May 2013

May 10

Hi everyone.

Well here I am at last. What with one thing and another it’s hard to find the time to sit down and write at the moment, but I am aware that I left you all high and dry at the end of my last entry, so it is about time I gave you another episode of the me versus a good chunk of my family saga. Make yourself comfortable, I have an idea you’re going to be here for a while.

The days following my last home visit seemed to drag on forever and ever. Nothing much happened except that L remained in poor health and I was kept quite busy helping Brian to take care of her. I also had work to do for Brian and I was grateful for anything which took my mind off my worries. When I had time to myself I did as the head of the council had suggested and tried contacting the Old Country for help concerning Cassie. It was really hard to know who to contact, the Old Country are security conscious to a fault, usually, as an accredited student of Shana-Sherrin, I would go through Shana-Sherrin if I needed help from the Old Families, but not this time. The less I have to do with Shana-Sherrin the better I am pleased. In the end I was able to get in contact with something called the ruling families liaison office, explain my predicament and hope. I didn’t know if any good would come of it, this office seemed to be away down the burocratic pyramid, its soul use seemed to be to keep unnecessary nuisances away from the Old Families as far as I could see, but surely if the office came across something which they should know about, they would tell them, I thought. Wouldn’t they? I could only pray to the hand that they would.

As the week went on I got more and more anxious. No news had come from the Old Country, no more names were taken off the petition, the family were becoming more bitterly divided every day about it and, worst of all, Mella and Derry’s marriage was really suffering because of his involvement with it. Mella just could not forgive him for taking this stand against Cassie and things were going from bad to worse between them.

The day before the hearing was just awful. I felt as if a thousand snakes had taken up residence in my stomach. Brian was quiet and grim, L looked pale and sick and didn’t want to let me out of her sight for a second. How we got through it I’ll never know. I cooked some dinner but none of us could eat it. When it was all cleared away Brian touched my shoulder and said:

“Bert, I think you should go and pack now. You don’t want to miss anything. Tealy’s coming to help you isn’t she?” I couldn’t answer, I just nodded and walked to my closet.

Tealy arrived soon afterwards. She was waring jeans and a lemon polo shirt and pristine white trainers. She looked fresh and beautiful but even she could only lift my spirits for a second or so. She had brought her special little overnight bag, the one which seemed to be able to hold absolutely everything. She opened it up and we began to fill it with the contents of my wardrobe and drawers, things from my desk, everything, in fact, that I could take from this wonderful room that I loved so much.

We hardly spoke. Tealy seemed to know how I was feeling and let me be quiet. Finally she closed the bag and turned to me.

“I’ll take this to my house, Zaeahaan,” she said. “Sayri showed me where it was on Sunday and I told her about our plan. We went and saw the Lady because she had to know and we have her blessing. Sayri is going to be at my house when I bring Cassie and she will take care of her until either I come and collect her and the bag or…” she stopped.

“I know, Zaea.” I said. “I’m so thankful to you and to the Elfin and the lady.”

“Bert, I’m not a fool.” Tealy looked at me very hard. “I know the thought of leaving Brian and L is tearing you apart, I know you don’t want to lose your family, quarrelsome and infuriating as they can be, and I know you don’t want to live in Annwn. The thing is this, Zaea. If you go down this path, you have a long, long life ahead of you. Can you be strong enough to leave the past behind? To make the best of what is now? To live for Cassie and for me? You won’t have anyone to lean on anymore, you won’t have L’s lap to sit on when things go wrong, this will be a new life for all three of us and we’ll all need to rely on each other. If I can be strong for you, can you be strong for me, for us? Can you, Zaea?”

I looked into those pellucid aqua eyes and thought hard. Yes, I would have to be the strong one now. If we lost the hearing and had to seek shelter in Annwn, then Tealy, Cassie and I would be a family. I would have to get some kind of a job, find out how to live in Annwn, get to know how things worked there, raise the lepling I had taken under my protection the best way I could.

I have all kinds of faults, stars know, but I am always honest with myself. In the moments I took to think of my answer I acknowledged that, given the choice, I wanted things to stay exactly how they were. I was, am, still immotionally immature, although I have improved enormously to what I used to be. When I felt things slip out of my control I got upset and felt the need to lean on someone stronger. I did not know how I would cope when I could not do that anymore. One thing I absolutely knew though. Cassie’s welfare was more important to me than my own. It was out of the question that she be taken away and brought up by Handers who did not know her. I also knew that I loved my beautiful Tealy girl with all my heart and would do my absolute best never to let her down in any way. The prospect of life in Annwn scared me to death, but oh yes, I would try my very best to be strong for my two special girls. I lifted my chin.

“Yes, Zaea, I can. I will, I promise.” I said.

I did not get much sleep that night. Every time I dropped off I seemed to be plunged into nightmares where Cassie was wrenched, screaming from my arms by crack guards and taken far far away before anyone could stop it. I awoke in a cold sweat more than once. The last time I must have shouted out or something because when I awoke I found L standing beside the bed.

“It’s all right, sweetie.” She knelt and put her arms around me. Well I suppose I don’t have to tell you what happened next. I had been holding it in all day, trying to stay strong, but that one little kind gesture opened the floodgates. Strong Bert, what a joke! Bleh!

When I was calm again L made me a cup of tea, I put on my robe and slippers and sat by her on my sofa to drink it. After that I got on to her lap, there would be no time tomorrow, I know it’s soppy but I just wanted to have one last sit there. You might be thinking I was taking the worst view of things, but there were fifteen signatures on that petition, we had no word from the Old Country, Tealy’s evidence was not going to be heard so I was ninety nine per cent sure that tomorrow I was going to be starting a new life in Annwn. I just could not bear to think about it.

For a while we were quiet and then I said:

“L?”

“Hmm?”

“I always said I was lucky. Brian was the best person to work for ever, always fair and good to me, we hardly ever had a cross word. Then I got to know you and, well you know what happened. I thought if I could only stay at the Lair and take care of you I’d never want anything more ever. Of course, leps don’t just change jobs, so I thought that was totally out, but look, I got it! And then, well, seeing you both so happy and wondering if I would ever have a special relationship with someone, thinking it could never happen, and I got that too! Now it feels like all my luck’s gone. I don’t want to go to Annwn, L.”

“I don’t know what to say to comfort you, sweetie,” L held me very tight. “I don’t want you to go either, neither of us do, but we both know it’s the only way. Just thanks for all the lovely times we’ve had. I told you once that I thought you were the most amazing lep there is. I still think so, I always will.”

I was bug-eyed and leaden-footed on the following morning when I dragged myself into the den for what I thought would be the last time. None of us wanted any breakfast. Brian was trying to prepare for his show later that day, as was L but in the end we all sat together, the air heavy with unsaid words.

“Tealy will be here soon,” Brian broke the silence. “We’ll be thinking of you and hoping everything goes well, but in case it doesn’t,” he put his hand on my shoulder. “I want to thank you for the last four years. We’ve been a good team, the best. Make a good life in Annwn and be happy, you deserve it.”

I tried to say something but a lump the size of an eggwas lodged in my throat. I put my hand on his arm and squeezed fiercely. I think he understood. The sound of Tealy zapping in my closet cut through the tense silence.

“She’s here. Go on now.” Said Brian.

L put her arms around me and hugged me very tight.

“In case we don’t meet again,” she whispered, “Know that I love you so much, I’ll never forget you.”

I hugged her back fiercely, kissed her cheek, then turned and walked to the door. I took one last look over my shoulder at my two amazing humans and then I closed it behind me.

Tealy was waiting in my closet. She was wearing one of her more sober work suits, this one made of rose pink silk worn with a white silk top. She looked impossibly elegant. She wore her slim gold bangles and gold hair scrunchies but I doubted if they would do us much good, I did not think they would let her use her filmed evidence.

“Everything’s ready,” she said, giving me a reassuring smile as I came in. “I’ve picked Cassie up and she is safe with Sayri at Annwn, no one saw us leave as I zapped straight out of Alfard and LilyBella’s. Now darling, if things go badlyand the petition is granted the head council member will stamp it with the colony’s seal. When he does that I’ll put my hand in yours. One of the councillors will then read the document of removal, that is the code, they cannot avoid that. They won’t arrest you until after it’s read. Once everyone is eyes down over the document we’ll just zap out, I’ll do the zapping. Are you clear?”

“yes, I’m clear.” My heart was in my boots.

“Come on then,” Tealy was smiling, she looked full of purpose. “Let’s get going or we’ll be late.”

The colony seemed unusually quiet that morning, or perhaps it was just me. Leps cleared out of my way as if I carried death and disease. We were at the back wall in no time and had soon arrived at the council cube. There were guards outside but to my relief we were both let in without question. I soon saw that the place was heaving. Every single adult member of the family seemed to be present, even old Uncle Arf had made his way there. Tealy and I were led through the crush of leps trying to find somewhere to sit or stand to a space at the front of the cube where the council table stood. All the members were present. Tealy and I were given seats in the front row. Seated near us were Tulia, Derry and the other signatories to the petition. They glared at me but I chose not to look at them.

The great doors to the cube were closed and there was a rustling as talk died down and a silence fell. Then the council clerk rose and banged a gavel.

“The full council hearing concerning the case of CassidyAnne Imzaana is now in session.” He said.

“As I understand it,” said the head of the council, “this petition was filed by members of the family of Alfard Alfardan. It is a long and rather unpleasant document which has been read by all council members and will therefore not be read at this hearing, I will just give its salient points.”

