovely day, first at Mella’s, where I helped her with household chores, played with the lings and, when they had all gone off foraging with Derry, had some lovely quiet talk with Mella. Then I went home to Mum and Dad’s and had a natter with them over tea and buttercup cake. I got home just before The Music Machine started. When it has finished and I am done here, I will cook a lovely dinner for my people, then we will have our usual cosy, companionable evening together, before a new week begins.

And there, you are all up to date! I hope you have all had a good few days. Thanks, as ever, for reading and I will write again as soon as I can. I must go, there is a chicken that is crying out to be stuffed with sage and onion and roasted! Yummy! Very big smiles.

June 16

Hi, everyone. This week has been extremely busy and rather interesting, in one way and another. If I wrote in here more often, I would not have to do these mammoth catch ups, but what with work, family and the trials and woes of the lady in pink, I am a bit pushed for time these days. Never mind, I’m here now, so, if you are sitting comfortably, I will begin.

On Monday morning I awoke at my usual time, to the usual scroll tied in pink. I wondered what young Babsy’s week had been like and opened it eagerly to see.

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. I have a bad cold and have received a fair report this week.”

“Why does it not never stop raining in this place I got caught in it three times last week and now I got the worst cold I ever had and all the girls in me cube laugh at me cos I can’t stop sneezing it aint fair I tell you it aint me lessons is going ok but Madam Prim made me throw the lemon curd out cos I sneezed in it uncle Bert I spent a hour stirring the stuff I was so wild and they all laughed at me it’s a rotten zlenky swiz I don’t know how you stood it here for all them years sometimes I think I’m going off me head.”

“May the sun shine on you always and the helping hand preserve you from harm.”

“Your affectionate niece.”

“Barbriella Nilena.”

All right, I freely admit to laughing out loud at that one! Poor little Babsy! Lemon curd is a horror to get right, I cannot count the number of times mine curdled and went lumpy, or went runny and just refused to thicken at all. Still, practice makes perfect, it is one of L’s favourite things to have on her pancakes now! I wrote back to Babsy, then got up to get on with the day. Once I was showered and dressed I booted up Nia Netbook to see what was what with the family. Lita said that Danic was going to be allowed home Sunday, that is tomorrow, all being well. Very good news indeed! Andi was on Facebook and we had a chat. I told her I would be coming up later in the week, as Brian was going to be away for work for a couple of days. She said that was fine. I expected her to have started the cooking already and tried not to dread it too much. I checked my Email and there, as expected, was mail from Tealy. She was chattering on at great length about her shopping trip, the friends she had met and a fantastic place she had found to eat in an elfhold somewhere in the West End of London. She suggested she get me a pass, so that we could meet up and have dinner there. Er, no and again no! I wrote her a polite Email back, told her I was far too busy at work and helping the family, but I had a feeling she would not give up.

Well, I went to get breakfast and soon we were all hard at work, Brian with work things, L and I with work for Team-Fm. It would have been a nice, uneventful kind of day, only I kept getting distracted. Tealy texted me about six times, asking how my day was going, complaining about someone at her work, saying she was bored, just silly trivial things. I tried not answering at first, but if you don’t answer she just texts all the more and a constantly bleeping text alert was driving us all mad. In the end I told her we were all busy and could she please stop texting.

When I was finished work and had cooked a nice dinner which only needed to be dished up, I zapped to the London colony, to see if I could give Mella a bit of help. I got there just in time, it seemed. It was absolute chaos and pandemonium in Mella's cube. Derry was out at work, she was trying to give the lings tea and they were all playing her up, she was looking very fragile and tired. I pitched in and helped her and we soon had things straight. Little Milly has a soft spot for me, so she was not so much inclined to misbehave under my eagle eye! Smile.

All the same, it was rather a long two hours before we had them all fed, bathed and in bed and I was absolutely exhausted. In the middle of the bedlam, I heard my phone ring. I thought it might be Brian or L and did not have time to look at the caller ID, silly me. It was not either of them, it was that dratted Tealy! I am afraid she got very short shrift from me.

When Derry came home from work everything was quiet and his dinner was on the table. They wanted me to stay and eat with them, but honestly, I was exhausted and longing to get home, so I excused myself and zapped off lairwards. I reheated the plate of dinner Brian and L had saved me, had my little glass of wine snuggled on the sofa and hit bed hard!

I can mostly skip over Tuesday, because it followed exactly the same pattern. I had a very contrite Email from Tealy in the morning, apologizing for bothering me and promising not to do it again, but by the end of the day I had received more texts, more Emails and voice messages. It really was getting beyond a joke. I zapped off to do my evening stint at Mella's in a very disturbed state of mind, thinking that when I got back I would put the whole thing in front of Brian and L and ask what they thought I should do.

Things at the cube were even more hectic that day. My phone buzzed, bleeped and dinged at me about six times, but as Brian and L had said that they would not contact me while I was at Mella's and I could safely ignore it, I did. Stars, I was glad to get all those noisy little twisters into bed, the dinner on the table and get off back to the lovely, quiet lair!

Brian and L were on the sofa, with nice music playing and their evening glasses of wine in hand. Brian patted my place and L filled my little glass for me and asked me about my day.

"Well, the day has been fine, everything was very hectic at Mella's, but it's all manageable and she's very grateful to you both for letting me come and help," I said. "But there has been a problem today. It's getting past a joke and I need to talk to you about it."

"Let me guess," Said Brian. "Has Tealy been a nuisance again? We've been so busy we haven't really noticed your phone that much. Has it been bad?"

"Awful." I said and to my complete embarrassment I could feel myself starting to get upset. "Brian, she won't leave me alone and I just don't know what to do about it.”

Honestly, what I would do without my people sometimes, I really do not know. Brian took my glass out of my wobbling hand, L took me on her lap and Brian told me to tell the whole thing from the start.

I began with the wedding, which they mostly knew about, to the flood of messages and mails and calls, through Tealy turning up at Merseyside last week and on to the end. I also told them how Hinky would be no more help now, as he had washed his hands of the problem.

"So she's left on my hands." I ended miserably.

"No she isn't." Said Brian.

"What?" I gave him a slightly bleary look.

"Tealy is only your problem if you choose to make her so. You've told us you don't want to fill Hink's shoes. Do you actually like her at all, as a friend?"

I had to think about that one.

"To tell the truth," I said, "I just don't know. All the time I've known her I've just seen her as Hinky's girlfriend, or I've been trying to mend her bleeding broken heart. I really don't know her as a person at all. I have no idea who she is."

"Well, sweetie," said L, giving my hand a comforting squeeze, "You can do one of two things. You can decide she isn't your problem, in which case you don't open texts, don't answer mails, ignore voicemail. If she's smart she'll get the message and leave you alone eventually."

I thought of the hail of mail, messages and texts I would receive before then, days and days of agony. I did not fancy the idea.

"What's your other idea, L?"

"Well, the best way to put out fires is to throw cold water on them. What I would do in your place is actually tell her you don't see her as a girlfriend and never can."

I gulped.

"Couldn't I write an Email?" I said.

"Well, you could, sweetie," L said. "But she would be that much more likely to believe it if you looked her square in the face and told her and explained why. Then, why don't you tell her that you can be friends if she wants. Of course, she may not want to, it may be the very last thing she wants, but if she's as lonely as she sounds, you never know. Either way, she'll know exactly where you stand and stop pestering you, or she will if she has any pride at all."

I chewed my thumb for a bit while I thought about this. The thought of having that kind of heart to heart with Tealy was about as appealing as last week's cold minced mole stew, but I could see the logic in it.

"I'll do it that way," I said, "I wonder how best to go about it though?"

"Well," said Brian in his best businesslike voice, "You have two free days. Didn't you tell us she asked you to dinner. All you need to do is Email her and accept her invitation, you can go to dinner tomorrow, or to lunch on Thursday. There shouldn’t be a problem."

I agreed and got out my phone there and then to send the Email. Tealy had been very busy while I was at Mella's! I waded through trivialities galore, including many reproaches for ignoring her and more silly flirtatious remarks than I ever want to read again. My teeth were gritted by the time I had reached the end. This really had to stop! I wrote the following Email:

"Hi, Tealy."

"Sorry for not answering before, I am very busy, both with work and with my family, so cannot often find much time. You were kind enough to ask me to have dinner with you. This would be nice, as I have something I need to talk to you about. Could we have dinner tomorrow, or if that is not convenient, could you do lunch on Thursday? It has to be one of those days, as they are my only two free days this week."

"Best regards."

"Bert."

I hit Send, thanked Brian and L for all their help and went off to get ready for bed, as we had an early start in the morning. Just before I got into bed my phone dinged, it was Tealy’s reply Email:

"Darling!"