Some of the petitioners rustled angrily at this and the head of the council looked at them quellingly.

“The petition states,” he went on in a slightly raised voice, “That Bertalius Alfardan brought the youngling Cassidyanne to the house of his parents claiming that she had been found abandoned in the bushes beyond the colony’s boundaries. He, Bertalius, told his parents that the youngling was imprint free and that she imprinted herself upon him. Being unwilling to cause an abandoned youngling anymore upheaval or distress he requested that she be raised under his protection as a member of the Alfardan family. Alfard Alfardan acceded to this request and the child has been living with him and his wife ever since. The petitioners, however, claim that Bertalius’s story is unproven and highly suspect. They state that the day the youngling is supposed to have been found, namely March 11, was extremely wet, indeed so wet that neither foragers nor salvagers could make any expeditions and that any youngling abandoned in the bushes that day would have been dead in minutes. The petitioners suggest that Cassidyanne Bertaliusna, as they call her.” There was a rustling and murmuring in the cube at this, “Is, in actual fact, a zlan-glart, fathered by Bertalius. They further suggest that he, Bertalius, abandoned its mother, took the youngling and, to save himself from disgrace, made up this story to try to get the youngling introduced into our colony, to get it endowed with the Helping Hand, and to get it granted a status, however lowly. They also add that even if Bertalius’s story is true and that Cassidyanne is an Im-Zaan as has been claimed, and Im-Zaan should not be brought up in a family but should be taken to the Handers, be brought up by them and be taught to be useful to leprechaun society. The petitioners ask that an order of removal from the colony be granted forthwith.”

I was left feeling as if I had been punched around the head. how could anyone be so bigoted and predjudiced. My family knew zlendt well that Cassie wasn’t zlan-glart! When in the stars would I have had time to father a zlan-glart for stars’ sake! They just wanted her out of our family and were using every and any trick in the book to get her out. An Im-Zaan was not exactly an outcast, but it was a lowly thing and they did not want to be associated with one, that was why they were doing this, no other reason at all. No thought for what they were putting me through, Mum and Dad through, Cassie through, for Stars’ sake, just their own selfish pride and predjudice! I was staggered!

I looked at the other council members to see how they were taking this. To my horror I saw nodds, exchanging of glances among them. They were agreeing with the petitioners. My heart, if it were possible sank further.

“Will the speaker for the petition please stand forth?”

A lep rose from a seat near me and made his way toward the table. My heart leapt into my throat. It was Derry. I had thought Tulia might do it. Her naked hatred for me might have moved some of the councillors to question her motives, but she had been clever. Derry was known to be close to me. He could have no axe to grind for me personally, he genuinely thought having Cassie in the family was wrong.

“Council members,” He said. “You all know me. You know I ain’t got nuffin against Bert personally, though others ‘ere can’t say the same. I ain’t out to cause ‘im grief just for the sake of it. This petition’s cost me plenty an’ is set to cost me more an’ I don’t mean in grains. I signed it an’ I speak for it because I believe in it. Oh, I don’t believe for one second that youngling’s zlan-glart!” this caused a stir all right. “Yeah, you can all look, but I knows Bert an’ you don’t. We been like brothers since ‘e come back, we been froo a load o’ stuff togevver an’ ‘e would no more try to foist a zlan-glart on this colony than ‘e would fly to the moon. But I still signed cos the code’s the code an’ rules was made for a reason. I don’t care if there is an imprint, our Bert.” He turned here and looked at me. “You should ‘ave ‘ad it took off when you could.” He turned back to the council members and looked at them all in turn.

“I fink that youngling’s an Im-Zaan. That’s bad luck for ‘er, but the code’s clear. The And doesn’t touch ‘em, they don’t live in families, they goes to the Handers and learns to be useful. I know that might seem ‘ard, I know she ain’t done me no wrong, but we leps ‘as only lasted as long as we ‘as because we follows our code to the letter. No exceptions. Well, there it is, writt in black an’ white. You can’t argue wiv it.”

He sat down. There were more nodds and murmurs and I began to feel faint with despair.

“Will the speaker against the petition please stand forth.” The head of the council looked and sounded gloomy.

Tealy stood up and there was more angry rustling.

“Council members,” she said. “I am well aware that I am of the elfin race and that I am, to some, here on sufferance. However, Bertalius and I have been bonded according to the customs of my kind so it is appropriate that I be with him. Furthermore I have been given permission by my Elfhold to give testimony at leprechaun hearings if permitted to do so. I have evidence which…”

Tulia sprang to her feet.

“Council members, I move that this elf is not of our race and that her evidence in a matter of leprechaun family code is not admissible. I further move that she be barred from the rest of these proceedings.”

“That is an extraordinary request, Miss Tulia.” The head of the council looked astonished and I went cold with dread. “Why would you ask such a thing?”

“Sir,” my sister’s face was pinched with hatred. “She is an elf. Elves have a lot of magic. If the case goes in our favour, what might she not do?”

“Oh come come!” but, to my dismay, there were nodds. Moments later, to my absolute horror, the motion was seconded and carried. Tealy was escorted from the cube by guards. I saw her white face moving away from me, I did not even have a chance to say goodbye.

“Sir,” I said, “I will speak against the petition, may I please be granted a five minutes’ recess to collect my thoughts?”

“Granted.” The council clerk banged the gavel and talk broke out everywhere.

“Come with me, Bert.” The council head put his hand on my arm and let me away to a small inner cube.

“This looks bad, son,” he said. “Marshal your thoughts well. I’ll be back for you in five minutes.”

Once the door had closed I fought down my mounting panic and thought furiously. Ok, Tealy was out of the picture completely now. I had to make a good case. What if that did not work. I really only had two choices. Neither were particularly appealing. First, I could go through with the natural course of events. These were, let myself be arrested, then the guards would go to Mum’s house, they wouldn’t find Cassie, I would then be charged with kidnap, perverting the course of justice and anything else they could throw at me. All this time the imprint would be pulling away at me from Annwn. It was a raindrop to a thunderstorm that by the time I came to trial I would be too physically and mentally debilitated to defend myself if I had not already turned my face to the wall. Ug, not a cheerful prospect!

Ok, second choice. When the document of removal was being read I could zap home to the Lair. Once I was there I would immediately have to foreswear the Helping Hand and go rogue. I have had to think of taking this course of action once before, if you remember, and wondered what on earth Brian and L would think about it. Since then, because they read my journal, we have discussed it. Brian and L know I would only go rogue as an absolutely last resort, if there was no other course open to me. Once you go rogue it’s totally irreversible, there’s no going back, and everyone in the magical world is lost to you. Now at least one of my fears is at rest. If I went rogue, life at my diminuative 32 inches high would not be easy at all. No more hovering up to the kitchen counters or on to the sofa, no more zapping to where I need to be, everything done the long way around. But at least I know that Brian and L would always be there for me, they have told me so.

So, I thought, if all else fails, I will go rogue. Cassie will then be free of me, the imprint will be terminated. I will also lose my imprint as that is bound up with my magical side. I will lose my Tealy forever, and the family too and that will be terrible, and my life will be very hard in ways I cannot even think about, but I will have a life and so will Cassie, and I’ll have Brian and L to help me learn how to do things in new ways. Yes, that was the thing to do.

The head of the council was at the door. I stood up and came after him into the main cube. The clerk banged the gavel and I cleared my throat.

“Council members,” I said, feeling as if my tongue were made of lead. “We have heard much today of the letter of the code. Derrywood Fillipan has said, and said truly, that we leprechauns have lasted long and survived because of our code. But the code was made long ago by leprechauns without predjudice and with open minds who knew that strange things happen in this world of ours. It has been stated that Im-Zaan are set apart, that the hand does not touch them, that they are raised by special Handers and taught to be useful as they can. This is true as we all have known from infancy. The code says this about Im-Zaan who are not imprinted. It further goes on to state that where a strong, true imprint has been formed, an Im-Zaan may, with the colony’s gracious permission, be introduced, granted status, be touched by the hand and raised as part of a family. I know this and that is what I have requested. Council members, my family have told you that Cassidyanne is Zlan-glart. I tell you she is not. You have known me all my life, I have worked hard, studied the code and the ways of the Helping Hand, spent time in the Old Country, worked for years to be worthy to live and work with humans. Is it sensible to think I would put all that at steak when my misdemeanour could so easily be discovered? And you who have known me so well for so long must also know that I, who can make mistakes like anyone, would not do anything so dishonourable. Had I brought a youngling into the world I would have married its mother and been supporting my family long before it had been born.” I did not know what else to say. I looked at all the faces before me. Only the head of the council and perhaps old Fredwald, my friend of old, were really on my side.

“Sirs,” I said. “Evidence has been offered which would prove my story is true but you would not hear it. The code does not allow for the removal of a youngling from its mother unless it is in the youngling’s best interest. I know I am not Cassie’s mother but I am the nearest thing she has to it. We have formed a very strong imprinting. If you take Cassidyanne away from the home I have given her she will suffer and so shall I. The leprechaun code allows her to be where she is or I would not have placed her there. She is safe, well-cared for, happy and harming no one. I humbly ask that she be allowed to remain where she is.”

I sat down feeling wrung out. The council members began to talk amongst themselves, the rest of the room was very silent.

“I have to tell you,” said the head of the council, “That we are not in agreement. The petition will not be carried unanimously, but as there are fifteen signatories, we will put it to a council vote and if there is a majority in favour I will have no alternative but to grant it.”

I went icy cold all over. I mentally kissed my darling Tealy girl’s fluffy ears for the last time. I would never see her again. I pictured my beautiful Irish Princess as I had last seen her, smiling her best gummy smile at me and gazing up at me with those enormous, incredible eyes like the sky over Sherrin loch. Be happy, I thought, be free. Tealy will take care of you. I heard the colony seal being stamped down on to the petition. The vote had been carried and I had not even heard it.

I looked up, my eyes swimming with tears. Derry was looking grimly satisfied. Tulia was looking triumphant.

“I will say,” said the head of the council, “Before I begin to read the order of removal, something on my own account and I wish this to be a matter of public record. I believe that The fact that this petition has been granted puts a stain on the leprechaun code and a stain on the characters of all who signed it and voted for it. In my opinion, gentles, this is a very black day for justice in our colony.”

He looked hard at all his colleagues and at the fifteen members of my family, some of whom looked slightly abashed. He then pulled the long scroll containing the order of removal towards him, opened it and began to read.

“be it known to all that on this twentieth day of April 2013 human calendar, the council of the colony of %%*%%% in the city of London did meet in fellowship and did make the following decisions, in its wisdom, for the welfare of the colony and of itsoccupants.”

He went on with the archaic nonsense, reading in a singsong voice. I saw the guards making their way up the cube twards me and braced myself to zap. Nothing happened. I tried again. Nothing! I began to panic, why could I not zap? Tulia leaned towards me.

“Trying to zap are ya, our Bert? Well you can’t! No one can’t zap in here except maybe your elf! That’s why I ‘ad ‘er turned out! You’re stuck! They’re goin’ to take you and your brat!”

I gave in. It would just have to happen. I mentally said goodbye to Brian and L, to everything and everyone.

“Signed under my hand in the month of the daffodil, on the day of laurels, colony year 685.”

The council head finished reading, gave me one pleading, apologetic look and picked up a quill. The guards put their hands on my arms.

“Dare to sign that order and I will blast you into a million smithereens!”

We all jumped. Everyone’s attention had been totally focussed, either on the head of the council or on me. No one had seen where the stranger had come from, the doors were still closed, but there she was, striding up the cube like a bolt of the wrath of the Hand.

I gaped, like everyone else. I had never seen anyone like her before. She was tall for a lep, a good four inches taller than I, very slim and lithe, and extraordinarily beautiful. She wore a long, flowing dress of green silk and a darker green velvet cloak fastened with a diamond brooch. She came to the place where the guards were holding me and looked at them as if they were crawly maggots.

“Let him go, vermin. Do not dare lay a hand on him again or I will shrivel your eyeballs inside your skulls!”

Her voice rang high and clear and with an accent we all knew. Even if she had not had Cassie’s colouring, platinum blonde hair and huge blue eyes, that voice would have told me that here was one from the Old Country, and her grand clothing and jewels said that she was a member of the Old Families. She looked at the long order of removal, then she took a breath, blew on it and it burst into flame and in one second had shrivelled into a small cloud of ashes.

“So much for your paltry colony justice.” She said. She turned to the head of the council, who was looking terrified, and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Your stand for the right will not be forgotten, my friend.” She said. “Your words have been heard and your actions seen. You are worthy to sit in that seat.” The head of the council looked gratified.

“Which is more than I can say for most of the rest of you.” Said the lady furiously, turning to the rest of the table. “What have we here? Apes and parrots? Oh, the code must be observed, no exceptions. Bah! The humans have a saying, the devil can quote scripture at need. Do you know what that means? It means the humans’ force of evil can use sayings from their holiest writings and manipulate them to his advantage. Isn’t that exactly what you’ve all been doing? You say you only want to follow the code, the youngling is Im-Zaan. No Im-Zaan is allowed to live in a colony. Bertalius told you there is provision in the code for an imprinted Im-Zaan to live in a colony but you would not listen to him, oh yes, I heard you! You miserable zlargs! You do not care two grains for the code! You,” She glared at my family, “You do not want the stigma of an Im-Zaan in your family, and you,” glaring at the council members, “Do not want it in your colony. Where is your loyalty to your own kind? Where is your compassion, your kindness, your pity? You have none!”

She was silent for a long moment and her eyes grew sad.

“We did not want to intervene in this matter,” she said. “It would have been much better for the youngling to know as little about us as possible, it would have been much kinder and much easier for her to grow up believing she was not special, even as an Im-Zaan. But you will not let that happen.”

She took a long scroll, seemingly, from out of the air.

“This is an order diclairing the youngling now known as Cassidyanne to be O-Shee. You all know what that means.”

There was a gasp. The Old Families had the ancient right, time out of mind, to make any leprechaun O-Shee, protected. That meant, to all intents, that he or she was one of them. No questions could ever be asked about their provenance or parentage, and that what the Old Families wanted for you, if you were under adult age, was set in stone. I could understand, in a way, why they had not wanted Cassie to be O-Shee, it was akin to being royalty, she could never blend into the colony, but then, as an Im-Zaan she had small chance of ever doing so either so I rather wished they had done it before and saved me a lot of time and heartache. The lady seemed to have read my mind.

“We should have left this with her.” She said, turning to me and laying a cool hand on my shoulder. “We have seen your trials, my good friend. You would have gone rogue to protect her.” She said this softly so that no one else could hear.

“I would have done anything.” I answered just as softly. “Would have done and would do.”

“You say well, and the hand has touched you it is plain to see. We will talk more later.”

“Council members,” said the lady, turning from me back to the table where much wrathful muttering was going on. “I have told you that Cassidyanne is O-Shee. I, as a representative of the Old Families, order that she live in this colony, under the protection of Bertalius Alfardan, in the home of Alfard Alfardan. If any leprechaun has anything to say against this, why, let him take it to the Old Country and see what answer he will get!”

“Council members,” said the head of the council, smiling broadly, “This meeting is concluded.”

The clerk banged his gavel. I could not believe it. I could go home, Cassie could go home. It was over.

I sprang up out of my chair as if I was all made of balloons. I wanted to run out of there, find Tealy, arrange for her to bring Cassie back and then, oh then, I could go home to the Lair, unpack all my things, put my lovely closet to rights, have a long, long sit on the sofa with Brian and L, I would just make the best ever dinner for them, after the show we would have wine, music, really celebrate…

Someone was barring my way. I started out of my thoughts. It was Derry.

“Bert,” he said. “I’m glad it turned out ok for ya an’ that the youngling can stay.” He gave me a tentative smile as if everything could just go on like nothing had ever happened. I stared at him, thinking of all the times we had been so close while Mella had been at the healing gardens, of all the times I had gone to his cube to help with the lings, of all the food Tealy had taken there, of everything, just, everything.

“Derry,” I said hoarsely, “Do you have just any idea what you’ve put me through?”

His half smile faded.

“I told you. The code…” I snapped.

“Code low country! I don’t believe it for one minute. Tell me why you did this, why you went along with it, I want to know!”

He gave me a look of absolute misery, turned abruptly away and walked off down the cube. I shrugged angrily, I could not be bothered with him now.

There were leps trying to talk to me but I did not hear. I ran as fast as I could down to the doors, erupted outside and saw Tealy hurtling towards me. Oh how good it felt to hold her, I thought I would never see her again.

“Zaea!” I babbled happily.

“Cassie is O-Shee, that means she can stay here. Everything can just go back to normal! I don’t have to live in Annwn, I can go back to my job and my lovely comfy closet, Cassie can go home, everything’s turned out brilliant, hurray!”

The strangest, oddest look came over Tealy’s face. Just for a second she seemed to go totally still.

“Hurray.” She said quietly. Then she seemed to give herself a little shake and smiled at me, but I noticed vaguely, through my own relief and happiness that something didn’t look quite right about that smile. Oh well, I thought, she’s probably still shaken up.

“I’ll go and collect Cassie now, Zaea,” she said, “I’ll bring her to your Mum and Dad’s. Be as quick as I can.” I leant forward, wanting another hug, but she was running lightly away from me, dodging in and out of leps on the thoroughfare.

As I turned from watching her I saw the tall Irish lep fem standing beside me.

“You usually have far sight, my friend,” she said, starting to walk down the thoroughfare with me. “Be sure and look beyond the end of your own nose or you’ll miss something important and be more sorry than enough!”

I asked what she meant but she only smiled and shook her head.

“You’ll have few family troubles now,” she said. “Your sister will always be a thorn in your side and will thwart you whenever she can, but that’s personal. No one can alter her till roses grow on thistles.”

“I’ll never understand why she hates me so much,” I fretted.

“Sure and it’s simple!” said the lady. “You’re everything she can never be. She’s one of life’s lowliest grubbers. Even your goodness gets to her. She would never have picked up a youngling for pure kindness. She can’t stand that in you. Don’t let it worry you too much. We always reap what we sow in life’s field. Sow thorn seed we get thorns. Sow good seed the grain grows up to kiss the sky. So she’ll find it, and so will you, my friend. here we are at your family’s cube. I’ll leave you now, it’s been a pleasure. We won’t intervene again, but the stars that watch us also watch you. If there is trouble for Cassidyanne O-Sheena you won’t ever need to feel alone again. Goodbye.”

And, just like that, she vanished and I was left standing alone outside Mum and Dad’s cube.