"How utterly wonderful to hear from you at last, have been simply bored to death and desolate all day without a single word from you!"

"Sweetheart, very intrigued, what does a seriously cute lep need to talk seriously to Tealy about? Well, we'll soon see, won't we! I'll be delighted to dine with you tomorrow, I'll book a table at Amoroso, the delicious place I told you about. Now, don't go and be all chivalrous, darling, it's in an Elfhold, so you'll just have to let Tealy treat you this time. I refuse to eat grass pie and nettles in one of your ghastly lep colonies, I can give you something much nicer than that!"

"I'll have the Elfhold pass sent to your phone tomorrow, darling one and I'll send you a map nearer the time. See you tomorrow, Tealy’s very, very excited!" Goodnight. Kiss kiss."

Holy moon! I got into bed with a bright red face and turned out the light to hide it! I did not think I would get a wink of sleep, with everything I had on my mind, but I crashed and burned and the next thing I knew, Galinda's alarm was telling me it was 4:30 AM. I got up, had a quick shower, packed in a hurry, I had been far too preoccupied the night before to do any packing, helped L with breakfast, made sure everything at the Lair was straight and tidy for L and before we knew it we were on the boring boring train. I was absolutely dreading opening my Emails and with justification. Ten Emails from Tealy. Oh moon and stars in a lake!

Well, I am ashamed to say I did not read a word, I played games all the way to Stoke, then I made myself scarce and zapped to Merseyside, where Andi was waiting for me. Gordy was in the garden, even though it was pouring with rain!

Andi and I had a nice day. We decided to clean the house from top to bottom and bake a human cake for Brian and L, which I would take back with me. Andi was interested in human cookery and I said I would teach her a bit, so I had a look to see what was about and once we had everything clean, we set to and baked a big chocolate cake, which I knew would go down really well with both Brian and L. I adore chocolate, but Andi spat it out when I gave her a lick of the spoon once the bowls were scraped into the tin, she said it tasted disgusting and bitter! Honestly!

At about four in the afternoon, I was starting to get nervous. Tealy had been quiet all day and there had been no sign of any pass so that I could get into the Elfhold. I was starting to wonder if she had forgotten, or had not been able to obtain a pass, or something equally wonderful, when my phone made the kind of noise it has never ever made, a kind of sweet chime that seemed to go on reverberating for a long time.

I took it out of my pocket and on the lock screen was a picture of the head of an elf and the words "Visitor's Pass, valid 12 hours." As I looked at it the pass disappeared and my lock screen turned back to what it had been, my usual wallpaper, a picture of Brian and L, but alongside the usual icons at the bottom of the screen, there was another, a tiny elf's head, so small that you would have to squint to see it. I was just putting the phone back into my pocket, when into my mind flashed a picture of Knightsbridge Underground station. There I was, standing in front of the leftmost ticket machine. I nodded to myself. That was the gateway.

I went on with the day then, feeling more and more nervous, but it was not long before my phone buzzed again. This time it was a text from Tealy.

"Have arranged floater to be waiting for you by gateway at seven. Don't be late. Just Sit and tell it where to go. Amoroso. Can't wait to see you. Xxx"

Before I tell you about the evening, I suppose I had better explain about Elfholds, so you will know about them. The first thing you need to understand is, elves have been around a much longer time than any other magical creatures, so they have much, much more magic than any of us, but their technology is so frighteningly sophisticated that in their own Elfholds they do not have to use it much, in fact zapping inside an elfhold is not allowed. I do not know much about how elves live, all I know is that the gateways to Elfholds are always at railway, subway or underground stations. The holds themselves are away underground and most elves have no connection at all with the human world. I could never really get Hinky to talk much about why you are chosen to be a house elf. He says it runs in families, all his people have been house elves for generations past. Tealy is different again. I know she does not work for a human, although she does work in the human world, she has a day job, something to do with technology and comes back to the hold in the evening. Anyway, elves know nothing of the average lep's hard life and struggle to find food and living space. Elfholds are comfortable, not to say luxurious places, or so I had always heard. In spite of my stomach clinching nerves, I was looking forward to seeing one.

At five minutes to seven I said goodbye to Andi and Gordy and zapped to Knightsbridge Underground station. It was absolutely heaving, packed with people and I was afraid I was going to be squashed. I wove in and out of peoples' legs, trying to avoid getting myself noticed. If I got seen, people would take me for a lost child and collar me, which would not be good at all!

In the end I was lucky. I attached myself to a tourist with a big family. She was so busy trying to keep track of everyone, she did not see me tagging behind her and everyone else thought I was one of her children. We got into the station that way and I made a beeline for the ticket machines. Zlendt! The left most one had a line in front of it. I had to hide behind a big litter bin until the line went down and the time was ticking away. Finally I saw an opening, dashed up to the machine, grabbed my phone and held it up in front of me, so the screen was facing the machine.

I am used to zapping, but usually I know when I am going to zap, if you know what I mean. AS soon as whatever gizmo was in that machine saw my pass, it zapped me. I felt like I dropped about a zillion feet, my stomach hit my throat and I nearly dropped my phone. Luckily the feeling only lasted a second, as all zapping sensation does and then I was on solid ground, my senses were reeling with first impressions and I was staring around me.

The first thing I was aware of was the noise. it hit my ears so that I was almost knocked sideways. A mixture of many voices, what sounded like all the wind chimes in the world tinkling together and a kind of whirring noise, as if a flight of birds was going by over head now and then. As my ears became accustomed to the sounds, I tuned them down and began to take more notice of what I was seeing. I was standing at the entrance to an immense piazza, which seemed to stretch in every direction as far as I could see. The entrance was barred, however, by a gate of gilded bronze, so ornate and elaborate it hurt my eyes to look at it. I was approached by an elf in a neat grey cat suit, who had a slender silver rod slung in a holster across his shoulder. What that thing could do to me I did not like to think.

"May I see your pass?" he said stony-faced. I showed him my phone. He placed it on a square silver box, which chimed. The gates opened. I was nodded through without a word.

I stepped on to the piazza and frankly gawked. There was a deep blue sky overhead, with the sun just going down in it. The temperature was just comfortable, like a warm summer evening., there was a nice breeze. Beneath my feet were tiles in the most intricate mosaic you could possibly imagine, in beautiful warm earthy colours: Terracotta, cream, sand, cinnamon. The piazza was lined with shops, bars and restaurants, from whose every awning was strung the wind chimes which sounded in the breeze. The shops ranged from huge, multi-storied buildings to tiny little ones with goods spilling out on to the piazza for passers by to admire. The air was full of smells: leather, luxurious perfume, coffee, flowers, food being grilled over charcoal, freshly carved wood, delicious fruit and so many others. The piazza was the most luxurious place I had ever seen and it was swarming with elves, strolling everywhere, or sitting outside cafes, or talking in groups around one of the many statues. What was most amazing though was the size of the place. I cannot even begin to imagine how big it was. Think of the largest shopping mall you have ever been in and quadruple it. Of course, I did not get an idea of the size at first, I only knew that it stretched on and on as far as I could see, but I was soon to find out more.

I had been standing still, staring around me with my mouth open, when I heard a kind of high whirring noise, and there, standing in front of me, was a little red leather bucket chair with a foot rest. This must be the floater, I thought. I sat down in it, as I had been instructed. Immediately, straps zipped around my waste and shoulders.

"I need to go to Amoroso." I said, feeling rather silly.

The chair floated up into the air, making its soft whirring noise and took me on a long, smooth ride. I do not know how fast the floater went, all I know is we covered a lot of ground and everywhere looked the same. More mosaic far far below, more lines of shops, cafes, bars, restaurants. I saw no houses, nowhere for anyone to live. I was puzzled. All I saw were about a zillion elves, seemingly with nothing to do but have a very good time. And yet I knew it could not be like that. Someone had to do the work, sometime or other.

After about ten minutes the floater set me down in front of a low doorway between what looked like a bridal ware shop and one selling elaborate carved wooden trinkets. The door was so small that if I had not been put down right in front of it I would have missed it altogether. I got out of the floater, which disappeared with a whirr and entered Amoroso.

My heart immediately hit my boots. The place was tiny. There were about ten tables maximum. Soft candlelight, soft music played by an elf with a golden harp no less! The decor was deep rose pink, white and gold and there were hearts everywhere! The candle holders were hearts, the cruets were hearts, the table napkins were liberally embroidered with big gold hearts, the... well, you get the idea!

There were three couples already in there and, at the furthest table in the most heart-splattered corner, a little blonde figure was getting up and coming towards me. I gestured her to stay where she was and went to meet her, feeling as if I were going to the guillotine.