It seemed like an eternity until Tealy arrived with Cassie. Before she came back the cube became packed to the rafters with relatives. The family piled in to discuss the hearing, congratulate me, marvel at Cassie being given the lofty status of an O-Shee and gloat over the mortification of Tulia and her little gang who had left the cube looking as if they had swallowed a pint of gooseberries each.

Finally Tealy arrived with Cassie in one arm and her little overnight bag in the other. I was supremely glad to see all three.

I took my little Princess into my lap and held out an arm to bring Tealy close into the next chair but she shook her head and moved away.

“I’m going to go back now, Zaea, and work a shift,” she said. “They’ll be clamouring for my ears if I don’t.”

That didn’t sound right at all. Tealy had told me she had squared it with Bilby to take the whole weekend off so that Elfhold wouldn’t start raising a stir too soon if we had to do our disappearing act. Why was she suddenly leaving? I put Cassie down in a hurry and fought my way out into the thoroughfare. I could not see her. I pushed my way on down it, running where I could, and just caught a glimpse of her pink suit.

“Tealy!” I bellowed. “Stop!”

She turned to me and made as if to turn back and go on walking.

“If you don’t stop I’ll zap there and probably ztrap myself, I mean it!” I bellowed. She stopped and I pushed, fought, elbowed and hustled until I reached her. I caught hold of her arm, none too gently, and pulled her behind a pile of crates.

“now what the zlanny zlarn is going on? Like I haven’t got enough…”

“Oh yes!” she suddenly flashed. “You, you, you, you!”

“Huh?” my jaw dropped.

“Well, it’s all about you, isn’t it?” she suddenly spat, wrenching herself away from me.

“What in the stars do you mean, Tealy?” I was appalled.

“You and your job, you and your closet, you and Cassie, you and L, for iron’s sake!”

“L?” my jaw, if possible, went even lower.

“Yes, L!” she spat the name out as if it had a bad taste.

“How do you think it feels coming second to her?”

“Tealy, you don’t!”

“I do!” she cried passionately.

“That’s not true and I’ve never given you a reason to think it.” I was getting angry now.

“Oh no, of course not!” she sneered. “I stayed at the Lair for weeks, don’t forget, I’ve seen the two of you. Enough to make you sick! Lap?” she mimicked me cruelly. “It’s always L’s lap you need when anything goes wrong, L you talk to when you need advice, L who comforts you when you’re upset, L who you spend hours and hours on end with, reading to, talking to, laughing with, playing with like a pair of mercury idiotic babies! It’s always L! Never me!”

I was really aghast. I did not know what to say.

“But,” I began stupidly.

“And I’ve seen the way she relies on you all the time. If it weren’t for her we could have had a normal relationship!” went on Tealy, tears filling her eyes, “WE might have been married by now, Brian is sensible, he would never have held you to your job, he would have wanted you to be happy, but oh no, L couldn’t possibly do without her lep!”

“You leave L out of this, Tealy, I mean it!” I suppose I was just adding fuel to the fire but I could not help it. “You say anything you want against me, I don’t care, but you zlendt well leave L alone!”

Tealy looked at me in a kind of miserable triump.

“Oh yes, can’t say a word against L!” she mocked. “so you spend every second you can with her, except when there’s a family crisis and then you have to be here, working your fingers to the bone for this ungrateful lot of leaf crunchers. Tel me something, bert: when did you last come to Elfhold, not just to grab a quick lunch with me but to spend the day? To spend time with me in my home, to see where I live, to relax with me? I can see you trying to remember, and I can’t either. It hardly everhappens. If you do come over it’s just for a few hours for a meal in some restaurant or other. You’ve been to my flat once or twice at most. You don’t even like it there. Oh, you like to see me but it’s always got to be on your terms. We’ll meet here or at the Lair, we spend time with your family, not with any of my friends. Think about it.”

I did think about it. That last bit got home. What she said about L I put aside as no more than jealousy, serious enough but something I could deal with. That last bit though, what was she saying? I thought this was how she wanted it to be.

“Tealy,” I said uncertainly. “You’ve never said any of this before. If you were unhappy why didn’t you tell me calmly, not blurt all of this out in the middle of the thoroughfare?”

She shrugged dejectedly.

“Oh led poison.” She said. “You know how it can be. A little thing comes into your head and you push it down and try to forget it. Then more little things join it and it gets to be a bigger thing. I could still deal with it, even when I saw how you and L were before Christmas because she, with your help and Brian’s, saved my life and she’s never been anything but good and kind to me.”

“That’s true enough.” I said. “If she knew what you’d just been saying about us she’d be heartbroken.”

“I know that too,” said Tealy miserably, “but it doesn’t stop me feeling it, Bert. When all this trouble over Cassie blew up, deep down I was glad. To be honest I was horrified when I thought you were going to be saddled with that youngling, I still am. I don’t think you’re ready for that kind of responsibility, but for better or worse it’s done now. But I thought, well, she’ll be safe, I’ll keep her safe in Annwn and Bert will have to join us. Then we can get married, settle down, he’ll need us, we’ll be his family. I was glad.”

“You were glad?” I was horrified. “You were glad that I was going to be alienated from everyone I love most, well, except you and cassie, for the rest of my life? You wanted that for me?”

“An afterthought, wasn’t it, me and Cassie.” Her lip curled.

“No it was not and don’t dodge the question. Tealy…” I stopped. A horrible, cold suspicion was beginning to enter my head. “You said you would put the word out on Facebook about what the imprint breaking would do. I know you did it, I saw some of the feeds but…”

“What.” Her big eyes suddenly went cold, hard and flat.

I was thinking furiously.

“Derry!” I suddenly exclaimed. “That’s it, isnt’ it. He owes you a favour. A lot of favours. All his talk about the code is so much starshine. It was you. I can just see it all. You went to him, told him a sob story about how you wanted us to be able to have a normal life and you couldn’t, because the humans wouldn’t release me from my job, but it could all come true if only there was serious trouble over the youngling, she was threatened with removal from the colony and we had to run away. You suggested he go to Tulia and put the idea of that petition into her head and tell her he would back her? You convinced him that he was doing the best for me, for you and for Cassie or he would never have agreed to it. Tealy, tell me that’s not the way it happened!”

Tealy had been staring at the metal floor as I spoke, now she looked at me and her huge eyes were full of unbearable sadness.

“You know me too well.” She said and her eyes dropped under mine. “He took a lot of persuading.” She went on after a short pause, each of her words seemed to twist a knife inside me. “But He’s fond of you and wants you to have a good life, a normal lep life. He wants to see you married with a cube full of lings, not running around after humans! In the end I convinced him that I could make you happy. He thinks humans are inherently dangerous and I played on that. I could have made you happy, Zaea.”

I flinched as if she had hit me.

“Don’t!” I cried. “Don’t ever call me that again.”

I wheeled away from her and started walking back the way I had come. I felt a hand on my arm and looked up.

“I’m sorry, Bert,” tears were running silently down Tealy’s face. “I was being as selfish as I just accused you of being. I should have talked to you before and tried to resolve things. I should have…”

“It’s too late, Tealy.” I said dully. “There is truth in some of the things you said today, but after what you did I can’t see a way to go on.”

I held up my wrist where the silver leaf gleamed dully, its usual radiance dimmed.

“Just so you know,” I said, my eyes filling with tears, “You never, ever came second with me. I loved you so very much, always.” I brushed my other hand over my wrist, the wafer thin token came away and I handed it to her. Then I turned and, almost numb with misery, walked back to Mum and Dad’s cube. I did not look back.

The rest of the afternoon was a misery. Everyone seemed intent on holding a party and Mum was full of plans for the naming ceremony the next day. Dad had been down to see the Handholder to check that it could go ahead on the morrow and she was perfectly agreeable. It would not be a huge affair like Pattianne’s but everyone we had invited would be there, afterwards we would all chip in and do what we could in the way of food and zair. It seemed an eternity until the cube was empty. I stayed behind, helping Mum and Dad clear up.

“Looks like we’re goin’ to need that gal of yourn tomorrow, our Bert,” said Dad as he shifted barrels around. “What time’s she turnin’ up ‘ere?”

“Tealy won’t be coming here tomorrow, Dad,” I said quietly. “Not tomorrow nor ever again.”

Mum and Dad both stared at me. I sank into a swinging chair.

“When Tealy left this afternoon,” I said miserably, “We had a blazing row, our first really. She told me a lot of things, things she should have told me before, maybe we could have worked them out. Now she’s gone too far and it’s all too late.”

“Zahal,” Mum came and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Nuffin ain’t never too late till high country’s gate. That’s an old sayin’ but it’s true. If you wants to work fings out you can.”

“No, Mum, you don’t’ understand.”

I took a deep breath and told them everything. It felt good to be able to share this awful thing. When I came to the bit about Derry I saw their eyes widen and their jaws go slack.

“You’re not serious!” That was Dad. “I don’t believe that good girl could do such an awfulf ing.”

I sat quiet a while and thought about Tealy.

“She wasn’t’ always a good girl, Dad,” I said. “When I first knew her, that is when she was going out with my best friend, she was the kind of person who would do most things to get what she wanted, she was used to getting her own way because of her good looks and winning personality. She changed a lot this past year but that manipulative elfish streak was working in her, tellignher that she only needed to get her own way and everything would work out all right in the end. It wouldn’t have, Dad. I would have done my best for all of us, I’d have had no choice, but I could never be really happy in Annwn and in the end she would have known it.”