When Tealy makes an effort, you really know she has made an effort! She was wearing a shimmering rose pink cocktail dress, with a wisp of a gold scarf over her shoulders. Her ear hair was tied up with gold ribbon and on her feet she wore tiny gold sandals with what must have been seven inch heels. Her makeup was flawless, Her fingers sparkled with rings, her wrists jingled with gold bangles, her perfume wafted around her like a cloud. I, in my simple black trousers and white shirt and no. tie. felt completely smothered by all that opulent femininity, totally out of place and I just wanted to run away and hide!

"Darling! You made it!" she trilled as soon as she saw me. I was not quick enough to dodge a hug. WE settled into our seats and a waiter materialized with, oh no! Pink drinks! Long fizzy things, with sugar frosting around the rims and – oh this was not happeningto me – tiny, heart-shaped umbrellas. Was this going to get any worse?

Well, of course it did. We sipped our drinks and I will not tire you with Tealy’s conversation, her excitement at the fact that I was there, her attempts to flirt with me, even though I parried all her approaches as politely as I could. AS our heart-shaped fresh asparagus tartlets were set before us, I really did start to feel sorry for her. Was she so desperate for someone, anyone? She was not stupid. You only had to look at me to see that I was no great catch. And, I thought, Tealy was everything an elf fem should be, smart, funny, when she wanted to be, very beautiful, so why on earth was she wasting her time on me? She must have elves lining up for her! What was this all about?

As I listened to her chattering and tried to answer as best I could, the heart-shaped Tian of lamb with couscous, though it was very delicious, tasted like ashes in my mouth.

“Tealy has arranged for something special for dessert, darling.” She whispered, as our plates were cleared. “I think you’ll just love it!” I groaned inwardly. Oh stars.

A waiter came and put out the candle on our table, so that the whole area near us was plunged into semi-darkness. Then there was a whoosh of flame and another waiter came in and my mortification was complete!

On a huge heart-shaped silver dish was a tall stack of heart-shaped pancakes, layered with scoops of what was obviously home made ice cream, chopped strawberries in some alcoholic marinade and lavishly topped with swirls of whipped cream and a lava flow of white chocolate sauce. The whole thing had been doused in some kind of strawberry schnapps and set alight, so that it burned with a clear blue flame and on the very, very top of the whole elaborate concoction, there sat a silver holder, a hand holding a hart. In the holder, a sparkler fizzled wildly, lighting up our table so that everyone could see the dessert monstrosity. I stared in horror at the holder. The hand which bore the heart was engraved with the words “I Love You.”

Tealy was smiling in triumph. She waved the waiter away and pointed to two spoons, set side by side on the dish.

“This is the Amoroso Special, darling.” She said. “There are no separate servings allowed. WE have to both eat from this dish and, we have to feed it to each other. Come on, Tealy’s hungry!”

That did it. There is only so much any lep can stand and I had reached my limit.

“No, tealy.” I said, quietly but firmly. I waved to a passing waiter.

“Waiter, please take this away and bring us some coffee.”

The waiter gave me a look of deep contempt, picked up the untouched confection, relit our candle with a snap of his fingers and glided away. Tealy had been rendered speechless by surprise for a moment, but she soon recovered her voice.

“Well, really darling!” she pouted, “Don’t you think that was a little rude. After all, this is supposed to be my treat, you know.”

“Yes and I am sorry about that, Tealy, but there was no way I could have eaten that and there was no sense in leaving it there to congeal.” She would have spoken, but I held up my hand. “Now Tealy, just stop talking for a while and listen. I told you I wanted to have dinner with you because I needed to talk to you. Well, I have listened to you all evening, but now I really must talk.”

Tealy’s great big aqua eyes lost all their false gaiety. She sat looking across the table at me, almost as if she had been turned to a statue. I think she knew what was coming. I saw her lip begin to quiver.

“Tealy.” I said softly. “Don’t you think it’s time you stopped all this?”

“All what, darling?” she said, with a stab at her old flirty manner.

“You know perfectly well. And stop that too. Tealy, I’m not your darling, not even the people closest to me call me that and I don’t like to hear it in your mouth, because it just isn’t right. Please don’t say it again.”

Tealy’s lips quivered even more and I felt like a worm.

“You’re being very cruel.” It came out almost in a hoarse whisper, you would scarcely have recognized her voice. “Don’t you like me at all?”

“To be absolutely honest,” I said, “I just don’t know. You haven’t given me the chance to know you. I don’t like the Tealy who sends me heaps of messages, who giggles and chatters and flirts, who wears gaudy clothes, who turns up at places uninvited by me and makes a fool of herself, who gets drunk and passes out on my bed, who does everything she can to get someone who she must see she can’t have. No, I don’t like that Tealy at all.”

Tealy’s big eyes dropped under mine and she stared at the tablecloth. I saw two big tears fall on to her hands. The waiter arrived at this moment with a pot of coffee and I poured us both a cup.

“But,” I went on when we were alone again, “I don’t think that is you. I think my best friend would have had a lot more sense than to fall for someone like that. I think there’s a Tealy I don’t know. Someone who designed the closet I love to sleep in. Someone who once made Hink really, really happy. Someone fun-loving, warmhearted and sensible. That Tealy and I could be real real friends, if I could only get to know her.”

There was a long, long silence. I sipped coffee which tasted like gall and wormwood and prayed to the hand for help.

Finally, Tealy looked up at me, blinking at me through smeary lashes, her eyes glittering with unshed tears.

“That Tealy’s gone.” She said flatly. “Hinky took her away. I suppose I thought if I had you, he’d be so jealous…” she stopped and went scarlet.

“Oh Tealy!” I sighed. “Hinky wouldn’t care if you had a blue elephant with a pink trunk! That sun has set, Zaea!”

She looked up at me when I said that, with a kind of miserable hope in her eyes and I could have kicked myself. I should have known better than to use the lep equivalent of Sweetie.

“no, Tealy, it’s no good.” I tried to sound as kind as I could, but I looked at her square in the eyes and she could see I meant it. “If you want to be friends, I’d like it, I want to know that other Tealy. But otherwise…”

She lifted her hand at me in an imperious gesture. She raised her head up to its usual jaunty tilt. I had just started to think it was all going to be ok when she said:

“That is quite all right. You have made yourself perfectly clear. I am sorry to have taken up your time. Waiter! Waiter!” Her voice was very high, almost to breaking point. A waiter materialized at the table.

“Get this person a floater. And, waiter, bring me a bottle of Champagne.”

“Tealy!” I pleaded, as I was ushered toward the door. “Don’t do this.”

“Enough! I shall do what I like from now on.” Was all the answer I got.

And so I left Amoroso and was floated back to the gateway I had come in by, from where I went back to Merseyside, feeling more awful than I know how to tell you.

I am so glad Brian and L were still up when I got back. They had Skype up and I called them straight away, I needed to talk to them so badly. They asked me how things had gone and I opened my mouth to tell them, but when I tried to speak, everything just hit me and I will draw a veil over the next little while. After a while I got calmer and I told Brian and L about the whole thing.

“I did the best I could.” I said. “Whichever way I look at it, I don’t see what else I could have done really.”

“You did very well indeed.” Said Brian. “And at least there’s one good thing. You’ll be left in peace from now on.”

“But Tealy.” I said miserably. “She’ll probably do something stupid, or drink herself into a hole or…”

“I don’t think so, sweetie.” L sounded at her most comforting. “I think all she’s suffering from is hurt pride right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t hear more from her in future. It’s not all that often that someone offers a lonely person friendship. If you’re sad and alone, you don’t turn it down in a hurry. You haven’t heard the last of her.”

I usually would trust L in these things, but I did not think she had it right this time. I went to bed feeling just awful.

Thursday was a horrible day in lots of ways. I got up late, had a look at the computer, stared at my empty in-box and felt absolutely terrible. I went on Facebook and heard from Lita that Danic had suffered another bad attack on his lungs during the night and that he was very unwell again and that it did not look as though he would be able to come home Sunday after all. Lita was really upset and Mart, as usual, was absolutely nowhere around when she needed him. Mum and Vee, that’s Ikey’s Fiancée who we used to call old bossy, have been getting to know each other and Vee has been going to Mum’s all week to help with the lings over there, so Mum is a lot less pressured now. Mig still will not let Vee see Ikey, but as I said to Mum, it is only another couple of weeks and Ikey can come out of the lockholes. Mig has given her permission for their marriage and you cannot go back on that, once it is signed and sealed.

For most of Thursday I mooched around the tomb, getting in Andi’s way and staring at my phone, willing it to buzz or ding. Of course, it did not. In the early evening I got a call from Brian to say that L was unwell and as he would be late back, I had better zap straight home and look after her until he got there. Oh, the relief of being able to pack up early and head for the Lair!

It was wonderful to be back in my closet and even better to get into the den, sit beside L on the sofa and tell her all my troubles. She was feeling rotten, but she listened and repeated what she had said the night before. I still thought she was crazy, but I tried to be hopeful. Brian came home tired and hungry. L had ordered takeout, but it took ages arriving and we were all famished by the time it came. We ate, had a drink together and went to bed, glad to see the back of the day.

Friday was a busy one for all of us. We were all up fairly early. I could not wait to get to my computer, hoping against hope there would be some word from Tealy. Nothing. I asked L if I should write to her, or call, but she was firm that I should let her alone to come to me in her own time, if she was going to. Stars, I was in such a state, I did not know what I was doing that day. I burned Brian’s breakfast and L told me not to worry about the pancakes. When we had things straight she took me on her lap for a while, I really needed it and we had a game of Ping Pong, which she won because I could not concentrate. After that we all got to work. We had a very busy day, doing audio production, web development and other work for The Team and I was about to start making dinner when Brian stopped me.

“Don’t worry about food for us tonight, Bert,” he said. “L and I are going out for a meal. Make yourself something nice, or you can order a takeout on my account.”

I said I would get a takeout later and excused myself. I know better now than to get into a state like I did the last time Brian and L went out together, but oh stars! If I am honest, I really did not want to spend the evening on my own. I was not expected at Mella’s tonight, Mum and Vee were helping her, so I would just have to stay in. Oh well, I thought, I have books and games and maybe someone might be around on Skype.

Brian and L left just after six. Brian was looking very smart, wearing almost exactly what I wore for dinner with Tealy! I had to smile. L looked as elegant as she always does when she dresses up. She wore some kind of spicy, oriental perfume I had never smelt on her before, I liked it. I wished like anything I could have been their cute little boy and gone too, but I knew better than to spoil their evening by saying so and I saw them off this time, which I think they liked.

When they had gone I was nerdling around on the net book, not doing anything much. I had a look on Skype, but no one was on line except Barty, like I really want to talk to him! I am surprised he has not blocked me! I was just about to shut Nia Netbook down in disgust, when my Email alert went. I looked at my in-box and nearly fell off my chair. There was a mail from Tealy with the subject “The Other Tealy.”. I nearly broke the mouse clicking to open it!

“Hi, Bert.”

“Bronze, where do I start? Well, firstly with apologies, I suppose. I am terribly sorry for behaving so badly the other night and for a long time before that. Trying to get you into a relationship when I am still in pieces about Hinky was an awful way to behave. I told you the other night I was trying to make him jealous. That is only partly true. I suppose the sad truth is that since he went back to the States I have been so desperately lonely. Oh sure, there are plenty of elves I could go out with, but they’re not Hink, not anything like him. I wanted to be with you because you remind me of him, of all the good times. I thought if I was with you it would help me to keep him a little bit longer.”

“When you sent my expensive dessert away and told me you didn’t like this Tealy, I suddenly, for one wild moment, wanted to make you like me even more, not because you were Hink’s friend, but because you were you. When you told me in that kind, firm, inexorable way that it was no good I just wanted to kill you and I could suddenly see in your eyes just how you saw me and I was so mortified! But even while I was showing you the door and so angry with you, I was still wanting you to come back. You’re very special, you know. But I know now, I really do know, that it won’t ever happen and I’m ok with it. I’m grateful to you for pointing out to me that I’ve been making a fool of myself. The truth is hard to hear, but sometimes you still need to hear it.”

“So, about that Tealy you don’t know. Do you still think she’s in here somewhere? I don’t know, myself, I’ve all but drowned her in Champagne these last few days. But if you’ll come to dinner next week, we could try and find her. Now do say you’ll come. I promise, no strings attached, just friends. We’ll have dinner at my place, I’ll cook and there’ll be no heart-shaped anything, no pink drinks and no. shared. Dessert. What do you say? Please do come.”

“Your Friend.”

“Tealy.”

That poor mouse! It had a very narrow escape that day, as I nearly broke it again hitting reply. I was so. Relieved!

“Hi, Tealy.”

“Everything’s ok. Tell me what day and where to come and I’ll be there. Brian’s working next week from Tuesday to Friday, so those days should be relatively free if L isn’t unwell. Just let me know which day.”

“Bert.”

When I heard the key in the door I erupted out of the closet to tell Brian and L the news. Brian took it calmly, but L picked me up and swung me around and crowed “I told you so!”

We spent the rest of the evening in our usual cozy way and I floated off to bed feeling lighter of heart than I had for days and days!

So here we are at today. It has been a lovely day. I had a nice, normal, friendly Email from Tealy this morning, just the one, telling me what she was going to do today. No dears and darlings, no silliness. I answered it in the same way. Brian and L went out this morning for a while, which gave me the opportunity to give the place a really good clean from top to bottom. They came back very wet, it’s pouring with rain, but very happy, so yay to that!

This afternoon we have all been working. Brian and L have been busy with Team work, I have been writing this. I stopped to make dinner, came back to it, stopped for a glass of wine, came back to it. Now it is really late and I. am. Exhausted, but you are finally. Up to date!

I do hope you have had a nice week. Next week should be interesting. Brian is going to be away for most of it, which is sad, but he, Brian, says with L’s health being the way it is, he does not want me to stay at the tomb like I usually do. He is letting me stay here at the Lair to look after L. I am just in seventh heaven about this. So, I shall write again as soon as I can. Thanks, as ever, for reading my rambles and have a great rest of your day. At the moment, I am snuggled on the sofa beside L, about to have my second small glass of wine and then go to bed. Everything is ok and life! Is! Good! You are looking at one very happy lep indeed! Big smiles!

June 18

Hi, everyone.

Well, for a wonder, I am not rushed off my feet today, so I thought I would just write a little scribble in here, so I do not have to spend a whole day over the weekend writing up the week's news! Smile.

Yesterday was actually a very interesting day. I awoke at my usual time and for a change it was sunshine and blue sky outside. It has been a filthy wet week, so it was nice to see the sun again. I had a nice long shower, got dressed in one of my nicest outfits and booted up Nia Netbook to see what was going on.

I had a very upset Email from Lita. Apparently, Danic has taken a turn for the worse, they are advising she goes back to Ireland to be with him. That is decidedly not good at all. Lita wants Mart to go with her, but he says he has to stay here and work to pay the healers. Poor little fem, she is just in pieces. No one was awake yet, but I risked giving her a call, she so badly needed to talk to someone. We were on the phone for about half an hour and she was a bit calmer by the end of it. Mart is playing a very dangerous game here. I know no one wants my opinion, but he is taking this throwing himself into work thing too far. Anyway, I did what I could for Lita. She told me she was leaving for Ireland later in the morning and would stay as long as she was needed.

I went out to get the breakfast in rather a sombre mood. There was nothing much happening on Facebook, except for Mum being a bit worried that Vee was still terribly upset about not being able to see Ikey. I also had a friend request from Vee, apparently Dad found her a computer and has set it up for her, with Tovey’s help, so she can come into the twenty-first century. That is really going to help her get integrated into this family a lot faster, because most of us have them now.

When Brian and L got up I had breakfast all ready for them and we had a very nice cosy time, sitting around our table, chatting over bacon, sausages and our favourite pancakes, with the sun shining in on us. As we were drinking coffee, Brian and L told me about it being Father’s day, that they were expecting visitors today and that they would be going out later, but that they would be back for six O’clock in the evening. That was fine with me, as it was my day out and I did not plan to be back until dinner time.

I got the dishes done and made sure everything was tidy, then I said a quick goodbye to my people, already busily clicking away at their computers and zapped away to the London colony.

It was quite a warm day and the big outer doors were standing open for a change, so the whole place looked less forbidding. The guards waved me through with a smile. I went down to see Mella and Derry and found the place in happy chaos. They were only just up, the lazy tykes, the lings were only half dressed and Mella was trying to get them organized, get water and wood and get breakfast, while Derry was trying to help, put the cube to rights, put all the beds away and get the chairs out for the day. They were certainly glad of an extra pair of hands!

I swear to the moon, those little wind-devils are the naughtiest, noisiest, most lovable little horrors I ever came across! By the time we had them all washed, dressed and sitting in front of bowls of porridge, I did not know whether I wanted to hug them or kill them! Perhaps a bit of both. I was grateful to sink into a chair and drink a cup of tea, even if it was only willow herb, which was all Derry could find and not a favourite of mine. They offered me breakfast, but I was luckily able to say I had eaten at L’s. I noticed the larder was looking a bit bare. I might get Tovey to see if he can give Derry a bit of tactful help in the forage department, I do not think foraging is one of Derry’s strong suits.