There was a long silence.

“So what willl you do now, son?” said Dad.

“First, I’m going down to Mella and Derry’s at some point soon to have a talk with them. Derry thought he was acting in my best interests, however misguidedly, and it’s nearly finished him and Mella. I’d bet a grain to a granary she knows nothing about Tealy’s involvement. I’m going to have it out with them both. They might have a lot of straight talking to do but I think they’ll be ok afterwards, I don’t want a dissolution on her account, or on my conscience either.”

“I fink you made the right decision, son.” Said Mum. “What about the rest of ‘em? Are you goin’ to tell what that petition was really all about?”

“No.” I said. “There’s been enough zlendt trouble in this family without me making more and I don’t want to give Tulia any more reasons to hate my guts. If Derry chooses to tell, then that’s up to him. I’m not going to.”

“That’s generous of you, our Bert.” Dad touched my other shoulder. “Now, what are you goin’ to tell the humans?”

“As little as possible.” I said. “I don’t want L to hear one single word of what Tealy said about her and me. If I have to say anything I’ll say we broke up, no more and no less.”

“If I know you,” Mum said, giving me a dubious frown, “That ain’t goin’ to last a day, if that.”

“It has to,” I said fiercely. “What’s so awful about this whole thing is that there was more than a grain of truth in some of what Tealy said. I can’t keep running to people when I need help with my problems, it’s time I grew up and learned to stand on my own feet. Now, I’d better be getting back.”

It was after ten O’clock in the evening when I zapped into my closet. I carried Tealy’s overnight bag in my hand, in it was everything I had packed the day before and I thought wearily that I would not be able to sleep until the whole room was back the way I liked it. I had just placed the bag on the bed when the door burst open and L scorched in.

“Who’s in there?” she demanded for, of course, she could not see so did not know which of us had zapped in.

“It’s me, L. Didn’t…” I got no further as I was grabbed and shaken.

“How could you, Bert! Oh, how absolutely could you! B and I have been waiting for hours and hours, we’ve been frantic! You promised to let us know what happened as soon as the hearing was over! Why didn’t you ring us Or text us?”

“Teally was supposed to text …” I began and then stopped. Of course, after our fight Tealy would have done no such thing and I had been too caught up in my own misery to think of my people waiting for news. I mentally kicked myself half to death!

“We haven’t heard a word from Tealy or anyone else.” Brian was standing in the doorway, looking as stern as I have ever seen him. “We have both had to work all afternoon while being severely anxious about you. Now explain why you didn’t let us know what happened, would you please?”

Oh stars! This was just one thing too much for me. I had expected a warm welcome, maybe a snuggle on the sofa, a nice glass of wine, now I looked from L’s reproachful face to Brian’s stern one and I just fell to bits, plink plank plonk, right there on the carpet. Sorry, I know I must sound like a completely broken record sometimes, oh yes, I can hear you all saying, anything gets too much for Bert he just goes and cries to mamma, but look, that is just me and it’s completely why I am not ready for what Tealy wants yet! Stars, um, ok, where was I?

Well I had literally fallen to bits on the carpet and the first thing I was aware of was being lifted up on to the bed.

“Now Bert,” Brian was still serious but no longer angry. “try and tell us what has happened. Obviously the petition was thrown out or you would not be here. So, why are you so upset?”

I took several deep breaths. I had to tell some, but I was not going to tell all, no, absolutely not.

“After the petition was thrown out, I’ll tell you all about that when I’m not so tired,” I began, “Tealy and I had a big fight. I was glad to be going home, that Cassie could stay in the colony, that I could come back here. She wanted us to live in Annwn. She wants, wants what I can’t give her. We broke up. Please,” I said, lifting my hand, as I could see both Brian and L about to ask questions. “It’s not up for discussion and I don’t want to talk about it. Not ever. I have you and L, my job, Cass and my family. That’s what’s important to me now and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on.”

L stroked my hair lightly.

“Ok, we’ll leave it there for now.” She said.

“Did you bring your things back?” asked Brian. “If so we’ll leave you to unpack and get some sleep, and Bert?”

“Yes?”

“We are glad to have you back.” He said.

It took me a long, weary time to get all the things out of that seemingly bottomless overnight bag and hang them in my wardrobe or stow them neatly in drawers. Then I had things to stack in or on my desk, more things to set back on the little corner units, I thought I was never going to be done. Finally I took the last thing out of the bag, which happened to be Imogen iPad. I set her in her place on the desk and closed the shiny pink lid of that tiny, compact looking suitcase. With a faint pop it vanished into thin air and I knew it was returning to its owner. I thought of the fluffy ears, big aqua eyes, the cut crystal voice, the carefree giggle, the sparkle she always brought into any place she was in. I thought of all the good things she had done for me and my family. I clenched my teeth against the grinding pain in my heart, got into pyjamas as if there were led weights attached to my limbs, got into bed and fell into an exhausted sleep.

I know, I know, there’s more. I haven’t told you about the naming ceremony, nor what happened when I went to have it out with Mella and Derry, nor how I have coped with things since, but getting this far has taken me all day and I am dropping asleep on my nose so I must get this posted now. I will do some more on Sunday if I possibly can.

I hope you have had a good few weeks and thank you so much for reading my rambles. Yes, even with all this going on I can still give you big smiles, I always have smiles for my friends.

May 12.

Hi everyone.

Well, here I am again, you see. I am determined to get this story of mine up to date before I fall further and further behind until it just gets hopeless. Anyway, after this there is not much more to tell. I should say, before I begin, that I would like to thank you for some very nice tweets I got after my last journal entry. Yes, that was a hard one to write and your kind messages were very much appreciated. Ok, having said that, let’s get on with the story of the last few very difficult weeks.

I awoke on Sunday, April 21, feeling all the enthusiasm for my adopted daughter’s naming ceremony that I would feel for, oh, say a hefty dose of triple ceptic pneumonia. With complications! In case my heavy sarcasm sailed over your bewildered head I’ll put it plainer. I just wasn’t interested. I really wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, bar my door to all comers, curl up, put my head under the duvet and hide until I could face people again, which I was pretty sure would not be for a very long time. Unfortunately, however, there was a naming ceremony I rather had to attend, so I dragged myself out of bed, into a shower and after that into some clothes.

Logging on to Facebook was plain awful! Oh, everything was more or less ok with the family, most of them were all of a twitter about the upcoming ceremony, discussing Cassie being made O-Shee, wondering what that could mean, speculating about her origin, that kind of thing, the animosity level toward me was right down. I had several lovely congratulatory messages from leps saying they were looking forward to the party later. No, what was awful was that Tealy’s feeds were all over the place, she obviously hadn’t unfriended me and there she was, sparkling all over my page. Well I couldn’t look at that. I had to unfollow her and hide her feeds, it was hard and horrible.

It took me a while to get myself calmed down after that but I eventually got into the den and made some breakfast. As soon as it was ready Brian told me to leave, he said there was probably lots to do and Mum and Dad could certainly use my help.

It was a really beautiful day. Spring seemed finally to have arrived. As I zapped into the bushes I looked around for a moment as I walked towards the colony and Kori’s words suddenly came back to me. She had said the 21st would be a lovely day, all sunbeams and blossoms, just right for the helping hand to meet a new Princess. Kori hadn’t seen everything though. She hadn’t seen that I would be taking Cassie to the hand alone. I clenched my teeth and fought down a wave of grinding regret. That little slim figure wasn’t going to bounce out of the bushes to meet me ever again. I shivered, the sun seemed to go in.

I mentally shook myself, this would not do at all. Mum and Dad would have been working since dawn to make this day the best they could for us. I had people who needed me, it was not like this had never happened to someone before, I told myself, falling apart or hiding was not an option, I needed to be strong, keep going, get on with things. I squared my shoulders, put on my best smile and went into the colony.

I found our cube in complete uproar. Mum was flying about like a bee in a bottle helped by Andi, Gwen and Marni of all people. Ikey was also there, bringing wood, water and lifting barrels and heavy things around. Dad was sitting high up in a corner holding Cassie who was yelling her lungs out. Nothing he could do was having any effect.

“Oh Bert, Fank the stars!” Dad sounded as relieved as I have ever heard him. “Cassie’s been in a right state since yesterday night, we ‘ardly got a wink o’ sleep! For stars’ sake, son, you’ll ‘ave to try an’ calm Er down, we can’t go on like this.”

Dad climbed down from the chair, handed me Cassie who immediately stopped screaming, gave me a reproachful look from the enormous eyes and put her thumb in her mouth. I climbed up to his lofty perch, folded myself into the chair, seated her in my lap and looked at her. Her little face was red with annoyance and exertion and her eyes were swollen from crying.

“Hey hey, poor little Zeezal,” I crooned to her, wiping her face with my clean hanky. “what’s all this then? Why all the fuss? Everything’s ok!”

“Everything ain’t ok though, is it.” I started. Mum had appeared from somewhere without me seeing her. She had climbed up beside me and was sitting in the next chair looking worn out.

“What do you mean, Mum?” I said. “everything’s fine.”

“Bert, listen, I ain’t got time for games!” Mum sounded exasperated. “That youngling started cryin’ last night just after you must’ve got back to the humans. So let me guess. They was askin’ you what ‘appened, you got upset, you got really upset like you can, I known you all your life don’t forget. Fing you got to remember is, Cassie knows you now too. Oh, she never worries when you ‘ave one of your little set tos, she knows they blow over soon enough so that don’t worry ‘er. But last night she knowed it was different see? She started ‘owlin’ and we couldn’t’ get ‘er to stop, so we knowed there was somefin badly wrong.”