Anyway, when we had got breakfast cleared away and Derry had taken the lings out to play, Mella and I had a quiet hour together. She still gets very tired, it is going to take a good while before she is completely whole and strong. I am determined to be around for her as long as she needs me, as long as I can get the time off, of course.

After a while, Mella got sleepy, so I saw her tucked into her bunk and I went off to Mum and Dad’s. I was not their first visitor, early as it was. Vee was there and I would hardly have recognized her, she looked so different. I think I have already said, Vee is about fifty, which is not young for a fem, but not old either. Whenever you saw old bossy on her rounds, she always wore a long, shapeless black thing which looked like a sack and her head would be tied up in a horrible flowery scarf. She still had clear skin, big, bright dark eyes and a quick, graceful way of moving, but she always wore such a sour expression that you could never call her pretty.

Now, the shapeless black sack had been replaced by a neat little blue skirt and a white shirt, which made the most of her nice shape, without being immodest. The horrible scarf was gone and her soft brown hair was swept up into an elegant chignon. She had not made the mistake of some fems her age and tried to make herself look younger, she just looked what she was and it suited her.

“Hello, Bert,” she said to me with a smile, when she saw me. I walked up and gave her a warm hug.

“Hi, Vee,” I said. “You look nice! How are you?”

The last time Vee and I met we had crossed particularly sharp swords, if you remember, so this was our way of making peace. She gave me a grateful look and I smiled. Mum was smiling at us too. WE all sat down, Mum poured me mint tea from the pot on the hob and I gulped it gratefully, to take away the rank taste of Mella’s willow herb!

“You asked how I am, Bert,” said Vee, when we were all settled. “I’m all right, just worried to death about Ikey. I haven’t heard a word from him and they still won’t let me in to see him, I try every couple of days, but it gets me nowhere. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

“Oh rubbish!” I chewed my thumb while I drank my tea and wondered what I could do.

“Excuse me for a sec, all,” I said suddenly. I got up and left the cube, trying not to see all their surprised looks.

Outside, the thoroughfare was its usual noisy self. I squeezed into a space between some crates and a pipe or two and got out my phone. I scrolled through my contacts till I found Mig’s number, praying A that it still worked and B that she would answer. I was in luck on both counts, though she did not sound pleased.

“Whoever ye are,” came her voice from what sounded miles away, “Ye’ve just made me lose a rabbit! It’d better be good!”

“It’s good. Hi, Mig, it’s Bert.” I said. “I need to talk to you.”

“Well,” she said, “Ye’re talkin’”

“No, I mean face to face and now. I’ll only keep you a minute. Send me a map.”

There was a growl from the other end of the phone, but the next moment, a picture of Mig flashed into my mind. She was standing on a windy stretch of isolated moorland, with grass up to her waste. I took a deep breath. I popped my head back inside Mum’s cube.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I said. “Don’t worry. Bert’s on the case.” Before they could ask me anything I was gone. Now, zapping is not allowed inside the colony, but we all do it from time to time, especially if we’re in a hurry, which I was. In one second, I stood beside a surprised Mig.

“Hi,” I said, trying not to shiver. I was not dressed for Scotland. Mig gave me an abrupt nodd and moved off quietly through the long grass, stopping to pick leaves and flowers to add to those in her basket.

“Well,” She said, after a minute’s awkward silence. “AS if I didnee ken what this was all aboot! Auld Bossy sent ye, did she no?

“No, actually, Vee didn’t send me. She does not know I’m here,” I said. ”And we don’t give her that name now, you know, Mig, because she doesn’t deserve it anymore.”

Mig looked at me in real surprise.

“Look, Mig,” I tried to sound at my most reasonable, in spite of my chattering teeth. “I know it’s not an ideal match, but stranger marriages have worked. Look at Uncle Arf and Auntie Kitty, for moon’s sake! They couldn’t be happier. I don’t know how it’s happened, but Vee genuinely seems to have grown to love the boy and she’s worried to death about him. You have made it perfectly clear that unless he comes here to Scotland he’s not your problem. Well he won’t leave Tommo, or London, so why shouldn’t he marry Vee? In fact, you’ve given your permission, so it’s going to happen anyway. All you’re doing by not letting Vee see him in the lockholes is making them both hate you.”

Mig’s lips folded into a hard line and my heart sank.

“I dinna trust her! She’s a hussy, letting him live there wi’ her afore the bond was made. I’m no lettin’ them be alane together before they’re bonded, an’ that’s flat! Ye can talk till ye’re blue in the face!”

A white tail flashed by and Mig took off after it. I was in no state to pursue, but I ran desperately after her, crashing through the grass. “Mig!” I bellowed. The white tail disappeared and Mig turned on me savagely.

”Zlanny Zbalane!” she exclaimed, I will not translate, you should know by now that those were lep swear words, not very nice ones. “De ye want us a’ te zlendt well starve?”

“No,” I panted, “But how about if I took Vee in to see Ikey, so they weren’t alone. How would that be? Would you give permission for that?”

“Och, I suppose so. Noo, let me get te work here!” she ground through her teeth.

“No, not yet. I looked at her hard. “I want it official. Call the lockholes and tell them. Now. Then you can hunt in peace.”

She gave me a look of absolute fury, but did as I told her. Thank the stars for mobile phone masts! AS soon as everything was official, she turned away from me without a word and headed off through the grass and this time I didn’t follow.

“Thank you, Mig.” I called, but she didn’t answer.

Stars, was I glad to get off that moor and back to the colony, where it was warm. I would not have been surprised if watchers were waiting to pounce on me for the unauthorized zap, but I was lucky. It had not been spotted and I got back to where I had been squeezed in between the crates and the pipe without being noticed.

I arrived back at Mum and Dad’s to find everyone staring at me. I walked up to Vee and pulled her gently up out of her chair.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go and see Ikey. I’ve talked Mig into letting you see him if I’m there. I’m sorry you can’t see him alone, but it’ll be better than…” I did not get any further. Vee threw her arms around me and nearly squashed what remaining breath I had right out of me. It took us all a while to get her calmed down, but we finally did and we were soon setting off for the lockholes.

We wound our way deep into the colony, into a part where no one likes to go. The poorest families live here, the leps who deal with refuse and sanitation and other unpleasant but very necessary parts of life. This is where Siennella’s family must still be living. I shivered. We walked past cubes with no curtains, past thin fems standing in lines at ration stores, past groups of uncommonly quiet lings who stared at us, unsmiling.

Finally we came to a long row of grey metal cubes and a heavy-set guard, who stopped Vee with a leer.

“Not you again, Bossy!” he said. “WE told you a million times, you ain’t got no permission to see that young idiot, an’ now we’re telling you again. So get, before I put me boot in your fat behind!”

“Excuse me,” I stepped forward and put Vee behind me. “Miss Veriana does have permission to see Ikeus, I was with his Mother this morning and I heard her give it. She can see him as long as I am in the room with them.”

“And who might you be, me fine young dandy?” said the guard with a sneer. I have to say, I was pretty scared of him, he did not top me by more than an inch,
but breadth wise he would have made three of me! I was not going to show him I was scared though, oh stars no!

“My name is Bertalius Alfardan,” I said. “And since when were guards trained to be rude to civilians?” He blushed a bit at that. “Now, are you going to let us through, or shall we call your officer. I have some interesting things I could tell him.”

The guard scowled, pointed to a cube far down the row and stepped back. Vee was off like a hare, running down the line of cubes and I called out for her to wait. By the time I got there it was too late. She had tried to open the door and the electric current that gives the lockholes their name had thrown her back and sent her sprawling on to the floor.

No one can get out of the lockholes. They are locked not with human lock and key, but with the help of the hand and also with the little electricity that we can generate. I rushed over to see if Vee was ok. She was getting shakily to her feet.

“Why can’t I get in?” She wailed.

“I have to open it.” I said to her softly. “They have made it so that you cannot go in alone. Just stand out of the way a moment. Don’t worry, Zaea, it’s ok, you’ll see him.”

I stepped towards the door, put my hand on it and it opened.

Ikey was lying on the narrow bed shelf inside. The cube was very much like the one in which I had been incarcerated. It was bare, with just the bed shelf, a chair, a tiny flap to use as a table and a cleansing place in the corner. Whereas mine had been bright and clean, this one was grimy, pitted with use and dingy.

Ikey jumped off the bed when he saw Vee and ran towards her. There was no mistaking the look in his eyes, nor the love and relief in her face as she rushed towards him. I looked away from them, stood by the door and tried to close my ears. I do not think I will tell you much of what happened while we were in Ikey’s cube, it is private. I could really have done with not being there, but when Ikey understood that it was only my being there that had got Vee in at all, he was all right about me staying. The two of them just sat on the bed shelf and talked and I stood by the door for an hour and tried to be deaf and blind.