I could only stare in remorseful astonishment.

“I’m so sorry.” I finally managed to get out.

“You couldn’t ‘elp it, son,” said Mum gently, “But you need to know that the imprint works both ways.”

Cassie was almost asleep by this time, she had worn herself out with her crying. I put her into her crib and went to help get the cube ready. We worked hard for the next two hours. Then I fed Cassie and changed her into the family’s naming robe, feeling proud and glad. Every single member of our family, including myself, had worn this robe, and now Cassie was wearing it. It was nothing very special, certainly not like the elaborate confections of silk and lace I have seen human children wear, but it had been made with love by Mum before Barty was born and kept ever since, washed, pressed, mended at need, and into it was sewn a little piece of Dad’s family’s robe which had become too old and threadbare to where anymore.

It was time to process to the Handhold. Everyone who had been helping us had left to get ready, so Mum, Dad and I left our cube alone, I carried Cassie, she looked beautiful, swathed in the long white cotton robe. It was simply made, it had a high collar and long loose sleeves. Mum had embroidered tiny pink and blue starry flowers around the yoke at the front. I don’t know where she had got the cotton, I suspect it had probably once been someone’s sheet, but she had used plenty to make the robe, it was long and flowing and trailed well down past Cassie’s feet. She really did look like a Princess.

As we passed the cubes of my family they joined us. Marni and her children carrying Barty in a kind of hammock. Barty was looking as frail as a corn husk and seemed to have lost all interest in his surroundings. Then there came Andi and Gordy, Tovey, Lina and Lita, Kas and Kori with Gwenice walking beside them, Crystalia and Joby and behind them, I gaped! Nile and Netta who must have been staying with them! There was Crystus from the guards, walking beside Barty’s two oldest boys. There was NanciAnne, Barty’s Hander novice daughter with flowers in her blue girdle. There were Ikey and Vee carrying a twin each and looking incredibly happy. Uncle Arf was leaning on a stick and Auntie Kitty’s arm, his lings were surrounding him, little Gem and Jewel could toddle now and even they were in the procession.

Of course, there were gaps. I had not expected to see Leo and lani from Ireland, they had not made the journey. Also Tulia’s entrenched gang of haters had not made an appearance, but as we passed Shay and Tulia’s cube the outer curtain opened and Shay came out leading little PattiAnne with the boys walking behind. Tulia was not there and I was glad, but Shay, quiet, unassuming, hard-working Shay had stood up for what he thought was right and I was proud of him.

Of course, when we reached Mella and Derry’s the curtains of their cube remained firmly closed. I had really hoped, but now I just shrugged. I would go down to see them later, I thought, this could not go on.

We arrived at the Handhold, everyone found places and I took my place in front of the simple white table. Again I thought of Tealy who should have been standing beside me. I felt very alone. I gave myself another shake. I was not alone, I had my family all around me, I had lots of people who cared about me, I had to stop this!

I looked around the huge cube, lined with tier upon tier of swinging chairs, made from light canvas and rope, hung on the lightest metal framework. They stretched almost to the ceiling. Many of them were now full of my family members. Before me was a simple white table on which sat a heavy crystal box about eighteen inches by eighteen but about half as deep, the most precious thing in our whole colony. The light refracted from it in a myriad different colours. That beautiful box contained our colony’s helping hand, the symbol of the living force which serves and protects all leprichaunity. Without the Hand we would have nothing, could do nothing, would be nothing at all.

A curtain at the back of the cube opened and the most important fem in the colony entered quietly. Old she was, and shrunken, but she had an indisputable aura of quiet dignity about her. Her tiny figure was enveloped in a pure white robe tied at the waist with a golden girdle. Her face was withered but her eyes were keen, amazing sapphire eyes which seemed to be able to see right inside a lep, into his very heart and soul. She walked quietly to the table, took the simple white chair behind it and beckoned me to draw near.

“What is your name?” she asked, though she knew perfectly well. This was a matter of form.

“My name is Bertalius Alfardan, lady.” I answered.

“And the name you would give this youngling?”

“Her name shall be Cassidyanne O-Sheena, lady, for though she is under my protection and lives with my family, it has pleased the old ones to take an interest in her. They, in their wisdom, have made her O-Shee.”

“That is well.” Said the lady. She held out her hands toward Cassie and looked at the crystal box which glowed before us. She began to speak in the Handers’ sacred language. At first in a persuasive tone, then almost as though she were arguing, trying to make a point,at last almost pleading.

Finally the thing for which we had all waited happened. The lid of the box began to move. It slowly opened, little by little, then fell backwards on to the table. From the box came a brilliant light, incandescently luminous, bright and beautiful. There also came a smell more wonderful than I have words to describe. No flowers growing in human gardens, no fruit ripening in the sun, no rare distilled perfume ever smelt like it. It was the breath of heaven, the fragrance of the High Country. Slowly, oh so slowly, a white hand rose from the box. It was warm and alive, it was adorned with sparkling rings which shoen in the light. From the wrist down it seemed to dissolve into luminescence. Its fingers were softly curled as if it held something precious. It was a beautiful and awesome sight.

I stepped forward and handed Cassie, whose huge eyes were as round as saucers, to the Handholder. The lady leant down so that Cassie and the box were close to each other and then the wonderful mystery of the naming ceremony happened. The hand leaned from the box and touched Cassie over her heart. I saw the fingers uncurl, spread and press slightly. The hand drew back and there, glimmering on Cassie’s robe was a tiny hand, glistening with pure silver white radiance. It seemed to grow larger, it spread rapidly, lost its shape until the silvery whiteness had covered cassie, making her glow all over as if she were made of diamonds. Then it was gone and there was Cassie, looking perfectly normal, except she had been made anew. Now she would have the help and protection of the hand for the rest of her life.

The Handholder was smiling down at my princess. She touched her soft platinum curls.

“Casidyanne O[Sheena I name you.” She said. “You are welcomed into this colony and endowed with the helping hand which serves and protects us all.”

There was a clatter. The hand had disappeared back into its box, the lid closed. The brilliant light and wonderful fragrance vanished as though they had never been. The lady handed Cassie back to me.

“A beautiful youngling is that, Bert,” she said to me quietly. “You did not choose the easy way when you took her out of the rain, but remember that what is easy is not always what is good fur us.” She touched Cassie’s cheek tenderly. “Poor little storm-tossed bluebird,” she said. “the winds will toss you for a long time to come. But the hand knew what it was about when it sent your protector to you.” With that she turned and glided away, leaving me very perplexed and rather uneasy.

I had no time to ponder her words. My family were all around me, congratulating me and each other, laughing, talking until the rafters rang. WE spilled out of the Handhold in any old order and made our way back to Mum and Dad’s where the party soon got under way. I really need not tel you much about it, after all a party’s a party and this one seemed to go on all the way to forever and halfway beyond! That really does sound ungrateful I know, but when you are feeling like absolute rubbish and you have to smile, talk, laugh, eat and drink and generally try to be the life and soul, oh dear shining stars it’s hard!

Brian and L were not expecting me back for the show of course, so the evening dragged on and on. It must have been about eight O’clock before anyone started to leave. When the last guest had gone I got Cassie ready for bed. She had been very good all day but now she was exhausted. Once she was fed and asleep it was really getting late but I could not leave. I had something I needed to do and I was not leaving till it was done.

“Mum, I’ll come back and help with the clearing up soon,” I said, “But I really want to go down to Mella’s. I have to have it out with them, I just have to. This just can’t go on any longer, Mella has to know the truth and I need to get things straightened out with Derry once and for all.”

“Don’t you fink fings is better left alone, son?” asked Dad worriedly.

“No I certainly don’t.” I said. “I saw Derry at the hearing. He’s totally mixed up and halfway to low country. I don’t even like to think about how things are with him and Mella. We have to get this sorted. The truth has to be better than lies.”

Derry and Mella’s cube was dark and silent when I reached it. I was afraid everyone was in bed. I put my head around the curtain for a look and at first could see nothing. Then a voice said:

“Who the zlarn’s that?”

A glimmer of light came towards me and I made out Mella. She was holding a stubby candle and looking scared.

“It’s only me,” I said. “I’m sorry to be so late but I absolutely have to talk to you. Both of you. Can I come in?”

“No!” Mella hissed at me fiercely. “It won’t do no good, our Bert. There’s bad trouble. You ain’t got no idea! Look, I’ll come an’ see ya soon, just do us a favour an’ ‘op it will ya?”

“Oh let ‘im come in if ‘e wants.” Derry spoke with utter defeat and weariness. “’e always was one for stickin’ ‘is nose in where it warn’t wanted. Stars know ‘e can’t make nuffin no worse.”

Mella gave me a hopeless, helpless kind of look which filled me with fear and pulled back the curtain. I went in as quietly as I could and took a seat. There was hardly any light, just the bit of candle Mella was holding.

“Can we light the lamp, Mel?” I asked, “I’d like to be able to see you.” Without a word she lit the little oil lamp and turned it down so that it would not waken the lings.

“Now,” I said. “I don’t usually interfere in what doesn’t concern me. Only this does concern me because your problems are partially my fault. I don’t know if I can do anything to put things right, that’s not up to me, but I’m not leaving here until everything is at least out in the open.”