At the end of the hour, there was a tap at the door and a young fem in guard’s uniform came in.

“I am sorry, but visitors may only stay for an hour,” she said. “You may come again tomorrow, Mr. Bertalius, Miss Veriana.”

We said goodbye to Ikey and went back to Mum’s, I was very glad to get back and Vee was floating on cloud nine! One thing which had definitely been decided while we were in Ikey’s lockhole was that once he was out, the wedding was going ahead straight away and for this I was very thankful.

I spent the rest of the day in the colony, I had dinner at Mum and Dad’s, then went to see Tuli and Shay and her lot, then went to see Tovey and Aprilina and called in on one or two of the others. I did not get back until gone nine. L was fast asleep in bed and Brian was working. I made a cup of tea, L woke up and we all sat on the sofa while I told them about my day. By the time I was all done it was well time to go to bed and a very busy and interesting day was over.

This morning I woke up to my usual little pink-ribboned scroll. I wondered if Babsy’s week had been any better.

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the helping hand is serving you well. My cold is a bit better and I have received a bad report this week.”

“well this week aint been too bad I done good at most of me lessons only I had a bit of a barney with that stuck up old well I won’t say Lianna cos of the way I talk I can’t help it if I don’t have plums in me mouth and she didn’t ought to have laughed at me but ooh Uncle Bert she did look funny with me chocolate meringue cream cake upside down on her head and me chocolate mousse all squished in her face and me an Blissa was snowballing her with our cup cakes and chocolate chip cookies chocolate’s nasty anyway we thinks we got done for it and we had to go to Madam Lynnara but we don’t care teach her a lesson.”

“May the sun shine on you an all that running out of room.”

“Babsy.”

Oh my stars! When I had stopped giggling, I wrote Babsy a note back, got up, showered and dressed. I got a lovely Email from Vee, thanking me for yesterday and asking if I could come over again tonight so that she could see Ikey. I told her it all depended if I could get the time off, but that I would if I could. I heard from Mart, of all people, that Danic is very ill and the healers say to be prepared. We are all very sad. Mart is preparing to go to Ireland later today. This is just so awful.

I got breakfast for Brian and L and then we all started work. It is Brian’s day off, so we have all been busy with Team work. The day has been pleasant and uneventful. Once I have finished here I will cook a nice dinner and then I will shoot off to see if I can give Mella some help and then take Vee to see Ikey. It feel so fantastic to be able to do things for my family.

And there! You are all up to date. I hope you have had a nice day and thanks, as ever, for reading. I will write again soon. Oh, stars! I nearly forgot! I do seem to have solved the Tealy problem. I only had the one Email this morning, very sensible. I answered it and she has been quiet all day. I have not heard what day she wants me to go to dinner, but as Brian is going away tomorrow, I shall probably know then. I am very relieved to have that particular crisis squared away.

Till soon, Big Smiles.

June 24 and 25.

Hi, everyone.

Well, I thought I would start this off tonight, but I will probably finish it in the morning, as it is late and I am very, very tired. It really has been quite a week.

Before I tell you anything though, I am going to have to have a small rant, or it may even have to be a large rant! I have just got in after a lovely day out at the colony, visiting quite a few of the family. I was in a really good mood and all ready for a nice glass of wine, some good music and then bed. I was gently asked to sit on the sofa, completely dry and wineless and politely told that this week was going to be madly, franticly busy and that therefore I would need to stay in and around the lair. In effect I'm grounded! Can you believe it?

I mean, I have always done my work here to the very best of my ability and never gone off anywhere unless I can be spared. Even when we got busy I made sure my work here was done first before I left for London of an evening. Well, I suppose there has been the odd occasion when L has had to cook or buy takeout, but they have never minded before, for stars' sake! So now I cannot help Mella put the lings to bed and I have come to look forward to it and heaven knows what Andi could do at the Merseyside tomb if I cannot check on her every now and then. She will probably make laburnum stew or something and poison Gordy before they have been married a month! Oh dear oh dear!

And while I am in rant mode, there is another thing! It is impossible to get any attention from L at the moment, which is annoying me more than a little! For the past four days you just cannot separate her from her phone for more than about five minutes. There we will all be, snuggled on the sofa in our usual cosy way, then it is "Oh, excuse me a minute." and it is click tap tap and she is playing with some frightful new app that lets her take care of a virtual baby. It is driving me to drink! I swear I am going to hi-jack her IPhone and throw it out of the window, or flush it down the toilet!

Stars! Well, I have to say, I feel a bit better for that. Oh moon above, L just asked me why I was grinding my teeth, so I think I had better calm down and tell you what has been happening to me this week. Let me see.

On Monday evening I went to the colony to find Mum’s cube as quiet as I have ever known it. There had just come a scroll from Ireland to say that, accept for a miracle, poor little Danic would soon be setting out for the High Country and to be prepared. Mum and Dad were very upset, there were a good many of my sisters there and a couple of my brothers, just there to give their support in any way they could, but it was all very still, we just stayed close around Mum and Dad for comfort. Danic was a favourite with them, well, with everyone, it seems. I think the worst thing for me is that I hardly got the chance to know him.

I went down to Mella’s and she was in pieces. I comforted her as best I could and helped with the lings. Then I went down to Vee’s and took her to see Ikey. We had to tell him about Danic. I have to say, there is hope for that boy. With everything he has on his plate, I wondered how he was going to react, or if he would even care much, after all, Lita and Mart and Tommo’s lot are not close at all. But he was upset as any of us.

After that rather sad visit home, I was so so glad to get back to the Lair. I could not wait to get into my usual place on the sofa and pour out the whole story to Brian and L. After that I hit bed hard, but I had very nasty dreams, about looking for a youngling who was always crying somewhere. I could hear him, but could never quite find him to pick him up, no matter how hard I searched.

I awoke at 4:30 the following morning, sluggish and heavy-eyed, to find two Emails in my in-box. One was from Tealy, asking me to come to dinner at her home in the Elfhold the following day. The other was from Mum, to tell me that Danic had started on his journey to the High Country.

I got ready for the day and went into the den. Brian was about to set off for three days away and he had asked me to stay behind at the Lair and take care of L, who had not been well for some time. Now, with this latest family event, I was in a quandary indeed. In our world, if at all possible, a lep is sped to the High Country within twenty-four hours of his setting out on his journey. If you think of it in human terms, the funeral takes place within twenty-four hours of a death. If I were to attend and do everything properly, as I really wanted to, I would need to leave L for most of the day. You might be thinking, so what? You usually go away with brian when he works away. But this is different. I had been expressedly asked to stay with L. It is not quite like being given an order, that is last resort time, for me at least, but it is the next best thing.

Well, I helped L get breakfast and then, while we were eating, or rather, they were eating and I was staring at my plate, I told them all about it. I really need not have worried. Brian told me to go straight away, but to text L if I could from time to time and make sure she was ok and if there was a problem to let him know immediately.

I got myself ready and set out for the colony. Stars, it was really odd to be there and to find life bustling on all around me in its usual way, but to know that for us, nothing was going to be the same for a long time. I think I told you once that however overcrowded we are, life is very precious to us. The death of a family member hits anyone hard, but the death of a youngling and from something as cruel as pollution sickness – I cannot find words to express how hard that is to bear.

I went first to Mum and Dad’s, because I guessed, rightly, that help for Lita and Mart would all be organized from there. Everything was very quiet there, there were a lot of tears, but everyone was doing something too. I asked what I could do to help and Dad took me and Tovey and a couple of my other brothers off to forage and also to get the hanging green.

We had a very busy morning, but we got a very good haul, thank the moon it’s summer! We delivered the green to the Handhold, where Lina, Mella, Tulia and a load of my other female relatives were busy already. Then we went back to Mum’s to freshen up and see if we could help with anything else.

In the late afternoon Gwenice arrived from Norfolk and Nile and Netta from the country. Leo and Lani had accompanied Lita and Mart from the Old Country and were at their cube with them, so for the second time in a year, our family were almost all together, with two exceptions. No one wanted to see Tommo, but we all felt for Ikey, stuck in the lockholes when he should have been saying farewell to his cousin.

When it was coming on early evening, we got ready to leave for the Handhold. WE formed up in order of age and walked in sombre procession down the thoroughfare. People made way for us as best they could and everyone touched their hearts as we passed. We all wore a sprig of green leaves, unadorned by any flowers, in a buttonhole or hat, or pinned to a tunic, as a sign that we were seeing someone off to the High Country.

As we passed the cubes of family, they joined the procession. Barty and Minnimarni were there with their children, all except Andi of course. I thought of her with a pang. I had sent her a text to let her know what was happening, but I did not expect her to make an appearance. Tuli and Shay with their family joined us. Tovey and Lina and lots of others.

Then we neared Ikey’s cube and suddenly, there he was, with Vee beside him, smartly dressed, with a sprig of green in his hat. Behind him came Mig, with her hand on Vee’s shoulder, also smartly dressed and behind her came Ikey’s younger brothers and sisters, every last one of them!

As we neared the Hold, my jaw almost hit the floor. There were Andi and Gordy and beside them Madam Lynnara holding Babsy’s hand.

We all formed up again, in order of age and according to family. Barty looked daggers at Andi and Gordy, but said no word to them. Then we processed into the Hold. It looked a very different place to the last time I had seen it, as holds always do when there is a farewell ceremony.

The entire place had been hung with garlands of green leaves and decorated with flowers. Garlands had been woven around the framework for the seating, until you could hardly see the metal. Trailing tendrils and soft grasses covered the metal and wood, softened every angle and turned the simple hand hold into a flowery bower, full of the scent of outdoors. The most beautiful flowers we could find had been placed in silver vases on the table where the Hand rested in its crystal box.

In our world, when someone goes to the High Country, there is no black, no sad songs are sung, there is no mention of dust and ashes. We send him on his way from a green place into that greenest and happiest of all places. Of course there are tears, tears are healing, after all, but a farewell in our world is a beautiful and solemn thing and it is thanksgiving as well as goodbye to a loved one.

We were all shown to seats by Handers in their simple white robes and blue girdles. When we were all seated, Lita and Mart, with Leo and Lani behind them, walked up the aisle. Lita looked thin and pale, in spite of her advancing pregnancy, her face was awash with tears. Mart walked upright, as stiff as a guard, looking neither to right nor left, his face as frozen as an iceberg.

When Lita, Mart and their escort had taken seats in front next to Mum and Dad, everything went very quiet. Then the Handholder made her usual quiet entrance from behind a curtain at the back of the hold and sat on her chair behind the table. When she was seated, she made some kind of hand signal. and two Handers came down the aisle, carrying a crib hung with green garlands and flowers, in which lay Danic.

The crib was gently set down before the Hand’s table. The Handers stepped back and joined a large group of others at the front of the room. It was so quiet in the Hold you could have heard a dewdrop fall. And then the lady began to sing.

She sang clearly and sweetly in the Handers’ sacred language, the tune so soft and sweet it would break your heart. It was not sad, it was like a lullaby. Gradually the other Handers joined in. This next bit is rather hard to describe. The lady was singing in the Handers’ tongue which we are not permitted to know, but although we did not know the language exactly, the words got inside all of us, were given to us, if you can understand me. It was a song about the high country, about that wonderful place where the beautiful gardens bloom forever and there is never any pain or illness, where the sun is always warm and the mountain breezes are always fresh and clean. A place where the sweetest berries ripen in the sun, where sparkling streams flow over crystal pebbles into deep azure pools. The song got into our heads and into our hearts and we could almost see it.

One by one, we began to join in, until everyone was singing. Tears were forgotten for the moment as we sang about the High Country till the hold rang with the music.

As we sang, the crystal box containing the hand opened and its light, amazing smell and wonderful presence infused the room, making us sing louder, feel everything more keenly. We could not seem to take our eyes from it. Then I began to notice something. The hand was leaning down toward Danic’s crib and, as I watched, the luminescent mist which always hung about the hand seemed to move, to hover over the crib itself. As we went on singing, it seemed to grow thicker and thicker, until you could not see the crib at all.

The lady rose from her chair, still singing and we also rose, still singing our hearts out so that the leaves shook.

And then, out of the mist there appeared a star, a huge, bright, golden star, it glided up into the air and disappeared. The mist dissolved, the cadence of the song reached a joyful crescendo and then faded softly away into silence, the hand went back into its box and there in front of us was Danic’s crib. It was empty. Danic had been sped on his way. He was gone.

The lady touched her heart and bowed her head and then she left. The two Handers came forward to take the crib away, but then something unusual happened. Why does nothing ever go quite to plan with this family? There was suddenly a flash of movement from the front of the room and a howl, an absolute howl of grief and Mart, yes, stony, frozen, unemotional mart, was kneeling on the floor by the crib with his head buried in it, hugging it and sobbing.

I swear, if an elephant had walked into the hold, we could not all have been more stunned. Normally you cannot get more than a few words out of Mart, he was never what you would call demonstrative, even in the early days and since this thing with Danic he has been worse than ever. I think we all thought he was made of ice or wood, to be honest. Now here he was crying his heart out and for a minute we just did not know how to handle it!

For about a half minute nobody moved. Then Lita got up and flew across to him, knelt by him and cradled him. He turned away from the crib, which was swiftly borne away and he held on to Lita as if he were drowning. I do not think any of the rest of us knew what to do or where to look. We were called to order by Dad.

“Come on, you lot,” he said. “WE got things to do.”

We do not have a party after a farewell ceremony. To be honest, we think it is in very poor taste. So we all got busy, helping to take down the hanging green and put the hold to rights. With all of us helping it was done in very little time. And then life went on, as it has to.

I did not feel I could stay any longer, so I went back to the Lair to make sure L was ok. She was up, though feeling rotten. I spent the rest of that day looking after her. It was nice to be able to sit on her lap and tell her about the ceremony, get my tears shed in private and share my few memories of Danic with her.

In the early evening I had a telephone call. I did not bother to look at the caller ID, thinking it was sure to be Brian, but it was not, it was Tealy. She was most apologetic for bothering me, but she said that as she had not had an answer to my Email she was slightly worried she had done something to annoy me again.

I reassured her and told her about what had happened to put her dinner invitation out of my mind. To be quite honest, I could not have felt less like having dinner with Tealy, but L told me to go, she said I needed to do something nice. So I said I would be delighted to have dinner tomorrow. What with one thing and another, I was very glad to get to bed.

I got up on Wednesday morning and went through my usual morning routine. I had a surprise when I logged on to Facebook. It seems Ikey has been released early on compassionate grounds and also for good behaviour. He is living in his own cube and Vee is popping down to look after him. They are planning a very small, quiet wedding out of respect to Danic, but they need to get married as soon as possible.

Mig was online and it seems she is getting used to the idea of having Vee for a daughter in law. She did not say much, she is one of those people who hates to be proven wrong, but I could tell by her tight-lipped remarks that Vee’s behaviour over Ikey’s imprisonment, her willingness to stand by the boy, has gone down well with her.

L was feeling better that day, so we had pancakes together, then we had a lovely day, just nerdling about on our computers, playing games on our IPhones and having a lovely time. At about four PM I got my pass into the Elfhold sent to my phone and I had just accessed it when a picture flashed into my mind of Highgate tube station. Typical Tealy to live near there, I thought. The leftmost ticket machine again and this time there probably would not be so many people. My phone buzzed and there was a text. “Hi. Have ordered a floater to meet you at 7. Tell it to take you to 23716 Pink. Don’t forget. Can’t wait to see you.”

Again, trust Tealy to have Pink somewhere in her address! I made L some dinner, which only needed to be heated up when she wanted to eat, then at five to seven I zapped off to Highgate Tube Station.

I really was feeling nervous about getting into the hold this time. There were quite a lot of people around, but not nearly so many as were at Knightsbridge. I had to do a good bit of ducking and dodging, but finally I got to the right ticket machine, got out my phone and held it up, holding my breath in preparation to be zapped into the Elfhold. It was no good. My heart still nearly hit my front teeth when I fell what felt like twenty miles, then my feet hit polished mosaic with a bump!

I was standing in a smaller version of the Underground mall place I had seen at Knightsbridge. There were more shops here, less cafes and bars. The shops seemed to sell practical things as well as luxury items and everywhere was not quite so highly decorated, though still beautiful and floored with the same marvelous mosaic. The noise level was still as high, if not higher, because the place was absolutely heaving with Many more elves everywhere, hurrying all over the place and swarms of floaters, flying about everywhere like huge red birds.

One of the floaters drifted softly down in front of me. I climbed into its little red seat, put my feet on the foot rest and the straps fastened themselves around me. I gave Tealy’s address and we were off.

At first we flew over the shopping area, weaving in and out of other floaters there. Then we made a sharp turn out of the wide open area and into a long, wide passage which seemed to stretch on for as far as the eye could see.

The passage floor was made of that same mosaic. I wondered how many tiles had been used and whether the whole Elfhold had been floored with it. The walls of the passage were different, though also made of tiles. The outside of each tile was white, but in the centre of each was a number, each in a different colour. I could not see the numbers clearly, we were going past them so fast. The colours flashed by, yellow, red, blue, purple, green, pink, turquoise, gold, black, orange, every colour you could think of and some you wished you had never set eyes on they were so gaudy and horrible!