I stopped and they both looked at me in miserable silence.

“Derry,” I said quietly. “I said to you yesterday that I didn’t believe for one second that you went along with that petition because of the code. To be honest, if I’d been smarter I should have worked that out before and then maybe I could have got it stopped and saved a whole lot of trouble. I mean, if I hadn’t been so worried and flustered I should have reasoned out that you’ve never studied the code! You don’t know the first thing about it really beyond the basics that every lep knows. So why? Why would you suddenly take such a stand against me when you could see what it was doing, hurting me, hurting Mella, causing you trouble. I couldn’t work it out.”

“Told you why.” Derry mumbled. “An’ that’s all I’m sayin’.”

“I’ve asked an’ asked.” Mella was close to tears. “I’ve pleaded, I’ve gone on me knees, I mean it. I’ve frettened to run away. Bert, ‘e wouldn’t stop, not even for me.”

“I couldn’t work that out either,” I said. “What could possibly be more important to you than your wife and your lings, it didn’t make sense. And then it suddenly hit me. Paying a debt you owed someone. We’re taught that when we’re younglings aren’t we. No matter what it costs us, debts have got to be paid and in full.”

Derry sprang suddenly to his feet.

“You get out of ‘ere Bert, right now!” he said, he kept his voice down because of the sleeping lings but he looked both angry and scared. “You’re talking zlanny rubbish an’ I won’t ‘ear no more. Go on, get out!”

I didn’t move. I looked at Derry with compassion.

“Sit down.” I said even more quietly. He collapsed into his chair like a burst balloon.

“Of course, she knew that too.” I said. The cube suddenly went very, very silent. “She would have been taught the same thing,” I said. “It’s something all the seely races are brought up with as soon as they get their eyes open so she would have known it only too well.” I waited. No one moved, no one spoke.

“And of course,” I went on relentlessly, “There was just no way you could refuse, was there, Derry, because you were doubly indebted. After all, you owed her even more than you owed me.” I fixed him with a very hard look and played my trump card. “Wasn’t it her who provided all those FeedMe spells? She saved your life. Why, she probably saved the lives of everyone in this cube. You had to do what she wanted.”

Mella gasped and looked at me in absolute horror.

“You’re not sayin’ Tealy?” she whispered. “I don’t believe it. I won’t believe it! You’ve gone off your chump!”

“It’s true, Mel,” Derry’s voice was a broken whisper. “That ‘ole petition was Tealy’s idea. Our Bert’s right. Oh stars, oh stars!”

He put his head in his hands and began to weep. I don’t know when I saw anything that was harder to watch. Derry was a stoical one, I had never seen him show much emotion, not even when Mella was at death’s door and so desperately illin the Healing Gardens, he could always seem to cope with anything. Now seeing him so totally bowed down made me incredibly sad and incredibly angry. If I had been anywhere near Tealy at that moment I don’t know what I would have done.

I stood up and went over to him, put my hand on his shoulder.

“Come on,” I said. “The world is still turning. Let’s get everything straight. However hard it may be for me to hear, I need to know exactly what happened and so does Mella.”

Mella was suddenly on his other side.

“You can do this, Zahal,” she said.

Derry looked up at her and I winced at the love and pleading in his eyes. He sat up, squared his shoulders and began.

“Friday it was. Two days before you both come round wiv the namin’ bowl. I was out foragin’ an’ I was in this front garden, seein’ what I could get out of the ‘erbacious border, quiet-like, mindin’ me own business. All of a sudden this little pink fing on wheels roars up. You know, like what the humans has only smaller, cor, I was frit I tells ya! Anyway, it stops an’ I was just about to scarper when Tealy jumps out in broad daylight. Afore I could make up me mind what to do she tells me to jump in. I didn’t rightly want to but I sort of did an’ we whizzed off. Next fing was we pulled up in this lane an’ there was a shimmer an’ Tealy says no one could see us so it’s all ok. Then she says she wants to talk to me. She says about how she give us all them spells when I busted me ribs an’ didn’t I fink it was time to pay ‘er back?”

“I bet she did!” I said grimly.

“Well,” resume Derry, “I was in a muck sweat cos I fought she wanted grains an’ what I earn I spends on this place an’ the lings. When I tells ‘er this she smiles awful sweet an’ says she don’t want grains, she needs my ‘elp wiv somefin, only I can ‘elp an’ if I does, then we’re all square. Bert,” he looked at me in appeal, “This might sound stupid, but I fought I was…”

“No no, never mind that for now,” I interrupted. “Go on with the story. Tell us how she wanted you to help her. Don’t leave anything out.”

“Well,” Derry hesitated and then went on. “She said you was bein’ worked to deaf in that job of yours an’ that you two wouldn’t never be able to ‘ave any kind of normal life. She said you’d kissed the Wishstone ages ago but you couldn’t get betrothed proper an official like, cos you didn’t’ know when you could ever get married. She told me you was miserable about it, specially since you ‘ad the youngling to take care of, that you wanted to settle down with them both and live decent. Your gentleman would be ok, she said, but your lady would never let you go so you’d be slavin’ away for the rest of your days. Bert, you always been so good to me, to all of us, I couldn’t stand to fink of you never bein’ able to ‘ave all the fings you deserve! It made me boilin’ mad! I asked what she wanted me to do to ‘elp.”

“Have you ever heard me say one word about being unhappy with my job, Derry?” I asked, trying to keep my voice even. I was so furious I wanted to smash things. “If you thought I had problems, wouldn’t it have been an idea to have asked me?”

“She said you’d never tell anyone.” He mumbled. “She said you was loyal to your ‘umans an’ that you’d only told ‘er, that you’d only ever tell ‘er. Bert, you know ‘ow Tealy can be!” he suddenly looked very earnest. “She looks at a lep like you’re, I dunno, real important, strong, brave, can do anyfing. She talks in that soft voice an’ she’ll make you see anyfing ‘er way even if it don’t make sense.”

I thought about that one. Tealy did have a persuasive way with her. So far it had always been used for my good, she had given me good, sensible advice time and time again, but I supposed it could equally be used on someone to get things done her way. For instance, she always seemed to manage Bilby when she needed time off work.

“Yes, I do see that,” I said dully. “Please, go on.”

“Well she said about the petition. She said about the code an’ im-Zaans an’ that. She said I was to draw it up, she would ‘elp me if I wanted, an’ take it round the family. I said I’d never! Not for no one, not for no debt on earth. She tried to argue but she seen in the end I warn’t budgin’, I couldn’t do that, our Bert. So then she ‘ad a fink an’ told me to go to Tulia. I didn’t want to do that neither cos I knew Tulia’d bring Zlan-Glart into it but in the end she made me agree. She told me that you and ‘er would make a plan to run away wiv the youngling, that this was the only way for you to be ‘appy, so I ‘ad to agree. I went to Tulia, she fought it was a great idea, she drew the petition, an’ well, you knows the rest. But it all went wrong anyway. Now you’re still in your job, I’ve ruined everyfing ‘ere for nuffin and, to top it all, I’m still in debt to Tealy!”

“Tealy won’t bother you again, Derry.” I said sadly.

“She better not, the rotten little zlorg!” Mella was looking furious.

“Don’t, Mel.” I said wearily. “It’s not worth it. She gambled everything on one throw. She lost. Even if her plan had worked she would still have lost and in the end she would have known it and been miserable, that’s what’s so sad. Listen to me, Derry, in fact both of you. I love my job, I love my two humans. I’m happy doing what I have worked hard and trained half my life to be worthy of doing. Yes, I did love Tealy very much, she made me happy, she was special, but I am not ready for what you think of as a normal life. I don’t know if I ever will be.” I looked at the bewilderment and misery in both their faces and it was almost more than I could take. I swallowed hard. “ I wish you wouldn’t worry so much.” I said helplessly. “I wish you had talked to me.”

There was a kind of exhausted silence.

“I don’t know as we’ll ever understand, our Bert,” said Mella quietly. “But you always was a special one, that’s why you’re where you are. Never mind all that now. What ‘appened atween you an’ that elf? ‘ow’d you get wise to ‘er?”

I sighed tiredly.

“Oh nothing much.” I said. “There was a fight after the hearing. I was all excited about going home and Tealy, well, she made a scene. To be fair to her there was some truth in some of the things she said but she picked the wrong time and place for a row. She got angry, she said far, far more than she meant to I think and she let slip enough for me to draw an inference and get an idea. Once the thought came into my head all the pieces of the puzzle just fitted and I could see clearly what she’d been doing. She didn’t even try to deny it. She was terribly contrite but it made no difference, and what’s the use of talking about it?” I held out my bare wrist. “It’s all over now anyway.”

“Oh Bert!” They were both horrified. I rose from my chair, feeling as if I had lived a hundred thousand years. I so wanted to go home.

“Tealy thinks all’s fair in love and war,” I said seriously,”I don’t agree. Her little plan’s finished us.” I placed a hand briefly on Derry’s shoulder, then ruffled my favourite sister’s hair. “There have been enough casualties on her account. Don’t let her finish you as well. Goodnight.”

It was really late when I got back to the Lair, well into the early hours of the morning. The clearing up had taken forever, then I had stayed to help with Cassie’s night feed. I was beyond exhausted. I crept in quietly, thinking everyone would be asleep but as soon as I had zapped my door opened and a soft voice said:

“Hi, Sweetie.”