There was floater traffic here too, maybe not quite so thick, but enough. We suddenly came to the end of one long passage and turned into another, just as long. It was the same, walled from ground to ceiling with white tiles with coloured numbers in the centre.

Finally, after a fast ride lasting about twenty minutes, my floater dropped from near the ceiling, where most floaters fly, to about halfway towards the ground, turned towards the left-hand wall and stopped. I just gaped stupidly for a moment and the floater gave an impatient little bleep.

I was staring at a tile in the wall, it was at my eye level. It was about six inches by four, it had a white outside and in the centre was the number 23716 in bright pink. Now what on earth was I supposed to do. I might be small, but I was not small enough to get through there, nor magical enough to get myself through a solid wall.

The floater bleeped impatiently at me again, telling me to stop dithering and do something. I put out my hand towards the tile and touched the pink number. There was a melodious jingling chime sound. After a short pause, the pink number suddenly turned transparent and I saw a big aqua eye peeking at me. Then there was a kind of whoosh and I was staring at a doorway. a white front door with a pink stained glass panel in it was open and I was looking straight down a pink carpeted hallway.

The floater bleeped for a third time and floated up a little, so the footrest was on a level with the hall floor. I unstrapped myself, stepped out on to Tealy’s pink doormat and the floater took off and shot away with an offended whine. I turned to close the door and stared out at a ghastly drop into space. I gulped, shut the door and turned again to see Tealy coming towards me, wearing a big white apron over jeans and a pretty floral shirt. Her trainers had pink hearts on them, her ear hair was tied up in pretty scrunchies. She looked fresh and girlish and just nice. I smiled at her.

“Hi,” she said, giving my hand a squeeze. “Come in and have a drink. She walked down the hall and opened one of two doors on the right. We went into a pretty sitting-room, decorated in soft shades of rose pink and white, with delicate touches of gold. It was not tawdry and overdone like that awful restaurant. The room was windowless, but a soft light, like lamplight, was coming from no source that I could detect.

Tealy gestured me to sit on a deep, softly cushioned sofa and went out to fetch the drinks. She soon returned, bearing a silver tray containing two tall crystal flutes and a very familiar bottle in an ice bucket! I had to smile. Tealy may have discarded her cocktail dress for jeans, but a leopard cannot entirely change its spots, it seems. Anyway, as Champagne is my favourite drink, I certainly was not about to complain. Tealy must be making a good salary, the golden fizz in that bottle was very expensive. I was just grateful it was not pink!

When Tealy had placed the tray on a low coffee table, popped the cork and poured us each a glass, she sat opposite me in a deep armchair and we talked, sipping our drinks. It was really the first time I had conducted any sensible conversation with her at all. We talked shop for a while, she wanted to know what my work entailed and I told her about it, without giving away anything personal. She was surprisingly tight-lipped about her own work, except that she worked a lot with computers and had to go into the human world a lot, but that nobody ever saw her. That is a good job, with her tiny size, elfin face, the short blonde fur on her head and her big ears with their cascading fringes of long blonde hair falling past her shoulders, she would stand out like the sorest of sore thumbs and cause a panic, or be put in a circus, laboratory or heaven knows what!

After a while she led me down the hall to a room directly opposite the front door for dinner. It was a spacious and pretty kitchen, with lots of light pine, white and chrome and of course, splashes of pink to give the place colour. We sat at a little round table in a dining alcove and ate cold salmon salad, followed by tender chicken in a creamy herb sauce, with fresh asparagus and baby minted new potatoes. For dessert there were chunks of fresh pineapple in a hot chocolate sauce well laced with Malibu, served with a scoop of homemade coconut ice cream. I have to say, I have not had a dinner like it for a very long time indeed.

While we ate we went on talking and I found that once Tealy had dropped the flirty manner I found so profoundly embarrassing, she was intelligent and sensible, with a kind of sharp dry wit hidden under her slightly dizzy exterior that made me laugh easily. The evening seemed to fly past and all too soon I was putting on my coat and Tealy was opening the door, where a floater was waiting to take me home.

“This has been fun.” She said. She gave me a serious look from those enormous aqua eyes. “I’ve enjoyed it. Will you come again?”

I said I would love to and was surprised by quite how much I meant it. I must have said it with a bit too much feeling, because Tealy gave me a surprised look, which made me flush as red as a poppy. I jumped into the floater, sketched her a wave and we shot off, heading for the Lair.

I was longing to get back to normality, to sit on the sofa, or better still L’s lap, just talk to her or nerdle on the computer for a while before bed, tell her about the evening. I am used to L making a bit of a fuss of me when I get back from anywhere. She usually gets up, if she is not feeling ill and I usually get a hug. I zapped in my closet and burst out, all ready to pour out my evening to L. Only I did not get my usual hug, I barely got a hello. Why, you may be asking? I will tell you. Because she was glued to her IPhone. She had just installed that baby app and was fiddling with it. It was the shape of things to come!

Well, to be fair, I did eventually get a hello, even a hug and I also got a hearing, but at what price! Every five minutes we got interrupted while she updated the app and cared for the baby in the phone! By the end of the evening I heartily detested the thing! I went off to my closet in a right sulk, from which I have not quite recovered to tell the truth.

Well, Thursday was something of a non-day, which was a blessing from my point of view. Not much new from the family. L and I were busy with audio production, oh and of course she was glued to the phone all day in between working. In the evening, Brian came home and we were both very very glad to see him.

On Friday Brian was working all day and L and I were kept very busy with more audio work. In the evening I made dinner for them, then I zapped quickly to the Merseyside tomb, as I hadn’t been near there in ages. Everything was all right. Andi and Gordy say they are going to stay just a couple more weeks, then they are going home to their new cube. Andi says she will miss the house and I know Gordy will miss the garden.

I went from there to London and helped Mella with her lot’s bathing, feeding and bed time. Stars! Would I not love to get L down here when little Milly and Dex and Jemmy and all the rest of them are playing me up and driving me out of my mind! Then she would know what taking care of a ling is really like! Actually, they were especially rambunctious that night and I was exhausted when I got back to the Lair, I was more than ready for a glass of wine, a snuggle on the sofa and bed.

And so we come to the weekend. Saturday was one of the very busiest days I can ever remember, ever! I do not think I stopped working for about ten hours straight. After that I went to Mella’s, but she took one look at me and sent me straight home. I was absolutely exhausted when I got to bed. I love my work, but stars, that was a busy one!

Sunday promised to be much the same for Brian and L and I was expecting my Sunday off to be cancelled, but when I got into the den Brian told me to have a nice day at home. I was so grateful to them both. I made them a nice breakfast, had some myself and then went off to London and I did have a lovely day, although it was tiring. There were swarms of lings at Mum’s and no Vee to help out, she was with Ikey, they are making plans for the wedding and deciding things about where they will live and so on. I helped Mum for a lot of the day and then went on a round of visiting, then did my evening stint at Mella’s. After that I stayed and had dinner with Mella and Derry and what with one thing and another it was after ten when I got back.

That is where I was when I began to write this entry with that huge rant. Of course, it is now Monday and I have just read it back and feel incredibly mean now. Ok, I do still hate that app, but hey! I have real lings to play with any time I want to and if Brian is not complaining I suppose I have no room to. Also, in a way I shall be glad to stay home this week, I am awfully tired what with rocketing about all over the place, I really will be glad to stay still. I wonder should I go back and cross that at the beginning out? Hmmm. No, it was how I was feeling and what was happening at the time, so I will leave it, but I am sorry I was grumpy now.

Well, today has been predictably busy, I have been helping Brian and L and writing this between times. I had my usual scroll from Babsy at Shana-Sherin this morning.

“Dear Uncle Bert.”

“I hope you are in good health and that the Helping Hand is serving you well. I am in good health and have received a good report this week.”

“I think humans is stupid. They got this sucking machine what sucks up dirt, then you empty the bag and the dirt all falls out again so you has to suck it up again. Well that’s what I did anyway only Madam breat says I busted the bag but she said to empty it so I opened it to get the dirt out what’s she expect me to do? Humans is stupid and so is teachers!”

“May the sun shine on you blah blah not putting all that don’t care I’ll get it shoved past love Babsy.”

I am still giggling about that one. I have a lot of sympathy, I detest hoovers! Thank the stars we have laminate floors which only need cleaning with a paddle and mop. I always have hated emptying hoover bags. I wrote back to Babsy explaining the mystery of the hoover bag, so maybe she will not make the mistake of opening one twice! Giggling here.

And I think you are finally up to date. Lord knows what I will write about next, as I think this will be a quiet week, but we shall see in the fullness of time. I hope you have all had a good week and thanks so much, as ever, for reading. Ooh, I see Brian putting the kettle on. Cup of tea time! I’m off! Big smiles!