L stood in the doorway in her robe and slippers, looking concerned. I could hardly summon the energy to answer but I managed to say hi in return. She came across and knelt by me, taking my hands.

“I know you’re exhausted so I’m not going to ask any questions,” she said. “I just wanted to be around in case you needed me, and to let you know that you’re not to get up for breakfast tomorrow. You’re to stay in bed until you wake up naturally and then rest as long as you want. Ok?”

How very grateful I was for such consideration from my amazing people. I couldn’t say anything, I really did not want to risk more waterworks, but L got a tight hug and she soon said goodnight and left me to fall thankfully into bed.

Well, all that was, gosh, is it really three whole weeks ago? I really don’t think it is necessary to give you a day by day account of all the days since then as they have all been relatively uneventful, I will just catch up on what you need to know. First, I have not heard anything more from my niece Babsy at Shana-Sherrin, if I do not hear something soon I shall be writing to Madam Lynnara to see what on earth is up, she can’t still be in Laburnum house in disgrace surely! The news from the family is mostly good. The family are beginning, at last, to talk about other things beside me and Cassie for which I am extremely grateful. Tulia has not been seen on Facebook since the day Shay smashed her phone and computer. I heard on the grapevine, namely from Mum whose word can usually be relied on, that Tuli managed to get hold of another phone, a very old and battered one, but that Shay found it and smashed that too and threatened to tied Tulia to the bed in the cube unless she promised to behave properly. My stars, what a thing, I would never have believed it!

I said that the family had other things to talk about, one of them being that Kori is pregnant. The youngling will be half woodsprite and everyone is full of speculation as to what it will look like. Kas and Kori are both thrilled. Apparently we will know quite soon, a woodsprite’s gestation period is four months, not the usual six. So we have two births to look forward to, Andi in August and Kori in September.

As for me, I have been spending my days in my usual way. As well as my usual work for Brian, of which there has been plenty, L has been having quite a few bad health days and has needed me to help her a lot. We have also had two nice jaunts out in our friend Alan’s car recently too, I enjoyed those very much indeed. Sundays are always spent with Mum and Dad, I take Cassie entirely out of Mum’s hands for the day. In the afternoon Cassie and I go out, make the rounds, visit whoever has invited us over. We always go to Mella and Derry’s. I am really happy to tell you that things are getting back to normal there. Of course, any bad trouble takes a while to heal, but those two are set in stone and I think they will be fine, I pray to the hand they will, I feel good about them. It’s just so great to be in their cube, to spend time with them and the lings I love so much. They’re all mad about Cassie and that makes me really happy too.

Ok, so I’m being brave. If I tried to tell you I was a hundred per cent ok I would be lying. I’m not. Sometimes I feel like absolute rubbish. Sundays are always hard. Last thing at night, when I used to get my phone call, that’s a horror too. I think it got to the absolute pits of horrordom a week last Saturday when I had my thirty-fourth birthday. Oh stars! That was a day and a half, that was!

It all started beautifully. I had lovely messages on my human Facebook wall and on Twitter, everyone was sweet to me, L and Brian were even nicer to me than they usually are. Then Brian told me to look at my website which he hadn’t let me go near for a week and wow! There was the new photo gallery with all the pictures of L and I out and about, I was just amazed.

I was all set to go home for the day, the family had arranged a party for me. I thought I’d just do a quick Email check before I went and… There it was. Staring me in the face. An Email from Tealy. I went cold all over, my heart seemed to stop beating. I didn’t open it. I didn’t delete it, though I felt like doing just that, I couldn’t somehow.

I walked into the den on feet I could hardly feel and told Brian and L.

“Tealy’s sent me an Email! What can I do?” my voice was hardly more than a squeak.

“Nothing at the moment.” Brian was all practicality. “It’s not a decision you want to make in a hurry and your family is waiting for you. Go on to the party and we’ll think about this when you come back.”

If I thought Cassie’s naming party had dragged, my birthday party absolutely crawled. I did my best but oh stars! I’ve probably had a lot more fun thrashing my way through a nettle patch! I felt awful for Mum and Dad, they know me too well and they could see something was up. Finally Dad cornered me and asked what the blue typhoon was wrong.

“I had an Email from Tealy today, just before I was about to leave.” I told him tonelessly. “I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Then I’ll tell ya.” Dad drew himself up, pushed out his chest and glared at me. “You’ll go ‘ome right now an’ read it. Then get yourself back ‘ere an’ behave proper, not like someone off to ‘igh country in the mornin’! Go on, get goin’!”

So I got going. I was in my closet in five minutes. Brian was busy with something and L was ill so they had not even heard me. I sat down in front of Imogen iPad and opened the mail before I had time to think.

“Dearest Zaeahaan.”

“Yes I know you told me not to call you that, but it is what you will always be to me. I hardly know where to begin. Well, first, happy birthday. I hope you have a very special day and a special year to come.”

“Now, this is the hard bit. I wonder if you have ever been in a place where you think, if only you can make a thing happen, or get a thing, then everything will be all right? So you dream, scheme, plan, do anything you can, move heaven and earth to make it happen. When you’re in that kind of place you don’t see the variables, your reasoning gets completely skewed. Well, that is the kind of place I have been in since I found out about Annwn. Oh I have known for ages that you don’t want to marry me and I know why, I am not going into that here, it hurts too much. Anyway, I thought that if I could only find a way to get you into Annwn with me then you would forget your job, forget the human world, that everything would be wonderful! When you found Cassie part of me was horrified, here was one more piece of you being pulled away from me, but then I thought, here is my chance! I knew you would never leave your precious humans to protect me, but you would for Cassie! And so I made my plan.”

“Bert, I have done a lot of stupid things in my life, made a lot of mistakes, but that was the worst, most catastrophic one I ever made. For a start, I couldn’t see all the ways it might go wrong, not even something as simple as me being turned out of the council cube during the hearing! I hadn’t even planned for that! Secondly, I never thought you would be clever enough to work out what I had done. I completely underestimated you. Most importantly, I thought that if I was happy, how could you not be happy? That was appallingly selfish of me!”

“Listen, Zaea, I can’t take back a lot of what I said to you. Some of it was true, though I shouldn’t have said it in the way I did. I have always had to come a long way down your list of priorities, and I don’t care how much you deny it, there’s a lot of truth in what I said about L too. The thing is this. Since I lost you I have come to realize, to know to the depths of my soul, that I would rather be the small part of your life I used to be than never to be a part of it at all.”

“Bert, it has taken a lot for me to write all this, not knowing if it is even going to be read. I am so, so sorry for the misery I’ve caused you, more sorry than I even have words to say. I mis you so much. I want us to have another chance.”

“One thing more and then I’m done. I still where your token. I will never remove it. My heart is still in your keeping.”

“My love always.”

“Tealy.”

I will not bore you with a description of the state I was in by the time I had finished reading this. You probably know me well enough by now to be able to imagine it for yourself. Seeing Tealy talk about what she had done and why had opened up a wound which had not even begun to heal properly and made it feel rawer and more painful than before. Knowing very well that there was truth in some of the things she had said that terrible day made it feel worse. The worst thing of all was, I did not know what on earth I wanted. Part of me wanted to pick up the phone, call her, tell her I forgave her for everything, no, scrub that, tell her to come straight here to the Lair, hold her again, talk it all through until we could wipe the slate completely clean.

Except there was that other voice inside me that was telling me I would be playing right into her hands. She had manipulated me once. What if she were doing it again? Wasn’t it like Derry said? She would look at me with those great aqua eyes as if I were all she wanted in the world, and I would believe anything she said, do whatever she wanted. If I let her back into my life, what other trouble might she cause? Trouble for myself was bad enough, but hadn’t she nearly completely wrecked my favourite sister’s marriage? She had not thought about that. She talked about the misery she had caused me, but she had not given a second thought to the misery she would have caused Brian and L if her plan had worked. A close bond would have been snapped beyond repair, we would have been totally lost to each other forever. I saw no mention of that, no apology, she did not care a button about that, oh no, there was just a throw away remark about my precious humans. Wel yes, miss Tealy, thank you, you actually hit the mark there, little though you realize it, I thought. And another thing, suppose we started over and she got another bee in her bonnet about something. Suppose she really took against Cassie, got jealous of her. Might she not hatch some other scheme against her, a really bad one this time? No, I just couldn’t risk it.

Fighting down my own feelings I closed the Email. I was going to delete it but my weaker side got the better of me. I could have that, couldn’t’ I? Just to look at sometimes? Probably not a good idea but I saved it anyway. Then I squared my shoulders, pinned on a smile and went back to the party.

And that’s really about as much as I have to tell you. In the days since my birthday my head and my heart have been waging constant war, but so far common sense has come out on top, though all those who like happy endings may not be pleased to hear it. I do have my good days. Brian had to go away on a long trip this week so L and I had three days of no work and maximum reading, talking, gaming and snuggling time, it was wicked. We were supposed to be going out on Friday but the weather was bad and I guess it was just as well as it made me knuckle down and get this journal of mine up to date at last, I had been fighting shy of telling this story for all brian and L’s urgings. Anyway, it’s told now and we are, would you believe it, finally up to date!

I know, just look, only a miserable fourteen pages, not good enough is it? I’ll have to try and do better next time! Thank you so much, as ever, for reading my ramblings and for your lovely tweets and facebook messages. I’ll be back as soon as there’s anything newsworthy to tell. In the meantime I think bacon sandwiches might be in order. See you again soon.

Big smiles.